Scenes from a Marriage Pt. 21

"Yes, Mistress," I said, spreading the towel out with my feet. "I hope this will actually be enough -- I never know how far I'm going to spray."

She didn't reply, and I wasn't about to argue at that point -- I really wanted to cum.

Mistress resumed stroking me, hard and fast. I could feel my arousal rising.

Suddenly, it dawned on me how we must look: me sitting there in nothing but my collar, and my fully clothed mistress stroking my cock.

"Oh god, this feels so humiliating. Is this all I get, just a handjob?"

My wife picked up on the fact that I was fantasising a bit in my head, and she replied in kind.

"Yes. That's all you deserve."

"Oh god. I make you cum all the time, however you want, I go down on you and give you multiple orgasms, and all I get is handjobs?!"

I was so aroused that I couldn't hold out a moment longer. I threw my head back, closed my eyes, and erupted.

I could feel the cum shooting out of my cock as Mistress kept stroking me. Shot after shot spilled out, and I had no idea where it was landing. I don't know how many waves hit me, but finally the orgasm tapered off. Mistress slowed her stroking, making sure I was finished, until I finally collapsed back in exhaustion.

Mistress let go of my cock and ran her hand up my abdomen and chest to cup my face. "Did you enjoy that?"

"God yes. Thank you, Mistress."

"You're very welcome. Go get cleaned up, and I'll finish this order."

"Yes, Mistress." I took a few deep breaths and then looked down to see how bad the mess was. "It looks like the towel was actually positioned perfectly. I don't think anything got on the floor."

I picked up the towel and used it to wipe myself off. Then I went to put it in the laundry.

I came back and sat next to Mistress as she finished the order. Then I helped her put her things away, and I carried the crop and my phone as we went upstairs to get ready for bed. I put away the crop and my collar. We both used the bathroom, got into our pajamas, and got into bed.

We were both tired and didn't intend to have a debrief that night. However, I was having trouble getting to sleep.

"Are you having trouble getting comfy?" my wife asked.

"I dunno. I'm really tired, but I guess I'm also still thinking about what we just did."

"Okay, you obviously need to talk about this, so let's talk."

"Yeah, you're probably right." I turned to face her.

"So what are you thinking about?"

"I guess I'm still trying to figure out what to think about all of this. It felt like such a big step for us. We've always kept D/s as something that we did only in our intimate life." It wasn't necessarily just in our sex life, as evidenced by things like impact play sessions, which at least so far had not really been sexual for her. But it had definitely not been part of our everyday life of ordering groceries and paying bills. "It seems like we've crossed a big line."

"So how did it feel for you?"

"It felt..." I grasped for the right word. "Fulfilling. I remember imagining what we must have looked like, me on my hands and knees naked, you fully clothed with your feet on me. Like, what more pure way of demonstrating my devotion could there be? It felt like a really intimate way of serving you." I paused, not sure what else to say about it to start with. But I was also curious about what she thought about it. "How did it feel for you?"

"It felt that way to me too. It was like, here's this amazing guy who's willing to do this for me? That's an incredible feeling."

"I'm so glad," I said. I absolutely loved making her feel that way. "I was a little worried that my shifting around might have ruined it for you."

"No, it didn't. But I was worried about how you were doing. I was worried that all the shifting around meant that I was hurting you, like more than I really want to."

"It wasn't. The weight of your feet on me and the need to keep my position was a little taxing. Depending on my position, it would put pressure on my lower back, my thighs, or my knees, and I kept having to shift around to take the weight on different parts to give the other parts a break. But it wasn't doing me any real harm. I would have told you if I thought it would."

"I know you would have. I guess it's kind of a people-pleaser thing, like I was having trouble setting aside my worry about you long enough to really focus on my own enjoyment. I know that you want me to be able to hurt you when it pleases me, but I guess I'm still having trouble with that. I keep worrying that I'm hurting you too much, and that ruins my enjoyment." She paused. "I'm not saying this to complain about the fact that you were shifting around. I just want to be open with you about what I'm struggling with. I don't know whether this is something that I will always struggle with or whether I just haven't yet found the right way to get past it."

"I completely understand that. And I appreciate the fact that you feel that way and that you're willing to tell me how you feel." I paused, wanting to make sure she heard that part before I continued. "I don't think the people-pleaser thing is actually a new thing; we've talked about it before. It actually seems to come in waves. I don't know whether that means that it will be a cyclic thing that you'll always struggle with or whether you will eventually find some way to get past it for good. But what I can do is remind you of some things that we've talked about when it's come up in the past.

"First, I want you to remember to trust that I will tell you when something is too much for me. I think that in the past, when we've discussed this, you've had doubts that I would use my safeword when I needed to, which made you constantly need to question whether you were hurting me too much. But if you can trust that I will use it when I need to, then you can free yourself to not worry so much."

She interrupted me. "I know that. And I do trust you to tell me when something is too much. I guess it's more of not giving myself permission to really hurt you. It seems so unfair to cause you pain just to give me pleasure. I do really enjoy hurting you, but it's hard to justify to myself that it's okay to hurt you to please myself."

"I know, Love. But please do keep in mind that I do want you to hurt me. That's part of how I want to demonstrate my devotion to you."

"I know. I'll try."

"Good. But anyway, let me finish what I was saying.

"The other thing that I would say is that there's a difference between me agreeing to do something that I know will be too much for me and me trying something new that I don't know whether or not it will be too much. Some of what we explore together is going to be all new to me. I've never been used as a footstool before, so I didn't know what to expect. We're exploring here! The goal is to find what works for both of us. Some of the things we try are going to be too much for me, and some won't be things that you enjoy, and we probably won't know how either of us feels about anything until we try it. That means that inevitably, some percentage of the things we try will be things that do hurt me, and that's okay -- I have to try them to find out. If we never try anything because it might be too much, we'll never find things that do work for us. So I think you need to be okay with the possibility that I might get hurt, as long as no permanent harm comes to me."

"I know. You're right, that is something I need to work on. But it's sometimes hard to find that balance. How do I know I'm not hurting you more than I want to?"

"We'll talk about it. We'll have conversations like this one, where we both talk about how our activities made us feel." We hugged each other tightly for a moment. Then I continued, "I want to say one other thing about the people-pleaser thing. Remember that what I really find fulfilling is when you have me do something that's hard for me to do and that pleases you. What I really want is to know that we have the right balance between how hard something is for me and how much it pleases you. It's really not worthwhile for me to do something that's super hard for me if you're kind of like 'well, it's okay'. And while I certainly don't mind things that are easy for me to do that please you a lot, I don't think I'd be satisfied with only that. I really do want there to be some amount of things that are hard for me to do that really please you a lot, since that's how I want to prove my devotion to you. And as my dominant, this balance has to be your call. Which means that you need to be aware of how hard something is for me to make the right call. So I want to acknowledge that it will be hard for you to both be aware of how hard something is for me and to not let that make you feel guilty about having me do it. But that is what I need you to do."

"I understand. All I can say is that I'll do my best."

"I know you will, my love. I trust you with my life."

"I know. What else did you like about tonight?"

"I think I just really liked how submissive it made me feel to serve you that way. I liked when you cropped me. I was actually a little surprised you didn't do that more, especially when I kept shifting around."

"Yeah, I thought about that too. But I was busy with my paperwork."

"I know. That's actually part of what made it such a head trip. It's like, I was serving you, and you weren't even paying full attention to me."

"Were you okay with that?"

"Surprisingly, yeah, I was. Somehow, it was the very fact that I was serving you in such a non-sexual context that I found arousing."

"It seems like this really is leaking out into the rest of our lives."

That thought made me a bit nervous, but she was right. "I know."

"How do you feel about that?"

"I..." I tried to figure out how to say it. "I have kind of two reactions to it. On one hand, I am really finding myself enjoying it and wanting more of it. But I'm also really..."

"Terrified?" she suggested.

"Yeah, I was about to say exactly that. It's really scary thinking about where this might lead us."

"What are you afraid of?"

"I've been asking myself that same question, trying to put it into words. I don't know exactly, but it is scary. It's a big change to the way our relationship has always worked."

"I know, and I'm scared too, for the same reason. But we're going to figure this out together, okay?"

"Yes, Mistress," I smiled at her.

We hugged again.

"Okay, now roll over the other way, so that we can spoon up."

"Yes, Mistress."

I rolled over facing away from her, and she spooned up behind me. I loved being held by her that way, especially as we fell asleep together.

2020-12-27

The next morning, we had a more in-depth conversation about the line we'd crossed the previous day. She was sitting at the dining room table doing some more paperwork.

"I could use a foot stool," she said. We looked at each other and smiled, sharing a joke that we knew our son wouldn't understand.

"It's too bad [our son] is around," I said with a smile.

"Yeah," she said. "Well, for now, bring me the ottoman, will you?"

I brought the ottoman over and set it under the table for her to use. "How's that?"

"Great, thanks."

I watched her put her feet on it, and it was strange how intensely I wished I was in its position. How ridiculous -- I was jealous of an inanimate object! I spoke quietly to her. "Is it weird to say how much I wish it were me?"

"No," she said quietly, smiling at me. "That makes complete sense."

"I still can't quite believe we're doing this."

"I know. Come here, let's finish our conversation from last night. Tell me how you're feeling."

I walked over next to her and knelt down at her side.

"I guess I'm still feeling the same way as last night. I think this is something I really want, but I'm also still really terrified of it."

"What are you terrified of?"

"I've been trying to figure that out, but I'm not 100% sure. I don't think I'm really worried about the possibility that I might not actually like it. I know that if that happens, we'll talk about it, and I know we won't do anything that isn't working for both of us. Maybe I'm worried that I'll like it too much... but even that seems a little silly. Like, what would it hurt if I like it too much? Maybe I'm worried that I will lose the ability to make my own decisions?"

"That seems unlikely," she interjected. "You'll still be making decisions at work."

"I know, exactly," I nodded, since that was exactly what I had been about to say. "I guess it's just that it feels funny to be giving up so much control. Like, that loss of control is exactly what I want, but it's also what I'm afraid of. Or maybe I'm afraid that you'll like it and I won't, and then you won't be happy if we stop. Or maybe the reverse. I don't know."

"All we can do is try it. We'll work together on it, and we'll keep communicating, and we'll both work to find something that works for both of us."

"Yeah."

She turned her body to face me, and we embraced, holding each other close for a moment.

"I also think that to some extent, maybe the fear is actually part of what turns me on about this. Like, the whole point of me giving up control is that I put myself in your hands, and I don't know what you're going to decide until you tell me. So maybe it's just that this is giving up a lot more control than I've ever done before."

"I can understand that."

"I think that in order to make this work, we're going to need to figure out how to define it, so that we both know where the boundaries are. Like I told you the other day, from talking to people on FetLife, I know that there are some people who think of it as having authority over a certain scope of things and not others. For example, there might be an agreement that financial or health decisions are not in scope, but anything else is. And there are other couples where the dominant has complete authority over everything, and it's just a question over whether she chooses to exercise that authority. For example, she might not choose to exercise authority over financial or professional decisions, but she could."

"I really don't think I'd be happy making decisions about financial decisions on my own. I think that's something we'd always need to talk about and decide together. I don't want to be making that kind of decision on my own without getting your viewpoint."

"Well, let me play devil's advocate. Let me be clear that I'm not actually pushing for this -- I honestly don't know if I'd be happy with that kind of arrangement anyway. But I do want to talk through both sides of this, so I'm just trying to play devil's advocate to provide the other viewpoint, okay?"

"Sure, of course."

"I think that even if we had a relationship where you made the final decision on all financial issues, we'd still talk about any major purchases, so you'd still know all of the factors that I would want to consider. You could then weigh those factors and decide what we'd actually do. It's just that you'd then make the final decision."

"I'm just not sure how well that would work. For example, when we bought my car, you really didn't want me to get the one we did, but I insisted, and ever since then, I've felt guilty, because I've seen how much you dislike it. You always make comments about how it's too big or it gets terrible gas mileage."

"That's a really good example. Although I'll point out that we did actually wind up getting the car you wanted, regardless of what I thought, which is probably another one of those signs we keep seeing in hindsight." She smiled, but I continued. "So, still playing devil's advocate here, let me say two things. First, I think that if I said to you that I think it's too big or it doesn't get good gas mileage and you chose to get it anyway, you'd be doing that because you felt that other factors outweighed those negatives. I don't think we'd be disagreeing on the facts; we'd just be disagreeing on how to weigh the various factors to make the overall decision. So if you took those into account and decided to get the car anyway, it would be my responsibility to be okay with that, and not to let the negatives bother me so much. That would be something I would need to work on.

"Second, even if I was overall not so annoyed by the choice, there would still be times when the difficulty to drive or the poor gas mileage would come up in conversation, and I wouldn't want you to feel bad about that. I think this kind of goes back to the people-pleaser discussion: I think you would need to accept that it's okay to make me deal with the negative aspects of the choice if you believe that it's the right overall choice.

"So I think that there are things we could both do to make that work, if we decided that that's what we wanted."

"I understand. But I think for now, that's a real limit for me. I really don't want to be making major financial decisions on my own."

"Okay, I'm fine with that. But then do we need to define some boundaries in terms of what areas you are or are not in charge of?"

"I think we'll need to figure it out as we go along. I think we may not know until we get there."

I considered for a moment. "Okay. I guess you're right. This is all so new to both of us, and I'm not sure we'll know what feels right to us until we get to a given situation."

We were quiet for a moment, each left with our own thoughts.

"I'm still really keyed up about this. Like, I really want it, but I can't believe I want it. And I am still really scared. I keep mentally stepping back and asking myself, 'Are we really doing this?'"

She laughed quietly. "I know exactly what you mean. I feel the same way. It is scary, but I also really want it."

I took a deep breath. "Okay. Then let's try it."

The rest of that day, Mistress asked me to do various things for her, like putting away the groceries or getting her something for lunch. Each time, I happily complied, even when it meant interrupting a task I'd been working on, which is something that had driven me crazy in the past. And we always smiled at each other as I complied, both enjoying seeing our D/s dynamic spill out into our everyday lives.

At one point, I commented on it. "This... this feels really nice."

She smiled. "Yeah, it does."

"It's like, every time I obey you, I feel like I'm demonstrating my devotion to you. Is it just me? Or does it feel that way to you too?"

"It does, definitely. I think it's because you've been so eager to comply. In the past, when I've interrupted you to ask you to do something, you may have done it, but you've often been a bit grumpy about having been interrupted. But today, you're doing things for me eagerly, and every time, I feel like you're telling me how much you love me."

I smiled at hearing that. I knew that there would inevitably be some bumps on the road ahead, but I also knew that this was actually working for both of us, and I couldn't wait to see where our journey would take us from here.