All Comments on 'Small Concrete Actions Ch. 04A'

There's simple too much missing from this story because of the 750 word limit. You tried to cover too many things and by doing so, told an incomplete story.

Another relatively positive story in literotica...in one day. Amazing! When you recognize your sig-other is not flying straight, bail out and pull the rip cord. Be decisive, be proactive, save yourself. -- 5☆

Way too short, chapter one for the so called 750 word challenge was only just passable, its beyond a joke that every chapter is 750 words, also pick an ending and stick with it, it's YOUR story, these stories with multiple endings are pathetic.

750 words X 4 = 3000 words which is still less than a Literotica page. Why would anyone wait for four instalments for this rather badly written pieces?

I don’t think this abbreviated format does you any favors. It’s not much more that ‘a list of things I want to cover in my story’:

Tried to make a go of it with sister

She cheated too

Met a divorcée

Reminded me of me

Introduced her around

Referred her to my counselor

We dated

We married

We had kids

The end

Would like to see more actual narration, exposition and meaningful dialogue in any future work.

Very interesting story which started well but became increasingly trite and unlikely.

I wish the author had resisted the 'masterful lover screwing all the attractive women in sight' theme. Boring, unreal and difficult for the readers to connect with.

Does anyone really believe that the arrival of their firstborn in a second marriage is the start of everlasting bliss?

Not if you've been there, that's for sure.

I think you need to write longer chapters. In 750 words you don’t have a chance to develop any of the characters. We barely met Claire and now she’s gone. Heather showed up in one paragraph and in the next they are married and have twins. Please slow down and let your characters grow.

Would love to have a follow up to know what eventually happened to the skank sisters

Wtf Claire?

Nice finish, especially bringing it full circle in the bar. 5* for this one, 4* for entire series.

As I stated in my comment on your first “chapter” of this series: “nice outline…so when do you actually write the story?”

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Lack of conversation and way too much “tell” and not enough “show”.

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Hopefully the lack of ANY change in your “style” in any of these submissions was because you chose to NOT edit any of these chapters to reflect any observations made on any of them. But—-that you DO intend to think about listening to feedback for any future writing.

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But for what is really nothing more than an interesting plot outline….

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2 **

Very good series. Wish you had time to develop characters and plot better. I understand this started as a 750 word. Continue writing. Thanks.

I saw the comments to one of your editions - about not limiting to 750 words. While that might (or might not) have merit, in my opinion, those type of comments are not worth much. You write well, you told a story. I have read 3,000 words now - saying anything other than I found it entertaining seems hypocritical. Readers have a choice of 100s of stories weekly. That they read yours is a compliment, whether they express it or not. Write the stories you want to write and weigh the comments against that. If someone thinks something else should happen, they should write that story. Well done, 4 - 5s from me.

Well done! Love the completeness of it despite its brevity!

Almost makes me want to quip that he simply hasn't caught Heather yet. This guy is really dense when it comes to discerning an honest virtuous woman. You really think a good poker player can discern what his competing card players are holding in their hands, but a person who spends hours talking, experiencing, analyzing, and living with a possible marriage partner can't tell that there is some lack of character, substance, virtue in their potential mate? No? Then don't EVER buy a used car from a dealer, nor anyone else for that matter. In fact you should avoid ALL encounters where someone might deceive you, because you are unarmed and naked in the combat of life. Good luck. And thanks for the effort.

Nice series - definitely keep writing :-)

I 'get' it, trying to limit yourself to 750 words per submission. IMHO, that usually leads to a very dry, Jack Webb-esque story ("Just the facts, ma'am.") I think you owe it to yourself (and your readers) to a) consolidate these parts into one and b) flesh things out a bit, develop the characters a bit more. I was tentative with my first submission as well, although I do not submit things in the LW category (too many lurking tolls). This is good and could become much better!

A good framework for a story, but the 750 word limit really hurt the quality. You need to flesh out the dialogue to make the scenes more meaningful.

That was so rushed a ending. Out of the blue he found the one. Now why would Claire have a fling after all she been around a lot of men and experienced. Knowing what her sister did she decides to a last fling .no logical answer for this writers story. Then the rushed closure. Terrible!

He should send pics to the Ex and her Cousin or sister to show them what they missed.

Not a story for this format.

I believe that the whole thing was a pleasure to read. Thanks very much for your initial contribution.

Good ending!

4

A few comments:

Dude said: "There's no shame in talking it over with a counselor. Myra has made a huge difference in my life." Yeah, but he doing the same thing in the same place after 5 years and is still "lonely". How helpful could that have been,

Clair situation would be karma in real life. As in that what he gets for dating in ex wife sister.

I kinda of liked the Heather angle, but would have been better if it was an out of the blue sky lightening strike as opposed to some meat market private club. Kind of hard to swallow a good looking woman joining such a club yet not data ANYONE for 9 months.

Overall 3 stars. Okay on balance, but time to move on to a new story.

Maybe he finally found the right one.

This was dry as hell. Add dialogue, emotion, and conflict. Make us care about the characters.

I like a happy ending.

I hope you realize you are no longer a first time author. You need to alter your introduction now that you've got 4published submissions. I'll echo previous comments, TOO RUSHED as 750words doesn't cut it this time. 4 stars for your effort

This whole story is better laid out and has good enough writen english, my highschool teacher mother would only sit you down for 3-4 hours.

Dynamite 750-word effort!!! You've got a good 'voice,' and your storytelling snaps! 5/5!!!

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Anon below apparently didn't read the part about both sisters having the same character flaw. And yes, 750 words requires some concession to "rushed". Makes me wonder if they read the same story!

I do understand that it's easier to write smaller sections than a 3000 word story. You have done very well with your first story. I hope you take the time and effort to create a longer story. I look forward to reading your creations a lot.

We-The-Readers get to hear the next true love say 5 brief sentences in the finale of this 3000 word tale. WTRs (at least this one) are good with our picky hero settling down with a family. But is what WTRs have been able to hear and get told about her enough to care very much? There are at least four women with which WTRs have a lot much more exposure/history … Five if we count Ex-Sweetie.

3*

Don't count the junk intro as part of your 750 words.

⭐⭐⭐ You killed you story by breaking it into pieces.

A good ending, but too much flat small pieces of a story that should have stayed in one single part and with more emotional depth. The characters acted like robots. Good intentions, but a waste in the end.

Best ending rather than the cuckold version where he reunites with his traitorous parents and reconciles with the cheating ex

A good ending for a longer story but as a stand-alone I gave it a 3.

BTW, I do like happy endings.

What happened to his relationship with his parents

Better. Keep going. The Bear loves happy endings. Love the story so far.

The BEAR

I guess we should have guessed the sisters would be the same, but damn, that was one cold-hearted cheating skank bitch! Doing that when she knew what had happened before. Glad he dodged that STD filled bullet!

All good stories One comment I might make instead of making it a sort of new story each time just make it chapter 1.2 .3 etc saves all the intro each time Good luck (jaybee186)

Excellent first time effort. Portrayed the characters ( especially the male M/C) as real with flaws etc. Close I.E. ending was smoothly moved into and the “good guy” finally won 4/5 for the whole series..

Nice series. Good ending. I preferred this option to the 4B one. But only on a personal taste basis. Both were good and you cleverly worked the differing endings so both felt logical. Very difficult to do this in the 750 word format. I look forward to reading more of your work. BardnotBard

Very nice series.

I'll give you your due, writing this as 750's is different, my comment about councillors still stands,

Well done. Much prefer this option to option 4B.

God this is boring. Again, it's only telling the reader what is happening, never showing. Haven't you ever read a book?