Out West Ch. 15: Martha's Dream

As Emma and I leafed through the transcripts of the last part of Martha's Journal prepared by SerradaC, we were struck an extract which, Serrada thought, had been added by Martha soon after she recovered. It was, she said, not written in the Journal, but had been inserted in what she thought was an old school exercise book. As I sorted though it, I realised what it was. It deserves a chapter to itself before I finish our tale.

[Martha's Journal]

"Martha please, please, don't die!" I heard Pixie crying and carrying on, I could barely open my eyes, I was back in Tim's big house, on the bed I shared with Kate. It was always pretty, there were flowers even. "Martha, you have to get better we need you!"

I would have brushed her hair if I could move my arm, but I couldn't from some reason. I could see Kate takin' a washcloth and dampening my brow, it felt wonderful cool.

******

Then I was away, on my wedding day to my Jacob.

"I do." I thought I would never get the words out, my tongue near cleaved to the roof of my mouth. There were a few more words, and even fewer breaths, and he was a kissin' me! I melted into his arms and thanked every god I ever heard of that this poor fool had not come to his senses.

"Well Missus Anderson, would you accompany me to my rooms so that I can find out what hides under all of that wonderful finery?" The look of lust and love in that man's eyes melted me to the core and all the liquid it created was running down my thighs.

"Oh, dear God yes!" That was all I could say, and I even heard the Justice of the Peace and his wife chuckle. They were wonderful, good people who had agreed to our rushed marriage. I assume they thought I was already a fallen woman, but I was still pure or as pure a woman as I ever was. I just didn't want to be no more.

How we got to the room I will never remember; he was so gentle and careful. He knew what he was about, and I knew I was safe with him. He was so beautiful and careful with me, I wanted more than anything for him to rip every piece of cloth from me and make me his, but he took his time, and gently he kissed and loved and enjoyed every inch of me as he revealed it. I wanted him to hurry, but he was having none of it. Finally, I was down to my small clothes, and he then got up and removed all he wore, I had seen my share of men. I knew how God had shaped the clay, but this was no lump of mean soil formed into a man, he was to me a Greek God with muscle and bone like none I had ever known. Best, Lord above he was mine, I had seen some sketches of a work by Michelangelo, it was nice and all, but with my Jacob as a model he would have needed a great deal more stone in certain places.

I woke that night, him cuddled up to my naked back, his manhood nestled into my bottom, and I felt whole. For the first time in my life, I was whole. Now to make him whole and give him children. It faded away, and the next thing I recall we were making house together.

"That's it!" Jacob near shouted as he drove the last nail. The house was done, finally. I wanted him to come down off that fool ladder and come in and help me start filling it. There were bedrooms for a whole army of babies, and I was not getting any young.

"Will you come down you fool man!" He would fall and get himself killed and....

"Just a minute my love, I need to..." He finally glanced down... I was hoping he would, or I would get a sunburn where a woman don't want no sun.

"Dear Lord Martha! What if Pastor Jefferies came to visit!" He was coming down the ladder at a decent pace, but from the look of his britches, he had to be careful, or he would get hung up!

"Well Mister Anderson, I suspect he has read Genesis so it would not come as much of a surprise to him how this all works!" As I used my arms to gesture to my naked body, "However, if he were befuddled by it, if he stays a mite, we could certainly give him a lesson in how a body goes about makin' babes."

"Martha Jacobson you are scandalous!" His words ended in my open mouth as I wrapped my body around his, sweat, dirt and all.

Then it faded and a sadness arose in me.

"I am truly sorry Missus Anderson" I knew what he would say, I finished buttoning my blouse and straightening my skirts. I had heard it twice before already but hoped this time it would be different. "You have what is called an Incompetent Uterus." I knew those words too, why I had travelled to Saint Louis to hear the same lines, was beyond me.

I had heard of all those miracle cures, bought a few, one nearly killed me. Still always the same, a few weeks of pregnancy, my boobs getting bigger, nipples turning browner and all the tenderness, then blood and lose.

"You can conceive just fine, better than most is seems, but your body simply cannot carry a child to term. I am terribly sorry. I wish there was something I could do. I could recommend bed rest from the first of your pregnancy."

I had tried that, several of the other women in my area had offered help, a couple even had their eldest daughters move in with Jacob and me, even knowing how that might impact their reputations. But it did not help, always ended the same.

The train ride home was a blur of anger and tears, wondering what I had done to whom to deserve this. No answer came to me, I was no saint, but I was no devil either. I had tried to follow all the commandments, been good to those I could, to help where I could just like I was supposed to, what had I done?

"How was your trip?" Jacob asked when he met me at the station down in Jefferson City, it would be a long ride home, but we would be there night fall tomorrow and that was fine.

"You need to leave me Jacob Anderson!" The words were out of my mouth before I realized I was thinkin' them. My hand was at my mouth as if I was trying to catch them before they escaped.

"Why?" He laughed it off as he put my bags in the back of the little carriage, he had bought me for an anniversary present.

"I can't give you children Jacob, I just can't."

My words and resolve dissolved into sobs, he caught me up in his strong arms as I melted into his chest.

"I know my love, I might be a man, but I am not completely stupid."

His words were softer than any down blanket I have every felt. I knew he wanted children more than anything on Earth and now I couldn't give him the one thing any woman wants to give her man. I was useless; an anchor; an albatross.

"Jacob you gotta move on, find some young..." My words died in my lips, as his crushed them. His kisses went on and on until I could not breathe.

"Now you listen to me Martha Anderson, I am a one-woman man. We are in this mess of a life together whether you like it or not, we will face our future together."

Then, again it faded, and a new hope arose in me as the dream shifted its focus. I thought I must have been dying but would do it happy with this.

"Hello Missus Anderson? My name is Emma Martin, I am pleased to meet you."

This beautiful little thing standing on my dusty porch, and there I was in some of Jacob's old clothes; they were more practical for trying to keep the farm going. All my hands had run off, I couldn't blame them. I could not pay, and there was work all over where I wasn't.

"Pleased to meet you too, Miss Martin."

I held out my hand, it was dirty since I had just come in from the barn. She took it anyway.

"It is Missus Martin, I am a widow." She had a sadness I saw each morning in the mirror as I washed my face.

"A lot of that going around in the last few years, the war was cruel to so many of us."

I looked her up and down, she looked like she had been smart dressed once upon a time, but I could see the mends in that dress. But who was I to judge, mine were pretty much rags now.

"I am a traveling teacher in this area, and I find myself in need of lodgings."

This young blonde thing shifted her handbag from one hand to the other as she did with her feet. It was cute, and I was lonely.

"I have rooms to rent." And she came into my life.

We were not intimate at first, I had always been taught that such a thing was a sin; I fought all my needs. It had been many months since Jacob had rode off to war and death, but had been able to keep my needs in check - for the most part.

It was in spring of the following year, I wondered if it was some anniversary, her marriage or her loss? I don't know, but in a thunderstorm the likes of which only the plains see, where thunderclaps rattle plates in cupboards and you can see the lightning play across the trees, and where the winds snap centuries old oaks and twist limbs from trees and cast them about like kindling, it happened. The lightning was tearing the sky to pieces, thunder so deep and low a body could not hear another body right next to them.

Suddenly there was a frightened woman in my bed, she did not ask or plead she simply threw up the blanket and crawled in, huddled to me and shook as a tender child.

I held her tight until she stopped shaking. Then as quickly as her shaking stopped mine started. She wiggled up my body to face me, I could feel the tips of her teats burning their way up my body leaving a trail of excitement in their wake. Her wild blond tresses broke the surface of my blankets just in front of my hungry mouth. She looked into my eyes for a moment, then her hands flew to embrace my face and she kissed me.

Her lips on mine like not even Jacob had done. Soft and fierce, yielding and hard, all in one. Her hands were suddenly everywhere at once, she left my bed only long enough to grab the hem of her night dress and pull it over her head and toss it away. She was simply the most exquisite thing I had ever seen and in the lightning that lit the night, she seemed both angel and demon at once.

She dove back into my bed, tried at first to draw up my night dress but found it too hard, and finally simply ripped the buttons loose over my protests.

"I will find them and mend them in the morning, right now, I need to touch you this instant!"

Her lips found my nipples and suckled and bit and sucked and made me scream. I loved Jacob's love making but this could not even compare. She knew what her body desired, and I knew what mine did. I suppose it is presumptuous to say that a woman might know what another woman wants, but this one surely did and by God above, I wanted what she wanted to give me.

Soon she was nipping and even tickling me and after hours of this loving torture she worked her way down to my center, and her lips tore into that licking and kissing and touching. Where she knew these things, I don't know, but I felt like a virgin again.

I never knew that a woman could be touched in those ways, Jacob had always been happy to use my quim the way I always thought nature intended, but Emma was doing things that Jacob had never tried, using her tongue to find secret spots and delicates that nearly ripped my soul away from my body. She even put her fingers into me, and I thought I had died. The convulsions that took me were nothing like the feeling that I had with Jacob, as good as he was, this was different. It was deeper and somehow more intimate. When I was with Jacob my body worked to being him joy, but how this little blonde nymph was bringing me pleasure and I soon learned how to return it.

I pulled her up to me, thanked her and kissed and licked and sucked her face clean of my juices and sought to return her favors. He nipples were so hard and hot, I sucked them, and she moaned and cried out, my fingers fumbled and tried to find their way through the mass of curls that lined her lovely treasure. She showed me, gently and kindly showed me how to love her, and where. I the student and this young thing, my teacher.

It was the first of many nights, she never left my bed until and I prayed she never would.

Then it dissolved. Then came the pain. Then came the hearing and the healing.

"Martha you simply must awaken."

It was an English accent, a man - Tim, yes, Pixie's brother. I liked the sound of his deep brown voice. I might have been tempted myself if it were not for Emma being completely besotted with him and of course I had my Kate. Yes, Kate!

It was Kate who was mopping my brow. My eyes opened and I groaned.

Both Kate and Doc Adams were both sitting by me now. Doc was looking up and down my naked breasts which were on full display. 'Damn my secret sure is out now, what will I do for now? What good am I now?'

"She is healing fine, the sutures are holding, there will be scaring but that cannot be helped. I doubt she will ever walk properly again, but at least she did not bleed to death. If that bastard had just struck an inch..." The doc would have carried on, but Kate was done with it. As he rose to leave but covered me first.

"Well, he didn't now we just have to keep her fever from killing her." Kate's accent was different, but somehow warmer, I had not noticed before. Her words showed both determination and fear, which was the bigger portion I could not tell.

"Thank you for keeping her secret doctor." Tim's voice seemed different, sad almost a melancholy, I could not understand why.

'He had my dearest love for his own, how could he be unhappy?' I was almost angry or would have been if I had a little more strength.

"No problem my lord, you know there were several of them during the war, on both sides."

His own voice sounded sad beyond measure.

"It was a torture to have to amputate a man's arm or leg. Always to save his life, but it was necessary, tragic though it was. However, to maim a woman so? That was beyond agony. To know that they believed so fiercely in their cause as to put themselves in such danger."

"Do you think she will ever recover?" I heard Kate ask.

She seemed far away.

"She must, she will!"

That was Emma, close by me, she must be mopping my forehead again. She seemed always there now; I wonder if she had always been.

"Hush both of you, how is a body to sleep." My voice finally started working.

When I woke later, they were still there.

"You just missed Pixie and Tim, they did the last shift and have gone to eat. How are you darlin'?" Kate asked.

"Groggy, hungry, sore, pissed off at that back-shootin' skunk."

Emma smiled.

"I have news for you Martha, and I hope you will not be too sad at it. Tim has asked me to marry him. I said yes!"

My heart felt sore wounded. But in no wise was I going to rain on her parade.

"Emma, you love him."

I tried to be strong, I needed to be strong.

"Emma there is no future for us. I would dearly love to go back home and go back to what we had, or move on and create it anew elsewhere, but one day you will be left alone. Even if no one comes to even a score, I am a good twenty years older than you, my tomorrows are far fewer than my yesterdays. You are still young."

My voice was failing me.

"Besides, I can't give you babies, and you need them. I know what it is like. I couldn't give them to Jacob, and the fool still stayed with me."

That man loves you, so don't be a fool and hitch yourself to this old horse any longer than you have to."

My voice was almost gone, not from pain of my body, but pain of my heart. But I knew what I had to do, and though it broke my heart, I did it.

Emma and I sat and cried and talked. Kate stuck her head in and smiled but also looked a little sad herself. I think she realized that our time would be short as well. I had made lots of enemies and those sorts of enemies want their pound of flesh. Beyond that, I had nothing to offer her. I would make sure she was taken care of, but that was poor compensation for being left alone.

Soon Emma was gone, Kate came in and we hugged and cried ourselves. She loved on me, and I returned it, it was not the same as with Emma, but it was good. Soon Tim came in, and both women left the 'men folk to talk' which bought a chuckle from Tim and a blush from me.

"So, you seen all of me that there is to see?" I asked, pulling the covers up as far as I could without feeling too foolish.

"Well far enough to say you are a handsome woman, and Emma was lucky to have you." His smile was genuine, not a leer but a genuine look of appreciation. I blushed from my heels to my scalp.

"Well Tim, you are a man willing to fight to the death for his, and a man who I would be proud to call a friend and father-in-law."

Tim got down on his knee, if you could believe it, at my bedside.

"Martha Anderson, though she has consented, I want to do this properly, may I please have the hand of Emma your loving partner as my wife?"

There I was, the question I had asked for, and now I had to answer.

"You have my blessing but know you this, Cynthia has told me some of the goings on in your class. Now if you and Emma choose to do those sorts of fool things together, that ain't my affair, but if you step out on her and break her heart."

I leaned close.

"Even if I have to crawl out of the pits of hell, I will come after you... you hear me?"

He had seen what I would and could do for my Emma, he held my gaze, he held out his hand.

"I would expect and want nothing less." I took it and shook it as strong as I could.

He stood and walked to the door, pausing just a moment. "I need a best man, and you are the best man I know. Would you do me the honor?"

I nearly laughed. "How can you ask me? I gotta think of someone to give Emma away as it is?"

"Don't be a fool Martha Anderson! You are giving me away or there will be no wedding!" Came the shout through the walls.

"My town, my rules." Was all he said, "Now get some sleep, we will wait till you are able."