Official Choices Ch. 03

With that, she finished getting dressed, walked passed the crying girl, and slammed the door shut.

---

"You never call me first." Kirstie said, picking up and sounding tired, "What's up, baby girl?"

Lorelai wiped at the tears running down her face, "Hannah..."

"If that bitch already dumped you, I am going to hurt her." Kirstie snapped.

She laughed weakly, "No... She just... She has a problem with liking me. Fucking bitch! I can't... I am so fucking angry at her, and it's not her fault and it's not fair of me!"

"Is it because you're her cousin, or a girl?" Kirstie asked slowly.

"Girl."

"Well. Then I'd join you with calling her a bitch." Her friend said with more than a hint of anger, "Her parents were fine with it, right? Not a single hint that they're some gay-bashing assholes?"

"Pretty sure her mum fucked my mum at some point." Lorelai said through the hot and angry tears running down her face. "Celia actually kinda seems like she might lean more to girls than guys, even though she's married to a right asshole with a dick. Who I also want to hurt."

Kirstie let out a frustrated sigh, "Look... This isn't something I've never seen. Been there, first hand. She took the first step, convinced you that she was the one to bend you, and then suddenly she wants some space 'cause she doesn't get herself anymore."

"Aha. Can I hate her and love her at the same time? Because I do." Lorelai growled.

"Totally, sweetie." Kirstie sighed, "She'll come around. I guarantee it. This isn't about you. It's about her coming to terms with something she didn't expect. Hannah's not bisexual, sweetie. She's just realising that she's gay. Doesn't know how to deal with it, and so you being the girlfriend, you take all the heat from that."

"I wanted to slap her, so hard. I was... I was between her fucking legs, Kirst! I was right down there, about to eat her, when she tells me she wants a kiss. I... I don't know what it was about how she said it. But it made me realise. She wasn't into it. Didn't want it. What the fuck was the point of... Everything!?"

"She was trying to convince herself. Remind herself." Kirstie replied calmly, "Like I said, she'll come around."

"How long?"

"That's on her." Kirstie sighed, "But goddamn she has fucked up timing. After everything that happened yesterday..."

"Exactly. I need to know she still cares." Lorelai burst into bigger tears, sobbing weakly and burying her head between her knees.

"Distraction time?"

"No."

"Wanna meet at an icecream store and see if we can eat a whole tub, together?"

Lorelai sniffled, "No. Kinda. I should get back to dad. Meet my grandpa and sign the fucking forms to keep everyone the fuck away from me. Then go to work with him and hide some more. Cancel the fucking camping trip. Tell dad he can relax because... Other things."

"You're imploding." Kirstie said, "You need a friend, right now. Not your dad."

"I need my fucking girlfriend, but she's a bitch!" Lorelai yelled, startling a pack of nearby seagulls.

"Give her time, sweetie. She still loves you. She just doesn't know if she loves herself." Her friend was way too reasonable. And right.

Lorelai sobbed weakly, "I know... I know."

"It doesn't stop it hurting." Kirstie acknowledged.

She sniffled, "So... You and Adi? Did I fuck that up, too?"

"No, that's for me to screw up. Maybe." Kirstie said, "It went reeeeaaally well. So we're going to try a hand at things long distance. Videos and texts and weekends when we can. I've never really had long distance work for me before, but I want to try."

"Sounds nice." Lorelai said quietly.

"Oh, Adi's not nice. She plays rough, and I am feeling it this morning." Kirstie groaned, "Wild thing. Meeting her, was awesome. So thank you. You're the best friend a girl could ask for, Lorelai."

She sniffed, "And you're trying really hard not to rub it in my face. I'm happy for you. Really. I just want to slap some sense into Hannah."

"But you know she needs the space to figure things out, and that just hurts more." Kirstie sighed, "You're too nice, sometimes. So... Favourite memory, so far?"

Lorelai blinked back tears, thinking, "This morning. Hannah kissing me against the wall. Dad walked by, heading out to give us some space. I could just talk to him, when she was all over me. I... He felt like a real dad. She felt like she loved me, completely. Felt like both of them were there for me."

"Oh, sweetie."

She squeezed her eyes shut, "That's enough self pity from me. I'm going to call dad now, and try and sort out legal stuff. And have him pick me up, so I don't have to go back home."

"Ouch." Kirstie didn't judge her for avoiding Hannah. "Keep me in the loop, hey? Even if I'm going back today."

"I expect to get invited to you and Adi's wedding in no less than a year. I have to be a bridesmaid." Lorelai said haughtily.

Kirstie laughed, "Maid of honour. Not a doubt. Same goes for you. Hannah will get over this, and she will eat you out until you beg for mercy. Okay? She will."

Lorelai ran a hand through her hair, "Yeah. I guess."

---

Mateo didn't say anything as they drove towards his work. Lorelai appreciated his silence, but it didn't do much for her mood. She knew that Hannah having doubts wasn't a bad thing. That she should have seen it coming.

She also knew that Kirstie was probably right, that Hannah would come around on her own. Her cousin always tried to push people away to protect them from pain. Taking the blame to try and make her dad not blame himself. Putting off wedding thoughts in case Lorelai had to endure attention again.

Hannah, when it came down to it, was selfless. Her first thoughts were always how to protect others. Lorelai just wished she could be more... Selfish. Take what she wanted. Stop trying to protect her girlfriend from her own confused thoughts.

Lorelai hated her mother. Hated her down to her core. Ruby had tried to protect her, and it had destroyed her. Being overprotective, and misguided, had stolen a life she should have lived from her. Even reporting her to the department had been an idiotic attempt to protect her.

Now, Hannah was doing the same thing, in a different way.

Mateo turned the car off the main road and onto the highway. Beginning to take the coastal road, with the waves crashing up against the edge and the smell of the sea filling the vehicle.

Lorelai gave a small smile, knowing he was no longer driving to work. Just letting her lie there and think.

"Hannah doesn't want to share me, any more. Which I'm fine with." She began, "So you don't have to worry about me, anymore. Well, maybe a little. Flirting is still fun. I liked you walking in on me and her."

"Oh. Okay."

She winced, "She... She's upset. With herself. Needs some space from me because she doesn't know if she... Likes girls. Or she knows she does, but is confused by it."

"Oh."

Lorelai punched the dashboard, "I hate it! I hate it! I hate how angry it makes me, and how much it hurts me, and how it makes me feel like a selfish bitch for hating it!"

"You want to cancel the camping trip, don't you?"

"Mmm." She nodded glumly.

"Don't."

Lorelai glared at him, "So guys really have no concept of what the word space means, then?"

"No, we do. But you need to let Hannah know she's being dumb." Mateo replied, "You can sleep in separate tents, and won't make any overt moves on her. But are you telling me you've never used a bikini to get a little attention?"

"It's cold. And rains."

He shrugged, "So we go where the hot springs are. Give you excuses to show off to her. Right? Show her that she's an idiot for ever letting go of you. Even a little. You cook for the whole family, giving her no special treatment, but cook something to kill for. Getting me, yet?"

"Make her... Jealous. By me being nice to everyone." Lorelai said slowly and laughed, "Were you a girl in a previous life, Daddy? Because that's actually smart. And if it doesn't work, it doesn't matter because I haven't even really been flirting."

"Exactly."

She sighed heavily, "Yeah. I think I like that idea."

"Celia and Jonah should be able to join us, too. And if there is anyone who understands Hannah, it is her mum. Celia will have some more ideas, too." Mateo said.

Lorelai smiled tiredly, "I think... I wanna crash. Can we go to your work, now? Let me borrow a couch or something?"

"One stop on the way."

"Grandpa." She winced.

Mateo shook his head, "No, he'll meet us for lunch. This is something else. It's a little bit of a hike from the car. A lookout just down the road a bit from here."

"Something special?"

"Wait and see."

---

The hike from the car was uphill the whole way. A few times Lorelai found the path so steep she was actually on hands and knees but still upright. Which was a great excuse to perv on Mateo as he flexed and helped her up to the next part of the rise.

Innocent fun.

The exercise did her good, helping to clear her head. The sea air making her feel like she was breathing more clearly than she had for a while. The gentle ache in her muscles reminding her how good it felt to be alive.

She could have done without the ache between her legs telling her that Hannah had taken her virginity. And that the two of them had been going to absolute town on the inexperienced set of muscles, but the feeling was just a touch of sadness now, not the utter rage, and not the ache that made her wonder if she had angina.

At the top of the rise, Lorelai found a park bench, and a copse of trees that opened out into the ocean. Nothing else. Just the frothy blue and white waves.

She stood as close to the edge as she dared, "Wow. It's beautiful. I... I wish I could bring Hannah here."

"I brought Ruby here."

She turned and glared at him, "Please tell me you're not about to start making excuses for that bitch."

Mateo shook his head, and sat on the park bench, his feet on the seat. "No. I made a lot of mistakes. Your mother is one of them. All I want for you... Is to be better than me. I'll tell you our story. Piece by piece. What you do with it, that's up to you."

"Adulting."

He nodded.

Lorelai smiled sadly, "Romantic spot."

"Our first kiss, about where you're standing." He replied, "That's where it should have ended, but it didn't. I liked her, but I thought things were moving a little fast. Ruby nearly cried, so I made some excuse to cover my hesitance that I don't remember."

"You screwed where you're sitting, didn't you?"

"Mmm." He nodded, "Those blue eyes of yours, Lor... They're a weapon. Your mother signalled how she was going to use them, right here, on our first date. She told me then that she was going to use me, and I didn't realise it."

"Oh fuck." She cringed, "I... I think I did that to Hannah, this morning. I didn't mean it."

"That's... Different. Unintentional is allowed. So long as you try and fix things. It's the manipulation. When you're okay messing with someone's head. That's when there's a problem." Mateo smiled sadly at her. "Red flags are easy to miss. I thought it was my fault. Misleading her by bringing her here. And sure, there's blame to be shared. But I still let her guilt me. And that was the start of a pattern."

She leaned against a tree, looking out at the ocean, "Mistakes are easy when you're an adult. No one will point them out. And when you come to them with your life in pieces, blame comes first. Sympathy second."

"Something like that."

Lorelai sighed, "I love Hannah. I'm not going to let her go. My tantrum... That feels embarrassing, now. I need to say sorry to her, somehow."

"Could try calling. Sooner is always better than later." Mateo replied, and stood up. "Take the time you need, I'll be in the car."

She smiled briefly, and then turned to see his back, "Daddy?"

"Mmm?" He turned back.

"Thanks."

---

"Kinda busy right now, cuz." Hannah answered the phone, "I've got my hands in developer."

"We'll talk more later. But I'm sorry. I fucked up." Lorelai said quickly, "I'm going to hang with my dad, today. Give you space. But I was stupid."

"Making me cry when I can't wipe my face." Hannah said with a croak.

Lorelai smiled tiredly, "Dad showed me where he first kissed mum. Ocean view. Right off the road, too."

"The picnic spot. Table on the cliff?"

She laughed weakly, "Any boys you bring up here, that I should be jealous of?"

"Couple of parties. Nothing serious." Hannah laughed, "I did think about bringing you there for our first date, but it didn't feel romantic enough to me."

"That's why you came up with the chillest thing in the world. Music and mead." Lorelai smiled sadly, "It is a perfect date idea, Hannah. Really. You're way more romantic than dad. And just because I know -"

"Ew!" Hannah complained, "He had sex with your mum up there?"

"She pressured him." Lorelai winced, "If I ever use my eyes on you... Please slap me."

"You're too cute. You are always using them, cuz... But I get you. I refuse to ever slap my girlfriend, though. Maybe refuse to kiss you." Hannah tried to half-heartedly tease her.

Lorelai smiled sadly, "Geeze. Just rip out my heart and stomp on it already."

"Cuz..."

"I love you." She said quickly, "Really. But... Take the time you need. Loving me isn't easy. And I get upset too easy. I'm not the only one who has been through shit, recently. You got hurt."

"You're still my salve." Hannah said weakly, "And you know once I've sorted out my head that I'm going to want us to get our own place, right? So I can have you all to myself?"

Lorelai looked at the sea, "I need to get myself a job. Can't just be mooching off dad. Don't suppose modelling for you as a full time thing and not just fun is an option? Once we've had our space."

"Like Teo doesn't already have something lined up for you, cuz." Hannah laughed, "Ask him. I swear, he thinks almost as much as you do."

"Like father, like daughter?"

"Something like that." Hannah laughed, "But, um... Timing. I need to put my phone down, before I burn these photos."

Lorelai sighed, "Sure. And... I'll call you again, tonight. If that's okay."

"If I don't come crawling back to our bed, first." Hannah replied, only half-joking.

"Take your time, Hannah. I'm here for good." Lorelai stated, "I love you."

"I love you too, cuz."

She hung up, and leaned back, looking up at the sky and breathing in the sea air. This morning wasn't the morning she wanted. Nothing was going the way she wanted, after a completely shit day, yesterday.

Yet... She tapped her feet together and smiled to herself.

Her dad was a real dad. Her girlfriend cared, and was still crazy about her. They'd survived their first fight, and were finding their way.

In a world where choices were made in a blink of an eye, burning them, burying them, or raising them up, in this world of adulthood, where every day snowballed into the next...

Lorelai found herself to be okay.

And that was enough for her.