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Click hereUnfortunately, being a virgin until 9 hours ago, Liv didn't know this, and she did meet her sister in the kitchen when she entered, truly believing that she wouldn't be able to tell.
"Hiya," Dani's voice had a similar impact on everyone. It was soothing and calm, even when she was beginning to have concerns about the well-being of her little sister.
"Hey,"
"You look shattered,"
"I'm a bit tired,"
"Long night?"
"Me and Tommy were out 'til late,"
Dani glared at her, but Liv didn't register it. She was pretty sleepy, and her eyes were still slightly blurry and half shut.
"He kept you up?"
"He's difficult to sleep next to,"
"Have you considered moving back into your own room?"
"And back down? No chance,"
That made Dani smirk a little, if only briefly. For a second she almost forgot that she was concerned.
"I'm gonna put on coffee, you want one?"
"I'm good, I'm gonna bring Rosie down in a sec and feed her. Hey, if you wanna go back to bed I'll make your coffees and you can send Tommy down to get them, as punishment for keeping you up." She'd phrased it as a suggestion, but she couldn't keep the harshness she felt fully out of her voice.
As fortune would have it, Liv didn't notice that either.
Liv laughed dryly, "Yeah I think I will, thanks Dan,".
"Anything for my lovely baby sister,"
Normally Liv would have responded to that with an insult or a dismissive comment, but she was tired, and in an exceptionally good mood, so she said nothing. Dani was almost seething as she filled the kettle and flicked it on.
Liv had already left the room.
——-
I heard Liv open the door and come in. I assumed it was Liv, because she locked the door and, not too long later, was back under the sheets with her lips all over my face.
"Dani says she's making coffee, so you can go fetch them,"
I knew she hadn't been gone long enough to have made them.
"I'll go down in a sec, you want it up here?"
"Yeah, I'm still sleepy,"
Fair enough.
"Last night was amazing, Tommy,"
"I'm glad you enjoyed yourself,"
"I really did. Did you?"
"Yeah, I really did,"
"Am I good?"
"You're certainly not disappointing,"
"Did, uh... Did she feel nice?"
That was the most ridiculous way I'd heard someone ask that question, even in shitty romance or porn. I couldn't help but laugh.
"Yeah, 'she' did great,"
"Don't laugh at me! I just want to make you feel good, I don't need to be mocked!"
I stifled my laughter a little, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it was funny. Really, you were great. Promise,"
"Good. If I do good you'll want me again, yeah?"
"Again?"
"Like, in the future. Maybe now, maybe later, maybe right now, but you'll want to do it again if I do it good, won't you?"
"I mean, yeah, I guess so. It's weird to hear it phrased, kind of, but I guess that's how it works, yeah."
"Nice. Now go fetch my coffee, please,"
So I did.
I got up, I put on a pair of joggers and a t-shirt, unlocked the door, and made my way downstairs. I hadn't been long enough for the kettle to have even finished boiling, but if I had then just taking the coffees from Dani would've been pretty rude. It gave me some time to talk to her.
The kitchen door was open, so I walked in.
"Morning,"
"Morning, Tom,"
She didn't use that name a lot. That was weird.
The kettle flicked off, and she was silent while it settled, and when it had done she poured the water into both of the mugs she'd gotten out.
Then she spoke.
"Liv's acting weird, care to tell me what that's about?"
"Weird? I don't know, I didn't know she was,"
She sighed, sounding slightly defeated.
"I know what women look like after sex, Tom."
Shit.
"Tell me you're not fucking my sister,"
"I'm not," she glared at me, I knew she didn't believe me. "I'm not, Dani,"
"You'd better not be. She's a fragile girl. And you've already got one that loves you,"
"I know, Dani. I'm not having sex with Liv, that's..."
"I- Look, I'm pretty liberal, Tommy, but that's too far."
I never was a spectacular liar.
"Dani-"
"If she was more stable I might be able to make peace with it if not condone it, but she's vulnerable and I don't like-"
"Dani! I'm not doing anything with our sister. She's our sister, that's a no go zone even if I wanted to,"
"Yeah, yeah. Hands off, alright?"
"Yes ma'am,"
She paused, "I love you, Tommy, and I love Liv. I want you both to be happy, but I want you both happy in a healthy way. She's not ready for that, she's had a hard couple of years, Tommy, she's still figuring some things out. She's been through some shit you weren't here for, and part of it is because you weren't here; she's loved you as hard as I've ever known anyone to love from the moment she could see. You have a responsibility to protect her no matter what she says to you. You're both adults now, whatever, but there's lines to be drawn even if neither of you can see them. That's all. I'm dropping it now and so are you."
I couldn't respond to that. She was probably right, I should've been more careful, or better yet not given in at all. I'd fucked up badly, and apparently that was obvious from where she was sitting.
"Your coffee's on the side,"
She walked out. I'd not seen Dani angry for several years, but she was seething this morning. Had she heard us? Had Liv said something? Had she gotten paranoid in my absence, and began to assume the worst of our sharing a room? She said she could tell Liv had had sex, but was that true? Was she imagining it to reinforce what she already assumed? Whatever the reason, she knew. She knew, and she didn't believe my denial.
I picked up both mugs by their handles, precariously in the same hand and left the kitchen. The house felt empty and quiet, and I felt cold. Dani was angry with me, I couldn't be around my mother, my dad was missing, and Liv was...
What was Liv to me now?
I loved her, that much I knew, but she was also my greatest source of inward shame, which made her a difficult one to be around if I thought too hard.
Still, it could be worse.
I made my way up the stairs in silence.
Liv and I had sex twice that day, and again on Wednesday morning. She'd left several marks on me, mainly bite marks and raised welts where she'd dragged her nails across my back.
On Wednesday morning, not too long after Liv and I had gotten done I got a text that sent my head spiralling once again. I'd almost forgotten that Hannah was still not talking to me, but now she wanted to.
-g's out today.
-come over as soon as you get this.
-ill be there soon x
-x
Wonderful. I took solace in the fact that she wanted to talk at least, and so soon after wanting to take some time away.
I didn't say much to Liv, just that I had to go and didn't know when I'd be back.
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
This story is not finished, unfortunately. There's more of it written than this but its mostly just fragmented scene that I have yet to connect properly, but I haven't had chance (or any real desire, if I'm honest) to do it for the past several months, nearing a year at this point, and that's not much longer ago than when I started.
I know what will happen, so it will come about -of that I'm sure- but when is a different question. I would obviously appreciate feedback - if you liked it, let me know; if you hated it, let me know why! The whole thing is still a work in progress, actually. Anyway, all this to say:
That's All For Now, Folks
- COMMENTS
Anonymousover 1 year agoWell, the story has potential and a lot of loose ends to tie up. I hope it gets continued and things start all connecting for lack of a better way to put it. I have written more then enough to know sometimes it takes some effort and other times the writing just happens.
Some suggestions;
1 - Introduce the conversation between Liv and Hannah asap. Maybe Hannah recounts the conversation to Tommy?
2 - I think it would help the story to learn what happened between Tommy and his mother. It does seem that there is a lot of tension between all the kids and their mother at times.
3 - There seems some other background that could help clarify the story. Dani, mother-father relationship, his absence.
Regardless thank you for putting in the effort. Writing takes a lot of work. I have books I have had in process for years that have a lot of writing items that have not fully connected yet. In my head I know the connections but putting it to words in print is not always easy.
Also please don't just leave people hanging. I struggle with stories published that have a decent start that never get finished.
Anonymousover 1 year agoYour sentence structure and mindless rambling made it impossible to read past the 5th sentence.
Monagamous_Nowover 1 year agoI liked the story, a great deal.
I love the characters!
I really wish the author had given some indication that this was 'part 1' before I read it. I would have probably waited until at least part 2 was out to invest in a story of this length.
DepravityVirthover 1 year agoAuthorScottishTexan I will be straightforward with you, the reason there is no real hint as to what his mother did to piss him off (and why Hannah doesn’t know either) is because all of the times it is mentioned were written before I had figured out what it was myself. I have an idea now, but I purposely left it vague enough that if I were to change my mind along the line I wouldn’t have to change very much about the early story. Also, this instalment wasn’t really “ended” as there’s roughly 8,000 more words already written, I just published what was finished and polished and clean to my eyes because I wanted to see if it was worth continuing to write it after I lost my drive with this specific nearly 2 years ago now. The general consensus appears to be that yes, it’s worth continuing.
With that I think I’ve almost answered your second worry also. I do not plan to go anywhere, I’m still actively writing but I lost my will to write for this specific project because my mind is fickle and I have lots of ideas.
Rosie’s ballad was a working title because I have a terrible habit of doing about half the work on a project without having named it, so I went through all of my unnamed projects and gave them all working titles just so I could easily navigate through the mess of folders that makes up my banks of creative works. I just ended up getting kind of attached to it (I like the world Ballad), and I never thought of anything I liked more.
Dani does not die, Liv and Tommy do not adopt Rosie. I don’t think that’s a spoiler, lol. The ending is already written, and all the characters you know remain alive.
Actually, one of the first and longest scenes I wrote that didn’t get included in this part was a conversation between Liv and Hannah that happens shortly after this part ends, but the outcome will remain secret until the release of the second part (which I promise is coming! I have 2 other projects that I’m splurging out ideas on right now, but once all that is written down I’m getting right back to work on this one!), so you’ll have to wait for that.
I wish you luck with your story and I hope you finish it, or at least get someone of it released. I hope to read it some day!
Kisses, mwah, I appreciate you x
DepravityVirthover 1 year agoAuthorThank you for your feedback, I really appreciate that you took the time to say something x
1. In that moment Tommy is mostly mad at himself enjoying it, but he takes it out on himself by being angry that he didn’t stop her, which he could have done with little issue. Cheating while drunk is still cheating, which is what he’s upset about.
2. He doesn’t make a conscious decision to let Hannah know, he just rejects her advances and while he stumbles trying to think of what to say to her she jumps to a conclusion that she happens to be right about, because they’ve been in a relationship since they were practically kids and she knows him very well.
3. I disagree, and the point is very explicit that he also disagrees. Whether you believe he did anything “wrong” by cheating on his girlfriend he still is well within his rights to feel bad about it.
4. You are entitled to both of those opinions, and I agree wholeheartedly that Dani has every right to be angry. She does, and in the bits of the second half that Are already written I lean quite heavily into Dani’s anger, not to spoil anything.
5. I’m not 100% certain, it seemed convenient when I wrote it because she didn’t have to take any pills in the morning (she’s sleeping next to Tommy every night, so taking birth control would have clued him in and there’s a scene in the second half that wouldn’t have worked if he had known prior, same thing with the implant). I also had 3 friends in school who got IUD’s when they were still virgins, and I never deigned to ask them why.
6. There are locks on the doors and they play music, which is explicitly stated. Tommy and Hannah, as well as Dani and Declan, and the Ritman’s parents have all had sex in that house and no one ever heard anyone because the walls are made of brick and not paper. It’s also not explicitly stated, but people in the Ritman household do not just randomly open doors after they knock, they wait for some variation of “yes” or “come in”; there’s a scene in this part where Dani talks at Tommy and Liv through the door after knocking because neither of them invite her in. There are locks on the doors, sure, but it’s mostly a politeness thing and it’s just how they were raised, so there was no real danger of them being caught in the act necessarily, even if someone were to hear, which they didn’t. Also the layout of the upstairs of the house has Dani’s room and their parents’ room on one side of the landing and the bathroom, Tommy’s room, and Liv’s room on the other side.
I agree with you that my plot is not entirely without holes, but you’ll have to forgive me because this was literally my first attempt at writing and it was written primarily over the course of the few weeks either side of my 18th birthday, and has only been only mildly edited now that I’m closing in on my 20th.
DepravityVirthover 1 year agoAuthorI would like to thank the first thirteen comments for their feedback, I appreciate the love and I’m afraid I cannot gleam any legitimate criticism from the two negative ones, but I appreciate that you took the time to to say something, it means a lot to me.
ScottishTexanover 1 year ago---->I would obviously appreciate feedback - if you liked it, let me know; if you hated it, let me know why
=
Okay. Sorry, but I didn't like it. Nah...I FREAKING LOVED IT!!!! 👏 👏 👏 👏 👏
There's only a few things that bother me. The first thing is that I wish that you would have revealed the reason why Tommy hates his mother so damn much before you ended this installment. I really want to know what happened there. Did he catch her fucking someone other than his dad/her husband? Did she try to seduce him? Maybe she trash talked Hannah for sleeping with him. 🤔 Since this is your only submission, I'm troubled by the thought that you might never finish the story and leave me hanging.
That's the second thing that bothers me. So many times I have been drawn in by a fantastic story like yours only to discover that the author disappeared without ever posting an ending. That's every bit as disturbing as making love but having to pull out before you cum inside of your girlfriend. 😏
The third thing that I'm troubled about is the title of 'Rosie's Ballad' Rosie is an infant and so far she is a very minor character who has no importance to a story that is primarily about Tommy, Hannah, and Olivia. I'm praying that you don't do anything stupid like killing off Dani so that Tommy and Olivia will adopt her to create a family. I don’t want that kind of tragedy in a story that already has enough drama in it. Tommy struggling with his guilt is drama enough for me.
I'm really hoping that Hannah can have a long serious chat with Olivia and that the two of them agree to loving Tommy together and sharing him. I love a good Girlfriend/Brother/Sister love triangle story. I'm currently working on a story where the Brother's girlfriend starts hanging out with his sister and they become best friends forever. They're so close that the girlfriend decides that she wants to convince her boyfriend to sleep with his sister and they stay together for the rest of their lives.
I'm adding this to my reading list and following you so that I can quickly catch the next part when you submit it. 5/5
Anonymousover 1 year agoI enjoyed the way the story was written very much, but have some observations as to the storyline.
1. Tommy got mad at Liv when she first kissed him, and then she gave him a blowjob while he was stoned. It wasn't his fault even though he blamed himself.
2. When he wakes the next day he feels guiltier, yet to this point he hasn't really done anything. Liv has. It's not until she puts him on the spot about how she feels, that he suddenly changes his mind. He makes a conscious decision to let Hannah know what's happening, but wanting to break up with her is a strange way of doing things.
3. He is only guilty of doing anything wrong when he seduced her pizza night.
4.IMHO Tommy is an insecure and immature little shit who whines all the time. Dani, btw, has a right to rage.
5. What does a virgin need with an IUD? An interesting twist would be that she is lying and her whole purpose is to have her brother's baby.
6. After being confronted by Dani, Tommy goes and has sex twice more with his sister...in the same house as Dani...and he takes a chance being found out by his mother, who, if the bad blood is any indication, would have him arrested. BTW, no real indication of why there is bad blood.
Those things and others create an unbelievable set of scenarios. I am giving 4* for this. If you wanted to complete your next chapter and clear up some of this, it would be nice.
Anonymousover 1 year agoVery good! Keep going! BYW, I’m an author and I don’t praise a lot. You did good.
