Pretty Fly for a White Guy

"Enough." Kerry gave me a small smile. "Enough to confirm you're lying to me about... well. You know." I felt my head hang. What do you even say to that? I was caught red handed, watching gay porn. What the hell are you meant to say to that? I glanced up at Kerry and sighed.

"I'm begging you not to say anything." My teeth were clenched. "Like- whatever you need Kerry. I'll fucking fix up your bike. I'll cover some shifts for you at work. I'll buy you the next a million rounds."

"What, to keep everyone from knowing you're gay?" He rolled his eyes. "You don't need to do anything. But I think you should come out. I think you might find life a bit easier without pretending-"

"I'm not!" I cut him off. "I'm not pretending anything! I clicked on the wrong video." Kerry sighed deeply.

"Sure." He said flatly. "Felix. If you were me, and your best friend was clearly going through it, and the reason was almost 100% probably because he was trying desperately to pretend to be something he wasn't, what would you do?" I stared at him. I wanted so badly to be mad at him. But actually I felt something else. Something really crappy and weird. I felt my eyes prick.

"Um." I said lamely. "I would... like it... if you just.... Backed off and let me... like... process." I stumbled on my words. "Um. I don't actually.... I don't have an answer for you." I took a deep breath to keep myself from crying. "But I do appreciate it." I half whispered and my gut went real tight out of nowhere. Kerry looked at me softly.

"You have all the time in the world." He said quietly. "And when you're done processing I'll take you out for margaritas." I grinned through my sudden emotional overwhelm.

"Can I still drink beer?" I asked. "You know... even if I am.... You know..." Kerry grinned at me.

"Of course." He said. "Actually I don't think there are rules." I smiled at him.

"Sorry for uh... dragging you into...."

"I'm not." He said. "Anyway. You go to class and process. I'll see ya at work this arvo."

----

I went to school, I went to work... my mind was 1000% not there and it was all really boring and barely distracting me from my plans for the evening. I'd never had the issue before of trying to look someone in the eye the night after you fantasized about them fucking you. New. Pretty bad new. Definitely not a major fan.

Before I knew it I was trudging to the skate park, and before I knew it... well. There he was. The awful tension in my gut fell away as I saw his smiling face, and kind of turned into butterflies and I waved. He approached me and we fell into a hug before I had time to process. I probably lingered. I did linger. I held him tighter than I needed to, and I let my hands curl around him in a way they absolutely should not have been. We parted and he looked around the skate park.

"Crowded huh?" He glanced at me. "Let me buy you a drink at the Welsh?" I laughed awkwardly. Nah. I really needed to keep moving.

"Walk?" I asked. Archie snorted.

"Are you a terrier?" I shrugged.

"Kinda. Come on." Archie laughed and let me cajole him into heading to the beach nearby, and we strolled on the sand. He picked up a stick and teased me, asking me if I'd fetch it if he threw it.

"Yeah I'd probably go for that." I said. Meaning, yeah Archie, I'd do anything you asked.

"So how's work?" He asked. "Busy busy busy, too many shit baristas out there?"

"Ah, no one is half as much work as you were."

"Good." He said. "Reputation still standing then."

"How's Brock?" I asked cautiously. Archie grunted.

"We broke up." He said flatly. He winced and ran his fingers through his hair. "I mean, I broke up with him."

"Oh." I blinked at him and wrestled with the smile that was threatening to come out. "Why? Thought you were super into him." Archie looked at me thoughtfully.

"Yeah I was." He said. "But... eh. I'm not... I'm not in the right place for him. He knew it too. It's all good, you know. Good clean break." He snapped the stick he was carrying in half and I raised my eyebrows.

"Ah-huh." I said. "Well single life I guess. Join the pity party." Archie snorted.

"Ew, yours? Spare me."

"Fuck off!" I laughed. "I have fun."

"You do not." He said. "You go to parties and drink too much."

"That's fun." I grinned. "May as well enjoy playing the field." Archie burst out laughing.

"You don't play the field!"

"I do!"

"The only time I've ever seen you approach someone in a bar was that guy on quiz night. And it turns out that was just a stupid dare."

"Got his number though." Archie blinked at me and his mouth fell open.

"What?! Why?!" I laughed.

"Trying to make you jealous." I teased, hoping he wouldn't guess that was pretty much bang on the truth. Archie groaned and thumped me gently.

"Yeah, well." He shrugged. "Not actually into straight guys who play at being gay for laughs so sorry dude." I winced at his tone of voice.

"Um." I kicked a pebble. "It wasn't like that."

"What was it like?" Archie rolled his eyes at me. "It's alright, you're a cunt. I know that."

"I'm... uh. I'm sorry." I said quietly. Archie shook his head.

"For a second I thought you were actually hitting on him." He laughed. "That was a fucking curveball."

"Mmm." I grunted, as casually as I could manage.

"Oh not gonna defend yourself?" He grinned. "Not gonna thump me for thinking for half a second you were a f-"

"Don't." I muttered.

"Say faggot?"

"Yep." I glanced at him. "I don't like it."

"You don't like it applied to you." He rolled his eyes. "But you'll call me one." I glared at him.

"I'm not that kind of guy." I said stiffly.

"Whatever."

"Sure. Whatever." We walked in silence for a bit as I glared at the ground. He really thought so little of me huh? He really thought I was just an asshole jock who would call his best friend names behind his back. Well. If he really thought that, maybe it was for the best. I could let the weird happy tight butterflies in my stomach I had whoever I saw him go and... and I dunno. Go on with my quest to lose my virginity. I heard Archie sigh deeply and I looked at him. He winced as he caught my eye.

"Why do I feel like I need to apologise?" He asked quietly.

"Because you think I'm an asshole and you know that upsets me." I managed a smile. "I'm not an asshole."

"Yeah." Archie smiled at me. "I know."

----

"Dad, I think I need a therapist." I said glumly over dinner. Dad looked at me shrewdly.

"That's very mature of you." He said slowly. "I thought you said therapy was for weak idiots who didn't do enough exercise?" I glared at him.

"Yeah, well, I also used to say that exercise was for vain self obsessed morons until I tried it." I sighed. "Somethings really wrong." Dad sat down and pushed a beer towards me.

"Is it about Mum?" He asked quietly. I bit my lip.

"Na." I said. "It's..." I frowned. What was I gonna tell DAD it was about? "I haven't been myself." I said slowly. "Everything feels wrong. I thought I was doing it all right, you know, like Iost weight and I do ok in school, and I have a good job and cool friends and for the first time ever I fit in... but I've been really angry, and really confused, and really sad..."

"Oh, Felix." Dad said. "Ah, it sounds like you're under a lot of pressure."

"But I'm not!" I wailed. "I mean, school is EASY, and my friends are FINE, and I like the gym and all... there's just some guy who's got under my skin and I..." I trailed off as I thought about where this was headed. My thoughts were very, very jumbled. But Dad just nodded.

"Hmmm. I used to have a guy who got under my skin. Greg Warner." He frowned. "Asshole."

"Archie isn't an asshole." I said. "He's just... fucking with my head."

"Oh?" Dad looked at me thoughtfully. "How so?"

"I dunno." I stabbed at the venison that Dad had caught. He's such a fucking mans man like that. We only ever ate meat if it was homekill. I reckon that's partially why I was so weird in high school. My Dad had all these weird values and morals and stuff. I sighed.

"Archie." Dad said thoughtfully. "Nice boy then?"

"Yeah. I met him skating. He's really cool, and really funny, and really smart and..." I looked up at Dad as my face went pale. My thoughts were unscrambling themselves. And I REALLY didn't want to head in the direction they were unscrambling in. Dad looked at me and we held eye contact. I couldn't look away, even though I really wanted to.

"Felix." Dad said softly after what seemed like aeons. "It doesn't sound like you need therapy. It sounds like you need someone you trust to say to you that whatever you are feeling, it's ok. It's normal." I closed my eyes.

"It's not normal." I heard myself say. "Seriously, if you were in my head Dad- it's not normal. It's fucked up. It's so fucked up." Dad sighed deeply and I glanced at him.

"Why? Do you want to kill him or something?" I snorted.

"I don't want to kill him." I sighed. "I want to...." Dad pursed his lips.

"Kiss him?" He suggested.

I hate my Dad.

"No!" I said hotly. I folded my arms. "Just a bit." I said. "Well, a lot." I pushed my plate away from me. "And I've never felt like that about anyone ever in my entire life so I'm obviously broken and-" I took a deep breath to stop my eyes from stinging.

"Oh." Dad stood up and suddenly his arms were around me. I put on a show of wriggling out of them, but he held me firm and it didn't take long for me to start sobbing into his sweater.

"Felix." He said eventually. "You know, mum and I knew since you were four. It's ok." I glared at him.

"Since I was FOUR? What do you mean?! I only worked it out like half a week ago?!" Dad laughed.

"Really?"

"Yes really!"

"What about Rick Solomon?"

"Rick..." I glanced at my Dad and blushed furiously. Oh. Rick Solomon, the coolest guy ever in high school, who I followed around like a puppy dog, who I took all the same classes at and used to talk for ages about over the dinner table... Oh fuck. THAT was a crush?! I LIKE LIKED him? Oh my god. "Oh my god." I said. Dad did an admirable job of hiding his smile and sat down next to me.

"So Archie." He said. He folded his arms and raised an eyebrow at me. "Nice? Smart? What does he study?"

"He doesn't."

"Hmmmm."

"He works full time in a cafe." I mumbled. "He's saving up for study. He'll probably doing English Lit, same as me." Dad smiled.

"That's a good degree." I snorted. "What do his parents do?"

"Daaaad..." I rolled my eyes. "Guys don't talk about what their parents do."

"Well I'll ask when he comes round for dinner."

"Daaad!" I sighed. "I haven't told him how I feel." I mumbled. "I'm scared he'll.... Hate me."

"He won't hate you." He said. "But I suppose it's a bit different isn't it? Do you know if he's..."

"Yes." I sighed. "And... maybe he... I kind of think maybe he likes me. I don't know though. I don't want to fuck it all up."

"That's understandable." Dad said quietly. He looked at me. "Well. I think you're right about therapy, Felix. I'll set up an appointment for you, so you can talk to someone in a safe space. Someone who isn't your old man. But I'm really proud of you, kid. I love you."

"Love you too." I mumbled.

I walked home after a pretty nice dinner and a real good chat, all things considered feeling light and happy and also full of rocks and dread. I just kept thinking the same thing over and over in various shades of dread and delight. I'm gay. I'm GAY. I mean, obviously I'm gay, it's the most obvious thing in the world. I'm gay and I love Archie Woodhouse. I'm a gay man who loves a gay man. A gay twink called Archie Woodhouse. I'm GAY and I LOVE Archie Woodhouse.

Only I also live with the worst people in the world for that, and I don't know if Archie loves me, and I don't know the first thing about love anyway because for SOME WEIRD REASON I've actively avoided that my entire life. I really trudged home, taking my time, desperately hoping everyone would be asleep.

They weren't. They were up playing beer pong and I looked at them, tired and sad and wishing life was easier.

"You ok?" Kerry pulled me aside quickly. "You look..." I looked at him with big wide eyes.

"Something happened." I said quietly. "Something I can't talk about." Kerry frowned with concern.

"Can you get wasted and drink it off?" He suggested. I laughed stiffly. I wish.

"I'll try." I said.

Everytime the conversation swung around to me I wanted to say it. I just wanted to say 'I'm gay.'. But I couldn't- my stomach was tied in knots and I felt ill, and the alcohol- surprise surprise, wasn't helping.

Eventually I had had so much I went to chunder my guts out alone. Kerry joined me after a minute and he took a deep breath.

"Hey bud." He said.

"Mmmm." I groaned.

"I wanted to ask. And I um... I won't say a word to anyone. Not if you don't want, but... is this... maybe... about Archie?" I groaned again and reached for the scruff of his neck. He winced as I drew him in close, tensing up as I glared at him. I wanted to punch him, I really did. But I couldn't because it was the first opening I'd ever felt like I had in my entire life, and I needed to say it.

"I'm gay." I slurred. "And I'm in love with Archie Woodhouse." Kerry chuckled.

"Yep." He pulled me to sit with him as he smoked, and I found myself reaching for one. He swatted me away. "Hey!" He frowned at me. "You hate cigarettes."

"They smell like Archie." I explained. Kerry sighed.

"Ooof, Felix. You have it bad."

"I know." I said. "Please, please don't tell anyone." Kerry sighed.

"I won't." He said. "YOU should though. What are you scared of?" I stared at him. Everything. Losing everything.

"That you'll make dumb jokes and call me a faggot behind my back." I said. Kerry winced.

"Well, we probably will." He said. "But that's nothing new." I laughed.

"Be weird." I said. "You'll all hate me. You'll find a new flat and kick me out and I'll have no friends."

"That's stupid. You think we'd do that? We're your best mates."

"But I'm a faggot."

"Sure." Kerry said with a shrug. "You're also into Archie Woodhouse which means your type is a million percent not any of us. We won't be weird, doofus." I sighed. And I leant against the porch and slowly let myself fall apart, half asleep, totally fucked, probably drooling... and at some point Kerry enlisted help to drag me inside and plonk me on the couch so I didn't choke on my own vomit.

"He ok?" Someone asked. Kerry snorted.

"Oh yeah, I've never seen him more alive."

"What happened?" Someone else asked. "He's been... so... fucked lately."

"He's in love." Kerry said.

"Aw." More than one person said. I wanted to shut them all up but my body was totally not up to moving.

"Aw, our little homo is in love." I think that was Oli. I bristled and wanted to tell him to shut the fuck up, but Kerry was laughing.

"Gross, eh?" He said. "But on that note, our little homo apparently objects to the calling of him faggot, so when he wakes up is there any chance in the world we could stop that?" There was a pause.

"Scouts honour." I heard Oli say. I frowned to myself. No, if they stopped calling me a faggot it would mean... ughhh. It would mean they all knew. They all knew and they all cared, and they didn't want to upset me which meant I was weak and stupid and... I let my confused and tired brain drift away, and I fell asleep.

--- Apotheosis ---

I'd never felt worse in my entire life when I woke up on the couch the next day, still reeking of vomit. Oli was home and he recoiled as I sat up.

"Christ!" He yelled. "It's alive!" I winced.

"Hmm. Not sure about that." I looked at him. "What happened last night?" Oli raised his eyebrows.

"You don't remember? We had some girls over, then we went out clubbing, then you managed to get two of them home and proudly spent the night telling us all how you'd lost your virginity in a threesome..."

"I WHAT?" Oli laughed at me.

"Dumbass. You drank too much and passed out." I winced and rubbed my eyes.

"Did I do anything... weird?" I asked cautiously. The last thing I remembered was playing beer pong and wincing every time anyone talked to me and dying inside wishing I could scream from the rooftops that I'd FINALLY worked out the missing puzzle piece...

"No weirder than usual?" Oli shrugged. "DRANK more than usual, which is saying something, but I figured that was just because you saw your old man. Mine always makes me want to drink myself to death too." I sighed. Phew. Coming out was a TERRIBLE idea. I'd never find friends again. Ah. Oh no. On which note, I'd promised I'd see Archie again today.

I debated making an excuse but I let that play out. You make one excuse, then another, and then the chance you might have had with the guy you love is totally gone because you've avoided him for months. Na, I should see Archie. And I'd try my hardest to read him, and if I saw nothing, well THEN I could play my really awesome avoid him game. But if I saw something,.... Oh man. Maybe I could.... Maybe we could... I have no idea. But maybe...

----

Archie seemed quiet, which was unfortunate because I wasn't particularly loquacious at the best of times and right now I was dealing with the hangover from hell. We half heartedly skated for a bit before I stared at him. He'd missed a jump. He never missed jumps. He was so good at this. I paused and caught his arm before we continued.

"Hey Arch." I checked. "Are you all good dude? You seem..." I trailed off as he took a deep breath.

"Uh... yeah." He said carefully. "Uh. Actually, Fee... I'm really sorry, this is all me, and I'm really, really sorry ok? I... just... might need some space from you." I frowned.

"Did I say something?"

"No!" Archie shook his head frantically. "No, you haven't done ANYTHING ok? It's a me thing."

"Are you all good?" I glanced involuntarily at his arm and he shoved his sleeve down automatically.

"Yeah." he smiled at me sadly. "All good. I just need a break from skating..."

"So we could hang out at--"

"Nah." Archie sighed. "Maybe I just need some... um... like, me time..."

"Oh, sure... like to catch up on work or whatever? Do you need any tips or..." Archie took a deep breath, and I frowned as he slowly sank onto the pavement.

"Fee-lix." He sighed and looked up at me. "I..." He closed his eyes. "Need a break... from you."

"Oh." My face fell. And my self esteem crumbled. And my gut sank and I wondered frantically what I'd done wrong. "Uh. Ok." I said. My voice didn't sound like it was mine. It sounded far away. "Uh. What did I do?" I heard myself ask flatly. "Cos like- I'd like the chance to..."

"Na Fee." Archie shook his head. His voice was scratchy. "Ugh. Don't make me say it."

"Say what?" Archie blinked at me and sighed deeply.

"I'm... starting to get... feelings for you." He said through gritted teeth. "I'm so, so sorry, Felix. I just need some time away from you ok? I don't want to fuck up our friendship and I'm headed that way ok?"

"Oh!" I blinked. I turned red as the images from the last few weeks of dreams swarmed in my head. I winced and slumped beside him.

"Oh, I'm sorry Archie." I said quietly.

"No!" he shook his head wildly. "This is so not your fault. It's my fault. I'm an asshhole."

"You're not an asshole." I said quietly. "You're the nicest person I've ever met." Archie groaned.

"And that's it!" he moaned. "Please Felix, if you value our friendship, can you please never, ever say stuff like that to me? Please." I sighed.

"Archie..." I said slowly. "It... might kinda be my fault though." I bit my lip. "Because I..." I winced. "I know what I've been doing." I admitted. Archie glanced up at me through his fingers and I spoke quickly, so my nerve wouldn't run out. "I've been..." I said. "I didn't know I was doing it at first, I promise... but I saw the way you looked at me one day and I liked it... and I just... wanted to keep you looking at me like that. And so maybe I was flirting... a bit... uh, a lot sometimes... And um... like with Brock? I never had a problem with him. I had a problem with how you looked at him." Archie frowned at me.