Pretty Fly for a White Guy

"Real cute hoodie, bro." Harvey teased me as he went for another beer. God dammit. I put my beer down and went for a walk.

----

I was kicking myself. I think I wanted to die. No one cared. And I'd hurt Archie for no reason and I'd lived my entire life trying so so hard not to even entertain this... whole, massive, stupid thing and... NO ONE BLINKED AN EYE! All that fucking... angst! The build up! The pressure! And those assholes just acted like nothing had changed. Which, actually Fee, is exactly what you asked for so why are you MAD? I sighed and heaved myself down on a bench.

Fuck, and then what, after all that I decide to come out and just... march out of a party like a fucking drama queen because... because why exactly? Ugh, I'm the lamest fucking biggest loser in the whole goddamn world. I hate everyone.

My lips twitched.

I hate everyone. Such total dickheads for being nice, and pretending nothing had changed because that's what I wanted to happen. And Archie who was so lovely he let me just ditch him because I pinky swore. Ugh. And Dad, who knew forever but never asked me, or pushed me, or saw me any differently. God, I am sooo fucking lucky. Imagine having all that? Having all that IN SPITE of being a try hard loser who spends way too much time in the mirror. And still wanting more! I laughed at myself. God, I guess I kind of did want fireworks. I guess I wanted -you're so brave-, -you;re so cool-, -Archie is so lucky to have you-. But I deserved exactly what I got, because everyone loved me, somehow. Somehow they saw through that masculinity shell I'd made, and didn't care at all. I'm so lucky. I love them all.

With a grin a mile wide, I called Archie. I frowned as he picked up, there was music on in the background and it wasn't his music- this was like the stuff my mates listened to. Weird mumble rap hip hop with unrelatable lyrics.

"Hey!" He picked up with a cheery voice.

"Are you at a club?" He laughed and the music faded. I heard the sound of a lighter and rolled my eyes.

"This place has DIRE music." He giggled. "Still better than Billy Joel though."

"Fuck off." I laughed.

"So what's up?" He asked. I grinned.

"Guess who came out?"

"Oooh please tell me it's Tom Hardy."

"Fuck off!" I laughed. "Tom Hardy's younger, hotter counterpart."

"Hmmmm.... Zac Efron?! I KNEW IT."

"Shut up, Arch. I told them."

"Yeah." He inhaled his cigarette, sounding completely nonplussed. "Nice one, dude. Only took you 23 years."

"Ok, smartass, only took me like a month, which is pretty fucking impressive ok? How long after you knew did it take you?"

"Like two seconds." He said. "AND I wasn't hiding a massive crush on a cute skater guy."

"Wow, so cool, do you get an award for being the best gay out there?"

"Do you, for being the most dramatic?" I laughed.

"So what now?" He said. "You ran away?"

"What?"

"Well, you're not at a party." He said. "I can hear the distinct lack of annoying straight dickheads playing beer pong."

"I went out to call you." I said. "I thought maybe you'd want to know."

"Real proud of you." He said lightly. I frowned. Could have ACTED like it. "I'll see ya soon, Fee. I'm busy." He hung up and I stared at the phone in disbelief. WOW. Even ARCHIE, who had absolutely fucking pushed me into this, didn't care? Biggest day of my life and NO ONE CARED.

I sighed. Well. I wasn't gonna live on a park bench for the rest of my life. I guess I say I went to clear my head and just reintegrate myself into the party. It wouldn't be weird. They probably didn't even notice I was gone.

----

I walked down the path at least an hour or so after I'd done my semi dramatic exit, stage left... and Kerry leapt up from the porch. He caught my arm and stopped me from heading inside. He looked at me.

"Heyyy." He said. I narrowed my eyes.

"What?" I looked at him with suspicion.

"Take two." He said. "I guess I should have figured you wanted a bit more than no one cares, because you lie about not caring like all the time...."

"Spare me, please dude." I whined. "Just wanted to clear my head. It's good no one cares."

"Na." He grinned at me. "I know you too well buddy. Look, everyone knew before ok? I'm glad you said it, but we all knew. You never look at girls, not in that way, and that was suss, but the way you latched on to Archie... God I knew from the way you were watching him down at the tennis courts... and then when he took Brock to quiz night and you just sat there all primped up and DEVASTATED..." I sighed.

"I'm like 90% sure this really isn't helping." I said.

"So, when you said you wanted no one to CARE we figured we just wouldn't. But I know now that what you really meant is 'I want EVERYONE to make a BIG FUCKING DEAL about this and tell me I'm still great'. Which, luckily, is what I planned for in the first place. So take two."

"What are you...." I frowned at him- but he was pulling me to the flat and I was hustled in before I had a chance to protest.

And my jaw hit the floor.

The living room was full of streamers and confetti and balloons, and the guys were all playing beer pong. The flat smelled of booze and cigarettes and Archie was grinning at me from across the room. I blinked as the guys turned towards me, hollering a garbled congratulations and my eyes were... at least the size of dinner plates as I took them in. Every single guy was in a gold sequined dress. Oli was even wearing heels. I started laughing through my humiliation as someone turned on the speakers and out of nowhere...

"Oh you assholes." I laughed as my dumb, white boy dad rock came on the aux and to myshock and delight the lads were performing a terrible, half arsed choreorgraphy to The Offspring.

He may not have a clue and he may not have style...

But everything he lacks he MAKES UP IN DENIAL

They screamed at me, laughing and stumbling over themselves.

"What IS THIS?" I shouted at Kerry over the performance.

"Your coming out party!"

So don't debate, a player straight

You know he really doesn't get it anyway

Gotta play the field, and keep it real

For you no way, for you NO WAY

I started laughing and crying, and Archie wrapped his arms around me. He pressed his lips to my cheeks.

"Your friends are pretty funny." He said. I rolled my eyes and picked him up, swinging him around until he kicked at me to stop.

"Was this your idea?" I gazed at him.

"Not at all!" He giggled. "I thought we were going to have a horrible closeted affair and you'd eventually leave me for Mrs 2.5 children." He leant in and squeezed my waist. "They're right though..." He dashed away to join the dance and I laughed at his truly bizarre twerking.

You're pretty fly- for a white guy!

They sang in unison and I was so happy I couldn't be mad. And I couldn't deny it. This fucking song was written for me. And for all the other losers out there who think pretending to be something they're not is gonna work out real well long term. I let them finish and slumped on the couch as everyone came up to me, hollering congrats, and blowing party horns in my face.

"So now." Kerry said firmly. "If you're a bad boyfriend that's on you. We've done our bit."

"I won't be a bad boyfriend!" I moaned.

"Better not be!" Oli growled. "I put on HEELS for you!"

"No one asked you to put on heels." Bryce rolled his eyes.

"Where did you even GET those?" Harvey pulled him away. "No WAY those things in your size were just lying around...."

"Hey, I didn't ask you where YOU found LIPSTICK..." I let them drift away, giving each other shit, and I found Archie again and pulled him into me.

"This is the stupidest date I've ever been on." I said. Archie laughed.

"You're the stupidest man I've ever dated so that adds up."

"Well. Hey uh. I'm real sorry for being a jerk." I sighed. "I would say you deserve better but I don't want you to get ideas."

"I forgive you." He said. "You're hot enough that you get like, three times to be a jerk before I think about trading your abs in."

"For what?" I rolled my eyes. "A hotter model? Puh-lease.". Archie grinned.

"God, your ego is awful."

"Lucky for you I know a guy who can usually take pretty good care of that." I smiled at him. "Thanks for... I dunno... coming to.,.. Whatever this is."

"Your coming out party!" He grinned. "Wouldn't miss it."

"Actually, since I'm out..." I took a deep breath. "Dinner at Dad's on Sunday. You coming?" Archie shrunk away fractionally.

"Ummm..."

"Oh, you chicken?" I teased. He pouted. Man, we both take bait so easy.

"Na." He said. "I'll be there." He bit his lip. "Ummm, date me or skate park me?"

"Either's fine." I shrugged.

"And then..." He frowned at me. "Your Mum's next week or what?" I felt my face fall fractionally. I tried quickly to rearrange it but Archie's too smart for that.

"Oh." He said quietly. "Dumb question. Sorry. I guess you don't talk about Mum much." I took his hand.

"It's ok." I said. "She'd love to have you for dinner. I think she'd love you a lot actually, but the timing is..." I winced. Why was I talking like this? "She died a while back. It... was cancer. I didn't want to..."

"Oh, Fee." Archie squeezed my hand. "I'm so sorry."

"No, no. We're good, Dad and I. It's been a long time." I cleared my throat. "It was aggressive. Colon, actually. So you know, nothing like..." Archie squeezed my hand.

"Mum's in remission." He said quietly.

"Oh Archie!" I hugged him tight. "Oh god that's amazing. I'm so..."

"I'm so sorry." His voice was muffled, his head on my shoulder. "I didn't know about your mum or I wouldn't have..."

"No!" I held him tight. "No, Archie." I stoked his hair. "I should have said. I... I'm bad at talking. I didn't want to scare you with... you know."

"Thanks." He said. "It would have scared me. But I'm still sorry. You should know I'm there for you too.

"I know that." I said. "You're actually the best person in the world. Do I tell you that?"

"Not enough." He grinned. "You're solidly in the top ten."

"I'll take it."

----- Master of both worlds ----

The guys rolled their eyes as I spotted them across the room and made my way over.

"Good look for you." Kerry said. I winced as I looked at myself. Yeahhhh. My costume had been more and more awkwardly out of place with every step I took away from stage and to the pub quiz.

"I told you I wouldn't have time to change!" I reminded him. "I have my stuff in my bag, buy me a round and I'll be normal in like 5 minutes." Kerry smirked and stared at me menacingly. I swallowed. I could feel it coming.

"Dare you to wear that all night." I looked down at myself and shrugged.

"Your funeral." I sat down and reached for the jug on the table. The others rolled their eyes at Kerry.

"I ALMOST think you're into that." Oli gestured at me as he winked at Kerry. Kerry shrugged.

"He's got great legs, no denying that." I laughed.

"Definitely no denying that." I felt arms around me and turned my cheek so Archie could brush his lips against me. "Liza Minnelli has been hitting the gym." He teased. I smiled at him as he leant in to kiss me properly, and batted him away. He pouted.

"Unless you want lipstick all over you?" I offered. He sighed.

"Wipe that shit off." He said. "You look like a girl."

"I look like a guy in a dress, thank you." I said. "Oh, well, if you don't like it, Kerry does." I grinned.

"Way too much." Harvey teased. Archie rolled his eyes and entwined his fingers in mine.

"Are you seriously doing a pub quiz dressed like that?"

"Didn't you once tell me I was the hottest little drag queen you'd ever seen?"

"That was before I realised I couldn't fucking KISS my own BOYFRIEND because I'd mess up his lipstick."

"You unleashed this." I told him firmly. "Take more theatre, audition for the Cabaret, take the role..." I mocked. Archie grinned at me.

"I regret everything." He said. "Kerry, drop the dare please? I can't take him seriously like this."

"Nope." Kerry grinned at me. "You dug this grave Archie. Lie in it." He moaned and winced as he looked at me.

"You are soooo lucky you're hot." He said. "I majorly prefer you in jeans."

"I prefer you in nothing at all, can't get everything we want." I said. Harvey pretended to gag as he poured us all more beer. "Where's Ella?" I asked Kerry. "Thought she was gonna be here too?" Ella and Kerry had been dating for a few months now. I suppose that wasn't really a surprise, although I had been slightly disarmed because I assumed Kerry kind of loved his whole 'single and game for anything' lifestyle. But he very drunkenly confessed to me one day that he was majorly jealous of what I had, and for the first time in my life I found myself giving him advice.

"Ask her out, idiot." I said. "She's into you."

"She's not into me, she likes hot guys."

"I thought you knew women prefer funny guys." Kerry had glared at me and I rolled my eyes. "Anyway, you're hot." I told him. "Take it from someone qualified, you're fine."

"It's a bit rich coming from you." He snorted. "You work out like it's your job. And Oli's all talk and dark and moody. And I'm..."

"A skinny stoner with a face like Joseph Gordon Levit." I sighed. "You're not my type but I'm not blind, Kerry. Girls like you for more than your sense of humour."

"Huh. Thanks." He grinned. "But I'm the only asshole who hasn't hit on Ella. She'll stop hanging out with us if I fuck it up."

"Or she'll go on a date with you." I rolled my eyes at him. "But I think you should tell her you want to date her or she'll think you just want another notch in your bedpost." Kerry grunted.

"Since when were you any good with women?"

"Since I stopped trying to hit on them and started listening to them." I admitted. "If she says no, she says no." But she didn't say no. Kerry asked me exactly what I'd done to get Archie to fall for me and I told him about the Italian place for dinner and they went on a date and I guess the rest was history.

Kerry shrugged as he checked his phone.

"El says the Uber from your show cost an arm and a leg so she's walking. Be here soon." I smiled.

"Ella was at the show?!" No one I knew would EVER come to my shows. Which I completely understood, and I had no intentions of dragging them there. But it was nice to think somewhere in the audience there was someone there just for me. Everyone else on the cast had that. Just me who didn't. Although, I think I could just about twist Archie's arm. Kerry grinned and looked at the others. Hmmm. That look. I didn't see it much these days but I could still read it. The 'we have a secret look'. I didn't really let it bother me though. Sometimes the secret is just that they see through you. And it turns out, being seen through isn't the worst thing in the world.

I smiled at the table and wiped my lipstick off. I actually couldn't STAND stage makeup, although I guess I understood the point of it. The last year and some had worn me down and pretty much all but destroyed Felix 2.0. Felix 3.0, the guy who switched his major to theatre and did plays, who lived with the best guys in the world, and had an irritatingly smart boyfriend was definitely the best iteration I'd settled on so far. I couldn't wait to see what came next actually. I spent half as much time at the gym these days because life seems to be a never ending series of rehearsals, and study, and catching up with my mates on the weekend to go fishing and rock climbing. But the dancing lessons had helped pick up the slack and while I think my chest was probably not QUITE as awesome as when Archie first saw it- I reckon I'd more than made up for it with a killer ass and thighs. And since he mostly took me from behind I really didn't think there'd be any complaints. Anyway, he'd love me even if I was fat. I know that. He loved me for me. For everything about me. He didn't even care that I was currently wearing fishnets. Actually, I suspect he kind of liked that, no matter what he said.

Archie winced as his phone went off and he fished in his bag. He popped a couple of pills and Oli grabbed them off him, trying to read the label. Archie laughed and grabbed them back.

"Oí!"

"Is this Rits? Wanna crush some up and share?" Oli laughed. Archie rolled his eyes.

"How much you got?" He joked. "Better be worth failing Law." Oli pouted.

"Just a couple?"

"No!" I fought back on Archie's behalf. "Dude, we don't ask for your asthma meds."

"Ventolin doesn't get you high." Oli said.

"Yeah, but if you don't have it you die."

"Arch won't DIE." Oli rolled his eyes.

"I'll die if I miss an assignment." Archie said dramatically. "I'll see what I can do though." He winked at Oli and I sighed.

"Don't play drug dealer." He laughed at me.

"Ah, come on Fee. I won't really." He squeezed my hand and I pretended not to see whatever he was mouthing at Oli. He actually wouldn't. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't. Archie had really been through it over the last year, trying to find the right balance of stimulants and SSRIs that didn't give him mania and panic attacks and ongoing headaches... but he seemed to have found it and out of nowhere his grades picked up like crazy and he switched to a fucking Law Degree. I'd been privately dubious but he was ACING his papers. Turns out he was never dumb, and far from lazy, and he'd been spot on about ADHD. And somehow he was STILL better than me at the skate park, even though we BARELY had time for each other. Asshole.

Ella arrived and cooed over me, and raved about the show and I basked in the attention for a minute before we knuckled down and started the quiz. We actually did really well these days. Double points on Literature, always, and with our degrees and hobbies- I mean who knew Oli was so damn good at History? Seems like everyone and their mum has like, a secret passion or whatever- I mean we usually won at least a bit of a bar tab. We REALLY pissed off some first year nerds acting like they would take us all down. I shook one of their hands at the bar and he sighed.

"We are SO not used to coming in second." He said. "Our usual spot is closed today, but oh man, the competition there is NOTHING compared to you." I laughed. His group were all kind of.... Buttoned up and nerdy. The guy talking to me was the only one who seemed even a TINY bit cool. He was Māori like Archie, and had very well curated ringlets tied up in a loose bun, lanky, and wearing cool clothes, and had an earring dangling from one hair.

"Join us." I suggested. "Drag optional, I promise." He laughed.

"Phew, not all of us can get away with that." He eyed me up. Like... eyed me up. In a way that I'd learned to read, but totally had to ignore. I swallowed.

"Felix." I introduced myself, wondering how to slip in the ... 'really sorry, you're actually very much my type but I'm not single' line.

"Francis." He shook my hand. "You wanna tell us how some rowdy asshole jocks beat us?"

"The secret is underneath all the rowdy jock stuff, we're actually pretty interesting." I smiled. "Also, your team got like what zero on sports? Get a sports guy." Francis winced.

"Ooof, sports guy is thankfully busy tonight." He said.

"Thankfully?"

"Oh." He laughed. "Sports guy is also umm... a guy I'm trying to avoid." I looked at him thoughtfully. He was turning a little red around the ears. I smiled at him.

"See that little guy out there?" I pointed to Archie and Francis nodded as he followed my gaze. "I was trying to avoid him too." I said. I nudged Francis' shoulder. "Almost two years now." Francis moaned and hung his head.

"Ok, but see, sports guy is straight." I laughed.

"Yeah, so was I." I grinned. He laughed as he took me in.

"Ah-Huh." He said. I shrugged.

"Yeah, less convincing now. But I thought I was."

"Seb IS straight." He sighed. "Actually he's probably asexual. He's never hit on anyone in his entire life. Like a virgin. In his twenties! Can you even imagine?!" I raised my eyebrows.