Silence

Whoa! He likes me, like I like him. But...Beck?

I reply: Nothing in your message is going to scare me off. I know there's an age difference on paper, but that means nothing to me. And no-one other than you or Beck has touched me today. But on that note, you need to know...I've already messaged Beck saying we need to talk in the morning and now I'm telling you. I have feelings for both of you, even though Beck's gone home with another woman, which is killing me. I spent the entire night thinking of the two of you, wanting you both to touch me in one way or another. Not at the same time, but separately. My head's too fuzzy to deal with this properly right now though, so I should stop typing, but just to be clear, I like you both, okay? And if any of that scares you off, I'll leave in the morning because I'm not coming between the two of you.

The three dots of doom are blinking for ages, and I'm pretty certain I've totally screwed this up now. But I'm not lying or hiding anything to anyone.

Finally his reply comes through: And if it doesn't scare me off?

Fuck! I have no idea how this is all going to pan out, but there's a major grin on my face.

I type: Can you come and hold me for a bit? Nothing more than that - there's a lot to sort through here and I need to speak to Beck first

There's a gentle knock on my door, leading me to type back and ask if he's been standing there the whole time. I open the door, and there he is. He nods slowly in answer. My heart lurches and I step back, waving him in.

He moves into the room and closes the door. I can hear our breaths, both of us shaky on the exhale. I reach forward for his hand and lead him to the bed, climbing in and gesturing to him to get in beside me. He does, but goes to speak. I put my finger over his lips and shake my head. I don't want his words to break our silence.

I lie down with my back to him and reach for his arm, pulling him into me. He hesitates, then scoots in behind me. I turn the light out and we spoon. I feel the safest I've felt in a long time, Gid's arms caged around me, his thumb gently rubbing over my hip, his fingers gripping into my skin, lighting me up with his touch, and whispering words I'm too tired and too drunk to hear in my ear.

Let's just postpone the shitstorm that's about to explode until tomorrow morning.

***

Annnnd that shitstorm arrives loud and clear about an hour later.

There's an insistent knocking on my door, which wakes me up. I turn and shove at Gideon's shoulder, gesturing for him to be quiet, but he calls out Beckett's name in confusion as he hears his son's voice.

Fuck!

There's a second or two of silence, and then the door flings open.

Beck is swaying there, a look of disgust sweeping over his face. "What. The. Fuck?"

I'm shaking my head, scrambling to get to my phone.

Gideon pushes up to sitting, "It's not what it looks like. We're both fully-clothed here-"

"You...how could you both? I was coming here to tell you I couldn't have sex tonight because I kept thinking of you, Kira, even if you didn't want me, and now I find you in bed with my dad?" Beckett shouts in anguish, slamming his hand against the door jamb.

"We're not doing anything other than lying down together," retorts Gideon loudly.

I quickly screen-shot my side of the conversation with Gideon and drop it into the group chat with the caption, 'No secrets'.

I nod my head to Beck's phone, but he just glares at me. "I have no charge because I spent half the night reading your messages on it. What a waste of my time, hey?" and turns on his heels.

I throw my arms up in frustration and turn towards Gideon, hoping to move in for a hug, but he's starting to inch away from me, looking through the open door. "I should...I should probably go," he says, nodding to himself as he puts more space between us.

There's my answer, I suppose, about whether he was scared off or not. As nice as the pretence felt, the reality is too much for him.

He stumbles over his words, uttering an apology as he backs out of the bed.

I sit there, coolly, watching him go, refusing to throw him a lifeline. I'm not gonna beg. I've laid my cards out with both men, and if this is too much, if my wants are too much, if I'm too much, well, I'll take my silence elsewhere.

The door closes as Gideon walks away from me yet again.

I slam my head down angrily onto the pillow and pull the duvet up over my head.

Fucking stupid men!

***

Tap, tap, tap.

Not more than ten minutes and one of the twats is back at my door. I'll give them this; they're as good at eventually coming back as they are at walking away.

"Kira?" It's Beckett.

I type to him: What?

"Can I come in?"

The blue ticks appear as he reads my reply saying yes and opens the door, stepping into the room. He waves his phone, "What the fuck am I supposed to do with this? I plug my phone in to charge, finally get enough juice to turn it back on, and I suddenly see your message from the club and the conversation with my dad."

I shrug and type: I like you both. Haven't thought about what we do with that, beyond letting you both know. If you'd stuck around me at the club, I would have told you first. But you didn't.

He exhales, "No. I thought you were telling me 'no' so I went home with some woman and then had to leave us both high and dry because she wasn't you-"

Poor baby, I type, then stare at him witheringly.

"-I've been obsessed with you since we met in the café. You must know that. I can't get the thought of you out my head and it fucking hurt when I thought you were pushing me away tonight. To find out you weren't...It blows my mind." He screws his face up at me, pushing the dark blond strand of hair that's flopped onto his face out of the way. It needs a cut. "But my dad? Did you kiss him before you kicked him out of your bed?"

I frown then type: I hope you're not judging me there. I just asked for and wanted a hug, nothing more, and for the record, he left me. As did you.

He huffs a self-deprecating laugh at that. "Sorry, us Addisons are crap at this shite."

What, feelings and talking about them? In a mature, adult manner? I message.

"Yeah, pretty much."

There's an awkward silence.

I type, Go to bed, Beck. We'll talk in the morning and work out what the hell's going on.

I yawn and throw my phone to the side, lying back down. He's dismissed. The conversation's over.

***

The kitchen's empty when I venture down to get a cup of coffee the next morning, but Gideon appears in the doorway once he hears me moving around.

"I'm sorry-" he begins to say, but I shake my head and message Beck to join us.

Finally our triad is all seated, with drinks and phones in hand.

I launch straight-in: I've already told you both, I like you. G, you were okay with that last night, but then when B appeared, you walked away. You left me. You hurt me once yesterday and you apologised for that, but then you went ahead and immediately hurt me again. I know this is a lot to deal with, but I won't stand for it a third time and I expect an apology.

Gideon nods sadly, his head down.

I continue: I don't know how this works, or even if this can work. So I'm going to leave it to you two to decide. I'd like to have relationships, separately, with both of you. Can you handle that? What do you want, what don't you want? Talk to each other, then tell me what you can offer me, and I'll consider if it fits what my version of wanting you looks like in my head. Message me when you've talked.

I go to stand up, but Gideon's hand shoots out and he grabs me tight, pulling me back down onto my seat, his fingers circling my wrist and not letting go. My skin heats at the contact. I need this. I need him. And I need Beck's energy.

"You need to know. I like you a lot and I want to explore what this might look like, but I...I don't want you sexually, Kira." My heart sinks, but at least he's being honest in his rejection.

He glances at me, then carries on. "I can't. Physically. Not for a while now. It's related to my diabetes, and emotionally, I'm still in love with Sally, Beck's mum. The thought of being intimate with any other woman just doesn't appeal. I know there's pills I could take to increase my libido, I've talked to my doctors, but the truth is, I still love Sal and I don't want sex with anyone else. It would feel like cheating on my wife."

He looks up to the ceiling and blinks tears away. "But I miss touch. I miss being hugged. Stroking skin. Not...intimate skin, but just warm, living skin. Affection. I like physically sleeping next to someone, kissing their forehead or cheek goodnight, I like putting my arms around a woman, I like holding someone close, but I don't want, and can't have, sex."

He casts a look over to Beck, who's sitting with his chin resting on his cupped hands, watching us. "I just want emotional closeness from you, without sex. I hate the thought of any other man holding you at night, but I know you'll have your own needs, and I wouldn't ask you to give up your sexual side for me, so I never thought for a moment that me and you could be. But...if there's a way we could have that, and maybe Beckett could meet your other needs, if that's okay with you both, then maybe this could work?"

I look over at Beckett and raise an eyebrow at him. I know what he wants from women, and what he says he doesn't want. There's an obvious solution staring us in the face that we're all skirting around, but will he go for it?

Beck reaches out to take hold of my hand, "You know I need the release of sex to clear my head, but I want more than that with you, which scares me. I want a relationship with you, Kira. To go out like we did last night, to sit around this table like this, as a family, to know you're there for me like I'd like to be there for you. But...I'm selfish; most of the time I want to be alone, particularly after sex, and sometimes everyone in the entire world annoys me, so if I know there's someone there for you, Kira, I wouldn't have to worry I was letting you down when I need time alone. I know it's weird, but me, you and Dad, we want different things from each other. If we can separate those needs out, maybe there's a way this can work where you do all the cuddles and emotional side of it, Dad, the stuff I do less well, and me and Kira can do the other areas that a typical relationship fulfils, with a bit of neutral ground for family meal times and evenings together, that sort of thing?" He checks himself, "But only if Kira agrees."

I turn to Gideon and type: And you'd be okay with that? A situation where me and Beck go off to have sex, then me showering and coming to you to fall asleep together while Beck has his time alone or works?

Gid's thumb drags up and down my wrist. "Yes. I think. I'd like to try, at least."

I type: Maybe we can have a one month trial. Like with the job.

I grin at my boys. And they grin back.

"Toast?" asks Beckett, rising to his feet and kissing my head as he passes me.

I nod, and Gid takes my coffee cup to refill it, bringing it back to me and taking hold of my hand.

I like the sound of this new normal.

The sound of our silence.

***

Epilogue - Kira

Six days and a lot of alcohol later, Beck and I are stumbling onto the dancefloor of some club that we're in, holding hands, bumping into one another and rebounding into total strangers, appeasing them with an apologetic grin.

We crash to a stop in the centre of the crowd, pulling in close to one another. I can feel his heat radiating into my body, his hands on my hips, my palms flat against his chest; his heart beating out a thump in time with the bass that's vibrating through us.

I can't tear my eyes away from his, other than to dip down to look at his lips. I want to tell him to kiss me, and I try. I really try. But the words just circle in my head and the frustration builds as I can't get them out.

Beck grabs hold of my hands to calm me down and shouts in my ear, 'It's okay."

I snatch a hand away and point to my lips, my eyebrows raised in challenge.

He grins and inclines his head in acceptance, his lips brushing against mine.

The pent-up lust of our all-night flirting surges through me and I open my mouth to deepen the kiss, grinding my hips against his groin. His hand grips the back of my neck, pulling me in, and his groan vibrates against my tongue. We stay joined together for what feels like ages, swaying with the music and the movement of the crowd beside us.

He steps away from me, his eyes assessing me hungrily, looking up and down my body and I feel my nipples harden under his gaze, wanting his lips on them, his hands on my skin, and his cock thrusting into me. I know I'm soaking wet with need for him.

I pour as much of that as I can into my gaze, fisting his shirt across his chest and tugging at him as I nod my consent. He turns, almost angrily, and grabs my hand, marching us off the dancefloor, heading for the dark recesses at the back of the club. The bouncers are always patrolling around here, looking out for drug deals and vulnerable punters, but Beck has me pushed up against the back wall, his hard body shielding me and his hand up the front of my dress and in my knickers before I know it.

"Fucking hell," he exclaims in my ear when he discovers how wet I am. "Your greedy little pussy's crying for me it fill it, Kira. Just like this." He thrusts two fingers up inside me and I gasp at the intrusion, breathing heavily. "Ride me, Kira," he orders.

With his thumb on my clit and two fingers crooked inside me, I do as I'm told and ride his hand, the two of us working in unison to get me off as I grind against him.

"Come on, baby. Let me hear you speak," he begs. "Come on, Kira, good girl, that's it. Oh you're so fucking wet, I can't wait to get you home and get a good look at my cock driving inside this beautiful pussy."

With his encouragement and my need for release, I let go and come, hard and fast, pleasure bursting out across my body, collapsing against him as he withdraws his hand and holds me tight.

"Beck," I croak as loud as I can into his ear, causing him to shout out at hearing my voice. "Take me home. Do it again and I'll tell you how much I need that cock in me."

His erection pulses into my leg, showing me how much he wants that and I'm so happy right now that it takes a moment to realise the wetness on our joined cheeks is from him as well as me.

"Thank you, I can't tell you how much it means to hear you say my name," Beck says; his arms clutched so tightly around me, I can't move to wipe our happy tears away.

"Come on now, move along," a bouncer's voice invades our not-so-private space and we pull apart, laughing shakily as we make sure we're decent.

My voice is going already and when Beck shows me his screen, I nod and lean forwards to press the 'Request Driver' button. "Thank you," I whisper.

We spend the entire ride home kissing, god knows what the driver thinks, but I'm sure he's seen it all.

We race up to Beck's bedroom. I've come up here a few nights now, but we've needed the night out and the alcohol to make us take this next step. He stands behind me, kissing my shoulder as he unzips my dress and it falls down, pooling at my feet against the navy blue carpet. My hands are behind me, stroking his erection through his jeans, and he unhooks my bra, sliding the straps off and palming my breasts, thumbing my nipples.

He squeezes hard and I come up onto my tiptoes, cupping his balls in retaliation and squeezing not-quite-as-hard. He chuckles and walks me forwards to his bed, pushing me down onto the grey and navy duvet.

I shuffle onto the bed, stretching out face-down and he lifts my body into the position he wants, pulling my knickers down and off me. His tongue penetrates between my legs as his hands push my knees wide open and I squirm in response, but a hand landing on the small of my back pins me into place.

He begins eating me out, lapping up all of my juices he'd elicited from my body at the club, and as soon as he starts moving his thumb on my clit, the deep ache builds inside me. I know I'm about to come and I want to shout it out but I can just move my body, hoping to signal I'm there.

He understands. He can read me already, pulling his head back slightly but leaving his thumb working me, "You're going to come, aren't you?"

I nod and I hear a "Good girl, you're so fucking sexy," before I feel his tongue push inside me and his thumb increase its pressure.

I let go and come, shouting louder this time, biting down on his duvet and feeling the weight of his body come up and settle next to me. I turn and throw myself into his arms, "Thank you, Beck," I sob, hooking my right leg over his left hip to pull his groin into my slick entrance. "Please, I need you."

I unzip his jeans, tugging at the material and he turns onto his back to shuffle out of them and boxers. I grab at his cock and try to guide him back to me; his cock jumping at the sudden contact. He pulls a condom out of his wallet and rolls it on, then turns towards me and finally impales me with one thrust.

We sigh together. "I need this so badly, Beckett," I whisper, the sound already starting to go.

"I know, but now that we know what we're doing here, we can do this whenever you need to. I'll make you come and you can tell me whatever you need to say. It'll be fine, Kira, I promise." He brushes the hair of my eyes and begins to thrust, slow and deliberate to begin with as we maintain eye contact.

That gets too intense as he speeds up and I move my head to nestle into his neck, gently biting and sucking at the skin. We move as one as he rams in and out of me, chasing his own release until it pours out of him.

He checks I'm okay, kisses me and rubs my back as he pulls out of me and comes down, but after that I can sense the withdrawal and he's finding it hard to look at me. I knew this was coming and it's okay, I have the arms of safe, solid Gideon waiting for me.

Beck gestures to the condom, "I'd better go and deal with this..."

I kiss him briefly and nod at him with a smile, getting off the bed and gathering my clothes up. I wave farewell as I leave and head to my room where I shower and put fresh sleepwear on.

I message Gideon, not sure if I should check first. "Are you awake? Can I come to you?"

The reply is immediate, "Yes"

I walk over, the tiredness taking over my body now, and tap on his bedroom door gently then opening it.

He's propped up on an elbow in bed, a single lamp giving some light to the room, and he throws back the duvet, tapping the mattress in front of him.

I climb in and settle down as Gid spoons behind me and pulls the duvet over my body. I yawn and nod as he asks if I've had a good night, kissing my shoulder. I'm not sure what he's asking; did I enjoy the meal out, the club we went to, or the fucking his son just gave me, but it's a yes to it all, so it doesn't really matter.

He turns the light out and we cuddle up. His groin is carefully kept away from me, but he strokes my arm to warm me up and the motion lulls me into a deep sleep as a happy silence falls across the house.