Ted and the New Job Ch. 02

Meanwhile, Bev and Melissa were a bit bored and frustrated. Their humiliation of Ted had become an obsession and they were now disappointed with how it was going.

It had been a delicious moment when Ted and his pals had walked in wearing those Togas, and flashing his butt to others had been fun, but as Ted got drunker and drunker, it just didn't seem to bother him as much as they'd hoped. And their planned big finale of taking him out to the main pool later and tossing him in in just his little man-thong already felt derivative and anti-climactic.

The only real positive so far was that Amanda, the CEO's wife, a former sales rep who was their age, meaning she was half the age of her husband, was loving all this. Being on her good side was always a plus.

As matter of fact, Bev noticed that Amanda was talking to Ted right now.

"I'm trying to decide if you're over dressed or under dressed," Amanda said, smiling at Ted.

"There was, um, a mix up or something." Ted said lamely.

"Oh I don't think it was a mix up," Amanda laughed, "I think it was a well thought out plan."

She fingered the hem of his toga and said, "from what I saw earlier, I think I'll have to go with under dressed." With that she flicked up the back of the toga and laughed.

"Wait a minute," she said, "is that a Barbie Band Aid?"

Ted had no answer to this, having no idea what she was talking about, having forgotten that a band aid was ever applied to his butt.

He was relieved when she walked away and thought he might get another drink.

He saw Bev and Melissa at Naomi's station and decided to wait until they were gone.

When Melissa and Bev sat back down with their drinks refreshed, two other sales reps, Frank and Ryan were deep in discussion.

"Dang man, how did you get yours to stay? Mine pulled right off."

"You gotta bunch up the material, that's the secret."

"What are you guys talking about?" Bev asked.

They both pointed to Becky, a sales rep from Nashville. She was talking to three other women and either didn't realize or didn't care that a balloon was clipped to the back of her dress and floating benignly behind her.

"So how did you do that?"

"I took one of the balloons and tied it to a small binder clip and then clipped it to the back of Becky's dress."

"And what was that about bunching fabric."

"Well," he drawled, "as Frank learned, these are helium balloons on steroids, so if you just clip them, reverse gravity pulls them right off, and here he pointed to an Atlanta Braves balloon on the ceiling, but if you bunch the material first, they hold fast."

Frank, glancing over at Becky, wondered out loud to the group, "if we added one or two more balloons, do you think we'd see her underwear?"

"I don't know," said Melissa, "but I guarantee you'd see her fist."

Bev smiled at Melissa's comment and scanned the crowd. Her gaze fell on Ted over at the bar getting another drink.

"OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD," she screamed. "Frank, where did you get those binder clips? Are there more?"

"Sure," he said, pointing to a door at the back of the ballroom. "That's a little supply room that has all of our meeting stuff. Folders, legal pads, paper clips..."

"And binder clips," she said cutting him off.

"Okay, okay, here's what I need everyone to do."

Ted was getting another drink from Naomi when he heard, someone call out "OH MY GOD."

He looked around and saw that it was Bev. She was now busy holding court with Melissa and two guys he didn't know. They were nodding and smiling as she spoke and then they all stood up and ran in different directions. He saw Bev make a beeline towards Amanda and then he lost interest and looked around for Alan. Surely they were going to pounce soon.

Bev was quite pleased with her new plan and she thought including Amanda was a shrewd move. With her husband, the CEO, already gone off to bed, Amanda was, if not literally the most senior member there, she was certainly a force to be reckoned with and Bev did not want to cross her. If she received Amanda's blessing, she knew she was free and clear to proceed.

There was maybe a 1% chance Amanda would say "no," but Bev was willing to take that chance.

Amanda howled when she heard the plan and Bev knew she had made the right call.

"So let me get this straight, you guys are gathering balloons, tying them to small binder clips and then your going to set upon Ted over there and recreate the Marylyn Monroe skirt subway vent episode."

"Yep, with all those balloons pulling his toga up it will be hilarious watching him try to keep from flashing everybody."

"Go to it girl! Oh and you might want to tip off the three photographers. I have a feeling that there are going to be some wonderful candid moments."

And Bev did just that, with new found respect for Amanda.

And then it was go time.

Ted was standing by an empty table when the group approached. It was not exactly a sneak attack. There were about ten of them and they were all yelling "TED, TED, TED, TED!"

He recognized Bev, Melissa, Anya and a few others from his team. Each person was holding three or four balloons. They enveloped him and moved as one towards the center of the room.

They kept grabbing at his toga, but as best Ted could tell they weren't trying to take it off.

It was hard to tell what they were doing. All Ted could see was laughing flushed faces and balloons dancing in and out of his vision. And the balloons were making a thumpa, thumpa, thumpa noise that added to his sensory overload.

Then he heard Bev say, "okay Ted, give us your best Marylyn Monroe impression" as everyone backed away.

It didn't go quite as planned. The clips stayed in place and the toga was indeed lifted up, but not as they had imagined. Twelve or fifteen balloons might have done the trick, making Ted work furiously to keep the toga from exposing too much, but with thirty or so balloons, the battle was lost before it even really started.

As everyone backed away, Ted's toga shot straight up and would have flown right off of his body had it not been for some of the material catching on his chin and covering his face as the balloons thumpa thumpaed straining to break free.

There was an immediate roar of laughter that Ted could only hear as he wrestled to pull the material from his face. His immediate plan was to yank the toga from his face and then use it to wrap around his mid section, but just like his co-workers, he underestimated the power of the balloons. Once he pulled the material away, the force of so many balloons pulled the toga right out of his hands and Ted watched helplessly as his outfit rocketed toward the ceiling. He was left standing there, butt totally exposed and his junk covered with a little triangle of faux leopard skin.

Well now Ted could see just fine. The first thing he saw was Bev, Melissa and the gang laughing and wide eyed at what had transpired. He saw one set of cheerleaders and then the other, both throwing their heads back with laughter and pointing at him. Then those beautiful trophy wives, some covering their mouthes, some laughing out right and some actually clapping their hands with glee. For all of them, who went to conference after conference, bored out of their minds with plastered on smiles, this was such a gift!

And those photographers from earlier. They were all on one knee with their big zoom lensed cameras pointed at Ted and clicking away.

He saw Naomi at the bar, laughing and shaking her head. He saw Mary sitting at a table with Amanda. They were both laughing so hard, Amanda pounding her hands on the table until she stood up to get a better look.

Then Ted noticed that some people were pointing at him but not quite at him, maybe a little above him. He turned his head and saw a lone balloon with the company logo wafting gently behind him. Someone, it's impossible to know who, but later many would take credit, had clipped a balloon to the back strap of his thong, making Ted look even more ridiculous, if that was possible.

While it wouldn't exactly alleviate his humiliation, Ted felt that this was at least something he could control. He reached around behind him to grab the clip, but couldn't quite reach it. He tried again and then again, taking himself in a circle much like a cat chasing it's tail.

Laughter erupted again as Ted inadvertently mooned the whole room.

Frustrated and in a bit of a panic, he decided to grab for the ribbon since he could at least reach it and tugged furiously in the hopes of pulling the balloon off. Unfortunately for Ted, the clip didn't yield, but rather sliced right through the back of the thong.

And then a few things happened all at once.

The thong slowly slipped down to Ted's ankles, as he reeled in the balloon to cover his now exposed front. To his chagrin, he takes a second to note that his panic and the ballrooms wonderful AC have conspired to make him look much much smaller that he typically is. His penis isn't so much dangling as just poking straight out.

And it is this additional humiliation that finally gives him the impetus to run away.

He turns to run, once more mooning half the crowd. With his front now covered by the balloon, he takes off. Before he can take two steps, he is tripped up by the forgotten thong around his ankles and falls forward landing hard on the balloon, causing it to make a loud popping sound.

Ted struggles to his feet and uses his hands to cover himself as he runs out of the ballroom to waves of laughter and a smattering of applause.

Before he even reaches the door, it occurs to Ted that the key to his room is in the pocket of the Toga currently floating above his head. As humiliating as this moment is, Ted knows there is more to come. He has no idea how much more.