Tell it to My Heart Ch. 02

Then Wendy's dad took a step closer to us, reached out with both arms, and pulled us both in for a soothing, fatherly hug. Carol and I reached out to hug him back. We were all squeezing each other tightly. He was sniffing, holding back his own tears. We all just stood there for several minutes, hugging. A warm reassuring feeling washed over me. I felt a sense of calm for the first time in weeks and let out a long exhale. Mr. Anderson's arms were strong and muscular like Wendy's. It was easy to pretend that it was Wendy hugging me. We all broke the hug, sniffing as we did.

Mr. Anderson sat back down in the chair next to Wendy. Carol and I pulled up two other chairs that were in the room. His sad and inconsolable look returned. He went back to holding Wendy's hand again. We sat there for a few more minutes just looking at Wendy. Wires ran under her gown going God knows where. Machines displaying numbers I didn't understand. Beeping, which I assume means everything's OK. (nothing about this is OK) Three different I.V's going into her arm. A tube in her mouth, oxygen going in her nose, gauze bandages wrapped around her mostly shaved head.

I didn't want to look, but I forced myself. 'YOU DID THIS LILLY, YOU AND YOUR STUPID FLIRTY TEXT. WENDY'S MOM SAW THEM AND IT SET HER OFF.' I thought to myself.

I sat there a little longer and forced myself to look at the damage I caused. To embed into every brain cell I had, that THIS can NEVER happen again. EVER. To ANYONE.

Mr. Anderson looked away from Wendy and made eye contact with Carol and I. He had that look. The one where you know you're about to get some really bad news."I'm sorry girls, I know Wendy means a lot to you two...especially you Lilly. And, I don't know how to tell you this..... but".... He stopped talking, looked down at the floor. I could tell he's trying to gather up the courage to continue....."I'm afraid I'm going to have to transfer Wendy up to my hospital in Canada... She'll get the best round-the-clock care, and I will be with her every day. When she comes out of her coma, she'll get the best rehabilitation in the world."

It took me a few seconds to realize all the implications that meant. My eyes went wide and it hit me..... I may never see Wendy again.... ever! My eyes welled up again, so did Carol's. It was impossible to hold back the tears now. My heart was breaking, breaking into a thousand pieces. The pain in my chest was unbearable. I felt sick to my stomach.

Tears were streaming from my eyes. I loved Wendy so deeply, how could this be happening? I was wailing when I started to crumble to the floor, too weak to even sit. Carol reached out to keep me in my chair. But to no avail. I collapsed onto the floor. Carol sat on the floor and held me there while I continued to cry. I cried harder than I ever have in my life. Carol was crying too but managed to hold me....hug me. A crying hug we would experience many times over the next year..... probably a hundred times before I finally let go of Wendy.

"I'm really, really sorry girls, but it's the best thing for Wendy." Mr. Anderson said, choking back his own tears. I found a tincture of strength and spoke up. In between sniffling and short bouts of crying, I said. "I.... we know, sniff, sniff Mr. Anderson..... You're absolutely right....more tears broke from my eyes.... That is the best thing for Wendy..... It's just so hard to hear..... that's all."...... Mr. Anderson nodded.

After another minute, I shakingly stood up, Carol followed my lead. Mr. Anderson stood up too. I wearily walked over to the other side of Wendy's bed. Holding on to whatever I could to keep from falling. I wanted to run my fingers lightly through her thick black hair, but couldn't. I wanted to give her one last sweet tender kiss on her lips, but couldn't. I wanted to look into her big beautiful brown eyes just one more time, but couldn't. So I gently pet her arm. I leaned down and kissed an unconscious Wendy... tenderly on the cheek. Then I whispered, "I will always love you Wendy."

As I stood back up a tear dripped from my cheek onto hers. How fitting, I thought. Carol came over next to me and kissed Wendy on her forehead, right below her bandages. She whispered the exact same words I did.

Mr. Anderson, inconsolable and now sadder still, said. "Again, I'm so sorry girls, but it's the only way I know how to handle this." He continued, "I don't want to take Wendy from you, but I have to do what's right for her."

I looked at Carol, she looked back at me. We could see it in each other's eyes. We knew Mr. Anderson was right. We didn't want him to be right..... But that WAS..... the best thing for Wendy.

Carol and I then hugged Mr. Anderson one last time. I got that strange feeling that I was hugging Wendy again. That sense of calm washed over me. A sense that somehow, SOMEHOW, everything was going to work out.

After we broke the hug, Carol looped her arm into mine, then we slowly turned and dragged ourselves unwillingly out of the room. Every step away from Wendy was another piece of my broken heart falling to the floor. As the beeping sounds from all the machines Wendy was hooked up to slowly faded into the background. I leaned my head onto Carol's shoulder and whispered. "How Carol.... please..... tell me how..... how can I ever live without her?"

"I honestly don't know Lilly," Carol whispered back...... "But you have to try. We have to try. We'll help each other through it..... one day at a time"....

Mr. Anderson and I kept in touch off and on for a little while. There were no changes in Wendy's condition for many months. Then one day, almost a year after the incident, I got an email from him. Wendy finally came out of the coma. But she doesn't remember anything from that time. Even going as far back as her junior year. Traumatic Amnesia, he called it. He said that she may eventually remember some things.... sometime in the future. Or she may never regain her memory at all. But the most important thing right now is her physical therapy. She needs to re-learn how to do everything again

I was torn apart by this development. I've already been without Wendy for a year. Carol and I talked about it together. Well, mostly Carol just listened. Do I go up to visit her? Re-live the pain and anguish? Would she even remember me? I don't think I could take it if she didn't remember me. Losing her again so to speak.

But the pain of knowing she's awake and not going to see her was also killing me. Somehow I had to stop this constant pain in my heart. Carol agreed with my heart-wrenching, least bad conclusion that was best for everyone. As tough as it was, I had to finally let go of Wendy. She had a new life in Canada, not knowing we were ever in love or even who I was.

She could start her life over again. As I had to. Carol, now MY best friend, said she would help me to try and put back the pieces of my life and finally move on. It wasn't easy, but she did.

Well, that's the incredibly painful and heartbreaking story of my first love Wendy.

**********

Now you know why I didn't touch another girl for almost ten years..... Somehow in my young mind, I concluded that my being gay is what caused Wendy to get hurt.

Now you know why I was so conflicted..... Why I couldn't tell Andi I was gay. In my guilt-ridden mind, I wasn't even fully admitting to myself. Me being gay causes people to get hurt. And I didn't want Andi to somehow get hurt too.

Now you know why I needed a few drinks to retell that gut-wrenching story....... but I'm so glad I did.

Because..... there's something else..... a BIG something else. The surprise of my life happened earlier that morning. Yes, the morning of 'That Wonderful First Kiss' with Andi. Something I thought would never happen....ever...... But thankfully it did.

Because what happened that morning changed my life forever.

What happened that morning made me go up and demand a kiss from Andi.

What happened that morning led me to be the happiest woman on earth.

**********

I was hesitant to tell Andi this part, I really was. I wasn't sure how she would handle it. It happened just twelve hours before I kissed Andi.

It was both the worst thing that could have happened and also the very best thing that could have happened. I don't mean to be coy. And I know, I have to tell Andi.

Andi said after all.... "we'll both be open and honest" So, I ordered another drink and sat back and told Andi........

**********

Now, it so happened that I was at the mall with Carol that morning. (Yes, the morning of my wonderful first kiss with Andi). Carol and I were just walking along when she asked me to stop, she turned, stood in front of me, and faced me.

"Lilly, I kind of have a surprise for you," Carol said in a serious tone, then continued. "Except, I don't know how you will handle it. I just know, I have to do it. So no matter how this goes, remember I love you, you're my best friend, and I have your best interests at heart."

"OK.... what.... is...going....on..."

Carol looked at me straight in the eyes and put both her hands on my shoulders. Like she was stopping me from going somewhere. Then I see her look over my left shoulder. I hear the sound of high heels approaching me from behind. Then I hear a voice, the voice of an angel. A voice I recognized instantly. A voice I thought I would NEVER hear again.

"Hello, Little One."

I spun around so fast I almost fell. That's why Carol had her hands on my shoulders.

"WENDY!!!" I screamed. The entire mall heard me scream. A hundred eyes looked at us as I threw my arms around her. She is still almost a foot taller than me. My head landed sideways barely above her chest. She wrapped her strong arms around me and kissed the top of my head.

I instantly felt that safe warm feeling from almost ten years ago. The same warm feeling I felt when I hugged Wendy's father. I became overwhelmed and burst into tears. The tears I promised Carol I wouldn't shed for Wendy. The tears I kept bottled up for many years. My knees got weak, but somehow I kept upright.

I was a blubbering mess. I just stood there in the middle of the mall holding Wendy, crying uncontrollably. She started crying too. Carol and another woman with a child helped us walk over to a bench and we all sat down. Finally, after a few more minutes of both of us crying, we both composed ourselves enough to look at each other. She was no longer the fresh-faced young girl I fell in love with oh so long ago. She blossomed into a stunningly beautiful young woman of almost 30 years old.

"Wendy.....you.....you remember me?" I said, tears drying on my face and a crackle in my voice.

"I do now," Wendy said. "But I didn't, I didn't for a long time. But JoAnn, my nurse, and now my wife, worked with me. As well as Carol. To coax my memory back to normal. It took many years."

There was a lot for me to process in those few sentences. First, Wendy's wife.....JoAnn?? OK, I guess I get that. I did let her go, it wasn't easy but I did want her to live a new life. Second, Carol helped her coax her memory back? Boy! Carol's got a lot of explaining to do when this is over.

Then I locked eyes on the woman sitting next to Wendy. She looked at me with appreciative eyes. I realized she must be JoAnn. A striking beautiful blonde woman, who looked to be several years older than Wendy. Wendy must have seen my eyes looking at her wife. Wendy gracefully stood up and said to all of us.

"OK, before we go any further, I need to make some introductions." She slowly motioned her hand toward the blonde woman, but looked at me. "Lilly, this is my wife, my best friend, my angel, JoAnn."

JoAnn elegantly stood up, she was taller than Wendy by at least two inches. A statuesque woman if I ever saw one. She was wearing a matching pale yellow pencil skirt and blazer.

Then Wendy motions to me but looks back at her wife. "JoAnn, this is my first love, my unknowing hero, the woman I could NEVER forget... Lilly."

JoAnn walked towards me. I stood up, my knees still weak. I slowly put my hand out to shake hers. She gently pushed my hand away and gave me a bear hug. A long and loving bear hug. Totally unexpected from a woman who exhibited such a class.

"Lilly,...it's so nice to finally meet you..." JoAnn said. "Carol, Wendy, and I talked about you so much I feel like I already know you." JoAnn continued in a loving voice.

She was smiling from ear to ear when she released me from our hug. But then she quickly leaned down to my right ear away from everyone except Carol. "I'm so sorry you lost Wendy. But I will take good care of her.....She means the world to me." JoAnn whispered appreciatively. Then walked back to Wendy, and put one arm around her and the other around the pretty little girl in a cute pink dress.

"And this precocious little girl is our four-year-old daughter..... Alison." Wendy said, looking down at the little girl and beaming with pride. Then added, "I had a hard time bringing her into this world, but she was well worth the trouble."

"It's so nice to meet you both," I said, then I squatted down eye to eye and continued "especially you Alison," you look just like your mommy Wendy." And I reached out to shake her tiny little hand. But apparently, hugs are the norm today. Little Alison stretched out her tiny arms and hugged me. My heart overflowed with emotion. I almost broke out in tears again.

As I stood up. I realized that tiny little hug made me feel something....... something I never felt before. The loving warmth, the innocence, the sincerity of that little hug.....I wanted that......what Wendy has.....I WANT THAT. A family, a wife, and a child......I NEED THAT.

The revelation hit me like a bolt of lightning. That's what my life has been missing this whole time. Oh God, why couldn't you have shown me this sooner? I sat back down, my eyes started to well up again. Wendy noticed this and leaned over to hug me.

Then I overheard JoAnn say to Alison, "Let's let mommy, Lilly, and Carol have a few moments together OK? and we'll go get an ice cream."

Carol reached out from the other side of me and hugged me as well. I couldn't imagine, in my wildest dreams, that I would be sitting there, being hugged by the two most important women in my life right now. The outpouring of love overwhelmed me once more, and the tears started to flow. So many emotions, so many images went flying through my mind. We sat there for a minute longer, while I enjoyed the love of my two favorite people. Then I straightened up and Wendy and Carol slowly let go of me.

I first looked at Carol. "Thank you, Carol. Thank you for making this moment possible. You are the greatest best friend anyone could ever ask for." I said tenderly as I leaned over to give her a kiss on the cheek. Then, with a cheeky smile I whispered in her ear, "but we're gonna have a little talk later. About how you and Wendy were talking all this time without me knowing about it."

She looked back at me with that Cheshire Cat grin she's been known to give me. But I still gave her my most appreciative look and mouthed "thank you" one more time.

Then, I looked over at Wendy. I wanted to say a million things to her. What do you say to a person that was once the love of your life, but yet haven't seen in almost ten years? But before I could speak, Wendy put her finger up in the air and said, "Let me start, OK Lilly?" I just nodded my head.

"I know you have a thousand questions to ask me. You don't need to ask me all of them here. We're reconnected now, you and I will talk often and you will always be in my life. But now only as friends. Very close, dear friends." She said with wisdom that belied her years.

Then she continued. "I know from Carol, that you think you were responsible for my mom hurting me." Her strong arms reached over and steadied me with both hands atop my shoulders. She looked straight into my eyes and continued. "Let me say, in the strongest terms possible Lilly,...YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE! My mom was hurting me before I knew you, and she would have kept doing it even if I never knew you. My mom had some serious issues, being abused herself as a child was probably the worst. But you,... You my dearest Lilly are NOT to blame! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?" Those last words came out slowly and with a tighter grip on my shoulders.

Hearing this directly, and so forcefully, straight from Wendy, finally sunk in for me. The weight of this guilt that I carried for so long slowly lifted and I felt lighter somehow. Like I could jump twenty feet into the air. The pain I carried in my heart slowly faded from me as well. Like a thick fog that finally lifted, making all things clear again. "Yes, Wendy, I do understand. And Thank You."

Her arms slipped from my shoulders down my back and she pulled me in for a hug. I wrapped my arms around her as she pulled me even tighter. Feeling her strong arms around me again brought me right back to that fateful afternoon.

"You're thinking of our afternoon in the shower together aren't you Lilly?" She said with a smile in her voice. Damn, she can still read my mind."Yes." was all I could squeak out.

"I think about it often.....now that I can remember. That, my dearest Lilly, was the most spectacular event in my life. Being with you, that afternoon, confirmed beyond all doubt that I am gay. You will always have a special place in my heart."

We just sat there for several more minutes. I was holding her hands in mine, letting my thumb slide across the back of her soft but strong hand. I could now hear the footsteps of JoAnn and Alison returning from their ice cream treat, and walking towards us. I realized I missed my opportunity to kiss Wendy just one more time. I wanted to feel her soft luscious lips against mine just one more time. I wanted to feel my heart race like it always did when we kissed, just one more time. But I knew, I knew it would be inappropriate.

But just as I thought that Wendy read my mind and kissed me on the lips. A lingering, sweet, soft, tender kiss that made my eyes close instantly, and my heart pound. Then her tongue touched mine, just a little. Just enough to cement in my memory how much I used to love her. A kiss I would remember forever. OUR LAST KISS. I slowly pulled away from Wendy and I looked up at JoAnn. She was smiling broadly, a little twinkle in her eye. I could tell she didn't mind at all that Wendy kissed me like that.

Then Wendy leaned over to my ear and whispered. "Carol tells me there is a woman at your work, Andi, that you think you might like." At that moment Wendy sounded more sisterly or motherly, not like a former lover. "Go to her tonight Lilly. Tell her how you feel.... I.... we.... All of us want you to be happy. After all you've been through. God knows you deserve to be happy."

**********

Well....... That's the last part of my story. As you know, I took Wendy's advice, and demanded a kiss from Andi. I couldn't be happier. Wendy and I did stay in touch over the years. Mostly just email. But I did see her one more time. But that's a story you will hear later. I will hand things back over to Andi, as this is her story to tell. I'm just glad she let me tell you why I denied my true self for oh so long.