The B.F.G.

"Oh." He says placing two beers in front of me where I sit on the submerged stool, "Big night yelling at the footy or something?"

I indicate the scar on my face and he looks aghast. "Fuck sorry mate, didn't see."

Shrugging, I turn to watch as Jacinta lifts my t-shirt up over her shoulders and half the population of the pool area, including the barman, turn to take in the sight. The look on Mum's face as she watches her walk to the pool from behind is priceless.

Moments later, she emerges nearby and shakes the water from her face. Again, I'm thankful for the extra tight undies as I slide a beer closer to the nearest stool. She ignores the stool to perch up on my lap and kiss my scarred cheek. "Hey spunky. Thanks for the beer."

"Anytime, firecrotch." I mouth.

"Haw! I see how it is you Belching Fur Gobbler." The barman is visibly confused by the one-sided exchange. "Oh, hey mate." She tells him, "My boyfriend is mute. He had an accident. I can read his lips. See."

She looks hard at me and I ask, "Boyfriend? What are you doing?"

"He says, 'two pina colada's' please." She smirks. The barman nods and sets to work assembling cocktails.

She looks back over my shoulder and tells me quietly, "Tony is jealous. You didn't get him anything."

"Damn. The lolly shop. You know? I just wanted to check with you first."

"I know. He's little though. Delayed gratification is not one of his strong suits."

"Oh." Now I feel like a shithead.

"I told him you saved his present, you wanted to take him shopping on his own this afternoon." She looks for my eyes, "Is that ok? It will give me a little time to help Judy get ready for her date and Tony could really use some 'man time'. He's not had a lot to do with men."

"Hey, I'd love it. What sort of stuff does he-"

"He'll show you." She smiles and interrupts. "He's not shy. You know the supermarket up near the hotel? Just take him there and let him buy some junk food and cheap toys. He'll think it's Christmas. Especially if it's just the two of you. He's a bit jealous of me."

"Of you?"

"Getting all your attention." She blushes. "Oh my god," she laughs, "Look at Judy's face."

I swivel on the stool to watch Cam strut to the pool in her tiny thong bikini. Mum's jaw looks like she's trying to swallow an invisible egg.

"That's fucking gold." Jacinta laughs. "Better make a third pina colada." She tells the barman.

"What exactly are you up to, Big Furtive Guy? A pyjama party? It sounds like a bunch of fun." Cam asks when she surfaces a few feet away.

"Thought it would be a fun last night here. That's all." I sign.

"Ahuh... Sure..." Cam says as the drinks arrive.

"Don't ask me. I just wanted a do-over for that fucking disaster years ago."

I boggle briefly when I notice. I can't know the signs for it in my sudden shock, so I tap Little Red's shoulder and point at Cams bikini. "What the fuck?" is a sign I can make.

"Oh, hey hon, that suit..." Jacinta points at the little white suit which is now just white laces and transparent wet triangles.

"Fuck!" Cam puts her drink down and ducks down into the water. "Holy shit. Holy shit."

"Your poor brother is probably scarred for life now bitch." We all crack up at the barman's confused face. "Well, more scarred."

Cam's initial embarrassment over, she reaches for the drink and bobs with her boobs just under the water to drink it while we waste the afternoon away. When the tall cocktails are finished, I tell the girls I'll head back first and get them some towels so they can get out. Telling Tamara about Cam's bikini issue, I enjoy her eager offer to help with towels.

"Pervert." I tease her.

"All day every day."

I'm still thinking about the vision of Jacinta reaching for the towel I hold and dripping water like a swimsuit model, as I hold Tony's excited little hand and let him throw things in the trolley I push. "My Mumma loves you. I think you're too big. But you smell good." He speaks really well for a little bloke and I only have to repeat a sign for him every now and then.

He's incredibly good with shopping too. Imagine a four-year-old who compares prices and looks for no brand versions of things. That alone tells me a little of how the last five years have been for Jacinta and it makes me a little sad. Also, it makes me proud of the woman she's become. A mum who is responsible for this little life. A mum who has shaped the savvy, friendly little man he is.

"Can I get the big pencils, Bwyin?" I nod and he selects some colouring pencils in a twenty-four pack and puts them in the trolley. He stops next in the biscuit aisle and finds a packet of TV snacks. Holding them, his little eyes look up at me as if I might say no. I nod and am rewarded with a hug on the leg. Next, he finds a packet of Tim-Tams and purses his lips at them.

He puts them back and picks up a pack of no brand chocolate biscuits and looks at them for a while before telling me, "Tim Tam's are Mumma's best ones, but she always gets them ones 'stead."

"A gift for Mum?" I sign.

He nods so I ask, "Which do you want for her?"

"Tim Tams." He nods excitedly and grabs two packets.

Four thirty is my designated return time. Mum's date includes a river cruise that departs at five pm. By the time we've paid for the treats and toys and walked the ten minutes back to the resort, I've learned all about his friends at Kindy, his favourite television shows and how much he hates 'pissgetti'.

Much later, he's yawning as I pass him to his Mum and watch his excited chatter about the afternoon. His favourite part was feeding the myriad of small bream that lurk around the moorings at the wharf. We'd finished our fish and chips at tables in the park and listened to the ring of rigging on masts. After, we took our scraps down to sit on the wharf and swing our legs over the side. His Mum had shown him the fish.

It was something she remembered from that trip a long time ago too. I remember her simple joy as she broke tiny pieces off our leftovers and threw them to the fish. Probably get an environmental lecture about it these days.

"Bath time and PJ's" She tells him. "Come on now."

"I want Bwyin." He frowns darkly and stomps.

She looks at me, "Do you mind? I'll find him some pyjamas. Make sure he washes his hair."

When the little bloke is finished, his skin pink from towelling and his mouth still chattering about a hundred different things, I wrap him in a far too large bath robe and carry him out to Jacinta. She slips some sleep pants on him and a t-shirt and settles him onto the couch to watch some cartoons.

"Grab a shower, Bodaciously Funky Guy. I'll make us a cuppa. I'm about done drinking for another three months. Those shots the other day and just... I hardly ever drink these days. Black and one?"

"Please." I nod and wander off to find some bed clothes. The shower is one of those bloody hotel water saver ones that piss thin streams of water at you but barely get you wet. It's steamy though and washes the beach spray and sweat away. I'm a bit nervous.

Our kisses have changed. There's a sexual teasing to them. The cadence of our relationship has changed dramatically. She knows she's not a teenager anymore. She knows what she's doing. She knows I... If...

"And what would you do now, Brian." I ask myself and I know I want her. But this new truce, new way of being is still so fragile and I don't want to fuck it up. I really am a bungling oaf at times and I'm getting way ahead of myself. I wish Dad was here to talk to. Since the accident I just can't think as quickly and reasonably as I used to. Everything comes through a thick fog of static noise.

That bikini today though. Little Jacinta is long gone. That was one hundred percent adult woman. "She knows exactly where we're going, even if I don't." I decide.

"Hurry up in there, I need the loo."

All I know is that I can't do this. She has to. Our relationship has been built on the premise of me as an older brother, safe male, 'something with authority' kind of figure. I never said 'no' to her but if I'd even frowned, she modified her actions. She needs to drive this. She needs to be the changing force to anything I could possibly hope for and god help me, I have a lot of hopes.

I can see a whole future now she's...

"Brian, do you want me to fucking piss myself? Fuck sake!" The door opens and she says, "Look at the wall for a moment, you Blinking Flood Gusher."

"Stop laughing." She insists hearing my signed clapping. "Hurry up. I smell like car exhaust and sea spray."

Yup, not a little girl at all anymore. Perhaps she can find a way to help us move into a new kind of balance. Perhaps the key is that I have to recognise her maturity and let her navigate now. I'm not generally a submissive sort of person. I like to guide my way through life. Since the accident I reach strongly for every shred of control I can find, but in this moment... In this moment, I need to relinquish control, I believe.

"Oh god, that's better." I hear and smile at the relief in her voice. Right up until I hear the shower screen open and a cold hand reaches in and pinches me on the butt. "God damn Bry, are you lifting engine blocks or something up there in the mines? Hurry up muscles."

The glass slides closed and I feel my scarred eye socket try to open as widely in shock as my good eye does. I think she's got a handle on where we're going.

There is a cup of tea waiting on the coffee table when I finish brushing my wet hair and find my way to the couch. Jacinta is missing in action, presumed preparing for a shower. The television is suitably boring. The night is suitably coastal perfection.

Cool breezes sneak past the slight opening in the balcony door and curl about the room swirling the steam from my tea. It's strong. I remember the first time I made Little Red a cup of tea.

We were camping. Alright, in the back yard, but it was tents and so on. The girls wanted a fire and Mum wouldn't let them have one without someone to keep an eye on it. So, enter stage left the BFG.

"Bry, would you watch our fire please?" Her little green eyes looked up at mine. "I've never had a campfire Bry."

I slept on the ground next to it. Between their tent and the fire. Dad came out at some point and told me to go to bed. The fire was out but I didn't know. He smiled at my shaking head and put a blanket on me.

"Silly boy. You'd set yourself on fire to keep them warm." He smiled. I wonder where he is now.

It's been such a long day. I'm good with motors. Oh, and wheels and rattle guns and electronics. Mostly, it's all electronics these days. Fucking electric brakes and all fly by wire. But this emotional shit... There's no OHS manual for it. No safety data sheets or...

I'm rubbing my forehead and watching some nonsence when the bathroom door spills her out.

There's steam and legs and a big smile. Long red hair and a freckled nose. Green eyes that shine on mine. On, my one... I breathe remembering his little voice this evening. "Are you a piwate? Why don't you wear a patch?"

She's wearing a towel as much as I can see. She drops it and pulls a t-shirt; my t-shirt over her naked torso. Over her naked, now burned in my memory, torso.

"Not the reaction I'd hoped for Beautiful Friendly Guy." She says, seeing me laughing.

"Not a pirate." I explain.

"Oh..." She sighs and straddles my thighs to pull me against her warm, still steamy body.

"Oh darlin, Brian. He... Little Tony thinks you're some kind of superhero, like Captain Jack Sparrow. That's why the pirate thing. It's his favourite movie. He loves you Bry."

I'm not making any noise. At least I have that dignity. It was funny at first. Just a funny memory I was having as she exited the shower. But my shoulders shrug with how ugly I feel for the poor kid. How frightening I must look for him...

"Shh... Tonight when I popped him on the pull out, he asked me, 'why doesn't he wear an eye patch like in the movies?' Don't you get it?"

I shake my head. "I see how people look at me, Little Red."

"Not Tony. Not me. Not Cam. Not Judy. Not any of us. Not anyone who really sees you, Bry. You only have one eye. But you see all of the beautiful things in all of us and love us even when we can't. If all the other people could see through both their eyes as well as you do with that one good eye of yours..."

And then she's crying and I just want to reach for a rewind button or something.

She holds both her arms around my neck and I am smothered in breasts. I'd complain but I'm trying to surface from my own self-pity. It's pathetic and I know it, but it's been my journey and not a new place for me.

"Do you know why I punched you so hard the other day?" She pulls away and looks me squarely in the eye with a look that only a mother can pull off.

I shake my head and avoid her eyes. There's got to be a way out of this muddle of emotions and circumstances that I know I should be smart enough to work out but feel smothered by.

"You said..." and she signs it just to rub it in my face. "You. Deserve. Better."

"Do you remember?" She puts her hands on my cheeks and makes me look at her. "Do you?"

I nod. She does. Even now, I'd like to find someone just perfect for her. It's dumb but no matter how much I want her...

"Well, listen here fuckwit... The day you find someone that can love me more than you. The day you find someone who can fucking well put up with my crazy arse. That day... Maybe then there's someone better. Do you understand?"

I grit my teeth and nod my head.

"Now shh..." she puts her fingers on my lips. "Do you remember?"

I nod. When I was in the hospital before they all learned to sign. She wanted so desperately to know what I was saying. To lip read. She'd put two fingers gently on my lips and say, "Talk BFG. Talk to me." By the time I left hospital she could look the other way and know what I was saying just by holding her fingers on my lips.

"Tell me you love me." She nods and sparkles green eyes on mine.

"I love you." She smiles at the movement on her fingers.

"Now." She takes a deep breath and stares hard at me. "Now... Little Red's Rule..."

My eye rolls. I'd never told anyone about that one except Cam this afternoon.

"Bry, don't ever tell Cam anything you don't want the rest of us to know ok?"

I laugh silently despite my embarrassment at the evening's emotion.

"This is really important okay?"

I nod. She reaches for her cup of tea which is probably cold by now. I reciprocate and find mine surprisingly warm still. In the same moment as she shifts, I feel the warmth of her straddling me still. She's wearing just my t-shirt and maybe underwear but from the heat on me where we meet, I'm not so sure. Parts of me respond despite the laden moments we explore.

"Ooh!" She smiles as I twitch beneath her and she puts her cup of tea back down.

"Sorry." I sign. Though my red face probably communicates it just as well.

She wiggles and looks at me biting her lip, "Mmm... Doesn't feel like anything to be sorry about. But shh..."

Her fingers on my lips again and the heat of her on my swollen self insist against any kind of interruption I could have come up with.

"Adults say 'No' to each other now and then. Do you know how hard it is to say 'no' to little Tony? God, I hate myself sometimes. He's just so innocent and in the moment and every part of me just wants to let him do what he wants but it's just not best for him. God it sucks to be a fucking Mum sometimes. Do you know?"

She holds my face but all I can feel is her breasts pushed against me, her hot crotch on mine and her warm breath on my face. I nod.

"I get it." Her own eyes are leaking now. "I get it. How you got stuck in a moment. How you... Especially you... Couldn't get out what you wanted me to know. But look..."

She swallows and giving up on words pecks her way along my jaw until her lips test the corners of mine.

"Love me still? Should I shut up?"

A little shake of the head is all she needs.

"That little man in there..." she points over her shoulder. "That's your new 'little red'. Got it? I don't need you any more you Bug Fondling Gutterdweller."

I pull her close. Part of me floats away. I feel her telling me she's done. That our thing is finished. She's letting me go gently. I know she's okay on her own. Look at how far she's come. Damn it. Why did it take me so long to realise and why the years in between us?

"I'm a fucking bona fide, grown arse, stinky adult bitch. Do you understand, Brian? This is fucking important now, okay? Do you fucking understand?" Her voice is loud and her body is tense on mine. She pulls my hair sharply and brings my eye to hers. "Fucking do you?"

"You say 'NO!' to me now. Okay?" She nods her head. "I say Bry, pweeze can I have a thing, you say 'NO'. I'm a grown bitch. I save, I scrimp, I work hard to get what I want, I don't need you to say yes anymore. God, I love how you always did, but I need... I need you to fucking respect me Brian. Do you fucking understand?"

"Fuck..." she says embarrassed at her raised voice. I have no quick answers. Story of my life. So, I pull her close into a more than half sexual hug. I can't help the weird boner that presses between us despite the gravity of what we're trying to communicate. Her warm weight on my warm... and well... you try not having half a boner.

"Okay, so this is technically a sleepover?" I ask her.

"What? Wanker, what?"

"Well I'm sleeping at your place so KDT applies, right?"

She laughs and the twitching of her body on mine is lovely. She nods. "I guess so. Why?"

"You said you don't need me anymore. Is that the truth?"

She pushes away and punches my shoulder. "That's not fair, you know what I mean. Come on, it's a technical lie. I need you but I don't need... Fuck it, I'll just pay up. I choose 'kiss'."

Then the world just becomes the taste of her. Her lips press and move on mine and our tongues talk communicating things we could never find words for. She grinds on my hardness as she moans in my mouth and my hands roam up under the t-shirt she wears. Breaking our kiss for just a moment, she moans and pulls my hand to her full breast.

"Brian. While I can still speak. Before we abolish Little Red's rule forever, I have one last question that you can't say no to, ok?"

I nod.

"Will you please take me to bed and fuck me." She growls and resumes kissing me.

When I push her away her eyes look just a little frightened.

"No. Jacinta, no, I will not." Her mouth opens to speak and her eyes search mine for explanation, "I'm going to..." I stand, taking her with me, her legs wrapped around my waist and her face watching mine to see what I'm going to say. "Take you to bed and make love to you. Maybe we can fuck later."

I was wrong, she had nothing on under that t-shirt. It was gone before I even made the bedroom door, torn off and thrown to the floor by her as I carried her. One of my hands held her under her bum and with the shirt gone, I confirmed her absolute nakedness, smoothing my palm over her cheeks while my other arm held her around the waist and pulled her hard to my hungry lips.

Her hands were making fast work of the buttons on my shirt and as I placed her on the bed she came away from me smiling with my shirt in one hand and my belt in the other and a look of sheer hunger in her green eyes. Long quick fingers and pretty red nails tug at the button of my jeans and 'zip'; they drop to my ankles.

My world stands still in a long moment as I watch her eyes and her licked lips and we simply both take in each other's nakedness. I bob in front of her with my pulse and she licks her lips, taking my hardness in one hand.

"So long Bry, so long I've wanted this." Her voice is breathy and warm on my exposed flesh. "God, it's just lovely." Then all thought evades me as I feel her warm lips open around my knob and her tongue flick at the base of my glans. I hold her cheek gently in one hand and spread the fingers of the other in her tussled hair as she bobs, taking a little more each time.