Speed Dating

Standing in the almost full church parking lot brought back lots of memories. I looked up at the tall stone bell towers sitting to the north and south ends of the two-century old chapel and smiled. The sounds of the bell ringing on my wedding day were clear in my head. But that was a long time ago.

I had been at this church several times, for a number of different events. Weddings. Funerals. Dances. But never had I been there for what tonight had in store for me.

St Mike's had always been what many would call a progressive church. Lots of fund raising for the community and for themselves. Yes, they did the old standards of yard sales, bake sales, and bingos, but there was always a twist. For example, the bingo prizes were never your standard cash prize. No, to get the ladies out, they would have "Purse Bingo", where the prizes were Coach, Michael Kors, and the odd Louis Vuitton purse. On those nights, it was standing room only. And although the church didn't "sell" booze of any kind, you could enjoy a glass of wine, beer or a whiskey if you "made a small donation", and the "suggested" donation amounts were clearly written on the blackboard so there was never a mistake or discrepancy about how "little" you should, "donate".

But tonight, was different. Tonight, when we stepped inside, we would be meeting many liked minded people. People in the same situation as the rest of us. People who were single and in search of a significant other. Hoping to perhaps fine love during a speed date.

*****

Let me back things up a few steps.

My best friend of far too many years to remember, Bernie, thought it was time for us to stop being 'lonely boys' until the day we die.

He hounded me for weeks until I finally gave in and agreed to go to a Speed Dating meeting, at a church no less. Bernie proudly explained there would be refreshments and opportunities to meet and potentially hook-up with single women. I tried to tell my dear friend these women weren't there to get laid, they were there to find a life partner. But, in his opinion, it was the same thing.

"I don't know why you're worried Jack. All the ladies seem to love you."

"The ones who love me are sixty years old."

"See, you gotta start looking at it my way, the positive thing about the older ones is they're already getting their pension money. It's a perfect deal. She'll be your Sugar Mama."

"You're twisted, Bern. But I still love you."

I waited for a few seconds before I asked him anymore questions about the plans for Friday evening. I wanted to know why he had gone a couple times already, and still hadn't gotten a date, or even a phone number.

"It's simple. I'm being choosey. There's so many to pick from, I'm having a hard time narrowing it down to just a few." He could see that I wasn't buying what he was selling. "Well, that and the fact I haven't met a lady I wanted to get to know any better."

There it was. We were going to a Speed Dating night, where my friend, who has always had very low standards, says he can't find a date he likes.

Well, at least it was only $10 to attend, and $7 donation per drink.

*****

"Are you sure about this?"

"Yeah, buddy. If anything, you're overdressed."

I was wearing jeans, a button-down shirt and a blazer. I felt good and hoped I looked good.

Finding the registration table just inside the door, we filled out the required info and we each stuck our HELLO MY NAME IS... sticker over our hearts. We both donated enough for a couple of beers each and waited for the announcements.

Ladies would stay put. Men would move up in numbers. The tables were placed so it would be easy to move and were far enough apart and turned at angles to give you a tiny bit of privacy. As luck would have it, I started at table number seven.

A small-framed redhead sat waiting. Other than her scowl, she had a pretty face and a lean body.

"Hi, I'm Jack."

I held out my hand, but Dina, as her name tag said, looked at it like she was about to bite it off.

"Sorry, I haven't shaken a hand since two-thousand twenty. You might remember, it was the start of this whole little Covid fiasco. It's been well over three years."

"Oh, sorry. I guess I hadn't thought about it."

"Well, Jack," she said with a certain amount of distain in her voice. "Maybe you should have. It's people like you who cause the continual spreading of germs."

"I...yeah...sorry."

I could see this wouldn't be going anywhere, so, we both sat and waited. For the next five-minutes, Dina scowled at me from over the top of what would have normally been sexy schoolteacher glasses. With a disapproving look she shook her head and checked her fingernails as we waited for the timer to ding.

And when it finally did, I moved to my right as quickly as possible and sat at table number eight.

Thus far, my night was off to a great start.

"Don't mind her. She hates men."

A pretty enough woman was seated across the table from me. She held out her hand and simply said, "Evelyn."

"Jack."

"So, I've heard. First time joining our little group, Jack?"

"Yes. Is it obvious?"

"Slightly."

"How so?"

"Let's see. Quite handsome. Very well dressed. You have a nice smell. Not too overpowering, but enough to let me know you want me to smell it. And charming...so far."

"I'm sorry...can you." I looked back to table number seven and saw the guy who had replaced me was having just about as good of luck as I had. "So, why would someone come to a speed dating thing if they hated men?"

"Well, Jack. We all need someone to love. You never can tell. Those sitting across the table from you may have been forced here by the someone they love."

"But...I."

"Dina hates men because she makes bad life choices. She's not here to find a man. If you can't love yourself, it's hard to love someone else. But, she has other reasons to be here. You were the first to sit at her table tonight, so you won the privilege of receiving the worst of her wrath. Believe me, she'll be a different girl by the end of the evening."

"But...I."

"You what? Dina knows nothing would ever come from making a real date with you. You're probably more than ten years younger than her. You're a good-looking guy, and by the way you're dressed, you're not on welfare."

"No, but I just..."

"Look Jack, we're almost four minutes into our speed date and all we've talked about is you and Dina."

"I'm so sorry. Let me...I mean, what brings you here?"

Evelyn smiled and shook her head. She reached over and cupped my left hand between her incredibly soft hands and squeezed.

"I'm afraid it's too little, too late. And believe me, I wish we could have spent more time talking about us. Small word of advice to you Jack. Be yourself. Honesty and warmth sell. Pair those things with your other attributes and you will go places around here."

The buzzer sounded for a second time and all the guys once again stood.

"Evelyn, can I at least get your..."

Before I stepped to my right, Evelyn had turned away and dismissed me. She was now focusing on her next suitor. But for some reason, my eyes still stared at her. She was older, yet still very attractive to me. Well dressed. Ample bosom. Tanned skin. Hair with way too many highlights. Still...there was something about her. Something that made me feel like I was missing out on a golden opportunity.

*****

For four more stops I shared answers and asked questions with complete strangers. Some I knew immediately would never be a match for me or I for them, but for five minutes, we talked like there might be a remote chance.

The eighth seat I sat in had potential, but her name alone set me off. Anne was my ex-wife's name, and it brought back too many memories as we had parted on bad terms and were less than friends.

Anne and I had married after college. We had a good life. Doing all the things young couples did and it appeared as though we would one day ride off into the sunset as an old, retired couple, but things changed.

After the birth of our only child, Anne began to get migraines. Her headaches set off long bouts of depression and those bouts turned into fits of rages and long periods of anger. She was not a fun person to be around.

We sought out medical help and advice from the professionals. MRI's and CAT scans showed nothing. One doctor diagnosed her with post-partum syndrome. Others had different opinions, but they all agreed Anne needed to be medicated. An anti-depressant was prescribed, but after a few months, it was never again taken. And a year after she stopped taking all her meds, Anne moved out of our lives'. She had no problem leaving her husband of six years and four-year-old son behind. I didn't hate her for her illness. As selfish as it was, I hated her for what we had potentially lost.

"Hi Anne. I'm Jack, nice to meet you."

She smiled at me and shook my hand gently. She was an attractive woman. Probably in the same age group as I was. Say thirty to thirty-five. Anne wasn't wearing a ring, but she still fidgeted with the finger where one used to reside.

"How long have you been divorced Jack?"

"It's been a while. You?"

"Three months."

Her nervous answer surprised me. Three months seemed like a short amount of time to wait before jumping right back into the dating pool.

"Kids?"

"A son. Yourself?"

"Two." But she never elaborated or told me if they were boys or girls.

Anne hit me with a series of rapid-fire questions, and she became the first girl of the evening who I thought needed help. So far, including Dina, hers was the first name I would cross off my list of potential dates.

"Did you cheat on her?"

In my mind, it was an odd question for a Speed Dating group.

"These are very aggressive questions Anne. Normally I wouldn't discuss my life with someone I've only known for three and a half minutes, but I suppose tonight isn't what we would call normal. Is it? So, to answer your question, no. Not once."

"Then why did you leave her."

"I didn't leave her. She left me."

"Well, she must have had a reason."

The buzzer sounded to end the first segment of speed dating. There would be a short ten-minute intermission to have a smoke or get another drink. I wasn't in a rush to move to the next seat, so I answered Anne's question.

"Oh, she had a reason. The reason it didn't work out for us is simple. I married a nymphomaniac. And after five years of marriage, the nympho was gone, and I was stuck with the maniac."

I watched Anne cross, more like scratch, my name off her list. It didn't offend me one bit, but I did turn my head. The lady I would be speaking with next had chuckled out loud when she heard what I had told Anne, about Anne.

*****

I thought about leaving. Instead, I purchased another beer and a glass of white wine.

Table number fifteen was to be my next stop.

The lady sitting at the table was by far the best looking of the night thus far. She wore her longer brunette hair in a lazy ponytail. She had on very little, if any make-up. And she was dressed in jeans, a button-down blouse with a loose knit sweater over top. She looked very good. And I also knew her.

"Hi Michelle. It's been a long time."

"It sure has. How are you, Jack?"

"I've been better. Bernie has me here. He thinks I need to get back into the dating pool."

"And you think you don't?"

"Honestly, hadn't given it much thought."

"How long has it been since your divorce, Jack?"

"Divorce was six months ago. Separated a little over two-years now. You?"

"About the same."

"How are the girls?"

"Good. Getting more grown up every day. I bet Ben is growing like a weed."

She paused and looked at me for a few seconds. Almost as if she were trying to read me.

"Do you see him much."

"I don't."

Michelle's ex, Chad, and I used to hang out in the same group of friends. We played hockey together for years. We had an annual trip to a NASCAR race. The same group of us would always seem to go. So, we knew each other well enough. And over the years, we started doing a once-a-year BBQ with all the wives.

"Why not."

"Not much time for hockey lately. And it takes too long to recover after those damned NASCAR weekends."

She smiled, but it was a sad smile. She knew very well how much her ex-husband drank while he was away, and of his extracurricular activities.

"Anne?" Michelle asked.

"Not since the last day in court. You?"

"Christmas, when he picked up the girls. It was his year to have them."

There were a few seconds of silence, but every second was precious when you had a five-minute time limit.

"How often do you come to these things?"

"I been here a few times with Kelly. You?"

"First ever. Are you getting many dates?"

"A few offers, but mostly from guys who know Chad. So, what have you been doing for fun? I mean now with you being a single father, with no hockey or racing parties to attend."

"Lots of quiet nights alone."

"I doubt it, Jack."

"Why? I was never a big partier. Anne hasn't seen Ben in over two-years, so I get very little time away from life."

"I didn't mean..."

The buzzer sounded again. I stood, but Michelle grabbed my hand.

"Stay for another session."

"What about him?"

The next guy was staring at Michelle, waiting for his turn. It was a turn he didn't want to miss out on.

"I'm very sorry sir, but could you please bypass me," she asked and flashed her killer smile.

He didn't seem very happy to do so, but the gentleman to my left was now on my right.

Michelle took a sip from her wine glass and smiled at me.

"Thank you for the drink. How did you know?"

"I saw your glass was almost empty. I was getting one for myself and took a chance you might want another. Honestly, when I got it, I didn't know it was you sitting here."

"So, you're the kinda guy who randomly buys strange women drinks in a bar."

"Or in this case, a church. But yes, evidently, I am."

"Either way, thanks again. It helps ease the tension."

"My pleasure."

Michelle held her glass up and I touched the side of my plastic glass to hers. I couldn't help but be mesmerized by her perfect lips and teeth as she smiled at me.

"Why do you come here? You're a beautiful woman. Guys must be hitting on you all the time. I mean, you can't tell me you don't get asked out a bunch of times a week."

"I used to. Guys would call me up, out of the blue. Late at night. Strange guys, I didn't know. They'd be drunk and saying crude things to me. I asked how or where they got my number and finally one of them told me Chad was giving it out to anyone who wanted it. Yeah, he apparently gave it to all his friends. Wanted one of them to marry me so he could stop paying alimony and child support. You didn't get it?"

"Chad and I were never friends. Acquaintances, but never friends."

"Unfortunate. Maybe if you had called, I would have gone out with you."

"I doubt it."

"Why so?"

"Seems like having any type of Chad connection would be a huge neon lit stop sign."

"Well, Jack. You're not wrong."

I stayed put for two more rounds of speed dating. Michelle and I caught up on all the gossip we could over the next ten minutes, but finally someone complained, and my time was up, and I had to move on. It wasn't until I was with my last date of the evening when I realized I hadn't even asked her if she was interested in exchanging numbers.

*****

"Buddy, did you see her?"

"Who?"

I assumed Bernie meant Michelle, but I was downplaying it.

"Kelly. I mean, holy shit. Tonight, was perfect. She looks great. Better than she did in high school, and she gave me her number. Told me she'll give me a call tomorrow."

"No, I didn't see her. Michelle told me she was there, but I didn't get to where she was sitting."

"How so? I saw everyone. Including Michelle."

"I'm not sure. But I'm sure I didn't see Kelly."

"Lucky for me. It gives me a better chance of scoring."

"Classy Bern."

"You know what I mean."

I could feel him staring at me as I drove. He was playing on his phone and looking at me.

"What?"

"Michelle?"

"What about Michelle?"

"Kelly just texted me and said you sat four rounds with Michelle."

"So? We were just catching up."

"It's against the rules man. I know she's wicked hot and stuff, but I don't know. There's something about her. She's...she's hotter than hell, but there's something...she's..."

"She's what?"

"For starters, she broke up with Chad. Come on man, Chad's a good guy."

"They broke up because he fucked around on her and got caught. She didn't need to tell us about it, because we already knew. Remember?"

"Yeah, but he's still a pretty cool guy."

"Maybe for us. But imagine if you were her. Home with two kids, and he's out getting liquored up and fucking around on you. How would you like it?"

"I might try to work through it. Like I said, he's a lot of fun to be around."

"Fuck Bern. You're such a...don't worry. I didn't even get her number."

"Apparently you don't need to. Kelly gave it to her, because Michelle asked her for it."

"Kelly doesn't have my number."

Bernie tapped his phone on the side of my head. As if to remind me who he was texting.

"Shit Jack. Sometimes you're pretty dense."

"I'm dense? You don't see me giving out your number without asking you first."

"Any time a woman as hot as Michelle asks for my number, you have my permission. Hell, even if they're only half as good looking."

*****

Declining an offer for a beer at Bernie's house when I dropped him off, I headed home.

I was less the five minutes away when my phone rang. "UNKNOWN" flashed on the top of the screen. It was enough to make me smile. I knew at Michelle's request Bernie had sent my number to Kelly. And only minutes later, she was calling me.

"Hey, I glad you called," I said without saying hello.

"I'm glad, you're glad, but why did you think I might call you? I'm fairly certain I didn't give you any inclination I would?"

I pulled my Jeep to the curb and put the phone closer to my ear. I couldn't place the voice, but I knew it wasn't Michelle.

"I'm sorry. In that case, you might have the wrong number."

"Is this Jack?"

"Yes."

"Then I have the correct number."

A brief laugh came from my phone. The woman's voice had shocked me and now I was trying to piece together who had called me.

"I'm very sorry but I..."

"Oh, how very quickly they forget. Put them in a room filled with lovely women and one moment you're at the top of the heap, the next, you're tossed aside like yesterday's L.A. Times. It makes me feel..."

"Evelyn?"

"Yes, it makes me feel like Evelyn. I'm glad I made an impression Jack. How was the rest of your evening?"

"Slow. A few more Dina's who hated me immediately. But other than those few, not bad."

"Coming back next week?"

"Perhaps."

"Perhaps. Look at you. Being all coy. I like when men play hard to get. It's sexy. So, Sexy Jack, when was the last time you went out on a date? Not for coffee, but a real, 'hope I get laid tonight' date?"

"Too many years ago to remember."

There was a long pause in our conversation. No noise whatsoever.

"Evelyn?"

"Still here."

"Oh, I thought maybe..."

"There's the thing. Believe it or not, you were the hot topic of conversation tonight. We all know you only have one, maybe two meetings left before we never see you again. You'll either get scooped up or get bored with us. Whichever is the case, we won't see much more of you. So, time is of the essence, so to speak." She paused again, before continuing. "What are you doing at this very moment?"

"Currently, I'm pulled to the curb, speaking with you."

"Where? Where are you?"

"I'm not far from the University."

"Good, you're not far. I'm in Richmond Grove. Come over. Come to me and have a drink. Give me back my five minutes. The ones Dina stole from me."