The B.F.G.

"Sin darlin," I tell her. "We love you and we want to know how one day you were going to marry him and have a bajillion children and then the next you're girls gone wild material. Did he do something to you?" God forbid it. I don't think he'd hurt her in a million years but it serves as an Occam's razor starting point. Cut away enough truth and you'll find the lie.

"No." She shakes her head. "Never. Not like that. God, I wish like that." She's crying again now so we let her settle.

"So." She breathes and straightens herself up. "The whole truth. They were never playdates for me. They were real. I know you all thought I had some silly crush but I didn't. I just plain fucking loved him. I fucking loved him!"

"Fuck this." Cam says and walks over to wrap her arms around Sin, "We know darlin, that's why we don't understand. Come. Come."

She half hugs, half drags Sin over to the L shaped couch where she's smothered in friends. I can't reach to put arms around her, so I ruffle her hair. Then we listen to her spilled, sobbed, broken truth and by the end we're all a fucking big girly mess of blubbering. The following is kind of like one of those stenographers' records that you get from court, minus all the breaks for drinks and hugs.

"I was so excited. I had him to myself for the whole night. You were all off to the beach and he'd organised a night show thing at Underwater World. It was perfect. He snuggled me close and let me wander. You know what he was like. I love you guys but sometimes I hated sharing him with you."

"We got to the tunnel part that is my favourite and he didn't rush me. Just held my hand and let me pull him along at my own pace. It's beautiful at night. It was like I was in my own little world with just him and the fish and I wanted a kiss."

"He bent down to me and I kissed him. On his lovely lips. Just like always. But it was all so perfect. I moved my lips and licked a little just like a real kiss and he froze. It was like he was thinking. Then he bent to let me kiss him again. Just quickly though. He hugged my head and said," she signs, 'love you little red'.

"And then I fucked the whole world up. I told him I loved him too and said, 'would you marry me'. He froze up again. His eyes looked all through mine and I knew he loved me. I reached up and pulled him down to kiss him properly this time. Tongue and moans and then..."

"Then I felt his hands on my shoulders pushing. Pushing me. Pushing me back. Away. Pushing me away. I searched his face and watched his hands. His lips didn't speak. His hands didn't speak. And then I knew. Then I knew his answer."

"I cried as I ran. I ran all the way to the beach. I knew he would come looking for me but as I ran the sad and broken turned into cranky. Angry. Fucking angry. How could he push me away? Why didn't he want me? By the time I'd got back to the unit I was so pissed off. You know how I get."

"Those boys saw me and asked if I wanted to party. Right then I wanted to forget. I wanted to drink the world into blackness. So I invited them up to the unit."

"There were five of them. We drank and we laughed and at some point, Brian got back. He didn't bother us. Just sat on the lounge watching television. I knew he was keeping an eye on me. I wanted to hurt him back. I wanted him to know how much I hurt."

"When that first boy asked if I ever blew someone, I knew just how to hurt him like he hurt me. They had a party pack. Twelve condoms. One didn't work."

"And the whole time he stayed. He made sure I was safe. I knew he wouldn't stop them. Stupid rules."

"I told them to leave when the condoms were gone. I couldn't even look at Brian when I came inside. People were cheering from the street even. After I showered, I rang mum to come get me. I cried myself to sleep. And here we are."

As far as sleepover's go it was pretty much done after Sin's confessions. My only hope was that now it was all out in the open, perhaps she'd find some forgiveness for herself in our acceptance of her.

As I lay there, in the half dark with the sounds of the beach and the occasional car, I remember this lonely moment from countless other nights. The soft breathing of my lovely friends. The combined girly smells of shampoo's and brushed teeth. Knowing that my best friends were all in the same room with me, lying on mattresses and couch cushions. Waiting.

Waiting for my own sleep to come. Smiling as I heard the sniffling Sin try to sneak away as she did every sleepover.

...........................................

JUDITH NANCY GRANT nee GOODMAN

"Mum." She looks exhausted. I hug her tightly and kiss her cheek. "Tony?"

"Now where would you be if you were little and were having trouble getting to sleep."

Her sad lips twitch into a smile and she glances past me at the couch where Tony is snuggled up in Brian's lap.

"The little shit. That's my spot."

"Now we're getting somewhere. Did you all have a damn good talk. I'm sick of all this business you know." I hold her cheek to make her look in my eyes. She could never lie to my face.

Her brief nod shakes the smile off her face and it's replaced by a look of despair. "We... I..."

"Shh child. I don't need to know the details. So long as it's out in the open." She nods again and smiles watching Brian and Tony sleeping. "Will you have a wine with me before I call it a night. It's lovely on the balcony tonight."

She smiles and nods. Perhaps she needs one of our chats. The ones where she doesn't say very much but I get to give a motherly lecture. We'll see, that's up to her. It is however a lovely night outside and this Semillon is fantastic.

The night air is warm and smells like sea breeze. There is a faint breeze that prickles my skin and makes me pull my gown a little closer as I close the sliding doors behind us and pour us each a glass. Two comfy beach chairs accept our quiet presence and we both look out over the inky black ocean.

Some minutes later, I'm lost in thought about the grey-haired gentleman from the Surf Club who slipped me his business card. My Tony died six years ago. He was only fifty-two. Too early to be taken from me. I'm turn fifty in April next year. Tony would tell me to call him. "You're too young to stay lonely forever Judith."

"How?" It's whispered beside me nervously.

"How what dear?"

"How can Brian still love me? I was so hurtful to him. If you knew what I..."

"Do you remember my Tony?"

"Dad." She nods and smiles.

"I often wondered the same thing about him. Some days I was a right cunt."

Her look of shock tells me that my deployment of a 'c' bomb was masterful.

"Let me tell you something that not even Camille knows. You must promise never to tell her Jacinta, please?"

"Of course." She nods. The promise was not necessary. Her and I have shared too many horrible truths over the years and held them in confidence.

"When Brian was little, I went through some kind of depression. My beautiful young body was changed. My hips bigger, my boobs saggier."

"Tell me about it." She grimaces.

"Well I stupidly felt quite unattractive despite Tony's assurances. The idiot woman in me started seeking external appreciation if you know what I mean. I cheated. Not once even, but many times with three men over time. Of course, I was very discreet. I still loved Tony and couldn't hurt him, but I craved the risk and adventure and ultimately the feeling that men still found me attractive."

She's quiet, so I guess she's struggling to internalise my confession.

"Tony found me crying to myself one evening at the shame of it all. There I was cheating on this wonderful husband and human and the only person I could talk to about it was him. I spilled my guts and that lovely man just held me patiently despite his own hurt and when I was done, he kissed me on the head and told me he loved me."

"Damn."

"Then he went down to his shed and cried like a baby. That hurt me the most. More than anything he could have said or done."

She nods thoughtfully and I top our glasses up.

"Life went on as normal after that. I never cheated again. The shame of his hurt stopped me any time I was tempted. He never brought it up again either. I guess to answer your question, Brian's a lot like his father. Patient, thoughtful, what am I doing? You know what he's like." I smile and pat her arm.

"The hardest thing I ever had to do was forgive myself, Jacinta."

"I don't know that I ever will."

"Then little Camille came along and I was so frightened I'd slip into a funk again. He watched me like a hawk that lovely man. Not out of distrust but because he knew I was afraid too. In the end I told myself that if he could still love me, then maybe I could too. Took a long time, a lot of tears and quite a few lonely moments with a wine glass. But ultimately, I had to, or I'd drown in the past and lose my relationship."

"Anyway enough of all that. Draw a line in the sand and step over it, young lady. Your past will always be there but until you move forward, you're going to be stuck in it. Do you remember that horrible night with the police?"

"Oh fuck yes. Sorry. Not often though. That was then... I get it."

"Back then we thought we were going to be stuck in that mess forever though, didn't we?"

"It didn't feel like there was any way out. If I told Mum, I thought she'd blame me. If I told the police, I thought they'd take him away and then Mum... it was impossible. But I couldn't take it anymore. The only place I could sleep..."

The poor girl is crying again so I leave it be. It was nasty of me to bring up her stepfather and the sexual abuse, but I have a point to make.

"So, two things that my Tony used to tell me whenever I was struggling with shame."

I fetch some tissues from the kitchen bench and top our glasses up before continuing.

"First. 'I've never seen anything bad that something good didn't come out of.' That one used to confuse me when I applied it to myself. What good came from fucking three men who weren't my husband? I guess it was the new trust we built. I guess it was the honesty we shared and the value I placed on my family and my husband afterward."

"Little Tony." She sniffles. "I've got little Tony. He's made me grow up. Be responsible. And he loves me even when I can't."

I nod and pat her arm. "You've also got friends that are probably feeling very glad that you've reconnected after all this time."

She nods her head and wipes her eyes.

"Second. 'It won't always be like this.' Everything changed slowly for me once I let go of it. My marriage bed got a little saucier. I don't know if Tony was trying to fuck those other men out of me or reclaim me or something but by golly, he put some effort in."

Jacinta laughs through her sniffles. "Mum... Eww..."

"And then Camille came along and then it was suddenly all so far behind me that I hardly ever thought about it anymore. The same will happen for you when you decide to move along and let things change."

"Can I have one of those hugs please Mum?"

I forget how tall Jacinta is until I hug her. Her breasts pressing into the side of my head remind me. When she releases me, I ask, "So... dream team as usual I'm guessing."

Her blush is beautiful. "I'll grab some blankets and a couple of pillows. Your little bloke has a pair of sleep pants on. There's a spare toothbrush in the bathroom."

And it's just like old times. I watch as she nervously covers little Tony and Brian and then makes herself comfortable on the couch beside them. She places her pillow near my son's thigh and pulls a blanket up over herself.

As I turn off the lights, I see Brian reach a sleepy arm over and rest it on Jacinta's head. His broken face twists in a smile and I remember that terrible day as I prepare myself for bed.

It was late November back in two thousand and ten. He was seventeen and just finished school. To Jacinta's distaste, Brian and Olivia were at one of the many parties the school leavers were squeezing into the summer holidays before work, university, reality hit.

"And dear Jesus, please give Olivia cancer. Amen." I smiled and closed the door to Camille's room. It was nearing ten at night and the house was still too hot to sleep comfortably so we took our drinks to the verandah. Tony, a small glass of port. He only ever had the one. And, I a more generous serve of wine.

We heard sirens. It was not uncommon, but in a small town like ours it was quite infrequent. There was a second set of sirens follow the first out Northern Road.

"Probably a noise complaint." Tony offered. "There's been a few rowdy parties lately."

"Don't the Eyles' live out that way?" That was where the party Brian was at; his football mate, Danny Eyles' parent's house.

"Orange Hill. Big house. Nice people." We sat in quiet after that. Each in our own thoughts. I was wondering about accommodation for Brian next year. Campus was expensive, perhaps he and Danny could get a flat or a unit and share rent. Danny had a car.

I was so proud of Brian's acceptance into a Drama. He had most things well planned out. Finish his arts degree and do a Grad Dip in teaching was the goal.

"Judith dear. Go inside." Tony said in a frighteningly serious voice. "Now dear, please."

The scream left my throat before the officer's even got out of the car.

Olivia was dead. Danny was in custody and Tony was in intensive care with massive head injuries.

I shudder as I turn off my own light and crawl into my own empty bed. A cold fear makes me tremor with the memories of six months of hospital. Little Jacinta slept there nearly every night. The nurses even got her a pretend nurse apron.

The poor girl spent the first two months while he was in a coma beside herself with the same fear we all felt. Would he wake up and what was left in there? She blamed herself for the crash. Tony tried to assure her that God doesn't listen to those sorts of prayers.

Danny spent two years in prison for dangerous driving causing death. His blood alcohol level was three times the limit. It was a bloody long road for all the families and touched the lives of everyone in town.

Six months and seventeen days after the crash, Brian walked back through the front door of the house after leaving it to go to a silly party. He was angry a lot in the beginning. Frustrated with his mute mouth. In pain still. Angry with himself for letting Olivia get in the car when he knew Danny had been drinking.

His head was fuzzy and slow, he told us. He couldn't remember anything except a kiss goodbye from Jacinta. The one that made Olivia roll her pretty blue eyes as she waited for Brian to walk to Danny's car with her. Despite the artificial coma and the best efforts of the doctors, a minor stroke had damaged some part of his brain that controlled speech.

There was hope they told us that such a young brain may bridge some synapses, or some such mumbo jumbo and he may talk again. There was no physical damage preventing it, just a failed connection. A short circuit.

His eye and his face would not get better. It was a nasty reminder, but to all of us it hardly registered. Jacinta used to sit on his lap and try to kiss it better.

I offer a silent prayer for all of them and fall into a thankful peace.

...............................

TIMOTHTY CHARLES LOUIS

Most of this holiday has been like a silent movie for me. Liz translates and so do the others when they remember but I still only get about a quarter of the conversations though. When the girls all went for their sleepover, Brian and I had a couple of beers and a meal. We text messaged each other. He's pretty quick on his phone. Puts me to shame.

His fucking tinder game is 'en pointe'. He showed me his profile in response to my question, "How are you still single?" He shrugged and pulled up a lot of history and currents.

"They all come for the freak show, but don't stay for the clowns." His text tells me. There's not a single thing slow behind that smiling scarred face. It just takes him time to get it from upstairs to out there. Except if he's typing it apparently.

Afterwards he went back to his room and I sat in the restaurant bar for a while, people watching. Liz gave me a hall pass tonight. All she wants is a few pictures if I get lucky. This arrangement was her idea. It's taken a lot of bloody hard work and harder communication to get it to its present iteration but it seems to work for us.

I wouldn't call it an open relationship. That implies you can just fuck anyone and everyone. She has a couple of sanctioned boyfriends and I have couple of lady friends that she's approved. Every now and then though, we break our rules and that's okay so long as we use condoms, check for permission up front and tell each other all the details later.

Do I get jealous? Well sometimes. I'm only human. Does she? More often than me. How do we deal with it? Talking. Fucking. Lots of reclaiming each other. To tell the truth, sometimes I'm really glad she has some other outlets because I know I wouldn't be able to keep up with her.

Have I met her boyfriends? A couple. Not her present two, but a couple of old ones. One was in town and wanted to catch up for old time sake. He came around the house which is against the rules. No sex, just friendly chats and introductions. He had married and moved to Sydney.

The other one I met by accident. He bumped into me in a clothing store and said, "You MUST be Tim. Liz spoke so often of you."

I was kind of flattered that she worded me up to her lover. He was a nice bloke. I could definitely see what she saw in him. Unassuming, but very blokey.

She knows one of my present lady friends. She introduced us with a saucy wink, "Tim this is Emily, I thought you two would hit it off. She loves fishing too." Usually she would much rather not know them personally. We've hit hurdles with Emily, because she tried to compare notes with Liz one day and that made her uncomfortable. Emily works in Liz's firm as a clerk.

At the end of a fairly heated conversation and after some quite vigorous sex, she lay on my chest tracing lazy circles in the dense black hair and said, "Sorry Tim. I'm a possessive bitch. I'll just tell her that I'm happy for her but don't want to hear the details."

They're having a sleepover. For a bunch of girls in their mid-twenties they seemed full of childish energy over it. Liz was really animated and excitedly told me of all their old dares and so on. I'm happy for her and frankly a little happy about the break.

We're both very busy people and usually only manage to spend one day of the weekend together. We live together and sleep together in the same bed every night but usually we only have Sunday to spend some quality time together. A date, a lazy day at home, a day in bed, whatever. So, this last few days has me thinking that I'll use my hall pass to give the man down stairs a night off.

We've done nothing but fuck as soon as the door to our room closes. It's been great but even the energiser bunny needs re-charging.

I'm wandering aimlessly now. Just looking in shop windows and nodding at strangers. It's like two different worlds, Mooloolaba. By day it's happy family's and tourists, by night its party mode.

The surf club seems full of older people. I'm thirty-two and used to hanging around Liz's mates so these people seem a little older. I wander out to the deck and drink my bourbon looking out to sea. It would be a nice place to retire up here.

Maybe a yacht, maybe a house on the canals. Maybe some kids. Whoops... That thoughts been popping up more frequently for me these days and meeting Sin's little ginger man has had me a little bloody clucky, if I'm honest. Not the right time for Liz and I though. She's just started at the firm. Nothing happening on that event horizon for another five years, according to the boss lady.