Pretty Fly for a White Guy

"Felix, the worst thing in the world is so fucking not someone thinking you're gay." He said. Ughhhh. Again. Could he not take a damn hint and drop it? I stared at my drink and shook my head hopelessly.

"You really think I am, don't you?" I muttered eventually. Kerry just looked at me. He took a deep breath.

"Ok." He said slowly. "I approached this pretty bad..."

"You approached this pretty bad." I agreed. "Think I'm off."

"You have to drink..."

"The dare was order." I stood up. "I'll see you at home."

----

I got home and changed into some training gear to shake him off. I have a gym membership but the guys and I had also set up a little home gym because none of us needed the garage cos we couldn't drive. So we had a small free weights area and a punching bag instead. It was a good place to do like, the opposite of thinking. You just beat the shit out of the bag and played with weights and in my case listened to music and the blood pumping through you was too much to really, actually think. Like the whole world just fell away. That was my favourite part of the day. Like a short time where I could just... not exist. I didn't have to worry about anything, I didn't have to be anyone- I just fucking sweated and swore and pushed myself to my limits.

Eventually Oli kicked me out for his turn and I went to shower. I admired myself in the mirror as the room started to steam up, gently touching my biceps in awe and running my hands over my torso. Hmmm. My chest could be a little bigger. I always really liked guys with big chests. I mean, no I mean I liked the look of like, a really big chest- with tight puffy pecs and big nipples and... wait I'm trying to say uh, I admire the whole um, aesthetic. Hmm. Like what I mean is my abs were good but my chest could be bigger. That's what I mean.

----- Supernatural Aid -----

I didn't find myself hanging out with Archie for a week or so, school just happened to heat up a bit, but I was gonna meet up with the guys for fish and chips at Oreiental Bay and couldn't be fucked going home between work and the beach. I headed to the skatepark with a smile on my face. He'd be there right? I assumed that was just kind of what he did- just hang around the skate park smoking like some kind of chill NPC. I'd learnt a bit about him when we'd been chatting a couple of weeks ago- he worked full time in the cafe and was half heartedly saving up for Uni. He seemed quite interested in what I was studying actually, and we didn't really dive deep into it, but he definitely sounded like he might be kind of a bookworm; he caught every single reference I made. Other than reading, and skating, and smoking too much weed though I hadn't really picked up on hobbies.

I was unreasonably disappointed when he didn't seem to be there. You know where you just set your heart on your day going one way and it doesn't? I guess I could skate without him, but I'd been looking forward to hanging out all day. I sighed and sat down on a bench and pulled out my phone to call him. He didn't pick up but he texted me right away.

At work, what's up?

When are you off? I'm waiting for you at the skatepark

Lol did we have plans? I might be busy

You're not

😝 See ya soon 🤘

I grinned to myself and waited for him, lazily drifting around and checking the time about every two minutes. Eventually I heard someone coming up behind me at breakneck speed and grinned as I turned to face Archie, who punched my fist in greeting, triumphantly leaping off his board and catching it.

"Missed you." I greeted him as we sat down together and Archie lit a cigarette. He laughed.

"Did you?"

"How was work?" Archie shrugged.

"Owe you a beer actually." He smiled at me. "Got a pay rise, which was a million percent due to you making my coffee drinkable."

"Nice!" I grinned and glanced around the park. "Actually though, you wanna?" Archie frowned at me. "Grab a beer?" I shrugged. "Been waiting for you for ages." Archie laughed.

"So tell me next time we have plans!" He rolled his eyes. "But yeah, sure." He glanced around. "Does anywhere here like, actually do beer?"

"Welsh just back in town." I stood up.

"Welsh?!" Archie let me pull him up and drag him with me as I headed across the street. "God, you like actually drink there?"

"Come on." I rolled my eyes.

We went into the bar and I cheerily greeted the overworked guy who seemed to live there. Like honestly, Wednesday night after the quiz? He's there. Saturday night at 2am when I haven't gotten lucky? He's there. And now, Monday afternoon when by all rights this kind of shit dive should be closed... Well there he was. Archie looked around the place with a smile.

"Never actually been in here." He grinned at me. "Pretty morose." I rolled my eyes and dragged him to the counter.

"Two pints of Export." I ordered. Archie gagged.

"Uh, no." He nudged my arm. "I'm buying. And we're not drinking shit."

"You drink Kingfisher." I said pointedly. He shrugged.

"Only to get drunk." He looked at the options and uhmmed and ahhhed for a second. "Ok I'll have a glass of the Prosecco Rose and he'll have a pint of Parrot Dog Bitterbitch." He smiled at me. "Because you are one." I rolled my eyes and thanked him for the drink as we sat down together, silently wondering how I'd yet again ended up in a bar with a guy drinking fizzy pink shit opposite me. I smiled at him as he lit a cigarette and awkwardly found myself a little tongue tied. Uh, why had I dragged this poor guy I barely knew out for a drink? Why did I let him fucking pay for me? And what the hell did we even have to talk about? I could feel myself almost blushing but Archie was happily looking round the courtyard and thank god he didn't seem to have half the trouble I had starting a conversation.

"So obviously I had a great week." He grinned at me. "How about you, hypebeast? How's uh, school? What are you working on? All A's, right?" Ah, thank God. I'd forgotten he talked enough for both of us.

"Yuh, all A's so far." I shrugged. "Latest essay was all about how women recreated modern literature by leading the way with dark subject matters and stream of consciousness prose..."

"Like Virginia Woolf? Or more Sylvia Plath? Or both?" I blinked at Archie. Mostly guys just nodded and switched the subject when I started talking about my degree- which I didn't begrudge them for because I did the same thing whenever Oli rambled on about Pre Med or Lauchy tried to get anyone to care about his economics papers.

"Sylvia Warner actually." I said slowly. Archie's eyes lit up.

"Oh dude nice!" He said. "I used to read her and Janet Frame like loads before I got a job. I mean, I think Janet Frame gave me depression but still like, Owls Do Cry is one of my favourite books."

"Is it?" I asked dubiously. I really can't imagine Owls do Cry making anyones 'Favourite book' list. More of 'I slogged through this because I'm a masochist' kind of reading in my opinion. "Well, I'm not surprised it gave you depression." I laughed and Archie smiled half heartedly. Oops. Maybe that was only like, a half joke. Where it's sort of a bit real and other people laughing at it feels bad. I quickly tried to think of a distraction as Archie tugged on his sleeves and looked at the table thoughtfully.

"Well." He said, before I had a chance. "Actually I grew up in Oamaru, which is sort of where it's set. And there's a character in it who has epilepsy and no one really understands, so he lives his life in dreams. I used to do that in high school." I nodded.

"Me too." I smiled. "High school was The Worst." Archie raised an eyebrow and looked me over slowly.

"Uh-huh." He said dubiously. "I suspect you and I had slightly different high school experiences." I laughed awkwardly. I mean, we definitely did. But not the way he thought. "Was it really hard being Prom King?" He stuck his lip out and gave me a look a faux concern. I rolled my eyes at him.

"I didn't really go to school dances." I said quietly. Archie widened his eyes.

"Oh no! Did they clash with the big game?" He smiled at me. "Let me guess, First 11- Rugby obviously. And in the off season touch but you were always way too rough so they kicked you off the team." I laughed.

"Big fail on all counts." I grinned at him at sat back. "Unlike most losers I didn't peak in high school."

"So you missed Prom to work out because you were too cool?" He laughed. "Laaaame." I bit my lip. Not exactly, Arch. I almost told him I skipped Prom because that's a fucking lame waste of anyones time and I was better off for it, which is a lie I'd told so many times it was beginning to feel true but... but... something about him made me want to confess.

"I missed the school dances because I didn't have anyone to go with." I said quietly. Archie shrugged.

"That's so douchbro of you." He said. "Just take a friend." I looked down at my drink.

"Good advice, but I didn't have any of those." Archie snorted.

"What, none of your hypebeast mates counted?"

"Met them after high school." I folded my arms defensively.

"So what, you and your rugby teammates, who you don't consider friends because they peaked in high school had your own infinitely cooler, I'm sure, parties instead?" I sighed deeply.

"Why are you so sure I was a popular jock?" Archie looked at me thoughtfully.

"You give off popular jock vibes." He said with a shrug. "You know- like real dumb and full of shit and more muscle than sense..."

"Ouch!" I laughed in spite of myself. "I'm smart!" Archie grinned at me.

"You are." He said. "But even I can tell you, you try real hard to pretend you're not most of the time." I stared at him. Huh. When did he figure that one out? Archie caught my eye and smiled at me. "I reckon underneath all that muscle there's a really interesting guy." He said. "And I reckon I'm like one of the only people in the world who's allowed to get to know him." I felt myself really blushing. I swallowed.

"Consider yourself lucky." I grunted.

"I do." Archie smiled at me. "Another round?"

"Yeah, on me though."

"Na." Archie stood up and stretched. "You're a student. I'll spot ya. Same again?" I looked thoughtfully at my empty pint glass.

"Is the Prosecco cheaper?"

"Way cheaper."

"Then that's good." I said. Archie grinned.

"Sweet."

He returned with our drinks a minute later, while I'd been sitting there, contemplating life. I felt disarmed, but for some reason I wasn't bolting. Archie made me want to tell him everything about myself- my hopes and my dreams and who I used to be... He made me want to really boast about my studies and my gains but also he made me want to... almost prove to him I was more than I was trying to look like I was on the surface. There was just.... Huh, I dunno. There was just something about Archie. I grinned as he returned with our drinks.

"Two Prosecco's!" He grinned and placed one in front of me. "Now this is living Fee."

"We'll see." I sipped on the drink. Ok, suspicion confirmed, I couldn't stand it. "Thanks." I said politely. Archie watched my face carefully and smiled.

"Well, on ya for trying." He grinned. "And this is way fewer carbs than beer so you're gonna thank me at your weekly weigh in." I laughed.

"Phew." I said. "Carb counting is my passion." He cackled.

"So if the hobby at high school wasn't the gym, what was it?" He asked. I thought about that. I liked talking to him. I liked being honest with him. But I really, really didn't like thinking about high school.

"Daydreaming." I responded. "You?"

"Watching TV." He sighed. "I'm kind of a moron." I looked at him thoughtfully.

"But you're a moron with good TV trivia?"

"Oh fucking insane." He shook his head. "If only you could do a degree in that." I grinned.

"What are you doing Wednesday night at 8?" Archie raised an eyebrow at me.

"Am I... hanging with you?"

"Pub quiz. Oli has sports, I have Lit, Harvey has geography but we are majorly sucky at TV and Movies."

"Oh sweet!" Archie grinned. "In! Always wanted to do a pub quiz."

"Perfect, I'll let the team know."

"Oh... uh..." Archie's face fell a bit. "Is that..."

"We all get a plus one." I reassured him. "I meant to take this chick Ella but I forgot to ask so I guess you're my date." Archie laughed awkwardly.

"You should totally ask Ella." He said.

"Eh. I doubt she has much to bring." I smiled. "Other than being hot, but you know sometimes winning is better than chasing tail."

"Sure." Archie said quietly.

"Any chance you're good at music as well?" I asked as I sipped on my drink- I guess Prosecco is an acquired taste because it was ok halfway down.

"Oh!" He laughed. "Na, bit um, majorly out of date with music." He winced. "I mean, unless it's metal, I have opinions on doom vs sludge." I laughed.

"I guess that makes sense." I said slowly. "Sort of. I didn't know skaters into metal drank Prosecco." Archie laughed.

"I drink what tastes good." He said. "Or what gets you fucked. I guess unlike SOME people I don't have any need to prove my manliness by drinking the grossest beer on tap."

"Cheapest beer on tap." I corrected him. "It's an acquired taste." Archie shrugged.

"Not worth acquiring." He said with a smile. "Usually happy hour includes a delicious cocktail anyway- although I wasn't even gonna ask here..." He glanced back at the bar. "Don't you feel uncomfortable?" He wrinkled his nose. "I feel like any second they're gonna tell me my kind isn't welcome." I swallowed and glanced at the bar. Sure, super white bar, no getting around that.

"You should try wearing a Tino Rangitiratanga flag and then at least we'd know." I joked awkwardly. Archie laughed and pushed up his sleeves as he lit another cigarette.

"Eh, maybe." He wrinkled his nose. "You'll beat them up for me right, hypebeast?" I grinned at him and struck a pose, flexing my biceps obnoxiously.

"No one will mess with you if I'm here." I joked. Archie laughed and struck his own pose, pretending to feel for the muscle.

"It's somewhere there..." He joked, frowning as he grasped his arms. "Ooh, there, feel it!" I laughed and reached over the table to feel his non existent muscle and whistled in fake appreciation.

"Damn, any day now you'll beat me in an arm... wrestle..." I faded off as I glanced down at him. Oh. Oh shit. Oh, Archie.

I hadn't meant to stare, and he'd obviously forgotten for a second because his face fell and he winced in pain as he followed my eyeline. My hand dropped to the table and Archie silently rolled down his sleeves. I stared at the table and slowly brought my eyes up to meet his again as we sat uncomfortably with each other. He was looking kind of sick, and I tried to smile at him, but I could feel it wasn't reaching my eyes. He cleared his throat.

"Um." He said. "They're old." He looked pleadingly at me.

"Oh. Good." I heard myself say. "Are you... ok Arch?" My voice was so soft. I was just suddenly so worried for him, and his... god. His poor fucking abused arms, literally covered in scars.... Fuck, I mean- I'd seen scars before. I guess my whole generation is a little fucked up that way but I'd never seen them like this, on someone I knew, on someone I liked, who had so much bravado... Archie exhaled and nodded enthusiastically.

"Yeah!" He said brightly. "Oof, I'm so sorry Felix, I didn't want to make you uncomfortable..."

"Oh, no way!" I lied. "No, it's not that dude, it's just... ah..."

"It's a lot." He said. He briefly squeezed my hand where it had fallen on the table. "I appreciate you caring, hypebeast, but it's ok, really. I have, like, a therapist and happy pills and I don't do that anymore."

"Ok." I said quietly. "Well... um. I guess... like, if you ever need to talk or whatever..."

"Sure." Archie smiled warmly and took a drag on his cigarette.

"Also, maybe thinking I'll confiscate your Janet Frame..." I joked carefully. To my relief Archie laughed, throwing his head back. It turned into a cough and I rolled my eyes at him as he recovered.

"You should really give those up." I waved my arm in the direction of the smoke that was blowing over to me." Archie nodded.

"Oh yuh, I definitely should." He took another drag and grinned at me. "Looks cool though."

"Looks like you're trying too hard." I snorted. Archie cackled.

"Says you." I smiled.

"Fair."

------

I sighed as Kerry greeted me when I arrived home with the lads. Kerry skipped, because he had ANOTHER date. Like the third in a week. I wish I knew how he did it.

"So you invited Ella?" He asked me. Oof. Would he have something to say about this or what? I took a deep breath.

"For no other reason than it turns out he's good with entertainment, you get your wish, and Archie is coming instead." Kerry nodded.

"Phew." He said. "Oli actually did invite Ella, was worried you'd be sad."

"Are he and Ella...?!" I pouted. Oli KNEW I liked Ella. Kerry rolled his eyes.

"Oli and Ella aren't anything, they're just mates." He said. A little smile played on his face. "Just like you and Archie." I didn't miss the pointed comment and I glared at him before abruptly turning round to get changed and hit the gym. I smiled a little to myself as I got changed. Well. Ella was coming. That was good. And I could wear something cool, and show off. I was way hotter than Oli. Well. Way more built. Oli was hot- just in like, his own way. I'm glad I wasn't competing with him actually- he's way taller than me so I'm already not first pick, and he was popular in high school so he's relaxed and not weird around girls the way I am.

After the gym I carefully shaved myself. I have a curated look, not that anyone gets to see it, but since I don't grow much chest hair I figure I might as well stay with like, the shiny puffy bodybuilder chest I was aiming for... and I have uncontrollable pubes if I don't work on it so even thought it's kind of gay af I like them to look a certain way- not too much, just enough to be manly, and leave a hot little trail right to my bellybutton... If I ever do manage to get a chick home I have no doubt she'll appreciate the inordinate amount of time it takes to get my naked body looking just right.

Once I was sorted I settled on for the night in my room with my headphones and laptop. My usual search terms were nothing too wild. Uh. You know. I don't have, like, fetishes. I just watch porn. I guess I kind of like a smaller guy, maybe that's an ego thing, and the girl could be literally anyone. I don't care. As long as they're both moaning in ecstasy I can usually just close my eyes and um. Well. I guess I jack off a little different to most guys. You see, like years ago I'd tried, back in high school just umm... you know when you're young and trying everything... I mean I just tried sticking something up my ass. And well. I mean. There's a reason people have anal right? Yeah so, I guess when I jerk off I kind of have like... well, I mean I guess you'd technically call it a dildo... uh.

Anyway. I jerked off and fell asleep.

----

We dominated the quiz thanks to Archie's insistence we put double points on TV and movies. He cleaned up. He fit in really well with everyone, I mean, of course he did but... you know. We can be cunts. But we weren't tonight. The lads were as rowdy as usual and gave each other a lot of shit but they were a little soft on Archie. I noticed, but I didn't say anything. I was pretty grateful, actually. I didn't want him to decide I was lame and loud and offensive and all that and stop hanging out with me. He and the lads drifted out for a smoke at some point and I grinned to myself as I realised that me and Ella were going to be alone for a minute. I awkwardly shuffled a little closer to her.

"How's school?" I asked her. Yuh, I told you. Pick up lines aren't my strong suit. Ella shrugged and stretched out, spilling herself over the table.