Once Upon a Time in London

"Oh, that's great, live a lie with the dumb ass cuckold. What he doesn't know won't hurt him. All the while you treasure your precious memory of the time in London. I wonder, every time we fucked would you be thinking of him? Huh? You should listen to yourself; you make me want to puke!"

Amy hung her head; shame written all over her face.

"I don't know what else to say Mike, I love you and I'll always love you. For three weeks I forgot about the most important person in my life. I've apologized and I hope we can find a way forward."

Amy walked out of the room while steam was still blowing out of my ears.

I wanted to go after her but what would be the point? I went to meet my buddy, Greg. We had tickets to the game, but I didn't feel like going. He convinced me otherwise. I'd already confided in him to a degree so he an idea as what was going on. Truthfully, the baseball game took my mind off the situation but when I arrived home, it all came storming back.

Amy was in the kitchen drinking herbal tea. It was her preferred beverage before bedtime.

"Hey." She said with a weak smile.

At first, I ignored her and dropped my keys in a basket by the garage door we kept for that reason.

"Have fun at the game?"

"It was ok, I guess. Too much on my mind."

I turned to walk upstairs.

"Mike, listen, I really am very sorry. In all honesty, I don't have a good excuse for my behavior. It was incredibly selfish and self-centered."

"No argument from me."

"I will do anything to make it up to you. I don't want a divorce, maybe after things cool down a little, we can see a marriage counselor? I love you. I know right now you don't believe me, but I do..."

Before Amy could utter another word, I walked upstairs to the spare bedroom. She was feeding me all the usual bullshit excuses and I couldn't stomach anymore. My first thought was how do I explain to my kids the new sleeping arrangements. Emma and Melissa were super smart and would know something was wrong.

For a long time, I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, my mind in turmoil. My thoughts kept going back to divorce, I just could not see any alternative.

The next morning, Saturday, I picked up the girls and they were excited to see their mother. There were hugs and kisses aplenty and of course, they wanted to hear everything about her "adventure."

Immediately, I excused myself and went out to wash the car. After I finished my car, I washed Amy's, but it was strictly for something to do. I busied myself cleaning part of the garage when Emma told me it was dinner time. Now what? I said to myself. I had no desire to be near Amy but for the girl's sake...

All during the meal the girls chattered away but I kept my own counsel and contributed nothing. Amy kept glancing at me sideways to see what my reaction to the conversation might be, but I was stoic. As soon as I could, I grabbed a beer out of the fridge and went into the family room to watch the game.

Sometime later, Amy walked into the room and asked if we could talk.

"Mike, a week from today is our vacation to Ocean City. I want the girls to have a good time and maybe we can put our differences aside for two weeks."

The sleeping arrangements alone would be difficult enough. I thought about the situation and came up with a solution right away.

"You take them. I'll come up with an excuse as to why I can't go, something about work. Maybe I'll visit for a day here or there."

Amy was shocked.

"But Mike, you love the seashore. The girls adore having you there. There's no way to call a truce?"

"No and I mean no!" I stated with emphasis.

I walked out of the den and upstairs to my only refuge, the spare room. The next week was nightmarish, the girls pleading with me to go with them. Amy trying to make things as normal as possible around the house. Except, when necessary, we barely communicated. My daughters were sure to notice. The day before their departure, Melissa found me on the back porch, nursing a beer and in a sullen mood.

"Hey dad. Got a minute?"

"Sure sweety. What's up?"

"What's going on with you and mom?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Dad don't bullshit me. Somethings going on. You guys barely talk and it's like you don't want to be in the same room."

"We're working on a problem, that's all I can tell you sweety."

"It's like since mom came back from London."

"Try not to worry about it, ok?"

"Ok, but it's really weird."

The following morning was chaotic, trying to fit everything in the Amy's car. The girls were very sad that I wasn't going with them. They were upstairs retrieving last minute items when Amy cornered me outside.

"Look, Mike, it doesn't have to be like this. Can't we shelve our problems for two weeks and give the kids a nice vacation. They so look forward to this and I know you do to."

"Listen, Amy, I didn't create the awful mess we're in, you did. The less I'm around you the better. Sorry, but I'm not going and that's that. Sayonara." I said with hatred in my voice.

Amy just shook her head and walked away. As they drove off, I watched the car until it was out of sight, went in the house, and for the first since the whole debacle started, wept like a child.

During their absence, I entered a short-term lease at an Executive Suite facility. The fully furnished small apartment had two bedrooms but only one bath. It was pricey as those types of accommodations usually are, but I was adamant. Because of the acrimony between Amy and myself, I resolved to move out, at least temporarily.

I spent the next two weeks in abject misery. However, I did make two-day trips but the tension between Amy and I was palpable. Their last full day at the seashore, I made a surprise visit, and the girls were thrilled to see me. Even Amy was smiling but when she tried to hug me, I sidestepped her. She frowned and my daughters saw the whole exchange.

The day was as close to normal as possible. We spent the entire day on the beach until supper time. I'd made a reservation at the Anchorage Inn, a family favorite. We splurged and I let the girls get lobster. Amy tried to engage me in conversation, but I simply ignored her. However more drama awaited me at the beach house.

We let Emma and Melissa stay up late, playing board games, Yahtzee, and Monopoly. But by midnight there were yawns aplenty. When the girls trundled off to bed, it left me with Amy at the dining room table. She was carefully putting the games away when she asked it,

"I was hoping that we could sleep in the same bed, Mike. I'll stay on my side, it's a king size..."

"Did you get the clean STD panel like I asked?"

"No, I see Dr. Bridger on Monday. That's gonna be embarrassing!"

"Too bad, I have no intention of sleeping with you for the foreseeable future. Maybe when you get clearance."

Amy gazed at me with a heart-rending expression. I had zero sympathy for her.

"That brings me to a question that has been nagging me. Did you have unprotected sex? Now, I know you did orally but for intercourse?"

Amy looked despondent.

"Most of the time we used condoms but there were a few times when we ran out and well..."

"So just throw caution to the wind! Jesus, Amy. You're not on the pill."

Amy nodded, unable to look at me.

I grabbed a blanket and pillow from the hall closet and set them on the sleeper sofa. Amy looked forlorn but she fixed her gaze on me with a determined set to her jaw.

"Mike, I'm asking...no begging, please go to marriage counseling with me. If it doesn't work out at least I know we tried. But I'm determined to save our marriage. I love you. I look in my heart every day and it burns very bright. I'm aware that you don't believe a word I say anymore but I'm hoping with the therapists help we can repair some of the damage that I've caused. Again, I'm begging you..."

"Ok, I'll think about it and give you an answer by Monday. Every time you tell me you love me; I want to puke! Because DEAR, if you truly loved me, you wouldn't have been so eager to jump into the sack with ole Derek now, huh? You should watch the video of you two, rutting like two insatiable dogs. You sucked his cock more in three weeks than you did for me in the last five years! And I wonder if the tables were reversed how would you react, dear wife?"

Amy was openly crying.

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry," she repeated over and over.

I turned my back to her and heard her miserably crying as she walked down the hallway to bed.

The early next morning, I got up to go for a long walk on the beach. As I was closing the garage door Amy appeared and asked if she go with me. I shrugged my shoulders. When we were walking along the shoreline, I felt terrible pangs of sadness. This could very well be the last time we did this as a couple. Tears welled in my eyes, and I sobbed. Amy looked at me with an astonished expression.

"Mike, what's wrong?"

"What's wrong? What isn't wrong. You rip my heart out and you ask me what's wrong?"

"Oh, God!" Amy wailed.

My wife took me in her arms and held me close as I wept bitter tears.

Luckily, it was still early, just past dawn, and few people were on the beach.

"Mike, I'm so sorry. I do love you. I don't understand what possessed me in London to forget about all that was important in my life. I've decided to go to therapy so that I can find some answers. I'm seeing a Dr Sarah Friedman on Wednesday. Please try to find a way to forgive me. I'm sorry that you're hurting so badly, and that I'm the cause."

It took me a few minutes to gather my strength and compose myself.

"Please tell me something. Were you hit with the "Martian Slut Ray" when you got off the plane in London? Because it's obvious that you didn't wait long to finally have your sexual fantasy with the jerk off. You did things with him, anal for one, that you never did with me. So, to my mind, I couldn't have mattered that much to you."

Amy was softly crying.

"I can't explain it...that's why I need a therapists help..."

"Well, while you're waiting for some big revelation, I'm moving out. Not far but I need to be away from you. I'll hate it because I love my kids."

The entire calamity had turned me into a snarky, mean-spirited prick. Too bad because I thought she deserved it.

"Noo...noo...Mike, noo..." Amy was weeping.

"Come on, let's go back. I'm sure the kids are wondering where we are."

At home, there was a kind of pall that hung in the atmosphere. The jovial family camaraderie that we once shared was gone and in its place was a mood that rightly belonged at a funeral parlor.

That Wednesday, Amy and I sat with Emma and Melissa to tell them I was moving out but maybe temporarily. As you might expect, there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth, but my mind was made up. They were heartbroken but to my surprise, Melissa asked Amy a question that was flat out revealing.

"Mom, what happened in London? Something must have because dad is so different, not towards Emma and me, but you. You and dad were always so loving toward each other and that's gone! Did you cheat on him with this guy, Derek from high school?"

Wow, I was impressed by Melissa's intelligence. Kids got a head on her shoulders, I thought admiringly. But before Amy could say anything, I jumped in.

"Ok, that's enough. Your mother and I have some problems to work out. Please try to be patient with her and me. Ok?"

"Sorry dad, we'll try." They said together.

After the girls were in bed, Amy found me drinking some bourbon in the den. I was imbibing daily and not just one or two. I found that it dulled some of the pain.

Luckily, it hadn't affected my workouts and my body was looking leaner and more jacked. Wanted to look my best in case I had to start, perish the thought, dating.

"You never drank this much before, I guess this is my fault too."

"Yeah, I'd say so. Oh, I'll go to marriage counseling with you, should have said something Monday but the days..."

Amy brightened noticeably.

"But I don't have any unrealistic expectations. I feel so incredibly ripped up inside that I don't see how it will help. We had it all until you decided to throw it away for a fling with your "high school crush."

I dramatically made the quotes signs for emphasis, downed the bourbon, and poured myself more.

"Now. If you don't mind, I'd like to be left alone."

"I'm sorry Mike. I'm sorry I ruined everything, but I was never gonna tell you. I know I said this before, but I was a stupid, selfish fool. I should have realized that you would have found out one way or the other."

Amy hung her head.

"I knew the minute you said you wanted to pursue your fantasy. I saw the way Derek looked at you, the nice girl from high school who had turned into one hot momma. You had the guts to tell me that you'd be staying in a house with a rock band. Jesus, if that didn't scream trouble... Even if I never received that information, I would have gotten you to confess. You could never have hidden something that soul crushing from me. Before any of this happened, we shared everything with other and I would have known instinctually that you were keeping something from me. God, when am I going to stop feeling this dreadful hurt?'

I tried to wave Amy away with my hand.

"That's why I'm moving out. I can't stand the sight of you!"

Amy was softly crying and simply walked out of the room. The move was easy as I waited till the morning Amy took the girls to soccer practice. We only time I saw her was when I picked up the girls or counseling sessions.

My daughters had a hard time with the new arrangement. When I was with them, they were could be very moody and at times looked downright sad. But I tried my hardest to lighten the atmosphere and most of the time it would work. However, I'd silently curse Amy for doing this to them.

The counseling was going along as I suspected. Amy apologizing over and over, unable to explain her actions and me angry as hell. I did follow Dr. Friedman's guidelines, with no foul language and no name calling. Occasionally I cussed but always apologized.

I was impressed with Dr. Sarah Friedman. She clearly took a neutral stance and kept each of us on our toes. Her questions were often thought provoking and, in my opinion, kept us honest. She was also seeing Amy privately for therapy.

The morning of our fourth session, Amy was late. When she arrived, she looked very pale. Little did I know that she was about to drop the nuclear bomb of bad news.

"Are you ok?" I asked as a courtesy.

"Yeah, I'm kind of nauseous and..."

Before she could finish, Amy fled to the powder room. When she returned, she looked no better and was dabbing her face with a wet paper towel.

"We can postpone if you're not feeling well. Ok?" Dr. Friedman asked.

"No, I'm fine...ah I...ah found out last night that I'm pregnant."

"What?" I practically shouted.

"Yes, I took the in-home test and its positive."

"Well...shit, shit, shit...I voiced angrily.

I was so convinced that it was Derek's, that I failed to remember that Amy and I made love the night before she left for London. Amy hung her head and I think she thought it was his as well. I made some rash decisions based on my erroneous thinking.

Angrily, I walked out of the session as Dr Friedman and Amy stared at me. The awful feeling that the situation was hopeless descended on me. The last thing I wanted to see was her belly getting bigger and bigger with another man's child. Amy tried to call me several times that day, but I ignored everyone, letting them go to voice mail. She desperately wanted to talk to me, but I thought it was pointless.

Later that afternoon, I cornered my boss and asked if the temporary position at our southern office in Jacksonville was still open. When he said it was, I offered my services on the spot. I would be gone for a year possibly more, and I decided that I'd come back to Philly every other weekend to spend with my daughters. I just knew that I had to get out of Dodge.

When I finally called Amy to inform her of my decision, she was livid.

"How could you make such a rash decision without talking to me first. The girls are going to be crushed."

"I need to get away from you. Now you're pregnant with that jerk off's child. What more can you do to me?" Tell me our daughters aren't mine?"

"That's hitting below the belt, Mike. We both know they're yours! When do you leave?"

"In two weeks. The assignment lasts for about a year, maybe more and there's a hefty bonus at completion."

I could tell Amy was crying.

"I'm sorry Mike, I really fucked things up."

I knew Amy's religious beliefs and I was certain that she'd have the baby, but I had to ask.

"You're sure your gonna have it?"

"I can't possibly harm what's growing inside me. I could never live with myself. Oh god, this is awful!"

Amy was really crying and said nothing more as she disconnected the call. With only two weeks to prepare for my move to Jacksonville, I rented a nice two-bedroom condo overlooking the Delaware River that was also close to the airport. Thankfully it was fully furnished, and I gladly gave up the executive suite rental. I still wanted a divorce and decide to get the wheels in motion.

Bob Simon was a law school buddy and probably one of the best divorce lawyers in Philly. He squeezed me into his hectic schedule and was shocked to hear my tale of woe.

"Mike, I'll get the paperwork ready and file when you give me the green light. I know right now everything feels hopeless, but I've seen reconciliation in some extreme circumstances. Affairs that lasted years, multiple affairs, both parties cheating, guy finds out the kids aren't his, real people with real stories, you wouldn't believe what I've heard. But the bravest people are the ones who forgive, takes a lot of guts! And I'm here to tell ya buddy, it does happen."

I left Bob's office feeling a little better, but I saw no hope of reconciliation. The pregnancy was the final straw as far as I was concerned.

My daughters were beside themselves and downhearted. They had no clue that Amy was pregnant. I told my wife that it was up to her to tell them.

"This is your responsibility...you got yourself into this mess. I suggest being truthful. There are going to be repercussions. They know we're having problems. Melissa has asked me a plenty of times if this is all your fault, but I just say we're working on it."

"Yeah, Emma has been after me too and as she says to 'spill the beans' but I refuse to say anything. Keeps accusing me of cheating on you with Derek. What the hell am I going to do?"

"Call Dr Friedman and ask for her advice. Can't hurt."

For some weird reason I felt my temperament softening. Amy was pregnant. Somewhere in my psyche, I found the courage to act more civilly towards her. Some of the happiest times in our married life were when Amy was pregnant.

"Mike, I know I've said this a lot but I'm really and truly sorry. I've hurt you very badly and I can't undo what's been done, but I love you with all my heart. I realize that I'm on my own now and I won't fight if you decide to divorce me. I completely lost myself in London. I gave in to Derek. I'm not stupid, I knew he wanted me, and it was so incredibly exciting. My high school crush who I drooled over. I know that's not what you want to hear but I kept thinking that I'd never tell you and we'd go on like nothing happened. I was a complete and utter fool, And now...this."

Amy was crying, almost sobbing.

"I'm going to suggest something and if you don't want to, it's perfectly fine. We could ask my mother for her support. Especially with me in Jacksonville."

My mother was a devout Catholic and loved Amy like she was her own.

"Look Amy, for what it's worth, I made a bad decision, going to Jacksonville. I acted rashly and it's out of character for me. But you hurt me deeply and I lost my sense of logic. I saw Bob Simon yesterday to get the divorce paperwork in motion..."