All Comments on 'Ophelia's Awakening Pt. 01'

It started out incredibly well, the corporate sharks circling around the new blood. It was exceptional, professional even until you got to the sex dialogue when it shuddered to a halt. That part of the dialogue was oddly stilted and very unnatural. It might help to get an editor or at the very least try reading it aloud to yourself? Love the story concept and am looking forward to reading more.

Thanks for sharing

Tess (uk)

I liked the beginning. WHen she came to his room and gave him an earful of what she wanted from him without really blinking, I thought that she had done this before. The concept is good and a bit unique that she is not a shrinking violet. Will he have breakfast ready in the morning? What will they do for the rest of their stay? What will happen in the office when a few people know what happened. Ready for more adventures.

Thanks for the feedback, Tess, I can see what you’re saying. It turns out that writing when you’re on the verge of falling asleep isn’t a great idea. I haven’t found an editor for this stuff yet, but I agree it would be a good idea.

Adding to Tess’s comments…the submission seemed unnatural. Either she had loads of experience and if so, there is no awakening here. Or she was a newbie, curious perhaps. It would take time for her to learn the language and to give up her Self. It’s never instant