All Comments on 'Shedding Angela'

Is that it? It needs to be longer.

To make any story readable, you need to use PUNCTUATION. When people are talking/speaking, use quotation marks - it really helps the reader know when someone is saying words as opposed to thoughts, or even to separate speech from narrative commentary.

If you're not confident about doing this yourself, then get an editor!

...Sarah Palin needs to study the issues more deeply. The actual need is for real substance.Some foundation from which to start. Maybe by the time readers are done shredding this you'll realize this is not a story, merely an outline.Then again, it's sadly obvious many readers here are the type to endorse vacuity.

Like it somwish there was more. Couple loose ends, what is a Deed what happened to the wife did she really fuck him what about all the family cash. Did he finally find happiness this nice guy deserves that at the least. I'll rate the stars on the next chapter. I like your writing very much just want MORE. Of course that's a good problem for any writer!

Decided not fair to you to wait for another chapter FIVE stars based on liking the male lead no Wimp here! Give us some more

A) need a story

B) need an editor

C) need a clue

Ready like an outline and then didn't have true closure at the end.

Not bad for a draft, but this story needed to have mroe attention paid to what happens and when.

Interesting enough, but we never really got any insight into her motivation-maybe a clue with her permotions, but....it seemed a bit incomplete to me. At least there were consequences for her actions, and the "jerk" got a bit back.

If this is just Chapter 1, then let us know at the end of the chapter. If this is all, then the story sucks.

dont ever write again.

basic things like ...Oh I dunno ... reason seem to be missing from this story.

The guy the Wife is dancing with is a jerk. She cannot stand him and appears to be upset with this guy and where he put his hands.

so naturally she just HAS to dance wth him 4 more times

This story has potential if you were to flesh out the numerous themes throughout. You also should not be afraid to use dialogue, it helps to add depth to the characters and can control the flow.

While you gave us some descriptions of the couple, they were very rudimentary. We know virtually nothing of Angela except that she has a lot of friends, is lazy, and wanted more attention from her husband. Her reaction to being groped could have made for an interesting plot line.

Next time you might want to reduce the number of plot devices, avoid the cliches and develop a story with the a strong central theme.

This needs a lot of work. One minor improvement would be using quote marks when someone is speaking--oh, a be sure that we know who it is that is speaking. That, unfortunately, is a minor problem compared to some of the storyline. If the guy was unwilling to stop "lover" and wife why would he care enough after the fact to beat up the "lover?"

Perhaps he should have at least confronted the wife when she was on the stairs. Having her say something like "I am a big girl. I can do what I want" would help the story.

His response would be "There would be some consequences if you go through with it."

I liked what I read. I wanted more.

The skeleton of your story was fine. As others have said, you skipped too many details for us to follow the logic or understand the characters. You still could follow this with a sequel from her point of view--with details.

Your critics are harsh but they do have some helpful suggestions. Please reread the comments carefully and rewrite the story. Read your revision carefully with the same criticisms in mind as some of the shortcommings will still be present. Rewrite again, and again and ... When you are happy resubmit the results.

Writing is a lot of hard work but is very fulfilling. I think you have interesting ideas that want to meet the world. Keep moving forward.

Go buy a dictionary (the paper kind). Look up "homonym". Look up "punctuation". Go study.

THIS, YOUR STORY, HAS A LOT OF PROMISE. THERE ARE A FEW ERRORS IN GRAMMAR, TENSE AND STRUCTURE. CONTINUE WRITING AND SUBMITTING. LOOKING FORWARD TO YOUR NEXT, TK U MLJ LV NV

You write to fast. Great story just wish you would made it a little longer with more story line. Thanks for a good read. Looking forward to your next submission.

The aquarianpen is questionable... yet the approach to a gordion knot was not and provides the aquarian decisive response vision is a - okay. While much of our hero's problem may have been due to his lack of breadth in establishing expectations and dreams for a mutual future; We can only assume his ego tripping and desire to freeze frames with Angela's sexual exploits related to some parenting misguidance in his youth. When a writer doesn't get beyond the I for his hero's identity - it limits the growth of other characters and under appreciates the efforts of Jos. Conrad etcetera. Try a pencil with an eraser, but please keep writing.

chytown said it right. This story was almost an outline of a story.

I loved this story...great plot and a fantastic pace for such a short story. Very well written. I wish I was "smarta regarding gramma"...but in reality when I am reading, my mind might see an imperfect pronoun or a misspelling, but my mind quickly gets what the author meant, and it does not bother me one bit. So maybe my lightning fast mind is better than these idiots who cannot suffer a typo or a naughty noun. Ah my ego is restored.

I really enjoyed your story Theaquarianpen! Thank you!

With no unnecessary words. Too many words cand muddy the story

Listen to your reader's comments. The majority are right on. This is a promising first effort.

Remember to fill out your biography. Most intelligent readers will cut you some slack if English is not your native language.

Thank you for sharing and please keep writing.

The story needs to be fleshed out a bit more.

The sex scene that his wife had, would have helped bring more into the story, and some explanation of his decision on leaving the country.

It begs for a second chapter. Please work on your conversations. Like others have said, instead of 'being there' for the confrontation, I felt that I was hearing the sob story from the guy as if he was sitting next to me on the flight to Greece. The story seemed to be a paraphasing of the actual story, so that he could get back to his Rosetta Stone software.

One other thing that distanced me from the story teller, who I felt was in the seat next to me. He never told me his name, and that made me feel that I was not even valued enough to be given his name.

great start-looking forward to more!

Completed story: slut found out, slut chucked out. Only way to do it!

Ask an editor to check your spelling - keep writing.

BUT! It reads like an introductory narrative to a story. Needs to be longer and more "fleshed" out. More detail, and description would certainly help.

But it almost seemed as if it was unfinished or only part of a story.

but he needs to really humiliate the living shit out of her and absolutely ruin her life. We need a Chapter 2. His just walking away leaves her in no real pain.

I have read all of the comments. I read stories and my mind fills in the blanks. the details if you will come from the readers mind. I find many authors here are to verbose by the third or sixth chapter I can't remember all the details. I have submitted three or four stories in which I feel I wrote in too many details and they were rejected the two that were published were short and sweet. This one felt finished to me.

and i've written stories this short that I think left fewer questions unanswered. He ended a marriage based on what a man said, not evidence. Ending the marriage may have been the right thing to do, but he will never know... because he never found out. He did explain in the beginning that he was a man who acted out of emotion not logic and didn't think things through.

nice intro now post the story

Dickensian I'd say as the author seems to be the Scrooge for words. but it is a good story nonetheless. the guy knew he made a mistake marrying, thought about how best to cut his losses and acted. Also the fight was needed for some decor in the story, but really, he could have been caught by the police, then what, or worse the loser might have slipped after the second punch and inadvertently hit the good guy in the eye, he would be stuck with a nice shiner and be the laughing stock at the office.

I really enjoyed this tale. Those who have contributed negative comments should switch to stories by JPB. The rest of us prefer stories about the type of guy who knows how to dump nuclear waste. So keep up the good work !

Been there, had it done to me too and never looked back once I left. Best part is she's done to 2 other idiots too. At least I know I wasn't the only one.

Learn how to use quotation marks. Learn how to seperate people's conversations by paragraph breaks (But do NOT seperate every sentence by the same person into a seperate paragraph)

Too short, too underdeveloped.

I liked it, got rid of her, but needs to have a part 2 showing followed happiness on his part and how down in the gutter she falls.

Can't spell, Can't write, leave stupid comments.

to all the anonamouses

Do you all go to the same church and doesn't the preacher who destroyed your minds tell you not to read this stuff? I know he tells you dancing is a sin. I guess you've all chosen to join the devil. Please thump your bible in someone else s back yard. and let those of us who enjoy this stuff alone. I thought this was a great plot with a solution most are afraid to attempt but should.

YOU SUCK

sheds her love and gets shredded. TK U MLJ LV NV

Incredibly poorly written. Suspect written by a grade school drop out.

I liked your story and your reasoning behind why it reads the way it does.

The whole story line, as is, is lacking. He knows his wife is a slut yet he doesn't want to admit it because she's a good fuck. He doesn't protest when his wife dances with the guy yet he letss her play her game.

On the other hand, what woman is going to progress from, "You don't care.", to fucking a coworker just to make a point. There is no logic in the story.

I'd guess your longer stories were rejected for reasons other than length or detail. You need more details to fill out the protegonists motivations. I don't know if he was just a masochist or plain stupid.

Your reader comments miss the point and then, some of them, just like to pick at you.

He had grown to know she wasn't just lazy and two quick promotions didn't fit logic so...

...when he saw her allowing the guy to fondle her he waited, she tried to get him to step in, it was/is her place to ttempt to stop it and he knew now what he suspected and allowed it to take place for one reason - he had witnesses and he could now walk away from her.

Good short story, to the point and very imaginative.

Thanks!

too short- not enough story line- not enough information-poorly written-author needs to improve here- has possiblities but doenot make the grade a 1 star rating..

A little too quick for me. Would have like to see more development up to the party and there is still room for you to cotinue. Your character has grown some balls now lets see what he can do with them. just sayin....

has to do with water...does love count....TK U MLJ LV NV

looking forward to the sequel.

overall great, just needs a little more development. thanks

I like short concise stories--no problem reading it. Thanks. Please keep on writing.

Glad he left her--she's my woman now.

tom anon

With time your potential will grow. Good basics, needs polishing. I'm not one to beg for sequels or continuations on things, but the ending was a touch abrupt. Like I said before, just needs some polishing.

Write it up and print it out, put it away for a week or two, read it front to back as though you've never seen it before, ask yourself: "Does that really flow as a story, or is it more like a report summary?" Correct and adjust as much as you can, pray you can get hold of an editor, correct as directed, NO major new content additions! Get a recheck, re-correct if needed. NO new content at all now! Publish.

Good so far.

If you knew how to write in English.

as well as their mates. TK U MLJ LV NV

It is your friend. This is a great "could've been" but it was a little difficult to follow. There were several times I had to go back and try to figure out who was talking.

Could be a little longer with more revenge.

Anytime a man leaves his cheating skank whore wife behind is a good thing.

Not long bull shit. Works for me!

Short and Sweet.

No fuss, minimum effort. Shed the slut.

This read more like an itemized list of character actions than a story. Insert some emotion,put in more dialog,and less "I said....she said...he said. Flesh out the story some more. All-in-all tho...not bad.

A GOOD outline, mind you, but still just an outline...

Unless you INTENDED this to be a flash story, it needed more meat to really get me invested. Meaning what there was was good, what you could have included would have made it really good.

you just got a small dose of self satisfaction. TK U MLJ LV NV

not a story.

One shot returned

Hillary needs to study how to be truthful

And accept blame for her newest defeat

Has nothing to do with this story but then neither did parts of your comment

Is that a pistol or a Monica coated cigar?Pete?

One shot returned

Hillary needs to study how to be truthful

And accept blame for her newest defeat

Has nothing to do with this story but then neither did parts of your comment

Is that a pistol or a Monica coated cigar?Pete?

The aquarian pen taught junior high English -30 years!!!

Some readers might think his courses did not contain creative writing.

Myself, he submits quick to the point flash stories.

Wife warned-lover crushed and basically castrated-husband moves on though difficulties on horizon.

Nice quick joke at end-Another author's trademark closing

But the ending was very abrupt and not satisfying at all to me. Okay, he beat the cowboy shit out of the guy who screwed his wife. But what did he do for the wife? He just walked away. Not good enough for me. Two stars.

Good little flash story. Enjoyed what he did to the asshole.

Gave it 4 stars but immediately thought should have been 3

Liked but where are wife's punish

Saw where others basically said same

Overall little above avg

Since I am password etc challenged johntwheels@aol

Thing is, if you're going to run through all the tried and tested tropes in this scenario, at least stick the landing instead of absconding to Greece in a hurry.

Just when the story starts to get interesting...it just ends....

It was a sprint from start to finish.

Fun story, but it would probably be more compelling if the dialog was real dialog instead of snippet statements relating the dialog.

Horribly jammed together, had to wonder where thought and dialogue started and stopped.

Gave me a headache, and the ridiculousness of the BBQ/party where the wife just goes off to fuck while hubby is around, is so old, worn out, and a laughably plot point. It may have happened here or there, but in such low numbers statistically it doesnt happen.

Yes anons, we know, youve had it happen to you.

Again, one of your good ones. Keep it simple.

Short and sweet. Dialogue a little tricky to follow at times but an ok read. BTW, why do people such as iameasel think that having a username makes them superior to us anons? For the record, I'd like to tell the aforementioned commenter that my wife has never behaved like the wife in this story in front of me and to the best of my knowledge not behind my back either.

Is that it? Really? 3 Stars.

It's like you published the outline.