Pretty Fly for a White Guy

"Hey, hey." He pulled me close. "I won't, Fee. I won't."

"But how can I trust you?" I tried not to sob, but either way the tears were streaming down my face. "You said you weren't cutting yourself but you ARE. Don't you get how scary this is? Don't you get how much I love you? Don't you understand?!" He sighed and wrapped his arms around me.

"I understand." He whispered. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry doesn't help." I let my head fall on his shoulder. "Please, Archie. Please get help. Please tell someone."

"Ok." He stroked my hair. "Of course I'll tell someone. I'll get help. I promise."

"Promise." I insisted, sitting up and offering my pinky, his stupid vow that I knew he wouldn't break. He didn't hesitate for a second. He nodded and pressed his hand to mine.

"Pinky swear." He said seriously. I swallowed.

"And I'd you're struggling with an assignment, can't you call me? Please? Instead of..." Archie looked at me with a blank expression.

"You know I don't want you to see me when I'm like that." I pursed my lips. I mean, I'm not thrilled about seeing him like that either. He's scary and wild eyed when he's like that. It's like a rabid, frantic insane person takes over his body and I know I can't reason with them. But just because I don't like that side of him doesn't mean I wouldn't be there. Archie squeezed my hand and I sighed.

"Do you try the... the meditation stuff? Like, go for a walk, or have some tea, or fuck man- have a cigarette if you need one... or..."

"What if none of that works?"

"What?! Then call a fucking helpline?" I sighed. Ok, so yelling... yeah not the best move in the world. "Ok, have you ever actually tried doing all of that? All of it?" Archie looked at me. He pursed his lips. "Well. Next time you feel... just promise me you'll actually try it. Try ALL OF IT. Whatever your therapist says. Please stop skipping to the last resort."

"I will." He said. I noticed our hands were still entwined and he flexed his pinky, where it was still crooked around mine. "I should have addressed it earlier." He said solemnly. "Thank you for... thank you." I sighed and let all the tension in my body go. Ugh. Chris was right. Like a phantom heavy backpack I'd been carrying around for weeks now and could finally put down. Not that it would get better overnight, I'm not stupid, I know that's not how it works, but for now, maybe I could feel more peaceful every time I looked at him.

"I love you." I said.

"You do." He agreed. "I'm not convinced I deserve it, actually." I smiled and tried to wipe the tears from my face subtly as we rearranged ourselves to get comfortable again.

"Well, you deserve better actually." I laughed. "But you got stuck with me. I'm grateful."

"Me too." He said. "And you're a solid top five most wonderful people I know."

"Oooo I'm moving up in the world." I laughed. "You're still number one." I told him.

"Phew."

-----

Well. He did tell his therapist. And he showed me a host of mindfulness exercises he'd been given, and he said yet again they'd discussed switching up his medication... only he admitted he hadn't really been trying with the process and he knew if he didn't try to sort of... re wire his dire brain all the medication in the world wouldn't help.

"I mean, I quit smoking." He reminded me. "I've done this sort of thing before." I smiled, deciding not to tell him I knew aaaallll about his emergency stash of cigarettes in his underwear drawer. He had cut back. Like, a lot. But he still did occasionally. I guess he couldn't smell it on himself but I could, and even though I hated when he smoked, the scent on his clothes always made me smile because it was how I remembered him. And he should be proud of how far he'd come- from like a pouch a week to a pack stuffed behind his boxers that mostly went untouched- so I wouldn't bring it up.

"I'm so proud of you." I told him, and he gagged.

"You're wretched." He told me. "I think you're trying to give me diabetes."

"I can't help being such an utter sweetheart." I shrugged modestly. "I'm just that lovely."

"You'll be late for your show if you don't fuck off." Archie grinned. "I'll pick you up."

"Free ticket still sitting there with your name in it." I suggested. The look he gave me made me smile. "Or not." I said. "See ya, Arch."

"Catch you later hypebeast."

-----

It's somewhat weird to think about, because I spent so long with a big shell all around me trying to be someone else, but everyday I loved the transformation backstage.

I suppose that shell never really worked anyway. I suppose I always sort of knew who I was. When I was young I never wanted to be soft, so I was funny. And when I was in high school I never wanted to blame myself on not having any friends- I wanted to blame everyone around me so even the kids who might have liked me, and let me find a place with them, were kept at arm's length. And when I decided high school was a wash I just wanted to try being the opposite of who I'd been. Just to see if it fit better.

I didn't pretend anymore, but I held on to bits and pieces from every version of me. I still revelled in being the class clown, because I kind of liked the attention on me. It was nice attention, where people look to you for a joke and when you fuck up you can laugh at yourself. And I had obviously embraced the... well I don't have any politically correct words for it but... slightly more um. Feminine aspects of myself. Or whatever they were. Like reading romance novels, because god forbid I love a happy ending with happy people in love. Or performing in drag- which I was really good at. And even the dumb jock turned out to be a part of me not entirely for show. I loved working out, and weekends away with the boys; camping and fishing and rock climbing and ropes courses. And I'd still spend way too much money on nice designer kicks every other month because I looked incredible.

I'd skate up to Te Auaha and greet everyone before heading to the locker room. You all get used to changing in front of each other, and it will shock you to hear half the guys in the cast were gay so any awkwardness was pretty much gone by this stage because you just had to deal with it. Usually the locker room was filled with noise and colours and gossip so I liked to change in a bathroom stall, which I guess I got teased for, but I didn't care.

Because I stripped away the day, and whatever work or assignments I had. I peeled my clothes off, peeling off a layer of machismo and coffee grinds, and I'd stand naked for a second, breathing deeply with my eyes closed as I reached for my costume.

A costume is a disguise. It opens up a whole new world of who you are and what you want. But it's also an extension of self. It's facets of you that you put on, and can put away when you're finished. It unlocks things. It dull other things. And I loved it- I loved the guy on a skateboard who slipped into the bathroom, and the guy in a dress who slipped out, and I even loved the space between.

And I loved the rush when I walked out, embracing the noise and the nerves and the pent up expectations of everyone backstage. I loved the gossip- who was into who this week and who was hitting the Vocalzones hard because they were hungover, and who was up and coming and who was losing their touch... I loved every second. But the best second was the second right before the lights went up. When we were all crowded backstage, listening to the audience, in liminal space between the real world and the performance. The hush that happened and the lights dimmed. And the energy just waiting to be unleashed.

----

The show was as wonderful as always. This was my first ever actual show, and I was playing a lawyer who crossed dressed on the weekends and had desires about femdom late at night. The show itself was ballsy and very R18 and I was almost perfectly cast as a nymphomaniac in his own little closet.

Usually my character was somewhat over shadowed by his good girl turned bad wife and mistress, and the flamboyantly gay boss he kowtowed to, and the real protagonists and their flaming romance, but my solo- cut short by my wife telling me to stop whining and come to bed amd my very meek 'Yes, dear' always played for a few laughs and my final bow was always accompanied by enough cheering to make me feel content. Tonight was probably my best performance yet though. Dancing has always been my downfall and I usually failed at the stunts my character was meant to perform, which I played up for comedic effect. For some reason, today, I stuck the landing on a complicated jump and I was as surprised as everyone in the audience when it happened. My wife even broke character for half a second.

"That was impressive." She choked out.

"That might have been a fluke." I ad libbed back. "Sorry dear."

And when the curtain call came I could HEAR it. I'd never received a cheer that loud. I grinned and blew kisses into the audience, peering at them through the stage lights. And I suddenly felt tense and awkward and absolutely filled with slight terror when I made out one of the figures- a short guy, with curly hair, who was standing up and screaming my name. I quickly stumbled back into the chorus line as my whole body went shaky. Archie? Archie came? But he HATED this? He'd made it very clear a Caberet show was very, very far down his to do list. But he came! And actually thank god he hadn't told me because it made my knees weak. Maybe this was stage fright. I'd never had it before. But I'd never realised I was performing to anybody before! A sea of anonymous faces was safe for me. But Archie... well. It didn't actually matter because he was BEAMING. He was beaming... and nudging the person beside him who was... oh Christ, that was Kerry... and Oli... and Harvey... I scanned the row and realised... They were all here. Every single one of them. Oh no. Now they knew I...

The curtain fell and left me in turmoil. They knew I... my smile started even as I began to think about it. They knew I was great at this. And even if they did give me shit, which they absolutely would- they came. They gave up a night off, where they could have been drinking, or studying, or playing video games... or anything really, just to see me. Just to see me make an ass of myself onstage. I grinned at the other cast members and grabbed my shit, making my apologies for running off so early so I could catch them at the bar.

"Ayyyyeee!" They cheered as I approached them and I rolled my eyes.

"You should have said you were coming!" I admonished them. "I would have got you in for free!"

"We're supporting you, idiot." Oil said. "It's your first ever show, and YOU said COVID was fucking everything up for the arts so..."

"Ugh, I love you." I pulled him in for a hug which he made a show of trying to wriggle out of. "Your idea I guess?" I grinned at Kerry over Oli's shoulder. He shook his head.

"This one's on Archie." He nodded his head in Archie's direction. "Twisted both our arms and some legs, but that was actually fucking great Fee."

"Yeah dude, can't believe you were sitting on that." Bryce grinned. "That was wild." I smiled and my eyes met Archie's, holding a wine glass, and a beer which he shoved in my hands quickly.

"That was fun." He said. "And don't believe them about twisting their arms, they were all stoked to go."

"Your idea?" I laughed. "I thought you had an issue with how sweet I am? That's kind of the sweetest thing anyones ever done for me, Arch."

"Shut up." He grimaced and looked away. "Anyway what's the plan? We hitting Mini?" I looked at the lads and grinned at them all.

"Like this?" I gestured down at my final outfit- a dress. Fishnets. Sneakers, because I'd argued black and blue that I wasn't wearing heels and we'd found a way to work it in that my character wouldn't.

"Like that." Oil sighed. "I'm ALMOST getting used to it."

"I'm not." Harvey wrinkled his nose. "But if Fee can wear fishnets you can stop giving me shit about the nail polish."

"Yeah what the fuck is that?" I joked.

"I think it looks cool." Harvey folded his arms. "I'm not taking shit from YOU."

"I'm not giving you shit!" I protested. "Do whatever you want, idiot. It looks fine."

"And actually, girls kind of like it." Kerry said thoughtfully. "You've been way more successful since you started wearing that."

"Be more gay and girls like you?" Oli rolled his eyes. "You're a moron Kerry."

"It worked for Felix." Kerry laughed. "Women hit on you a million more percent now." I laughed. True though. Weird how that happened. I used to strike out so hard whenever we went out together. Ella told me it was because I was more confident now. She was probably right. She usually was. She knew I was gay way before I did, apparently, which is why she'd friend zoned me- not that it was exactly front page news because, as no one ever tired of telling me, everyone had always suspected.

"I'm kinda beat." I yawned. "And I've got an assignment I should be working on. You guys go out though, I'll just head home." I could see the guys about to protest but Kerry barged in.

"Yeah, no, that's fair. Dunno when you became sensible, but you should take it easy Fee." I smiled at him gratefully.

"Well, I'll go home with Fee." Archie grinned and linked his arm in mine. I scowled at him.

"Which is NOT gonna help my assignment."

"Definitely not." Archie squeezed my arm. "I guess I can just hog your x box while you study for a bit." Hmm. Not an award winning plan. We could study together pretty well when both of us were actually studying, but if one of us wasn't then it usually led to... definitely not studying. But everyone was already gathering their stuff and finishing off the dregs of their beers, and it's hard to say no to a night in with the guy you love, so we split up and I leant my head on Archie's shoulder as we Ubered home.

He parked up and started playing Witcher 3, which he always joked he played for the plot... and I made headway for an hour or so before he shuffled to rest his back on my legs and I reached down to play with his hair. He grinned as he paused the game and blinked his big wide brown eyes at me.

"We NEVER have your place to ourselves." He said. I sighed and looked at my laptop. Well, it wasn't due anytime soon. I stretched out and ruffled his hair as I stood up.

"Alright I'll shower." I said. Archie looked me over thoughtfully.

"Come out with those on." He pointed to my fishnets and I snorted.

"I thought you didn't like any of that." He smiled.

"I thought I didn't either. But... seeing you on stage, Fee... it's like... I dunno. Well. It is kind of hot. You have amazing legs. But also... That's you, you know. You're so... authentic these days. And I think that's what I love most about you. You never used to be authentic."

"No. I didn't." I clasped his hand and pulled him up to stand with me. "Kerry used to call it my fragile masculinity shell."

"Yeah. That was it. But it's all gone now eh?"

"Eh. Probably not ever all gone. But it's better."

"So much better."

He wrapped his arms around me and I bent down and pressed my head to his chest. Everything was so much better. I wish I could have just skipped to here. But I suppose if I had I wouldn't know as much about who I was, really, because I wouldn't know who I wasn't. And I suppose that's life, isn't it? A slow unravelling story to find meaning. I didn't know how it was going to end. But I'm glad I was past the beginning. A hero's journey isn't a hero's journey unless he refuses the call near the beginning. But a hero's journey always ends happily, with freedom to live. And I think I was there. At least, until the next journey.