Pretty Fly for a White Guy

"Nope." She said. "Boring." Oh. Ok. Great. Take two.

"You're working at St Johns right? How's that going?"

"Ooof." She sighed. "Two of the managers hate each other, Head chef is an arsehole but what head chef isn't. Sous chef is incompetent. Prep chef keeps trying to get into my pants. How's your job?"

"Yeah pretty similar." I said. "Kerry's an arsehole, incompetent, and trying to get into my pants." Ella laughed and hit me playfully.

"Whatever, you'd drown without Kerry." I sighed.

"Regretfully true." Ella poured us each more beer from the jug on the table and I tried not to let my heart race too fast. This was going ok right? Sense of humour. That's what Kerry said. "So is the prep chef hot?" I asked. Ella rolled her eyes.

"Sure." She said. "Don't shit where you eat though right? It's so awkward with work hook ups."

"Is it?" I shook my head. "Not my area of expertise."

"No awful Christmas party shenanigans?" I sighed.

"Not yet." Ella rested her head on her hand and looked at me thoughtfully.

"People feel too comfortable around you." She said slowly. "Be more of an asshole."

"Oh, that's really wonderful advice, thank you so much Ella." I rolled my eyes. She laughed.

"It's true!" She protested. "You have to be the only one of these dumbass guys who's never hit on me! I mean, ok you're obviously different because, you know, and you're like my best friend so...." She finished her sentence but I didn't really hear her. I was too busy trying to keep a small fake smile plastered on my face as I burned in shame and felt my heart descend into the pits of my stomach. Best friend. There ya have it. Ugh. I tried real hard to shake it off. I guess being a friend wasn't so bad. Actually I kind of think it took the pressure off in a way. Only... if I was her best friend I didn't understand why I couldn't be more. I was hot, right? Right?! Ella frowned at me. "You good?" She asked. "Your eyes are glazed over. Am I boring you?" I tried to laugh and shook my head. I glanced outside and happened to catch eyes with Archie, who was exuberantly telling a story and throwing his hands about wildly as a cigarette dangled out of his mouth. I smiled at him. God knows how he was such a loser and such a damn charming loser at the same time.

"Mind's on something else, sorry." I flicked my eyes back to hers and she smiled warmly.

"Yeah, I like him." She nodded firmly. "Where'd you pick him up?"

"Oh." I laughed. "Uh, he picked me up. Taught me to skate." Ella grinned.

"Aw. Cute."

"Never fucking call me cute." I joked. "You meant aw cool, gnarly dude."

"Na, I meant what I said." Ella sipped on her beer and shrugged. "Soooo..." She looked at me. "You reckon he's gay?" I coughed.

"Um. I think so." Ella nodded slowly, pursing her lips.

"And..." She looked at me thoughtfully. "Is he... into you?" She said eventually. I raised my eyebrows.

"Uh, no." I said flatly. "I think he's well aware that's uh. Not, like. It." Ella shrugged.

"Is he though?" I stared at her. Well. Kerry had dared me to make a tit of myself.

"Well, he knows I was crushing on you." I said. Ella frowned.

"Uh..."

"I said WAS." I bit my lip. "But I'll take best friend. I could use a best friend." Ella winced at me, and if nothing else, the look on her face made it really fucking super clear me and her... well. She didn't see me that way and in a thousand years never would. I had to majorly swallow my pride. "Seriously!" I laughed. "Yikes, I REALLY shouldn't have said anything, Ella. I swear, I'm not trying to get in your pants..." Anymore. She smiled hesitantly.

"Sorry Fee... I guess I... always assumed you...." She winced and I tried very, very hard not to read into whatever she was about to say.

"So... you and Oli though?" I changed the subject and she shook her head.

"Not me and Oli!" Ella rolled her eyes. "Not a single one of you is my type. Except maybe Kerry." I laughed.

"What is that? He's everyone's type."

"He's funny." Ella shrugged.

"Dammit. I used to be funny." I smiled at her.

"You are funny." She said slowly. "Hun... it's... I'm sorry babe, you read...." I glanced up as the guys started to traipse in and she grabbed my wrist for half a second, fixing me with the sternest frown I'd ever seen. "Fee." She said firmly. "Do not. Lead Archie. On."

I rolled my eyes and moved back to the lads, deciding drinking my sorrows away was the best option.

We decided we had to finish up eventually and Archie headed off alone. I was drifting away with the guys when I realised I hadn't thanked him properly for coming, or said a real goodbye... and I told the guys to wait while I ran to catch him. He'd just jumped on his board but he heard me calling for him and slowly drifted back to me.

"All good Felix?" I smiled at him. I was well above any legal limit and I felt so warm that he'd been there, and we'd all had a great time, and even though I had been majorly friendzoned I was just... stoked with how the night had gone. I reached for him and wrapped my arms around him. Huh. Small dude. For a second he pressed his face to my neck and I felt my hand clasp the back of his head. I released him, but we were still standing close to each other, my arms still over his shoulders. He blinked up at me, kind of frowning and there was a weird pause as we looked at each other.

"Thanks for coming." I said eventually.

"Sure." Archie smiled.

"Next week too, yeah?"

"Sure." He said. I laughed at him and let him go.

"See ya soon. Like tomorrow. Like, skate park 4pm."

"Like skate park quarter past five because I have work, hypebeast."

"Yuh, whatever." I grinned. "Bye Archie."

"Bye Felix."

As I strode away I thought for a second how maybe, just slightly maybe, Ella might have a point.

----- The Crossing of the First Threshold ---

When I got home the next day Bryce was over and he and Oli and Kerry were in the living room. Have you ever walked into a room and it's suddenly like... eerily quiet? Like everyone is blinking and smiling at you with innocent expressions and catching each other's eyes when they think you aren't looking? You know how shit that feels?

I grunted at them and opened the freezer, hoping no one had touched my perfectly frozen pop it in the microwave meal.

"We were just talking about you!" Kerry said brightly. Yuh. No shit. I glanced at him as I pulled out the microwave lamb shank pea and mash dinner and peeled off the packaging. "How's your head?" Fuckhead. But I did have way too much to drink last night. We headed to a bar, and then home with a bunch of booze... and I was drinking to numb the friendzoning. I don't really remember much about it, honestly. I shrugged.

"Fine now." I said. "What did we do last night?" They exchanged glances with the weird look they'd had on their faces earlier. I felt my stomach twist a bit. Oh no. What was I LIKE last night? I moaned about Ella, I knew that. I gave Oli a hard time, even though he swore black and blue they were just friends. And Kerry had tried to distract me by bringing up Archie and all that, telling me it was game over for my quiz night plus one, it had to be Archie forever now which actually I wasn't mad about at all. At least that meant I didn't have to keep trying to bring girls who just aren't that into me.

"Ah." Kerry said slowly. "Usual. You totalled yourself and we had to scrape you off the floor." I sighed. Yep. Not a great habit.

"Anyway how's Archie?" Oli said. I glanced at him. I could hear something in his tone of voice. Just something.

"He's good." I said. "Hung out a bit today. He has work early tomorrow though so we had to call it quits pretty short." Oli nodded and gave me that weird white guy grin where you don't show your teeth.

"He's really fun." Oli said. "You should bring him to other stuff." I shrugged.

"He has friends, ya'll don't need to adopt him."

"Mmm." Oli said non committedly and he and Kerry exchanged a look again. Ugh. What was with everyone? I thought these guys LIKED me. I thought we were friends?! But they were obviously saying something horrible about me behind my back because I knew all those weird looks and pursed lips way too well. But if there's one thing I finally learnt after a lame 21st birthday where none of my so called friends from high school showed up it was that whining about it made everything worse. Maybe everyone's out to get me but you know. It's a major turn off being a whiny git and complaining about that. I sighed.

"Guess I'll go study." I mumbled. And you can all go back to shit talking me in peace I thought.

"Thought you didn't study?" Bryce wrinkled his nose. "We know you're a nerd but come on, we're about to play Settlers." I rolled my eyes.

"Board games? I'm good, I grew up a few years ago." Kerry laughed and threw a beer at me which was really annoying and I majorly fumbled the catch. They all hollered with laughter and I threw it back angrily, knocking over a bunch of shit on the coffee table. Ugh. Maybe if my dad had ever bothered to play catch with me like a normal dad I wouldn't be caught in this fucking such a loser can't manage anything body.

"Nice throw." Oli rolled his eyes sarcastically. "Anyway it's drinking Settlers, so it is grown up. Come on, you can't play with three."

"Yeah don't be lame." Bryce said. I winced internally. If there was one thing I really really didn't need to be right now, it was more lame. I reluctantly sat down with them and Kerry handed me the beer which had just made two trips across the living room and I eyed it dubiously.

"Just tap the top." Kerry suggested.

"Yeah I know." I said defensively. I glared at him as I tapped the can and cautiously opened it. I spluttered at it fizzed everywhere and caught me in the face, and ruined my t-shirt, and somewhat gratifyingly also caught Oli in the explosion. They laughed at me again and I tried to join in. I tried not to care. But inside I could feel a major lump in my chest starting to form. Christ Felix. Keep it together you fucking loser.

---

The next few days were pretty uneventful. Worked, drank too much coffee, listened to music as I skated. I'd given up trying to like hip hop and retreated into my lame white boy rock which suited me better anyway. Hip hop is so unrelatable- I grew up in fucking Wellington. What do I know about class and race struggles in LA!? I definitely know about shit high school experiences and how girls don't like you, which is kind of why Wheezer and The Offspring were my bands of choice. I skated better when I was listening to something. I didn't feel as distracted by people watching me, and probably judging me. Naturally, one night at some point Archie cruised up and waved at me. I hopped off my board and we awkwardly both half went in for a hug and changed our minds at the last second- which left us with a fist bump, which I somehow mangled because I was going in for a hand shake and I ended up clasping his fist. He laughed at me.

"You're such a dork." He said. "How's it, hypebeast?"

"Good." I said. I didn't want to get into it. Not great. My flat family was still being weird and talking about me behind my back. I could sense it like, all the time and even though they were ok when we played video games or whatever, something about me was bothering them. I just wish I knew what so I could fix it. Archie gave me a look that said 'good' was a totally unacceptable answer and I quickly tried to get the heat off me. "Ah- how's work?" I asked. "That new paycheque sitting well? Maybe you could buy a new hoodie." I glanced at him- he was in one of his ubiquitous torn up unbranded black hoodies which all had some sort of illegible band name on them. "Or you could switch from Kingis to Prosecco." I noticed the box of beer in his bag. Archie laughed and motioned for us to sit down on a nearby bench.

"Does Prosecco come in cans?" He wondered out loud. "If so, best idea you've ever had Fee." He stretched out beside me with a yawn. "Actually I'm getting some new ink."

"Oh sweet. What's the plan?" Archie peeled off his hoodie and showed me his arm- I guess I'd never noticed because he always wore long sleeves- I guess for obvious reasons- I tried not to stare as I once again saw his mutilated arms and felt my stomach churn. Anyway, over his shoulder stopping just before his elbow was a pretty sick tattoo, you know like a typical Māori sleeve- I'm sure that has a name. He gestured to it and started drawing patterns over his shoulder. "There's this guy Cam Oliver and I'm gonna get him to like, make this fade into like a kawakawa or something and then get like a Kereru on my back." I winced.

"Sounds sick. Your back though dude? Ouch." Archie raised his eyebrows.

"Oh you'd know." He teased. "Covered in ink under all your designer t-shirts right?" I laughed.

"I do have a back tattoo." I admitted. Archie laughed.

"Liar."

"It's true!" I grinned. "Got one ages ago."

"Of what?" He laughed. "Did you ask for a 13 and they drew a 31?"

"Huh?" I half laughed and frowned at him. He was so weird. "No?" Archie rolled his eyes.

"Don't worry about it." He said. "Show me." I glanced at him awkwardly. It was actually kind of an awkward tatt to show someone. I hadn't told the guys because they wouldn't get it. Archie might though. I reluctantly shuffled my shirt up and turned around.

"It's a tramp stamp." I admitted. I mean, I'd said it wasn't like a million times, but it was a fraction lower than 'lower back' and it was dead centre. Archie touched it gently and I flinched.

"Ooops." He laughed. "Do I say no homo?" I rolled my eyes and pulled my shirt down. He looked at me thoughtfully. "I am no bird and no net ensnares me." He pondered out loud. Yes. I'm not gonna argue that a tramp stamp quote is cool. I was young ok? "That's Jane Eyre." Archie said slowly, as if he was telling me new information.

"Oh is it?" I rolled my eyes. "Wow dude thanks for giving me a source for the quote I decided to get stabbed on my body for the rest of my life." He frowned at me.

"When did you read Jane Eyre?"

"When did you?!" I laughed. "I know you're into books but kinda weird that a little skater dude knows Charlotte Brontë quotes off the bat."

"Weirder than a gym rat who half arses his degree having a Charlotte Brontë quote above his ass?" I smiled in acknowledgement and raised my hands with a shrug.

"Sue me." Archie smiled.

"It's pretty." He said. He winced. "I meant gnarly." He said quickly. "Sick tatt." I laughed at him.

"It was meant to be pretty." I admitted. "I got it when I was like 18. Jane Eyre was my favourite book. She took so much shit but just remained like- the better person and you know. It all worked out." Archie smiled at me.

"It's the last thing I expected." He said thoughtfully. "Felix, correct me if I'm wrong but you're actually like, kind of a soft guy under all this aren't you?" I snorted.

"Under all what exactly?"

"Your dumb frat bro routine." He laughed. I scowled at him.

"It's not a routine." I folded my arms. "People can have layers, you know." Archie raised his eyebrows.

"Sure." He said. "But I reckon you just act up because you've decided the easiest way in the world is dumb straight white male. I reckon you're actually super smart and want to do your PhD in feminist literature. I reckon you're way way softer than all those lousy friends of yours." I punched him on the shoulder.

"Hey, don't bag on my friends, dude." Archie shrugged.

"Sorry." He wasn't. I sighed and looked at him.

"Performing arts." I said. He blinked.

"Huh?"

"I like English Lit but I would have done performing arts." I bit my lip. "Specifically musical theatre. Dancing and singing in fishnets." I said. "No homo." Archie's eyes widened.

"Really?!"

"Still kind of considering it." I said slowly.

"Can you?" Archie asked. "Dance and sing in fishnets?" I pursed my lips.

"Hmmmmmmmm."

"Oh, you can't." He sighed. "It was too good to be true." I flashed my eyes at him. Man I take bait easy. I pulled out my phone and pulled up a very old YouTube video of my senior year of high school. I glanced at Archie as I pressed play. He watched, his eyes lighting up and he laughed.

"You're in this?!" He stared at me with a big goofy grin. "Which ones you?" I frowned. Up front and centre. Like always. But I guess I looked a little different these days. I pointed to the little Felix in the middle. I smiled as I watched him. Man, I used to have balls of steel. I can't believe I ever did this. Archie spluttered.

"That's not you!" He laughed. I nodded.

"I Um. I discovered the gym shortly after that." I blushed.

"Dude!" Archie was almost glowing. "You were so hot!"

"What?!" I stared at him. "You think THAT was hotter than..." I just managed to avoid gesturing to my body. Which WAS hot! I spent every fucking day making it hot! Archie laughed at me.

"You're in a dress!" He spluttered. "And you're SINGING?!"

"Yeah, I was kind of a drama Queen back then." I shrugged. Archie's mouth fell open and he gazed at the video in astonishment. "Ok, enough." I decided. I put my phone away and Archie was still blinking at me.

"What happened?" He asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean... you went from the cutest little drag Queen I've seen in my life to the world biggest poser!"

"Ouch!" I glared at Archie. But my glare never worked on him. "Not a poser."

"You are." He shrugged. "I like you anyway though Felix. Although I really want to get to know that guy, he seems really fun." I folded my arms.

"I'm fun!" Archie shrugged.

"Sometimes." He said. "Did you lose your sense of not giving a shit when you lost that weight?"

"Has anyone ever told you not to run your mouth off?!" I sighed as I looked at him "Arch, you can't say stuff like that."

"It's true though?" He frowned at me. "You give so much of a shit."

"Arch, you're lucky I like you." I glowered at him. "You are way too harsh."

"Am I?" Archie bit his lip and shrunk into himself a little. "Sorry Felix. Sometimes I dish it real bad. And actually, I totally can't take it, I'm a sensitive little boy, so I am sorry." I felt my mouth twitch. Urgh. How are you meant to stay mad at the world's sweetest twink? I smiled at him.

"Apology accepted." I said. He grinned.

"Phew." He said. "Anyways Bub, gotta scram." I laughed.

"Where on earth do YOU have to be?" Archie grinned at me and mimed straightening a bow tie.

"Gotta make myself presentable." He said. "I have a date."

"No you don't." I rolled my eyes. Archie pouted.

"Do so!" He said. "Don't be jealous." I laughed.

"As if, idiot." I stood up and looked at him thoughtfully. "Who's the lucky..." I paused for a fraction of a second. He'd never said guys. I just assumed. Would it be rude to assume? "Fella?" I kind of squeaked out the last syllable. Oh God I hoped I wasn't wrong after all. But Archie grinned.

"Brock." He winked at me. "Ooh, good gaydar by the way." I snorted.

"No one needs good gaydar around YOU." I teased. And I cringed internally. Rude right? Really rude. But Archie was laughing.

"Eh, true." He said. "Anyway, I'll catch ya later hypebeast."

"Good luck." I muttered. We waved and as we walked away from each other, I realised something was majorly majorly off. I felt off kilter, and kind of aggressive. Maybe it was just the thought of going home. Ok, obviously a gym session was in order.

Lifting and destroying my hearing helped, definitely, but something was still wrong. I felt itchy. I felt annoyed. The gym was... not enough, and when I got home I went to town in the makeshift free weights area.

"You ok?" Kerry asked, as he parked his bike. He sounded gentler than usual. But that was probably due to the fact I was currently beating the absolute shit out of the punching bag.

"Fine." I grumbled. "Antsy. Dunno why."