Pretty Fly for a White Guy

"We were going out for wings." Kerry offered. "Wait for you to shower if you like?"

"Thanks." Yeah. For some reason I felt I needed to be distracted.

--- Belly of the Whale----

We laughed and joked and ordered more food and beer than anyone could possibly consume at Kazu, the best fucking Japanese place in town. I was feeling way, way better half chopped and drowning in JFC. But then something really weird happened.

Archie was there. I hadn't recognised him when we came in, and he hadn't seen me or he would have said hi. I just happened to glance inside- we'd been positioned on the balcony which I highly suspected was due to how absolutely appalling our table manners were.... And my eyes fell on Archie. I frowned at him. He looked so different. He was in a shirt- a SHIRT?- surprised he even owned one, he was ubiquitously kitted out in a hoodie and jeans. His hair was straight and slicked back, not like the usual mess of curls he had, and he had shaved his half assed stubble. He looked... hmm. Well he was dangling on some big muscled jock, who was presumably Brock, who looked like the cat who's got the cream with the way Archie was pawing at him. Gross. I had assumed Archie was just a low key gay guy, who like, skates and half arsed everything. I'd never seen him TRY before. I felt myself scoff. He looked like an idiot. He looked so fucking dumb and gay and pretty. Ahem. Like a pretty boy. One who cares what they look like. Which is so dumb when you look like Archie and have soft dark curls, and the prefect blend of freckles all over your cute button nose, and big lips which were definitely going to be wrapped around Brock's...

God what was WITH me.

Archie's out on a date, I kicked myself. That's good for Archie. You don't care. Why would you care? I felt my heart beat faster. Oh no. Was I secretly an asshole? Did I hate Archie because he was gay, and it turned out a little less masc when he went on dates? I glared at them. Na, it wasn't Archie. It was that asshole Brock. Something was just... way off about him. And for some reason watching Archie being near him, and imagining them going home together was making me see red. Kerry kicked me under the table and I woke up a little.

"Sorry." I mumbled to him as I drew myself back into the party. "Head's not screwed on right today."

"Or ever." Kerry laughed. I grinned and shook off the weirdness. Things were okay, until the door to the outdoor balcony we were causing chaos on opened and Archie stepped out for a smoke. His eyes drifted over my mates and I could see him rolling them, a little. I had half a second of hesitation as to whether I'd even say hi... but he was my mate. I raised my arm and whistled at him.

"Oi, Archie." I called out. He gave me a look which I could just about interpret. It was a look that said. 'You fucking cunt, the last thing in the whole world I want to do right now is hang out with your dumbass friends.' I grinned and leapt up from the table to sit with him.

"Sorry to crash your date." I grinned. "How's it going?" Bad, I expected. But Archie just dragged on his cigarette and shrugged.

"Fine." He said. "What are you up to?" He raised an eyebrow at my friends, who waved at the two of us and hollered their greeting to Archie, who waved back half heartedly. Wellington is like that though, everyone knows everyone so you're always drifting off in a bar or whatever.

"Wings and beer." I shrugged. "Just like a flat thing." Archie winced.

"You live with 6..."

"Oh na. Just Kerry and Oli." I gestured to them. "Rest of the gang tag along sometimes." I shrugged. "So I guess he doesn't mind you smoking." I said, glancing inside, to where Brock was scrolling on his phone. Archie snorted.

"Not really." He said. "Most people seem to think I'm cute enough that it doesn't matter I taste like an ashtray."

"Ew." Archie rolled his eyes.

"Well I'll make sure I have a mint before any tongue action with you." He joked.

"You better." I grinned. "How is he anyway? He looks..." I trailed off, glaring at Brock. Archie raised his eyebrows.

"Hot?" He suggested.

"Mean." I said. Archie laughed.

"What?! Brock's lovely!" I grunted. Doubted that. He was probably lovely because he was buying Archie dinner. And that was probably a prequel to the gross sex they were gonna have where Archie would be all over him, moaning like a little fucking gay slut and closing his eyes, his cheeks all flushed and...

Jesus Christ what was WRONG with me.

I looked at Archie, hoping he couldn't read my mind and Archie was giving me a weird look. Normally he's pretty easy to read, I reckon, but I had no idea what this look meant. He looked as confused as I felt.

"Dude." Archie shook his head. "What's your problem?" I bit my tongue.

"Huh? What?" I said stupidly.

"Is it with Brock, or me seeing a guy?" He asked pointedly. I blushed.

"I... woah!" I laughed awkwardly. "Off base dude. He just looks really... big. Am I not allowed to worry about my bro?" Archie smiled a little, but his eyes were still saying he was confused. Well. Join the club, Archie my dude.

"Sure." He said slowly. "But don't worry about Brock. He's just a big teddy bear. And I can handle myself."

"Ok." I said, as lightly as I could manage. "Feel free to call if it goes south though." Archie rolled his eyes and lit another cigarette. Ew, I don't know how he chain smokes. It's so gross.

"Aw." He said. "I was hoping it would go south actually." He winked at me and I gagged.

"Ugh, spare me the details, Arch, I'm begging you." He laughed.

"So what's the night hold for you?" He asked, looking back to my mates. "Get drunk, go to Ace of Spades and hit on every girl in there until you get kicked out?"

"Huh, for a gay dude you really nailed straight culture." I rolled my eyes. "I have an assignment."

"You never care about assignments."

"Not really." I sighed. "But even arguing about Pearl seems less lame than Ace of Spades so..."

"Thought you were all about chasing tail."

"Do I give off that impression?" I looked at Archie. He snorted.

"You give off the impression you want people to think that."

"Yeah." I looked at his cigarette. "Are all gay guys weirdly perceptive?" Archie laughed.

"Am I your only gay friend?" He winced. "Ew."

"Yeah, kinda." I shrugged. "Actually I was hoping you could meet Cole- he's my only black friend, and then we can start a podcast."

"What the hell are you bringing to the podcast? The totally underrated and under served opinions of a dumb white jock?"

"Yeah, I figure we chose something in the zeitgeist and I play the dumb one who has the story all wrong and you guys roll your eyes at me."

"Gee, dude, so woke."

"That's what we'll call it." I grinned. "Alright, you go back to Brock. Tell him I have my eyes on him." Archie smiled.

"Oooh, good idea. Get him all jealous." He stood up. "Catch ya later, hypebeast."

"See ya." I watched him sashay- I know that's exactly what he was doing- back to Brock, and prop himself back at the table... basically draping himself all over the guy. Damn, I really thought he had more self respect than that. I shook my head and wandered back to my mates.

"Who...?" Robbo wrinkled his nose.

"Archie." I explained. "Taught me how to skate."

"Really?" Robbo craned his neck to look inside. "That faggot taught you how to skate?" I shrugged.

"That faggot is pretty fucking slick on a board." Kerry interrupted. I glanced at him. How did he know... I cleared my throat.

"Come with me to the park tomorrow and challenge him, he'll fucking destroy you." I offered.

"Ooooh." Bryce laughed. "Look who's standing up for his boyfriend." I laughed.

"He wishes." I flexed a little as I reached for the beer tower.

----

That night I had a really weird dream that I don't want to talk about. But I will say, facing Archie at the skatepark was umm... definitely making me blush. It was just the weirdness. I told myself. Just weird seeing a guy like him act all... and I hadn't been getting any action. Which, ok, nothing new but it's probably why I was having sex dreams and waking up realising I'd... Uh. Well. That I needed to do a load of laundry. But it wasn't anything really to do with Archie. I didn't know why I was still thinking about him actually. Like, I had an assignment to hand in, and then lunch with the guys and then we might go to the park, and if Archie was there that was just totally fine and normal and I wasn't looking forward to seeing him, not more than usual anyway...

Ugh.

Something was wrong with me. Maybe I was depressed.

---- The Road of Trials ---

The guys and I had a great time, I think, just like skating and shit, listening to their tunes which were certainly no Wheezer- but were fine, I guess. Unlike Archie, the guys didn't seem to have a 6 pack smuggled in their hoodies, but Hudson had some weird over the counter jelly shots which he was hustling out of his backpack every now and then. We were hollering at girls, and Ella and Sarah were trying to shut us up but it was funny. I almost didn't notice when Archie arrived, until he thumped down beside me and grabbed the sugary plastic shot from my hand.

"Oi!"

"Ergh!" He winced as he downed it. "This what you're drinking these days?" He paused and turned his head to one side. "Actually. Not half bad. That's fucking delicious. Swap another one for a Kingi?"

"Yeah mate." He surreptitiously passed me a beer and I rolled my eyes and opened it. Archie pointed to the public liquor ban sign and I laughed.

"They don't care." I said. "I've literally never been bothered here." Archie raised his eyebrows.

"Yuh, cos you look like a rich white douchebag." He snorted. "I've been bothered here plenty." I felt a little bad and silently swore at myself. Yuh, idiot, your experiences probably aren't universal.

"Try being less of a nuisance then." I teased him, peering at him sideways to make sure he didn't really get upset at that. He grinned and thumped me gently.

"I'm a model citizen." He said.

"You're almost the definition of not that." I laughed. Archie ignored me and jumped up as he spotted someone.

"Sweet, Brock's here!" He waved. I followed his gaze to the guy he'd had dinner with, who was waving back at Archie with a big smile on his face. Ugh. Didn't they barely know each other?

"Great." I muttered. Archie's head swung back to me sharply and he raised an eyebrow.

"Be nice." He folded his arms. "I told him you were cool, do I have to take that back?"

"What?!" I threw up my hands. "You're way too sensitive." I rolled my eyes and stretched out. As good a time as any to march away semi grumpily, I decided. But Archie grabbed the back of my t-shirt. "Oi." I pushed him off and checked he hadn't stretched it out.

"Oi!" He mocked me. "I wanted you to meet Brock."

"Why?"

"Because it's important for my best friend and any potential boyfriends to get along." He sighed. "It just won't work otherwise." My frostiness melted a little at the unprompted best friend label, just in time, because Brock was bearing down on us. I reached up and grasped his hand. Archie liked him, I guess. He can't be that bad. Unless Archie had really bad taste in men. Which he probably did actually, I mean catch a load of the guy. He puts on one hell of a front but anyone can see he's really just a short little twink who wants someone to hold their hand.

"Tena koe, Felix." Brock grinned at me. I nodded curtly.

"Hey." I said, quickly pulling my hand away. Ugh. Perfect handshake, of course, just firm, enough to be in control without being an asshole. Brock smiled and threw himself down beside me. Could he not? I shuffled a little, so he wasn't touching me.

"Arch says you guys skate here a bit?" I glanced at him.

"Yuh, a bit." If I kept my answers short maybe he'd drift away.

"You any good?" Brock smiled. Dammit. Nice big easy smile. Wanker. I almost told him I was fucking stand out, actually, but I caught Archie out of the corner of my eye jumping over a bench and sighed.

"Not really." I admitted. Brock laughed.

"Oh thank fuck." He said. "Arch goes- come skating with me, it'll be fun- knowing full well I have the balance of a drunk elephant. I was worried I'd be sitting on the sidelines holding his bag and you'd all roll your eyes at what a dumb fag I am." I blinked and felt my mouth twitch.

"Actually none of us can skate except for Archie." I said. "You're in great company. I'm super used to holding his bags while he does tricks and shows me up."

"Mm." Brock grunted and his eyes flickered over me. "Well I guess you're off bag duty If I'm around."

"We can share." I joked, reaching into Archie's bag and handing him a beer.

"So where'd you two meet?" Brock asked as he opened it. "Do you work at Neo too?" I shook my head.

"Oh, na, we just like... met in like... a park..." Brock raised his eyebrows.

"A park." He said flatly, staring at his beer. "Right. Never heard Grindr pronounced like that." I spluttered and beer ended up all over me. God dammit, was I ever gonna manage to keep a t- shirt clean?

"Oh my god." I laughed. "Errr- no dude. Seriously, we met skating. I'm straight." I laughed awkwardly. Brock glanced at me and I could see his muscles relax. Huh. I smiled to myself as I realised I'd made him nervous. I'd never made anyone nervous like that. I kind of liked it. It put the power back in my hands. I debated teasing him but I decided against it. "Where did you meet?" I suddenly caught myself. "Actually, don't answer that. I don't want to know." Brock laughed and cheersed me with his can.

"You probably don't." He agreed and relaxed beside me. "So Archie says you're like a total gym rat? You need to give me some pointers dude. I just got into lifting and I feel super out of my depth all the time. All those weirdly buff guys there like all the time..." He wrinkled his nose. "I'm too scared to try the free weights so I'm stuck on the machines like a total pussy." I laughed at him good naturedly.

"You have a major head start on when I started going." My eyes swept involuntarily over his frame. "I was like 150kg of pure lard."

"Doubt."

"Promise." I smiled. "I wear a cap, because then you can't see other people watching you and I started on the bikes because I couldn't manage a treadmill."

"Really?" Brock widened his eyes. "Damn, we'll, congrats I guess."

"Thanks." I smiled at him. "I still can't really face it at peak hour. Too many people. Makes me nervous I'll do something dumb."

"We have to go together." Brock decided. "I seriously need some help. I look ok because I'm tall but I'm like, so unfit. I'm wheezing two minutes into my warmup."

"Probably all the second hand smoke from Archie". I joked. Brock laughed.

"Ergh, he is so lucky he's cute." He said. "It's fucking disgusting."

"Agreed." I sighed and relaxed onto the bench as we watched Archie skate and the other lads try to skate. Maybe Brock was kind of ok. I still didn't like him though, and I couldn't put my finger on why. We talked for ages, and we had loads in common- read the same stuff, liked adventure sports, both got weirdly obsessive about sneaker drops... By all rights this guy should have been my new best friend. We were so up each other's alley. But I just didn't like him. We had just exchanged numbers to arrange a gym session when Archie drifted back over. He tucked himself in Brock's arm and lit a cigarette, smiling at us.

"Please tell me you get along." He said. I laughed awkwardly and waved my phone.

"Already got a date set up." Archie grinned.

"Where's my invite?"

"It's the gym, baby, good fucking luck." Brock rolled his eyes as he teased Archie, and swept a curl off his face. Ergh. Baby. I just knew Archie would recoil at that and tell him off for being such a possessive asshole. Only Archie didn't do that at all. He just smiled and rested his head on Brock's chest.

"Yeah, might skip that." He said. "It's good to take rest days."

"Ah-huh." Brock said seriously. "You've had what? How old are you? Like 22? Times 365 so roughly let's say 8000 rest days in a row?"

"They made me do PE in high school." Archie said. "Although I mostly bunked. I'm still in recovery."

"Yeah, don't strain yourself." Brock teased. To my relief Kerry waved at me from across the park gesturing at his watch. Phew. Any excuse not to be stuck with these two lovesick idiots.

"Ah, That's my ride." I apologised half heartedly as I jumped up. "See ya Arch, nice to meet you Brock." I ran away as fast as I politely could and went to join Kerry. He was calling us an Uber and glanced back to wave at Archie before we went to wait near the supermarket.

"Who's the big fella?" He asked.

"Brock." I said stiffly.

"Friend of Archie's?" Oli asked. I pursed my lips.

"More than friend I think." Oli and Kerry sharply looked at each other and widened their eyes. I frowned. Cool, cool. More weird unspoken conversations.

"We have gin at home." Oli said to Kerry. "When's the Uber? I could grab some tonic." Kerry nodded.

"And chips and steak." He said. "And red wine."

"Yeah, on it."

"7 minutes." Kerry called out to him as he boosted to the supermarket.

"Did we... have a night planned?" I asked, confused. Kerry shook his head.

"Na." He winced. "Thought you might need one."

"Oh." That was sort of sweet of them. Maybe they'd noticed how ratchet I'd been feeling.

"So uh... Brock's a total jerk right?" Kerry said with a grin. I frowned at him.

"No? He's... hmmm you'd probably really like him." I grumbled. "Funny, and fun hobbies, real humble and stuff." I sighed and Kerry nodded sympathetically.

"But you hate him." I shrugged.

"Yeah, what is that?" I wondered out loud. "Do you think I'm homophobic?" Kerry started to laugh.

"Kinda?" He said. "Doesn't matter though. Let's go home, get pissed and shit talk Brock." I grinned in spite of myself.

"Why are we shit talking Brock?" Kerry smiled.

"You'll feel better." He said enigmatically.

----

I went to bed at a sensible hour, just before I reached the tipping point of way, way too much to drink and eat, and fell asleep basically the minute my head hit the pillow. And I had another dream. The weirdest dream. I told you, it's probably because I'm so sex starved. And Archie was on my brain. I mean there's no reason I'd be dreaming about him tucking his head in my chest and saying absolutely filthy things and letting me... there's just no reason for it.

And I couldn't face my reflection.

I stumbled into the living room after work and Oli raised his eyebrows at me.

"Trying out designer stubble?" I laughed.

"Trying out laziness." I said. "Suits me?"

"Not really." Oli said. "And your hair is a mess."

"Thanks." I plopped down next to him. My mind was on everything at once. I was feeling so shitty these days. All the time. The only thing that had been cheering me up was Archie but now he had a stupid perfect boyfriend and I was... Jesus Christ why was I having SEX dreams about him? Something was so so so wrong! What had happened to me? I thought I'd fixed myself? Oli looked at me thoughtfully and paused his game. He took a deep breath.

"Kerry said you'd been um... going through it." He said. I felt myself tense up.

"Since when do we pay attention to Kerry's weird melodramatic bullshit?"

"Since you stopped spending hours on your hair." Oli grinned. "Fee- I just wanted to say uh... we all really like you. And you're Uh... like all good you know?" I didn't know. I could feel my whole body tensing up as he spoke. "And we like you even though you're a massive nerd and somehow a total fucking dumbass at the same time. And things change and people grow and we'd like you no matter what." I stared at him. From time to time Kerry did this shit- get you alone and tell you nice things to boost your ego and that kind of crap. But Oli definitely did not. I had no idea where it was coming from. It reeked of something fucking awful.