Pretty Fly for a White Guy

"Is the lease up?" I asked flatly. "Is this a goodbye good luck kind of thing?" Oli sighed deeply.

"No, fuckhead. It's a 'we accept you' kind of thing and I know you think you're playing it real cool and no one can see you're fucking cut up about-"

"Don't know what you're talking about." I cut him off as my heart started to beat faster. I stood up and marched out of the room to go lift weights. I didn't have to think if I lifted. I didn't have to do anything. I could exist in liminal space where nothing was changing and no one needed to accept me. I didn't want them to 'accept me'. I just wanted to fit in. That's all I ever wanted. I didn't want big speeches about how I was ok, or not ok, and I didn't want my flatmates intervening every other day with that awful concerned look on their faces. And more than anything I really really didn't want to know why.

Because... I was starting to have a suspicion about why.

And it was getting painfully hard to keep ignoring it.

---- The Meeting with the Goddess-----

I slammed my bag down and reached into the fridge. I grabbed two beers and poured them both into a mug and tried my best to drown myself in it. Kerry looked at me and I shook my head.

"Brock's coming to quiz night." I said. Kerry shut his mouth and nodded. I guess we didn't need to talk about it. He knew. He knew I knew he knew. I knew he knew I knew. But I barely knew myself so we didn't need to talk about it. Kerry stopped me as I reached into the fridge again.

"Two options Fee." He said quietly. "You down four more of those and spill it all of yourself like usual and you show up in a beer stained expensive dumb designer t-shirt fucking wasted or you put those down and go take a deep breath and a shower and make yourself look amazing and be the charming guy I know you are deep down." I closed the fridge slowly. "One of those options might be really appealing." He said. "On the off chance there was anyone at quiz night you didn't want to look like an absolute fucking turd in front of." I nodded curtly and looked down at myself.

"Imma shower." I said.

"Good lad."

---

I looked better than I had in weeks. With... is avoiding too heavy a word?- my flat mates, I'd been spending more and more time working out and my chest was looking awesome. I finally shaved properly and got rid of the terrible 'gamer guy' stubble that had invaded my face. I did my hair, and put on an actual shirt and I even put on cologne. I smiled half heartedly at my reflection.

"We'll I'd fuck you." I told myself.

I did drink too much over the quiz, but to my delight Kerry had insisted on putting double points in literature and I managed 100%, with a little input from Archie, who was sort of half in his date night outfit with his hair done and a shirt on, although he was till carrying a skateboard and wearing his his ratty old sneakers. Brock hadn't dressed up at all and I smiled to myself a little bit as his eyes swept over me. Huh. I had something over him. I could feel it. Even if I didn't know exactly what it was. I tried to act convincingly excited about the gym session I knew I'd never be going on with him and kept myself somewhat together. But the second they went out for a smoke I could feel my shoulders slump forward. Kerry noticed and he gave me a look as he downed his beer.

"You're gonna hate me in two seconds." He grinned. "But in two months you are gonna thank me so hard."

"Huh?"

"Dare you to buy that guy at the bar a drink."

"What?! Why?!" My eyes followed Kerry's to a guy, sitting alone, staring at his drink. "No?!" Kerry raised his eyebrows.

"That is your second veto, bud. You really wanna risk it? Just for a drink?" I shook my head at Kerry.

"Fine."

"Wait. And talk to him. Try to. Just for a drink."

"Fine." I grumbled. I stood up and made my way over to the guy. I stood next to him and he glanced at me. I cleared my throat.

"My best friend dared me to buy you a drink." I said. You're not meant to mention the dare, obviously, but no one could hear. "So what are we having?" The guy raised an eyebrow and looked me over slowly.

"I'm sorry." He said, and he meant it too. He was looking at me with a real soft expression. "I have a boyfriend."

"So? I'm straight." I shrugged and motioned for the bartender to make us another round of whatever he was drinking. The guy laughed and made room for me at the bar.

"Ah-huh." He said. "We'll, sure, I'll have a drink if you're paying."

"Course." I smiled at him. "Waiting for your boyfriend then?"

"Na, just..." He shrugged. "Out. What are you up to?"

"Quiz." I gestured back to my mates. "Every Wednesday."

"Hmmmm." He glanced back at the team and frowned at me. "So you like, what, dare each other to buy guys drinks? No homo?" I rolled my eyes.

"Not usually. Kerry said I'll thank him, fuck knows what he's on about."

"Is Kerry that short dude glaring at you?" I looked over my shoulder and made eye contact with Archie, who looked very quickly away. Huh. He really was glaring at me. I guess I'd left him alone, sort of. But he had Brock, and he'd been having a great time. He could chill for a minute, I didn't need to worry about him. I slowly turned back to the guy, who was smiling at me.

"That's Archie." I said. "Not involved in the dare side of tonight."

"Hmmm." The guy said. He swept his eyes over me. "You're dressed up for a quiz." I glanced down at myself.

"I guess." I looked at him. "So what?"

"So, are you... trying to impress someone?" He asked slowly. I opened my mouth but I didn't actually have a good answer to that. Because I was, wasn't I? But I could hear what it would sound like if I said it out loud. And that was so not what I was.... I frowned. So wait... why exactly was I dressed up? I stared at the drink in front of me.

"Well uh..." I shrugged. Spilling your innermost thoughts to strangers is only par for the course at a pub when you're half chopped. "See, I don't like his boyfriend." I said. I winced. That sounded... whatever. "Archie's boyfriend." I clarified. "Maybe I thought if he saw I wasn't all total hypebeast cunt he wouldn't need to over compensate by going out with that fucking... whatever."

"Uh...huh...." The guy smirked at me and glanced back at my friends. "Why do you think Kerry sent you over here?" He nudged my knee. "If not to embarrass you by making you talk to a faggot."

"I hate that word." I tightened my lips. He shrugged.

"Sorry." He wasn't. I sighed. Why on earth would Kerry send me over here? Well. I knew why. I knew why if I thought about it. I just didn't want to think about it.

"Dunno." I shrugged. "Kerry's weird."

"Sure." The guy grinned at me. "Only to me, and sure, I'm just a random guy - but to me it kinda looks like you have one hell of a wingman." I glared at him.

"How so?" The guy smiled.

"It kinda looks like he's trying to make that short guy with a boyfriend you don't like jealous. And for the record, it's totally working." I glanced up at him.

"Is it?"

"He's giving me the biggest death glare." He grinned. "I think he's majorly jealous. You should move a little closer." I frowned at him.

"I said I'm straight."

"And I said I had a boyfriend." He widened his eyes. "Something tells me we were both full of shit."

I felt my gut clench. And slowly, I shuffled my stool closer to him. I leant on my hand and took a deep breath, staring intensely at my drink.

"It doesn't mean I'm gay." I said slowly. "The way I feel about Archie."

"It's not my call." He said. "How do you feel about him?" I glanced at him and he raised his eyebrows.

"He's..." I closed my eyes. "Like the funniest person I know. He like... lights up a room. I get kind of mad when I miss him at the skate park. I think he's really uh... like..." I winced. "I dunno. I like the way he looks, I guess." I bit my lip. "Kerry... I mean. I never said it, but he knows." I opened my eyes again and the guy was staring at me thoughtfully.

"You should say something." He said quietly.

"To Archie? Like what? Like hey, dump your boyfriend and... let me indulge the weird... like... whatever I have re you?"

"Maybe not that." He laughed. "You've never told anyone this have you?" I shook my head.

"Does it mean... what... Kerry thinks it means?" The guy took my hand and squeezed it.

"Fraid it might." He said. I felt... sick all of a sudden. Really, truly, completely, wanted to vomit all over the bar sick. I put my head in my hands. "You're ok." He said, keeping me present. "You're ok. It's a crush. They happen. It doesn't change who you are, or even make you gay, if you don't want it too. And you can walk away from this bar, and never ever say another word to anyone." I shifted my head to look at him and he smiled at me. "Or we could REALLY make Archie jealous and I can give you my number." He grinned. I smiled half heartedly at him.

"Yeah." I said. "But I won't text you."

"Of course not." He finished his drink and motioned for me to give him my phone. "You're straight and I have a boyfriend." He winked at me. "And I'll take the free drink because you owe me one for being an awesome wingman. Buy Kerry one too, if you ever tell anyone." I blushed as I took my phone back and he stood up.

"Are you off?" He shrugged.

"Been here for an hour and the only guy to hit on me was someone in the closet pining for someone else." He raised his eyebrows. "I'm gonna try Ivy. Enjoy your night. Thanks for the drink."

"Thanks for listening." I mumbled as he left. I stared at his number in my phone and swallowed, trying to push down the churning bile in my guts.

Ok.

So I said it.

I have a crush on Archie. That's fine. It is what it is. And it's not because he's a guy, it's just because he's.... Like fucking wonderful. Cute and funny and... it's all irrelevant. He has a boyfriend and it's not like I had any intention of telling anyone else ever in a million years, so it's totally fine and it is what it is.

I drifted back to the others and shook my head at Kerry.

"I hate you." I said. He raised his eyebrows at Archie, who was scrambling over Brock to return to the table. I laughed as he sat next to me, real close, and helped himself to my beer.

"God, we're a good team." He said. "Totally out of nowhere too. The skater kid and the cool jock just beating the absolute shit out of all these nerds!" He grinned and rested his head on his hands as he looked at me. "We'll have to pick up other hobbies." He said. "I bet we're awesome at chess."

"I bet we're not." I laughed. "And you can't do doubles in chess anyway."

"And if you did I'd be your partner." Brock thumped down next to Archie and pulled him closer. I glanced at Kerry, who was trying real hard to look like he was staring at his phone. Archie rolled his eyes at Brock and wriggled out of his grasp.

"Don't be stupid, Brock. You can't play chess."

"But Felix can huh?" Brock narrowed his eyes at me. Well. Sue me, it was hard not to feel the tiniest bit triumphant.

"Na I can't." I said.

"You're probably a natural." Archie flashed his toothy smile at me and.... What was that? He was like... I mean honestly he was basically batting his eyelashes at me. I felt myself grow really hot under the collar. Should have worn a t-shirt after all. I could see Brock tensing up and I tried to pretend I didn't notice as I let myself shuffle a tiny bit closer to Archie.

"Probably." I said, smiling at him. Brock cleared his throat.

"Did you strike out with that guy at the bar?" He said. I glanced at him.

"Ah, That was a Kerry dare." I gestured at Kerry. Not really my MO, hitting on guys." Brock was still glaring at me.

"Oh sure." He said, the sarcasm dripping from his mouth. "Not. At. All." He glanced at Archie and back to me, making sure I followed his gaze. I swallowed. Ok. Things were stopping being fun now. I sat back and let my face fall into the most neutral expression I could manage.

"Not that hitting on girls ever works out either." I tried to lighten the mood. "But God loves a trier!" Archie opened his mouth but Brock interrupted whatever he was about to say and glanced at his phone.

"Hometime Arch." He said firmly. I could see the annoyed look that crossed over Archie's face but he took a deep breath and turned to Brock with a smile.

"Ok baby." He said quietly. Ergh. I hated his soft little passive guy routine. "Well. See ya soon, hypebeast."

They walked away, and I watched as Archie shrugged off Brock's arm around his waist and at the door he turned, just for a second, and my heart caught in my throat as he gave me the tiniest smike. Kerry put his phone down triumphantly and folded his arms. I glanced at him.

"Maybe I don't hate you." I said.

------ Atonement with the Father ----

I had a new game plan. It was operation 'avoid everyone and throw yourself into work and study'. We were a week in and I already wanted to throw myself off a building. I was avoiding Archie, because... well. And I was avoiding Kerry because... well. And avoiding Kerry meant I naturally avoided all of our friends because it was hard not to. Which is probably why I reluctantly accepted an invitation to Dad's for Sunday roast. He invited me every week but I was usually busy or exhausted. I guess I just couldn't come up with an excuse fast enough and I grumbled to myself as I realised it was coming up, but no getting out of it now. Besides, he was probably super lonely. He's been a bit of a recluse forever but it's been increasingly worse since mum died. Probably good for me to check in actually, in case he'd gone anti vax or something equally stupid. He was super crunchy and even though he was pretty practical all things considered he did occasionally do deep dives on Facebook that made me nervous.

Anyway, dinner with Dad on Sunday and that was my whole week planned. Until Archie texted me.

Missed u this week bud. Beer and a skate tomorrow? I get off at 5 🤪

I sighed. I really didn't want to. But did I really want to lose my best friend because.... Because I'm some fucking... because I was... I mean did I really want to lose my best friend? I'd been fine before, right? And maybe I hadn't put a name to it but it's not like my feelings had changed. It's a crush. Just a crush. And I'm not even gay so I'll get over it....

I winced as I caught my reflection in the coffee machine. Mmmh, Felix? Really dying on that 'not gay' hill are you?

Well. One way to know for sure.

----

I skipped the gym, and I skipped texting Archie back for now, and I headed home, determined.

Just try it. I told myself. Maybe it's nothing. But maybe... well, I'd know either way and then I could deal with that.

No one was home- perfect. I settled in bed with my phone and bit my lip. Ok. Well I'd googled pornhub before. That part was easy. The hard part was clicking a tab I'd never clicked before. Gay.

I steeled myself. Maybe this would just really suck. Maybe I was right, I was super straight and only kind of into Archie because he was new and fun and the best person I'd ever met. Maybe the crush was more like a... personality thing and it had absolutely nothing to do with his face, and his curls and his soft limbs and the way he smiled at me with his full lips that I kept dreaming about all over me...

Yeah ok dude. Totally his personality.

I pursed my lips and typed 'twink' in the search bar, which had to be the tamest search term anyone had ever typed. I reeled a little bit at the options available to me. Oof. Too much. I scrolled halfheartedly, kind of relieved in a way that actually none of them were doing much for me...

Until my eyes alighted on one guy. He definitely kind of looked like Archie. Brown and pretty with longish curly hair. And he was TINY. Way smaller than Archie- and the guy he was with was huge- and in spite of myself, I could feel it. I could feel my dick stiffening in my boxers and starting to throb for attention. I moaned as the silent preview started to flash before me. Oh no. Oh no- this was majorly hot. The way they aggressively kissed each other, the way the bigger guy was totally at the smaller guy's mercy... oh crap. I was so into this. I shuffled my boxers off and hit play because there was no way my dick was gonna let me ignore it and switch the tabs back to something straight. Na, it wanted THIS couple. Like, real bad.

I pressed play and waited for the familiar 'pornhub' intro, but it wasn't playing. Well, maybe gay pornhub is different. I was stroking myself as I watched them- if there was a plot I didn't notice- they were stripping each other's clothes off and grasping desperately at each other. I wanted to hear what they were saying, and more than that, I wanted to hear what they were moaning... so I tried fiddling with the volume for a minute, which wasn't working at all. Huh. Annoying. I mean, I could imagine it, but I really wanted to hear it. I wanted to hear the tiny little twink grunt and moan as he spread his ass- ok now why was that appealing? But why was it even more appealing when the big guy returned the flavour? Oh no, oh god, I was way out of control here. Oh shit- the little guy was making the big guy suck him off and that was ... unreasonably hot. My grip was tight around my shaft and I rolled my eyes back in ecstasy as I... Imagined it was me. And it was me tangling my limbs with Archie, and it was him who was pushing my fringe off my face and saying something hot as he tweaked my nipples and I was melting before him, because I was all his, totally his, and he was making me kneel on his bed and gently pushing my head down and telling me to arch my back- and- and...

Oh fuuuck. I came so hard. I grunted as I felt it building up, my balls tightening with desire and the overwhelming urge just to fucking CUM, oh god, and I so wished it was Archie who was taking me there, not my own hand. I panted as I squeezed my dick, enjoying the last pulses of pleasure and feeling my cum all over my hand and chest. Ughhhh. That....

I mean that was that.

-------

I agonised about seeing him. Archie. I mean obviously 'him' Archie. The only him who mattered in any way, sense, or form. I could never see him again? That might be easier. Or I could see him and wait for the breakup I really hoped was just around the corner. Or I could not be a fucking asshole and see him and let myself stay firmly in the friend zone, which is exactly where I'd happily kept myself for weeks anyway so really, what was the big godamn deal?

I finally managed to text him back. It took me hours of painstaking typing and backspacing and redrafting and eventually I think I nailed it.

Yeah mate! Work's been unreal. Catch ya tonight.

That's what thousands of dollars on an English Literature degree will give you. Worth every cent, right?

I dragged myself out of bed and padded down to have my protein shake and coffee before I faced the day. Kerry was in the living room and I grunted at him. He pursed his lips and put down his phone. He was giving me that look that only Kerry ever gives me, where he knows whatever he's about to say is not going to go down well.

"You need to turn your Bluetooth off." He said.

"Huh?" I frowned at him. Not exactly what I was expecting. Kerry winced and tightened his jaw.

"Before you turn on fucking porn." He said slowly. "You need to turn your fucking Bluetooth off."

My face felt like it was on fire. Oh no. Of course. I was on the speakers. Oh fuck. Of all the fucking porn I'd ever watched. Oh my god. I almost denied it. But that was a fucking joke at this stage.

"Aw shit." I said out loud. "Fuck Ker. That's so embarrassing. Aw fuck. Fuck, I'm sorry." Kerry's mouth twitched.

"You're so lucky it was just me." He said. "I'll only give you half as much shit as Oli would." I laughed awkwardly.

"That might still be more than I can take." I winced. "Um. How much did you...?"