All Comments on 'Show Off'

A slower build up would be betterwith a more realistic lead up to the beginning of sex. I recommend reading Two's Company, Six is a Gangbang in Lush Stories. That shows you how it can be done and it really turned me on. Which yours didn't, unfortunately. Keep working on it and maybe join a writers' circle or similar to develop your writin.

You didn’t quite make it with this, on several counts. Above all, second person present tense is extremely difficult to make work, and this didn’t. Add to that a storyline that failed to engage the reader, and you can see why you need either a good editor to partner with, or, as your other commenter suggests, to join a group of authors.