Skin in the Game Pt. 01

But what if she imagined a miraculous one hundred eighty degree turn around: Roy reaching out to her in their bed? The thought made her roll her eyes there in the shower. She couldn't imagine being interested.

Is that because I'm not interested in Roy, or because Jason just fucked me beyond being interested until I've recovered? She imagined herself sneaking back into Jason's room, and saying, "I've changed my mind," and sliding under the covers with her still naked son. "Cover me, Jason. Fill me again." The responding tingle in her crotch was unmistakable. If Jay were to sneak into the bathroom, and step under the water with her right now, she'd point her back to him; ready, willing and able! It might kill her to try going again, but she'd be tempted to try.

So, no, I'm not just too worn out from that marathon to feel sexual desire. Roy just doesn't inspire any in me.

Her muscles were already relaxing under the hot stream.

Her thoughts continued. It wasn't only that Roy couldn't hope to compare with Jason's performance. Leanne knew of few men who could. It wasn't just that she and Jason matched physically in a way that Roy didn't. (Thinking of trying to have sex with her husband brought up the image of a red-haired Barbie doll mashed up against a Bob the Builder toy. She was no Barbie -- she had a real hip-to-waist ratio, smaller non-plastic breasts, and a real woman's ass -- but the comparison was basically apt.)

It wasn't exactly a problem with her anger at Roy's slow abandonment, either. She could get past that if her husband were to recognize, apologize and try to make amends.

It was an issue of context. At best Roy might try to improve things in order to hold the family ship together; to protect the life that kept him comfortable and free of any real struggle...or any real living.

Jay was interested in Leanne. He was interested in her needs. He was interested in her desire. He was interested in building something with her for the express purpose of having that something with her. Jason wanted to explore Leanne as he explored life. He wanted to pleasure her; not to protect an easy life (in fact, they were both risking losing one,) but to embrace living. Living with me. Not just a good partner.

She imagined climbing into her bed with Jason. When she imagined him reaching for her, she could hear his moans of appreciation and gratitude. He appreciated how hard she'd worked on her shape and health. He was grateful for all that she had done and would do for him. He was grateful that his mother, a woman double his age, was willing to let him into her bed. Her very willingness to let him lick her pussy was a thing that filled him with awe and gratitude.

Roy would expect me to be grateful that he summoned the energy to have sex. Jason can't wait to show me what he can do with me. "Hey, Mom! Look how good I can fuck you! Don't I do you well, Mom? Don't you feel good with my penis hard inside you? Aren't you proud to be mine?" I wouldn't want that for twenty years but his eagerness to impress is a far more irresistible context than any Roy could summon. And in time it will evolve. But it will evolve from the beginning of wanting to keep me happy and satisfied and proud of him. We'll both work hard to keep each other around.

So, yes, if she hadn't already been ruined for Roy, Jason had made it a decisive certainty. But am I ruined for all other men? What about other young guys or men my age?

She shuddered, even under the hot water, at the thought of trying to enter the dating game at forty. I could do it, I suppose. Things seem to be dying between me and Roy anyway. I'm not going to hunt for men behind his back. I could decide that there's no benefit to waiting until it's totally unlivable. Theoretically I could walk away from my marriage without letting Jason back in my panties and try out other men. Ugh. I don't have the motivation or energy to even try something like that.

I'm looking at...what?...clubs? Dating web sites? Dating apps? I'd have to scour through that unknown landscape alone. What would I be looking for? Not another Roy. I'd be looking for a guy of any age who could hold a candle to Jason.

Anything is possible. I could get lucky, but the smart money is a lot of kissing frogs and wasting time.

Even so, say I find someone I like. Then it will be months and years before he knows me half as well as Jason already knows me.

I'll always wonder if there is a countdown before this guy loses interest like Roy did. How can that compete with two decades of built up respect and trust and working through all sorts of problems, like I have with Jay? No matter what the problem, he and I will never stop finding ways to make it work. We've got a deeper connection than some random pair of lovers. He'll never turn his back on his loving mother.

She breathed in the soothing steam, and pressed on in her thoughts. Imagine I set ALL that aside for a second (and do I have any good reasons to set any of it aside?) Imagine spending the time and money and energy seeking some guy out of the tens of thousands (hundreds of thousands?) of men interested in a woman my age, AND I find someone I can trust EVENTUALLY...AND I spend all the time and energy building up that kind of trusting relationship...months? Years?... AND the guy works out as a loving long-term partner AND he even works out to be good in bed. Let's EVEN imagine this guy is as good for me as what I'm sure to have right now with my stud two doors down the hall.

What have I achieved in this scenario? I've spent un-guessable strength, hours and dollars hunting. I've HOPEFULLY found and built up something that HOPES to match what Jason does for me (and with me, of course.)

Why would I do all that?

To avoid committing incest with my grown adult son.

To avoid committing a sin I've already thoroughly committed and thoroughly enjoyed and am desperate to commit first chance I get tomorrow...if Jay's still interested.

"He's all I want," she mumbled into the spray. Her voice echoed and distorted to the point that she couldn't understand the words audibly, but of course she knew what she was saying. "I can't even imagine looking at another. He really has ruined me for all other men."

***

Leanne Halliday rinsed off the remaining suds, patted herself dry and exited into the dark bedroom. Her spectacular body went unnoticed by her sleeping husband. She opened her underwear drawer. At the bottom was a gag gift she'd gotten from Betty on her fortieth birthday: white lace thong panties and a matching bra. It looked like the sort of thing a twenty-something bride might wear on her wedding night; assuming she had the confidence and the body to pull it off.

It was a dark joke when Betty had given it to Leanne.

It was the obvious choice for granting Jason's request.

She slid the panties on, and they felt smooth; almost non-existent. They fit like a glove. As the tiny gusset held against her slit, the throbbing stretched feeling she'd gotten from Jason's pounding seemed to fade and pass. I could go again if I were with you, love. The bra fit well; not too snug. She reentered the bathroom and saw in the mirror that the bra was flattering; not too loose. Boy, Betty can really pick 'em.

Judging from the feel of the panties and the look of the bra, Leanne knew -- though she would never say it aloud -- that she looked like a cover girl on a lingerie catalog.

She turned off the bathroom light, and went to her side of the bed. Roy snorted, rolled away from her and snored. Of course he turns away. It started so long ago. She looked down and could just see the bleach-white panties on her tanned body. It was difficult to make out in the gloom, and it disappeared from view entirely as she snuggled in under the blanket.

Smiling as she drifted off, she thought, Jason will notice.

The end of Part 1