Pretty Fly for a White Guy

----- Refusal of the Call ----

The lads hollered as I managed to actually do an ollie and I sat down with them grinning.

"When did you learn to skate?!" Bryce teased. I rolled my eyes and cracked open a Kingfisher. Awful shit, but I was developing taste for it.

"I said I could." I rolled my eyes. Oli grinned at me.

"Well thanks a lot, faggot. Now I owe everyone $10." I laughed, but I winced internally. I was real glad Archie hadn't come after all. I'd forgotten how much we said that to each other.

"Wait." My brain caught up. "You bet I couldn't skate?"

"Yuh." Oli rolled his eyes at me. "You just think you look cool with a board. Thought it was an accessory, like that time you wore glasses for a month."

"Dickhead."

"Takes one to know one." I looked away and took another gulp from my beer. I actually did need glasses, only I wore contacts now. That month had only been because my script had changed. But I'd rather be known as someone who tried glasses for a month than an lame fucking four eyes who couldn't see, so. Whatever.

We had a great time, and to my delight even my pretty noticeable lack of skills on the board were better than my mates, and after an awesome afternoon the sun began to set and we eventually picked up our picnic of countdown bread and slaw and chook and headed home.

"So spill." Kerry walked next to me. I glanced at him. Kerry was the closest I'd ever come to having a 'best friend'. I guess I'd had best friends in primary school, when I was sort of the class clown and everyone loved all the skits and dances I used to do in talent shows- but that whole schtick hadn't gone down nearly as well in high school, and I'd quickly dropped from the centre of attention to the bottom of the pecking order. I'd given up on having a best friend actually, but Kerry worked with me at Coffee Supreme- he was like, the maintenance guy, and he was the only one the company really trusted to look after the thousand dollar machines we entrusted to the various cafes who we supplied. We'd bonded over a shared shit high school experience- only he was waaay cooler and had a hard time because he was a stoner dropout. I hadn't exactly shared the intimate details of me being a fat loser who played Glinda the Good Witch in the school musical. Kerry was a little softer than our other mates. He was the only one who ever policed our language- albeit half-heartedly- and he was the only one who never seemed scared to admit he was bad at things. The rest of us would rather die than accept we weren't awesome at everything.

"Spill what?" I grinned at him. "My hair routine? Yours will never look this good but try it." Kerry laughed.

"You couldn't skate a week ago." He said. I debated protesting, but Kerry would have given me shit.

"I practised like hell." I admitted quietly. "Passable, right?"

"Dude, if you applied that attitude to literally anything useful just think where you could be in a year." He laughed at me.

"Skating is useful!" I laughed. "Chicks dig it." Kerry rolled his eyes at me.

"As if you'd know." He said. "You're scared of chicks."

"Fuck off!" I laughed awkwardly. Ugh. How did he know that? Kerry winked at me.

"But little skater dudes down at the Miramar tennis club don't seem to scare you at all." I shoved him.

"Fuck OFFFFF." I groaned. "How'd you know that?"

"Saw you skating." He grinned at me. "Holding hands. Pretty romantic Fee, didn't know you had it in you."

"Oh shut up." I laughed awkwardly. "Alright. You found my secret. Yeah- Uh, I guess Archie taught me how to skate."

"Why didn't you invite him?" I shrugged.

"Not his scene." I said.

"Invite him next week." Kerry said casually. "He must be cool, if he can whip your sorry ass into shape."

"He's cool." I said. "Way cooler than you, dumbass."

"So blow us off and go hang with your boyfriend." Kerry teased. I sighed and wanted to shove him again, but he was drifting away from me to catch up with the others. I winced and followed suit. Even Kerry can kind of be an asshole. I would definitely NOT be inviting Archie next time.

-----

I grinned as Archie approached the training bar and waved at him. He pulled down his mask and skipped to meet me, plonking himself down on the bench and lighting a cigarette.

"Oi!" I slapped his hand. "No smoking."

"So why is there an ashtray?" He gestured to the ashtray on the concrete bench and I rolled my eyes. "Make me a coffee?" He begged, rubbing his eyes. "This is so, so early for me."

"Make yourself one." I grinned and gestured to the machine. Archie pouted at me. Weirdly that was... I dunno. Beguiling? "Yeah ok." I heard myself saying. "What do you drink, dude?"

"Guess." He grinned at me, re-lighting the durry and settling into the bench.

"Long black." I assumed, making myself one. Archie shook his head.

"Ooooh, god no. That what you drink, you brutalist hypebeast?" I shrugged. "Oat flattie, two sugars."

"Gross."

"Delicious. Dare you to drink one."

"I'm good." I grinned and sat down with him, pointedly making him move over so the smoke wasn't blowing in my face. I pulled out my phone and opened the Covid Passport app. "Gotta scan you in." Archie scoffed.

"Aw, sorry dude, I'm anti-vax." I laughed and nudged his shoulder.

"You are not, asshole." He grinned and pulled out his phone. I scanned him in and briefly read his name.

"Huh. Your parents must hate you." Archie laughed.

"Don't tell anyone." He sighed. "Trying to get the app to change my name, apparently it's not too hard- my friend Will managed to get his changed without the whole rigamarole of changing his legal name so it's doable."

"William to Will? Bit precious." Archie glanced at me.

"Amelia to Will." He said. "Bit judgemental."

"Oh." I glanced down at my coffee. "Yeah. And I'd want it changed if I was Archibald too." He grinned and sipped his coffee.

"Ooof." He sighed happily. "Perfect. You're a great barista."

"Thanks." I smiled. "You will be too, if we ever get started." He sighed.

"Well, you can try your best." He stretched out.

"So you've been making coffee for a bit?" I asked.

"5 years." He shrugged. "Badly."

"Ok but you can pull a shot?" Archie groaned.

"Yeah?" He didn't sound too sure about that.

"Alright. Show me." I pulled him up and he grumbled as he stubbed out his cigarette and trailed behind me to the training machine. He must have last been taught how to make a shot like, at LEAST 5 years ago, because he didn't weigh it, and didn't tamp properly, and frowned in confusion as the machine spat out a watery mess.

"Hmmm." He said. "Delicious." He picked it up and sniffed it dubiously.

"Don't drink that." I cautioned.

"Definitely not on my to do list." I grinned and grabbed another handle.

"Know how to adjust a grinder?"

"Know how to adjust Grindr." He laughed. "Ah sorry. I have bad jokes."

"Yep." I agreed. "So, the one at Neo is like this one right?"

"Oh dude, I have no idea." He sighed. "Maybe pretend I've never seen a coffee machine in my life?" I rolled my eyes and explained about turning the knob, and that the smaller number meant a finer grind, and why that would change how a coffee poured, and explained about how we weigh shots these days and why, and showed him the automatic tamper that I knew they had installed at Neo, and Archie was trying his best to pretend he didn't care. He was playing with his phone and I was going to tell him off when I realised he was actually taking painstaking notes and I let him be. I know all about pretending you don't care. I would never give someone shit for that. Eventually we made it to milk, which he actually steamed just fine. It was just his pouring. He glanced at me as he swirled the milk jug and sighed.

"I try to do ferns." He grumbled. "But somehow they all come out as...." I watched him pour.

"Dicks." I finished for him. I grinned as he blushed a little. "No worries, mate. You're holding the jug too far away to start with and then too close when you finish." He glanced at me. "Try again." I suggested.

"Watch you?" He asked. I shrugged and made him another coffee, explaining I was holding the jug straight on, not at an angle, and I went close and then pulled away, and he stared at the coffee with disgust.

"A bloody swan." He said. "You asshole. You're so good at this."

"Ah well, you can skate on railings so you know, we all have our gifts."

"I skate a lot." He said. "I'm not gifted." I smiled at him.

"I make a lot of coffee. Give it another go?"

We hung out making coffee for over an hour, and he was getting pretty good by the end, when I had to reluctantly call our time to a close and say goodbye. He grinned at me.

"Do I get a free t-shirt?" I laughed. Fucking cheeky. But why not.

"What colour?"

"Same as that." He pointed to me and I dashed away and got him one. I threw in some socks as well, because I liked him.

"Hmmm." He held the t-shirt against himself. "Perfect fit. And the socks. Did you have an old life where you were a clothing salesman?" I looked at him.

"Wardrobe mistress." I said. Archie blinked at me and started to chuckle. Good. No idea that was the honest to god truth then. Years spent hiding in the theatre department helping other year groups with their costumes and... yeah. I'm good at guessing sizes. He yawned, and thanked me for everything, grabbing his skateboard.

"Hey ahh..." He played with a loose strand of thread on his hoodie. "You know the skate park down near Chaffers?"

"Yep."

"I'm there." He shrugged. "Tonight, tomorrow night, whenever... If you wanna..."

"Sure." I said. "Grab your number?"

"Oh. Sure." He said. We exchanged phones and I grinned as he skated away. Something about Archie made me feel lighter. I felt like I could be myself around him- I found whenever the shiny veneer I'd been working on since high school cracked Archie would take it in his stride. He kind of saw through that veneer anyway, and never failed to call me out for being a wannabe. You know, normally that would make me angry. But not when Archie did it.

"All good?" Kerry popped his head round the door. "That one took forever." I shrugged and gestured to Archie's retreating figure.

"Archie." I said. "That guy I skate with. We were just fucking around, he's good company so I stretched the hour. You guys need a round before my 10.30?" Kerry leant in the doorframe.

"Thanks." He said. "3 oat flatties."

"On it." He cleared his throat as he watched me.

"So this Archie dude." He said eventually. "You ever gonna introduce him to us or what?" I shrugged, moving the coffee to saucers and plating them on a tray for him.

"Why?"

"Cos you like him." He said. I glanced at him. He said the word 'like' weird. Like LIKE like. Not just like, like. I stared at him.

"We're skating together near Chaffers sometime this week." I said flatly. "Guess you could come. Only no one else can skate so that might be a bit lame."

"Or...." Kerry raised his eyebrows at me. "The Grand." I frowned at him. The Grand was a once a week all girlfriends and potential girlfriends inclusive pup quiz we did. And I had no trouble dragging Archie to that if he had anything to offer a pub quiz... but that kind of suggested Kerry, for like, whatever crazy reason, assumed Archie and I were...

"Uhhhhhh, no?" I stared at him. "Saving my invite for Ella." Kerry rolled his eyes.

"Right." He said. "You know, instead of bringing girls and getting their hopes up and letting them down tragically, you know you could try bringing...."

"Bringing?" I folded my arms, because I kind of saw where this was going and I wasn't exactly happy about it.. He met my gaze.

"A guy." He shrugged as I went red. "Dude, I'm your best mate right?"

"You wish."

"Look, I'm just saying, and don't jump down my throat... I'm just saying...."

"Saying WHAT exactly?" Kerry sighed.

"You're weirdly obsessed with Tom Holland." He said. I laughed in spite of myself. Was I? I did like Spiderman....

"I'm not GAY!" I laughed at him. "Just real fucking bad at pick up lines, ok?" Kerry raised his eyebrows.

"Sure." He said. "I literally don't care."

----

He might not, but I did. It's not like I haven't heard it before. A lot. Not since high school but I still didn't like it. It was the way it was aimed at me, not the actual implication. It was the way guys would side eye me and talk down to me and make it clear that I was NOT one of them. That I was weird and different and uncool and in every sense wrong in my very existence.

And all that aside I totally fucking wasn't. I have no idea what Kerry even MEANT by weirdly obsessed with Tom Holland. What a fucking weird thing to say. I tried to shake it off but I felt a little warm every time we passed each other all day. Eventually I felt like I had to say something.

"You know I'm really not gay right?" Kerry winced.

"Ah, Felix, real busy right now."

"But you do know that?" Kerry looked awkwardly around the office.

"Gay isn't a dirty word." He said.

"Yuh, but I'm not." Kerry suppressed a smile.

"I told you I don't care." He said. "I just wanted to meet Archie. It's nothing to do with your repressed sexuality, so stop getting weirdly defensive."

"Spider-Man is a real good..."

"Beer after work?"

"Yeah sure but ..."

"Sweet, I'll pop down later." I sighed. I'd been dismissed.

-----

I finished my training for the day and Kerry swung by to collect me and we made our way to Ascot.

"Thought you said a beer?" I grumbled.

"They have beer."

"Yeah but like what craft wank shit do they have at Ascot?"

"Jesus, dude. They have Bavaria. Acceptable?"

"Yeah, I guess." I muttered. I always felt a little weird at Ascot. It's kind of a dive, but it's of, like real, Wellington types ya know? Full of hipsters and guys in eyeliner and that sort of thing. I preferred JJ's, the bland, could be anywhere in the world pub with its clientele that hadn't changed since the 80s, and fish and chips and dark wood and cheap, shit beer. Kerry and I sat down and ordered- he ordered some drink I'd never heard of and I ordered... Bavaria.

"Ergh." He winced as my beer arrived in front of me. "Don't understand how you drink that shit." I looked at his own pink fizzy cocktail and raised my eyebrows. "This is fucking delicious." He smacked his lips. "Oh man. It's so good." I rolled my eyes as I smiled at him. No one but Kerry could get away with drinking fizzy pink shit. "Dare you to order one next." I rolled my eyes.

"Dare dare?"

"Yep."

"Easy." Kerry and I played this stupid game of dares. You got ten points for doing one, and you could spring it on each other at any time. A veto would cost you 50 points but depending on the scale of the dare and how well you did and how many people it involved you could win extra points. And if you vetoed two in a row, you HAD to do the third thing presented to you, which was always a fucking gamble. No one else seemed to understand the point system, or the point of any of it at all really, but we had a grand time usually. I was a little suss of him wasting his turn on buying some dumb fruity drink and I told him as much. He sighed.

"Just trying to pull you out of that gross masculinity shell you're wearing." He said. "It looks dumb on you." I rolled my eyes.

"I'm..." I caught myself. You know how sometimes best friends just see through every lie you tell them, and you feel extra dumb when they catch it? "I'll have you know this is a hard earned shell." I said. "Hard earned and super fragile."

"Well aware." Kerry grinned at me. "So." So. So, whatever the real reason we were doing this for was about to come out. I braced myself. "There's Tom Holland..." I groaned. "And there's your SUPREME lack of luck with women, which for a guy who looks like you is suss as hell. And then there's the real dorky smile you had on your face talking about Archie..." He folded his arms. "You sure you don't want to talk about it?"

"No thanks. I'm good." I rolled my eyes. "Gawd I thought I had enough of this in highschool." Kerry nodded and shut up. He knew that was a no go subject.

"So how's class?" He yawned. He couldn't give less of a shit. He'd dropped out of high school and absolutely had it made, being like, the best mechanic in Wellington- albeit for coffee machines. But that's super niche, and when the field has like three people in it, you're pretty well set. He had his whole fucking life lined up and he thought Uni was a waste of time. Especially an English Literature degree. I smiled at him.

"Just handed in an essay on stream of consciousness and the role it had in developing modern authors and women's representation. Definite A I reckon."

"You're so cocksure." He laughed. "Do you actually get As or is that just another thing you boast about?" My smile fell off my face.

"Another thing I boast about?! What's that meant to imply?!" Kerry ignored my frostiness.

"I think actually you're inferring." He grinned. "I wasn't implying anything."

"Maybe you should take some of my classes." I narrowed my eyes at him. "Definite implication there, asshole. I don't BOAST!"

"You can't say that to me with a straight face." Kerry rolled his eyes. "You know you boast." He saw me staring to argue and raised his eyebrows pointedly. "Don't defend yourself. I get it. It's your fragile little shell." I sighed. Having a best friend is more trouble than it's worth honestly. I stared at my drink and glanced up at him.

"It's not a LITTLE shell." I said. "I had to get it resized because I've bulked up so much at the gym." Kerry laughed.

"Well that's fair." He said. "You know you're gonna turn into one of those roided freaks if you're not careful." I snorted.

"I wish." I glanced down at my arms and flexed them in spite of myself. It was still kind of wild to see the muscle there. Even after a few years I kept thinking I'd look in a mirror and see that same out of shape loser with glasses blinking back at me. I was scared something would happen and everything I'd built would all come crumbling down, and I'd move back in with Dad, and I'd have no friends and no life and end up stuck doing... I dunno. Something awful. Kerry was watching me closely and smirked as he saw me admiring myself.

"Girls don't like a guy obsessed with his own reflection." He said. "Maybe that's your problem."

"Do girls like a know it all?" Kerry laughed and pretended to think about that.

"Wellllllll...." He grinned at me. "If the notches in my bedpost are anything to go by..." I laughed. Kerry actually did somehow manage to get laid like, all the time. The rest of us talked a big game, but by the end of a night we were usually too fucked up and just ended it with KC Cafe and splitting an Uber home- but Kerry got lucky like, every time we went out. "It's my sense of humour." He said. "Trust me Fee, girls love a guy who can laugh at himself. You should try it."

"I'm funny." I said flatly. I always used to be, anyway. If you can't laugh you cry. Kerry smirked at me.

"Next time we're hanging out with Ella I dare you to make an absolute tit of yourself." I laughed.

"Dare dare?"

"Dare dare." I looked at my drink and wrinkled my nose.

"Dude, you clearly haven't noticed I always make an absolute tit of myself." Kerry started laughing.

"Glad you're self aware." He said. "Sometimes I worry you're getting carried away with uh..." He gestured vaguely to me and I felt myself blushing. I'd like to get mad and pretend I don't know what he means. But of course I do.

"Alright, my round." I sighed and stood up. "The fuck is it we're drinking?"

"Cosmopolitan Spritz." He sighed happily. "Thanks."

I ordered at the bar and grumbled to myself as I went to sit back down. Cranberry juice and vodka? So, so not up my alley. When the waiter sat the drinks down he made some off hand comment about the weather and date night and I hastily corrected him, totally embarrassed that Kerry and I looked like a fruity little couple. Kerry sighed as the waiter left us alone and sipped on his drink.