Secret Prayer Ch. 06

The brothers seemed to take that with varying degrees of acceptance. Robert had the hardest time, insisting that Jarek could just be a "Santa and Bunny" churchgoer to keep the parents happy and still do whatever he wanted.

"Are you dating at all, Robert?" Gage asked suddenly.

"Nah," Al answered for him, laughing at his own humor almost before he could finish the sentence. "Rob-bob is one o' them Hey-sexuals." The twins just rolled their eyes.

Tate was trying hard to keep his laughter down, but not really succeeding. Gage looked thoughtful, though. If Rob was asexual, then that put him squarely in their own community, though the churches definitely looked at the two sides differently.

"So, you're an aberration to the church then," Gage finally said.

Robert looked at him with amusement in his eyes, "Not according to Paul." His answer was surprising but not untrue. Paul himself was likely asexual based on his various letters to the early churches. His expression softened, however, "But I see what you mean. I don't seek out relationships and that causes the parents quite a bit of concern, but not for the state of my soul like Jarey's... choices have."

Gage looked down at his hands, which he had started wringing together out of anxiousness. "Choices, huh? Sure, I suppose Jarek could walk out of here tomorrow and look for a relationship that fits in better with your church's ideals than the one he has with me. That gets him a lot of hate in the gay community too, by the way, because as far as the gays see it, Jarek is privileged, but then you all come here talking about his choices and it proves to me that he's really not. But considering my bisexual brother took his own life with a gun because he couldn't handle not being with the man he loved, I wonder how much of a choice that really is..."

With effort, Gage let his hands drop to his lap before picking up his mug of coffee again and drinking most of it down. It hurt like hell the entire way and he grimaced at it. "But what do I know? This is my first real relationship and my family keeps telling me that those don't last, so..."

The uncomfortable silence that fell after that lasted for several long minutes while everyone sipped their coffee. When Gage finished his cup, Jarek retrieved it from him and replaced it with a cold glass of milk. He hoped he had been wrong about that wince, but he didn't want to take a chance with Gage's health. He cleared his throat. "My choices are what they are. If y'all can't love me for who I am, sinner and all, well... you're not the Christians you say you are."

The brothers looked around at each other at that, Robert nodding first. "I reckon you've got the right o' that. Still, it'd go a long way if you could bring yourself to make some sort of gesture for the folks."

"Like 'drink and eat the blood and body of Christ' type of gesture, or bare his soul type of gesture?" Tate asked. "Because both of those can be triggering to people with religious trauma." Then he added in more of a mumble towards Gage, who snorted in reaction. "If I never have wonderbread for the rest of my life, it will be too damn soon."

"And tap water," Gage replied.

"In tiny little vessels," Tate said and then laughed. "Like what should be used for jello shots instead."

"Those might be too small," Gage admitted. The two knew none of the Catholics would understand, but they were distinctively joking about religious rituals. "And you'd have to pry them out of the cold, dead hands of the Relief Society president."

Tate considered that. "I'll be happy to do that at my dad's church. That woman is a menace to society in Provo."

The Phillips boys looked around at each other, as if communicating wordlessly. "Oh!" Noah exclaimed, "They're talkin' about communion, I think."

"We call it sacrament, but yes," Tate replied with a nod of his head while Gage took a sip of his milk. It did feel better going down than the coffee did.

Robert stood up, triggering a wave from his brothers as they joined him. "Well, Jarey, we're headin' to the hotel. Can we come back tomorrow without the Law gettin' called on us?"

Tate snorted at that. "Not that they took us seriously."

Gage put his arm around Jarek and squeezed his shoulder, letting him know that Gage supported him with whatever he wanted to do. It also let them gauge how well the brothers would handle them just being themselves around them or being affectionate in their presence. They noticed it and looked between Jarek and Gage, but didn't say anything.

Jarek considered it, then nodded. "I have class until 2. Stop by after 4."

With that, Robert nodded and they all left without further ado. When Jeremy and the others showed up, Gage explained what happened and that for now they would see how things went with the brothers before they did anything. It gave them a chance to prove themselves while still being ready in case they needed to pull the trigger on a protection order.

Gage took his boss' truck back to the shop before coming home for the night. He only picked at dinner that night, something he had been doing for a little bit now. He ate, but he didn't eat much. Both Tate and Jarek had noticed his decrease in appetite too, but neither had brought it up.

That night Gage lay in bed feeling the pain in his stomach increasing. It was causing nausea and the need to vomit, so Gage waited until he was fairly sure Jarek was asleep before he got out of the bed to softly pad over to the bathroom, trying to shut the door quietly behind him so as not to wake Jarek. He just barely made it to the toilet in time to lose the very small amount of dinner he'd managed to eat.

When he finished cleaning up, Gage opened the door to see Jarek standing with his outstretched hand toward the doorknob. Gage startled for a moment and then let out a sigh. "I was trying not to wake you."

"I suspected as much. Is it an eating disorder or disordered eating? And how long has it been going on?" Jarek asked, the concern plain on his face.

The only sign of surprise on Gage's face was his eyebrows raising but he shook his head. "No, nothing like that. It just hurts to eat and drink, and hurts randomly throughout the day. It's been getting worse for a few weeks? I think I started feeling pain like a week or two after the cop incident. Tonight it just hurt so much that I didn't think I could stop from throwing up."

Jarek nodded, then started getting dressed. "Put clothes on, we're going to the ER."

Gage looked like he wanted to argue, ready to say it wasn't that bad and was feeling better now that he had thrown up, but the look on Jarek's face made him stop. He went back into the room and grabbed pajama pants, a long sleeved t-shirt, and socks. He slipped into a pair of sneakers at the door and waited for Jarek.

It took them a little bit of time to get back to a room once they were at the ER. This felt familiar, though different at the same time. Just like the last time, Jarek was right beside him through everything, but this time they weren't trying to keep a respectful distance from each other. This time, Jarek openly held his hand in both the waiting room and the patient room. He even stood by Gage's head and spoke to him in a low voice to distract him while they got the IV in because Gage got anxious as they tried to since he was so dehydrated that his veins kept rolling.

Once the doctor came in and listened to the symptoms, she sent him for an x-ray to see if her suspicions were correct. When he got into the x-ray room, they had him drink a liquid with barium in it and then waited about 5 minutes before they started taking the x-rays. Gage looked sicker when he got back to the room, as drinking had made the pain come back. The nurse came to give him something to help with pain before changing his bag of saline for another one.

Within an hour, the doctor came back in and sat down on the rolling chair. "Well, you have a decent sized stomach ulcer, which explains the pain, the vomiting, the nausea, and the blood in the vomit."

"Tell me, doctor. Would it have gone away on its own?" Jarek asked, looking pointedly at Gage.

"It depends," the doctor replied. "It could have, over time, gone away on its own, but if it comes from bacterial growth it might not have. Plus, if it formed due to stress, you'd need to be relieving your source of stress in order for it to go away, and avoid foods that up your stomach acid. I'm going to give you two weeks of antibiotics to kill off any bacteria that could be causing it, and give you a script for antacids as well. I'll give you a list of foods to avoid while it heals as well."

Once the doctor left, Gage raised his hands like he was surrendering. "Alright. Jarek 2, Gage 0."

"It's not a competition, Gage, it's your life, and it matters to me!" Gage had never seen Jarek so upset.

"I'm sorry," Gage sighed, letting his hands drop. "I'm not used to people caring about my health, or putting more thought into it than 'take an Advil, you'll be fine' you know? If I was sick, I was supposed to figure out how to deal with it and go to school, or go to church, or go to sports practice anyway. This is new to me. I wasn't trying to worry you. In fact, I was trying hard not to worry you."

"Well, you did the opposite. No more secrets. Got it? If it's bugging you, communicate it and we will work it out. I can't work with secrets and lies," Jarek said, barely keeping himself from pacing in irritation. "I understand it's all new to you, but I need open, honest communication."

"Alright, I promise," Gage replied, looking like he wasn't sure how to fix things. "No more secrets. I'll let you know when something is wrong."

Jarek relented and hugged Gage quietly. "Sorry I yelled. I just can't bear the thought of losing you over something so stupid."

Gage hugged him back, his heart aching at the fear in Jarek's voice. "You aren't going to lose me, okay? Especially not to something like this. I won't let anything go this long again. Besides, I can't leave my poor Jarey to deal with those four all alone, now can I?"

Jarek didn't say anything but it was clear to Gage that he disliked being called that. Gage kissed Jarek on the forehead and then said, "I can give your brothers a lesson in letters, if you'd like. I'll buy a bunch of supplies for teachers with the letter K and get them to repeat the sound until they get it right."

"I appreciate it, but no. Until everyone stops calling Robert 'Rob-bob' and Alec 'Al', and the twins the 'Ah boys' I may be stuck with 'Jarey'. Doesn't mean I like it," Jarek pointed out regretfully.

Gage could understand that. His family had some nicknames as well, though they usually kept those to only family. He had a brief memory flash through his mind of sitting at the dinner table with Craig teasing him with the nickname Cagey Gagey because Gage had gotten into the habit of guarding his school life from his siblings and parents. It was one of the few times Gage had yelled at one of his siblings, especially at the dinner table, but he'd been fed up.

Gage backed away from Jarek and laid back on the bed, a flash of pain on his face. He took a moment before he said, quietly, "I get you hate it and it irks you, but one day, you may realize you'll never hear it again and it might not be relief you feel."

Jarek had noticed that Gage didn't really talk about Craig often, at least not with him and Tate. He had heard Gage speak of him with Addison, Brett, and Marina, but usually he listened instead of joining into the conversation, like there was a grief-filled block that kept him from mentioning his brother often, despite the look of pain in his eyes so often when something would spark a memory, like right now. Jarek sat down next to him, eyeing Gage to make sure it was okay and prepared to back off. Gage took his hand, making it clear he was okay with Jarek being next to him right then.

"It makes me irrationally angry that you've had the displeasure to meet Kayla and my father, but you never did and never will get to meet my brother," Gage admitted.

"I'm sorry I won't get a chance to meet him either. If you ever want to talk about him, I am always here for you, you know," Jarek said.

"It can be hard to," Gage commented, looking away from Jarek. "It's like being haunted by an entire list of what ifs. All the things I can think of to do now, but didn't at the time, and wondering if I failed him as a brother. I always looked up to him, and I didn't save him when I might have been able to..."

"Well, therapy is a good start," Jarek suggested. "Beyond that, I can tell you that nothing you could have done would have saved your brother. But you did have the power to save yourself and he made sure you knew that."

Gage nodded his head. "Yeah, he did. I think he'd be really proud of me for my progress, illness notwithstanding, but he's not here to see what his words did, and that hurts a lot."

"I can only imagine. There's hardly anyone in my family who reached out when I left and that was mostly to ask me to 'come to my senses.'" Jarek complained. "Even the display you saw today felt disingenuous. I have trouble believing that all they care about is reconnecting."

"Well, if they prove that they are only here to get you back to church and not to just reconnect with their brother, then we'll send them packing," Gage replied, putting his hand on Jarek's cheek. "At least they didn't get the cops involved like my parents did. I hope Kayla's loyalty to them turns to ash in her mouth eventually."

"It's not terrible to be loyal to your parents. It's possible she doesn't understand where you're coming from because she never had to make hard choices like you have. She may come around in time, or she may never change," Jarek temporized. "I spent a few years when I first left home being angry with everyone too, so I get it, but I hope it calms down for you like it did for me."

"I'm sure it will," Gage agreed. "My therapist says she's surprised I've stayed mad because I've described myself as the type who gets over issues pretty quickly and I'm more about moving on and forgiving. Everytime I think about forgiving them this time, though, I just get this flash in my mind of your face when the cops walked in, or Craig with a gun, and I just...can't."

Jarek nodded his understanding and hugged him with one arm. Gage hugged him back, closing his eyes as he sat there with his head on Jarek's shoulder and breathed in that familiar scent.

"I have a really crappy amount of examples of relationships and marriages in my life." Then Gage stopped, seeming to struggle with what he wanted to say. "I know I'm not exactly a magnificent catch or anything, especially for someone like you who is not only gorgeous but also putting yourself through school on your own with a level head and so compassionate. I don't want to lose you because I was taught to not let others see me as weak when I was sick, or upset. I mean, sometimes I wonder if my family isn't right about 'first relationships' though that only seems to apply to gay ones, and it's inevitable that you'll find someone better eventually, but I don't want my taught shit to be the reason you give up on me."

Jarek could tell from the way Gage spoke that he wasn't putting himself down in the way some people did to get compliments or to manipulate his partner. He was speaking matter-of-factly with no real intentions of wanting to hear the opposite. He simply didn't see himself as a good catch; he saw himself as someone people settled for, no matter the gender.

"You've got a lot of work to do in therapy about your self-worth, love," Jarek said while kissing his temple.

That made Gage laugh and then he groaned in pain and laid back against the pillow again, holding his abdomen. "Yeah, probably. You'd think being a white man in a patriarchal religion would mean I'd have a high opinion of myself, and yet...Craig, up until he came out as bisexual, was actually the preferred child of the bunch. Kayla was mom's favorite, Craig was dad's. Addison didn't care, and I...existed."

"Believe me, as much as people generally assume that the baby of the family is the most-loved child, they've obviously never considered what that means in families with more than a manageable amount of children," Jarek sympathized.

"I think it happens in small groups too," Gage commented. "Marina is one of two kids that belong to her dad, and her mother had a third later. So on our side, she's technically the baby, and Uncle Stefan got a lot of shit for having so few kids, but the way he treats her is atrocious. Some people shouldn't be parents."

"Some people weren't made for it. Parenting is a fine art and even the conscientious ones harm their kids in the process sometimes," Jarek said, suddenly looking wise beyond his years.

Gage brushed some of Jarek's hair behind his ear. "That's true. I have a long way to go towards fixing that harm it looks like. I promise to try very hard not to drive you nuts while I do that though."

"Well, there are some things you can do with my nuts, in the meantime," Jarek said, lasciviously wiggling his eyebrows at Gage in a comical display.

"Oh, I'll definitely take you up on that once this hurts less," Gage said with a laugh.

The nurse came back in to hand them the paperwork she had for them, as well as three prescriptions. She told them where the pharmacy was that stayed open all night and sent them on their way. Gage studied the paperwork on foods to avoid while they waited on the scripts to be ready. They wanted him to stay away from greasy, spicy, and fried food while it healed, and the paperwork said foods rich in fiber (like oatmeal and broccoli) and things like yogurt with probiotics would be better for it.

When they got home, it was just a little before dawn, and they made a simple breakfast that didn't have foods on the list hoping that Gage would be able to keep it down. Gage said he would call the numbers they gave him after they slept to get in with a GI doctor. All he wanted to do now was eat, take his meds, and sleep.