Studying Hard Ch. 02

"I'm sorry Peter," she said, without letting go.

"For what?"

"For being so secretive. I thought it was going to make things easier, but it ended up making things more complicated."

Peter didn't reply to this, but instead thought about the past week's events and the stress and anxiety he had been feeling. When his aunt let him go and looked worriedly at him, his lips began to tremble. A tear streaked down his face.

"Oh my god, what did I do?" she cried as she hugged him once more, although briefly. She then led him into the nearby living room, seating him on the couch and sitting next to him. She wiped the tear from his cheek with the sleeve of her sweater.

"I'm fine, I'm fine," said Peter, gently pushing her arm away from his face. "All of the stress and anxiety I've been feeling this week has been bottling up, and once you hugged me it was sort of forced out. I think I'm ready to talk."

"I could tell something was going on, and I sort of pieced together using what I knew about the situation."

"And what is the situation, from your perspective?"

Julia sighed. She stared out the window for a moment.

"I've been trying to... get you and your mother to become intimate with each other."

Peter stared at her as she looked back at him. Her eyes were guilty and becoming watery. Of all the wonderings he had after reading those text messages, this was the one that he least expected to be true. Yet, it made the most sense to him in terms of what he had discovered already.

"Why?"

"It's been obvious to me for years that you two share a love for each other beyond that which a mother and son typically share. I see it in the way you look at her, the way you talk to her, the way you talk about her. I see it in the way you treat her every day. And she is the same. But neither of you two have admitted that love. Why do you think she hasn't gone on many dates since your father died? She only cares for you."

"How is that possible?"

"That's just how it is. And it's okay."

Julia wiped her own tears and Peter brought her in for a hug. Then she started sobbing. Peter held her close, contemplating his life in silence. It didn't take long for Julia to calm down.

"I'm not mad at you," he said.

"I know you're not mad," she said as she withdrew from his hug. "But I figured you were upset with me."

"Why would you think that?"

"Because I kept secrets from you."

"Only because you thought it was best. I understand how this was something you thought you would be unable to straight up say. And I'm not upset. Only confused."

Julia took a deep breath to recover from her weeping. She rearranged her composure on the couch so that she was facing him directly.

"I will explain everything. I should have already done so."

"I just want everything out in the open."

"Of course. But, what time is it?"

"Three o'clock."



"Then I'll probably have enough time to explain before you meet with Ashley."

"I can always call it off."

"Please don't."

"Okay."

They two sat in silence for a moment while Julia collected her thoughts. Peter watched her with a new sense of wonder; he wondered if he could have continued to love anyone else as he did her in this situation. He supposed, even without hearing her explanation, that love was just something beyond his control that he had to accept, and that he continued to love his aunt because that was how it was supposed to be.

"Let me start with my conversation with your mother from last Friday," Julia began...

***

After you had left the house, I went shopping with your mother for a couple of hours. Nothing relevant occurred during this time, other than that I took notice in everything she was saying about you.

"Peter would look so great in these jeans."

"Do you think this shirt would fit Peter? He has a lot of muscles; I don't know what fits him anymore."

"Look at those shoes! They're themed after Peter's favorite movie series! He would love those."

"Do you think Peter is having a good time with Ashley? I hope he finds the right girl. I couldn't bear if he ended with someone who isn't perfect for him."

I don't know if I was reading into what she was saying more than usual because of my own intimacy with you, or I simply wanted to hear it differently. Regardless, I had been hearing her talk about you that way for years. It was different than when you were a child. Once you were mature and tall and grown, I think she started to take a different interest in you. I don't even know if she had realized it. But now that I knew if you had been willing to fuck me, I knew that there were even more possibilities within the family.

After shopping, we returned back to your house and organized what we had bought. It didn't take long, as we hadn't bought much, and when we were done your mother asked if I was going to head home.

"Actually, I'd better not. Mind if I stay for dinner?"

"Sure, sis. Why don't you want to go home?"

"Well, I was hoping we could have a conversation about something rather serious."

"You want to have a serious conversation? It took forty-two years, but you've finally done it!"

"Hey! There's just been something on my mind I want to talk about. But let's eat first."

While your mom cooked up some pasta, I thought about how I could approach the conversation. I went back and forth between a few ideas, but I eventually decided to start with a reminder of her old sex life.

After dinner, we sat down in the living room on the couch together, much like you and me now. I poured a glass of wine for her and I, and we drank a few glasses while talking casually before I finally made my move.

"Hey Beth," I said, "Do you remember that one time during my sophomore year when you came to my room wondering about sex?"

"You bet I do," she said. "I had recently had sex with some guy... I think his name was Kevin? And he had been so quick with me," she laughed, "that I wondered if it was possible for a guy to make me cum after he had already done so!"

I laughed too, at the memory. "Remember what happened next?"

"How could I not? We got to talking and your roommate was gone and we ended up experimenting."

"I like that you call it that. But it also deserves to be called better."

"That's what it was! We were experimenting with ourselves and each other to see what could make us orgasm!"

"I think at the time it was all fun and games, in that sense," I said. "But you know what I want to call it now?"

"What's that?" she asked, amused.

"I want to call it love. You know I've always loved you and I know you have always loved me. And on that evening we found that our love could be expressed in a way that almost everyone would find taboo. But for us, it was about pleasing each other and making each other happy."

Your mom looked at me for a moment before starting to giggle. "Yes, I suppose it was love," she said. "I do love you, very much."

"And we did it so many more times after that. You know, I kind of miss those days. Do you?"

"Sometimes. I guess as we've gotten older, other things have taken priority. Especially since Brian passed away."

I put my hand on her knee. I knew she had come to terms with your dad's death some time ago, but it was always nice for her to know that she had comfort in me. She smiled at me.

"Why do you bring this up?" she asked. "Are you trying to seduce me?"

"Not quite," I replied. She leaned back into the couch cushions and took a sip of wine.

"So, what's your game?" she asked.

"Do you think you could ever love someone again, like you did Brian?"

"I'm not sure. I've always believed that love comes and goes when it's supposed to, and it's still in my family. For Peter."

I smiled when she mentioned your name. I took a sip of wine myself before continuing.

"Suppose love comes along and you don't realize it's there? If someone helped you realize it, helped you understand it, would you go for it?"

"I suppose so. Why?"

"Do you think Peter could fall in love with Ashley?"

"It's their first date!" she laughed. "Why would you say that?"


"I guess I'm just wondering. He seemed pretty crazy about her."

"Well, love at a young age is certainly quick and easy."

"You and I both found our lovers at a young age."

"That's true. Go on, get to your point."

"What do you think your son is up to right now?"

"I haven't thought about it. I suppose they've finished dinner and are out at a party."

"They're at my house," I said bluntly. "They're going to have sex in my bed."

'What?" Her face lit up with surprise, but not with disgust. "Why would you tell me that?"

"That's why I can't go home tonight, and part of why I wanted to have a conversation with you."

"About Peter's love interest?"

"His, yours, mine."

"Okay, now I'm lost."

"Peter is a very loving person, as you are aware. He loves you and I very much. I can see it embedded in his behavior on a daily basis. But you know that already, don't you?"

"Of course."

"And you love Peter just the same, don't you?"

"Without a doubt."

"And you love me?"

"Yes, we just talked about that," she reminded me, her smile back on her face.

"I know you do. You showed me many years ago that you love me. Have you ever thought," I paused here, for dramatic effect, "about loving Peter like you have loved me?"

"What do you- Oh!" she quickly and profusely blushed, and at that point I knew my assumptions had been verified. Your mother loved you, and I mean really loved you. And she had just realized, as I had, that her love had been with her all these years, and she hadn't even noticed.

"Peter, I'm sure you know, has developed into a handsome young man," I continued, "And now he has found this girl named Ashley and is probably having sex with her right now in my bedroom. Does that bother you at all? That your son is having sex?"

"Why should it?"

"Because you don't want to lose him. If he finds a girl to spend his life with, he won't be around for you as nearly much as he has since the day Brian died."

"I always figured he would find someone eventually."

"As did I. But you and I both know that deep down, you wanted him to find you."

She stared at me for a while. For once, I had trouble reading her expression. She was trying to hide her feelings for you from me.

"That's quite an assumption," she said.

"Tell me it's false."

"It's-" she started, but didn't finish. I decided to let her take her time to speak at this point. I watched her shift uncomfortably, scratch her head, look out the window, and sigh.

"Okay, maybe you're right. I do love Peter, more than I should. Maybe I do want to spend the rest of my life with him!" She stood up. "I love him! I love my son! What mother doesn't? But I've always been a little different, haven't I? You already pointed out that I've previously shown some interest in incest, but it's different with you!"



"How so?"

"Because... it just is! Peter is my son! How could I possibly be okay with having any sort of intimate relationship with him? There could be so many consequences-"

"Not if you're careful," I interjected.

"Not to mention, it's just wrong! It's plain wrong. And there's no way he'd be okay with it. No way!"

"I'm sure he would be," I said, figuring now was as good of a time as any.

"And why do you think that?"


"Because he seems perfectly fine with having sex with me."

Your mom froze when I said that, and I used that as an opportunity to explain. I told her that it had only been happening a week, and that it was I who initiated it, who had seduced you into it. But when it actually happened, it was consensual on both sides. I made that very clear. And I explained that it all happened because of love. You love me, and I love you, as we have your whole life. But we both discovered that we could make each other happier than ever with intimacy, and we could have intimate relations without jeopardizing our standing relationship. Just like your mother and I had discovered, many years prior.

Following my explanation, your mother sat back on the couch and slowly sipped the rest of her wine. By her expression, I knew that she wasn't upset with me, nor with you. She was just thinking about it.

"You... you would never hurt Peter, right?"

"Of course not! I love him just like you do."

"Just like I do..."

"Think about it all. We had sex before he decided to go out with Ashley. I encouraged him to go with her. Why? Because he needs to find someone his age. But that doesn't mean were and I can't continue to love each other and please each other."



"I suppose that's true."

"So whatever feelings you may have had about Peter going out with Ashley, you need to leave behind. He could be really happy with her."

"Right. It's not my place to stop him from finding a woman to fall in love with."



"Correction. Another woman to fall in love with. He was already in love with me and with you."



"You think he loves me the same way he loves you? How?"

"I can see it in him just as I saw it in you. He doesn't even know it, as you didn't. But we can make him know it. And when you both know it, you can finally be together."



"You want me and Peter to be together?"



"Yes. Despite your love for him, I've watched you struggle for years both economically and intimately. Having him as a sexual partner would be exactly what you need to get back on your feet. He would support you just as you have supported him. He would care for you more than ever. Do you understand?"

"You don't think he would do all that without me sleeping with him?"

"He certainly would. But it would lack depth. You would both be caught behind a veil, wanting something more and wishing it could happen without believing that it actually could. Neither of you would be truly happy with each other until you seized your love."

Your mother thought for a moment. It was well into the evening now, and we had been talking for hours. I could tell she was going to need time.

"I'll tell you what," I said, "you take some time to figure out your feelings for Peter. I will be here to talk whenever you need me. In the meantime, I'd suggest paying close attention to how Peter treats you. You might be able to see for yourself just how much he loves you."

Your mother sighed. "Yes. I guess I'll do that."

"Good. I love you, Beth."

I pulled her into a tight hug and kissed her on the cheek. For the first time since before I mentioned we were having sex, she smiled.

"I love you too, Julia."

"I'm going to head home now. I'll sneak in and sleep in the basement. Call me if you need me."



"I will. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

"Wait," she said as I stood up. "Can you not tell Peter about any of this? I don't want him to get distracted from school. And I want this to play out on my terms."

"Sure, sis. I promise."

***

"So I drove home and snuck into my house. I didn't hear any sex noises, so I figured you two had had your go and gone to bed," Aunt Julia concluded. "And you know the rest from there."

Peter was speechless. He had listened to his aunt's story without saying anything, and now that it was over, he found his mind much more at peace. Now he understood everything. His mother really did want to become intimate with him, or at least he was pretty sure she did. She was obviously hesitant, likely for the same reasons as Peter. It suddenly seemed silly that he could have a healthy intimate relationship with his aunt and not his mother. He became confident that things would work out.

"I'm sorry, again," said Julia. "I was so sure that you would be eager to progress your love for your mom that you would be happy with the changes. I never thought it would have confused you so much."

"I do love my mom. I was just worried that wanting her was a different sort of boundary that I wasn't meant to cross. Sure, you and I crossed a boundary and you're almost the same age as her not to mention her sister, but for some reason I've felt more hesitant about my mom."

"I understand."

"But now that you've explained everything to me, I realize that my love for her should be open like the love you and I have. If we both want it, and we can probably be happier because of it."

"You will be happier! And I know she will be happier. She just can't be forced into it."

"I don't want to force her into anything."

"You won't have to. You and her are meant to be."

"And you're okay with it?"

"It would be a little hypocritical of me not to be. I told you to go fuck another girl just after we first had sex. Plus, your mom and I have had some crazy adventures ourselves."

"You'll have to tell me about it sometime," Peter said eagerly.

"I certainly will! But that will have to wait. You have another date to prepare for."

Peter checked the time. He would have to go pick up Ashley soon.

"Thanks Aunt Julia. I feel a lot better."

"You're welcome Peter. I'm really sorry again."

He leaned toward her and gave her a passionate kiss. He held it just long enough for Julia to sigh, indicating that it had worked her up. He pulled away and her lips lingered where they had met.

"Forgiven," he said.

"You know, you can be a tease sometimes too," she said. "That kiss sent tingles through my body! Well, you go pick up that date of yours while I get ready to head out."

"Would you like to meet her? I won't take long coming back, maybe you could leave just after we get here?"

"Sure! I could give her some blowjob tips before I leave."

"I appreciate it," Peter laughed, "but I don't think she needs them."

"Everyone could use some blowjob tips."

"Not you."

Julia slapped him playfully on the butt before skipping up the stairs in a state of excitement. Peter sent Ashley a text that he would pick her up in a few minutes and left the house.

When he arrived in front of the dorm, he was delighted to see Ashley walk out in a cute pink jacket and jeans. This evening, her short blonde hair was straight again. Accompanying her was Kirsten, whose long brown hair was straightened to accompany her party outfit for the evening. She seemed to be spilling out as many words as she could before they reached the car.

"Good evening ladies!!" Peter called though the rolled down window.

"Hi Peter," they said in unison. Kirsten giggled and Ashley rolled her eyes.

"Look, I'll talk to him about it, but leave it alone for now," said Ashley. Kirsten waved goodbye as Ashley got in the car, and Peter departed for his aunt's house.

"What was that about?" he asked.

"I'll tell you later," said Ashley, waving it off. "Kirsten is just being, well, Kirsten."

"I look forward to hearing about it."

"So what are our plans for tonight? I know you had a lot going on this week, so it's okay if you want to just relax."

"Yeah, I actually got caught up in a lot of stuff this afternoon, so I never managed to plan out a real date. I hope you're okay with just going back to my aunt's house again."

"Of course," she said, smiling.

When they arrived at the house, Peter warned her that his aunt was home and wanted to meet her before she left the house for them.

"Oh, I hope it isn't too awkward," she laughed. "Didn't she set us up for sex last time?"

"Yeah, she did. But really, she's cool."

They walked inside and met Julia in the kitchen. She had changed into a red blouse and black pants. She was holding a brown jacket and her keys, which she set down on the counter to greet them.

"Hi Peter!" she said enthusiastically. "And you must be Ashley! I've heard so many wonderful things about you!"

"Nice to meet you!" said Ashley shaking Julia's hand.

"You picked a pretty one, Peter!" teased Julia.

"I know," he said. Ashley blushed.

"Alright you two, I'd stay and chat more, but I have to get going. You probably don't want an old fart like me around anyway."