The Burn

The final subtle thing I noticed came about a week before I was set to depart. I was going to take the computer in the office with me to college so mom had bought an external hard drive to back up the files for when she got a new one. She had started the transfer one day before heading off to work and let me know to check on it when it was complete to make sure all the files made it across safely.

I didn't really consider the implications until I sat down to confirm. Wait, surely she hadn't copied everything? Even my deeply buried incest stash? She had... my mind raced for a moment. She probably just did an entire file transfer and hadn't intended to copy every last little thing. Right? I knew she knew about their location and content at this point so were they something she intended to keep?

I briefly considered deleting them from her new hard drive but the tiniest chance that she might actually retain even the slightest amount of reciprocation prevented me, so I left them there. I still had no clue what she really thought about finding them. Did she chalk it up to just a weird fetish? There was no way she could know just how deep my desire ran.

But yes she could, there was a recording of her in the shower for fucks sake! Well at this point, it was what it was. I was leaving for college in a week and probably for the better. I needed to put some distance between us and really see how far down this road of obsession I had come and if there was a way back. I would much rather leave things uncertain than to misread all the circumstances and make some sort of move that I could never take back.

The day finally came for my departure. My truck was all loaded up and was set to head out. Mom walked me to the end of the driveway and started to tear up. I did too. This was a big deal, we had lived together for the past 20 years and had always been there for each other. My sexual fantasies aside, she was my mother and I was going to really miss her.

She made me promise to keep in touch regularly and to let her know I arrived safely. I was fumbling the reassurances out when she ambushed me with tightest embrace I had ever experienced, her body pressing hard into mine, feeling her tits compressing into my chest. I was instantly aroused and about to pull back when she beat me to it and planted a firm kiss directly on my lips.

I was so taken aback that I didn't fight it, I couldn't if I wanted to. This was nothing like those simple pecks on the cheek we had occasionally shared. This was hard and emotionally charged and I had to resist every urge to slip my tongue out and part her lovely lips. It only lasted a moment but it was electric and my body was sad to feel it end. She pulled back, smiled and sheepishly apologized and told me to go before she jumped in the truck with me. It was hard to leave her in that moment but I did just that and put home in my rearview, along with all my deeply buried desires.

9 months later...

Things had changed a lot for me in that relatively short amount of time. I hit the ground running and fully embraced my new life on campus. I immersed myself in my studies and dove in head first to the drastically different and active social scene. Time seemed to blur as I allowed myself to be taken for the ride, welcoming the distraction from what I still considered my unnatural feelings towards my mother.

I even abstained from visiting my old haunts in the form of my incest porn vault. I felt better, like I was actually putting those feelings behind me. I felt more confident as well and it seemed to be paying dividends in the form of women my own age. I was rarely without a girlfriend or courting one or two ladies in-between trysts. I was always respectful and tried my best to never step on anyone's heart but I found myself ending things whenever I sensed it going past a casual arrangement.

It was probably because I knew in the back of my mind I was still in lust with mother. She and I kept in touch regularly, chatting on the phone once a week. She seemed to be doing well but I could tell there was a sadness behind her voice and that she genuinely missed me. I could never tell though if it was for the reasons I secretly hoped.

I only came home once for Christmas, opting to stay on campus for Thanksgiving and going camping with new friends for Spring Break. The trip home for Christmas flew by as I juggled my time with my mother and old school homies. I think I was keeping my walls up with her and I felt like it hurt her feelings. She seemed somewhat unsatisfied with the time we did spend together and I felt bad in retrospect. I was really trying to not slip into my old lustful ways when I was home but it was very hard. My return to campus was melancholy.

The spring semester flew by even faster as it always seemed to compared with fall. I had planned to return home for the summer but a week before school let out one of my new adventure buddies, Mike, presented me with an amazing opportunity.

He was going to work in Yosemite National Park at one of their lodges for the entire summer and they had other openings. Free room and board, a paying job and plenty of down time to explore the park. I knew I had to go.

I called mom to let her know and I could tell she was disappointed I wouldn't be coming home but was ultimately stoked for the amazing experience I was sure to have. Communication was apt to be spotty so she jokingly told me not to forget about her. I promised her I could never and would call whenever I had the chance.

It worked out well because Mike didn't have a ride out there so we loaded up my truck and headed out, having a blast on the way out on my first real road trip as an adult. He and I arrived and got checked in and settled into the cabin we'd be sharing for the duration.

The work wasn't the most glamorous job, cooking and washing dishes in the lodge's restaurant but I didn't mind. With free housing and nothing to spend money on in the wilderness I was stacking up some decent savings. We had a hell of time exploring the park in our time off and were making friends with other young folks who worked there, making plans for further adventures in the months and years to come.

It was when I inevitably got lonely and subsequently horny that old feelings rose to the surface, punched through the crust and volcanoed my lust and love for my mother to breathtaking new heights.

I had purchased an older refurbished laptop from the school but hadn't really used it much. I had transferred over everything from my desktop, including and especially my porn treasure trove but hadn't really delved back into it much, trying to steer clear of my old lustful ways.

Mike had scored a little bit of Molly(MDMA) from some folks passing through the park and suggested we take it on our next day off. He was sweet on the hostess at the lodge and wanted to she if she was down to party with us for an afternoon as well. I was cool with that but didn't want to be a third wheel. He assured me I wouldn't be so we came up with the plan to meet up, take our drugs and hike around in the wilderness surrounding the lodge so no one had to drive and if we decided we wanted the comfort of our cabin, it wasn't too far of a walk.

It was a great afternoon and we spent the first few hours talking excitedly about everything and anything, laughing a lot. We were all rolling our asses off but I could tell I was becoming more introverted as their attraction for each other seemed to bloom right before our eyes. I decided to take my leave, to which they protested, concerned I was feeling ignored or left out. I assured them I wasn't, because I truly was stoked for them and wanted them to have a nice time. We made half promises to meet up a little later but I figured I wouldn't see them again that night. No worries.

I made my way back to our cabin to chill out and work my way back down to Earth. I had taken Molly twice before but it had been a while and I had forgotten how horny it can make you. By the time I got inside I found myself firing up the laptop without even thinking about it. I also knew exactly where I was headed once I started opening folders. My mother in the shower.

It had been so long since I had indulged in a viewing so that, in combination with the drugs, my hands were shaking by the time I got to it's location in the depths of the archive. My dick was also fighting its way through my shorts and I hadn't so much as touched it. I paused though. I kept my files decently organized and labeled and my porn was no different. No sense in wasting time searching for that perfect clip you just have to bust a nut to.

There was an unlabeled folder next to the shower clip of my mom with the default title of "New Folder". I double clicked on it and what I found inside blew my fucking mind...

It was my mother... wearing and modeling the black lace bra and thong I had found in the laundry room that day. 12 still images I had not seen before and certainly had not captured. My heart raced.

She stood in various poses, obviously having used the cameras timer. I tried to keep my hand steady on the track pad as I processed what I was seeing. I let out a long exhale as I clicked through them trying not to rush. The poses started off almost shyly or embarrassed but seemed to grow in sexuality as they progressed, perhaps as she gained confidence after viewing the results on the back of the camera.

They were mostly frontal shots with slight pose adjustments here and there but towards the latter half she was reclining on the bed in one, a close up of her face looking lustfully into the lens while biting her lower lip and then a low shot facing up from behind perfectly framing her ass as she looked down and over her shoulder. I could not believe what I was seeing and almost blew my load right there.

But then I got to the last one... as if taken exactly from my memory of her in the shower the first time I spied on her, she stood with arched back, perfect chest thrust out, arms extended up and behind as her hands ran through her hair in what I always thought of as the super model pose.

I had but to simply lay my hands on my dick and I came with such force it caught me completely by surprise, even landing a few drops on the screen. I sat there for several minutes in total satisfaction mixed with complete shock.

I eventually came back around and began to click back and forth through the photo set, stopping on each one and studying intently. All the while stroking myself and preparing for a 2nd round. A 3rd, 4th, 5th... there was no way I was sleeping that night.

After I had worn myself raw and come down a bit from the sheer power the photos had over me I began to process their possible reasons for even existing and how they had found their way to the person who would appreciate them most in the world.

At one end of the spectrum I speculated that maybe Shelly and Rachel had been involved. Perhaps encouraging her to take them to make her feel more confident and poised to reenter the dating scene. May haps the were even the photographers for the shoot.

But the more I considered that I dismissed it. If they were that involved there would be less shy awkwardness in the beginning as they would be directing her and even the possibility of their presence in the photos.

What I kept latching onto, although I dared not let my hopes get too carried away, was that she had taken them for me. Was that possible? Could she have discovered my lust for her and not been appalled? But intrigued? Intrigued enough to possibly meet me half way?

My heart and mind raced at the possibility. And how had they found their way onto my hard drive? I know they weren't there the day I found out she had copied my porn stash to her hard drive.

So in the last few days before my departure she had taken a secret sexy photo shoot and made sure they were on my hard drive when I departed... That was all the confirmation I needed.

My mom was not only NOT horrified by me but had similar intentions. Or was at least willing to indulge my lust on some level. Maybe she didn't want to fuck me but she was flattered enough to play along, to give me just a little more of what I desired. I could not believe it. And I was so mad at myself for taking this long to find her carefully placed gift.

And suddenly her distance over Christmas made so much more sense. Granted some of that was on me, pulling back in my own way but she must've been confused and disappointed that I in no way had acknowledged the effort she had put forth in sharing how she felt. It must've felt humiliating in a sense and that made me feel rotten to the core. I had to talk to her and soon.

Maybe not come right out and tell her I'd discovered her gift but I had to talk to her and maybe make plans to come home after my summer gig. I would have a few weeks before school started again and would make the drive home to see her. Yes, that was a solid plan and I rested easier that night than I had in a long time.

Cell service was spotty in the park so I had to wait until my next day off to take the hour drive to the closet area with coverage. Those three days were the longest I'd endured in sometime and it made me a little edgy.

Mike picked up on it and tried to suss out what was bothering me. He mentioned coming off Molly can lead to a rough couple days and I indulged him in thinking that was the case. That was definitely part of it but I knew I was antsy to speak with my mom. I still wasn't sure what I was even going to say.

The day finally arrived and I hopped in my truck to make the short journey. I parked and hiked up the small hill that was the spot for decent cell service. I had made this trip a few times over the summer but definitely not enough in retrospect. I dialed her number and listened to the ringing while trying to compose my script.

All of it went out the window when she answered with an enthusiastic greeting. I melted and even began to choke up for a brief second. I just launched into how much I had missed her and couldn't wait to come see her after my gig ended late August. There was hesitation in her response but not for any reason I would've guessed. She would not be home at the end of August because Shelly and Rachel were taking her with them to Burning Man...

I had known about Burning Man for years. Mom used to go often before she had me, that was actually where her and my good for nothing father had hooked up. So I had mixed feelings about it.

I knew it was one of the wildest parties on the planet, 8 days of camping on a dry lake bed in the Nevada desert amongst the most radical interactive art installations and creative people. Thousands of people attend and when its assembled and in full swing it becomes the 3rd largest city in Nevada. Sexually charged and drug fueled but not without a solid spiritual component as well. You could easily lose your mind or find your god in Black Rock City.

Mom had not been back since having me but spoke more and more highly of it as I got older and the stain my father had put on her experience wore thin. I knew she had been wanting to go but I'd kind of forgotten in the midst of my confused feelings over the last year that it was on her radar.

I was genuinely stoked for her, I knew it was a special place to her which she was quick to remind me, led to my creation. In that way it was special to me even though I had never been. I always wanted to go and assumed I would with her someday. Her friends had surprised her with tickets which were not cheap or easy to come by. I was jealous and bitter and in the back of my mind feared the worst. That she would meet someone special.

Love flowed freely out there and it was not uncommon to meet folks that you would know the rest of your life and I just knew my window had closed. My grief was immeasurable. But I also realized in that moment that I had no leg to stand on. My perceived possession of her was nothing but a fantasy construct I had created. She was her own person and it wasn't fair of me to think she should take my feelings into concern, however taboo. Not to mention in her eyes, I had shunned her gift.

She had let me know in her own way her willingness to explore our attraction and I had slept on it and dropped the ball. I bit back my raw emotions, wished her a fantastic time and promised to check in again before she left. I walked back to my truck, utterly defeated.

Mike picked up on my sour mood right away and expressed his concern. We had become good friends over the summer and I appreciated his empathy. He and Tara, the hostess, had been hanging super tough since our Molly adventure and seemed to be in the start of budding romance. I was happy for them.

I relayed the source of my foul temperament, explaining my disappointment and envy of my mother's return to the Burn, emphasizing being bummed to not go with her and obviously leaving out my true feelings. Mike paused, grinned ear to ear and glanced at Tara who smiled just as wide. "Well buddy, I've got some good fucking news for you..."

Apparently Tara was an experienced Burner, having been the last 5 years consecutively. And she had extra tickets for Mike and I. They had been talking about it the last few days as they're plans changed quickly having just met each other and seemed to be falling in love. I hadn't picked up on it, being so caught up in my own shit.

Tara had always purchased extra tickets, knowing that she would find the right people to give them to and potentially change their lives. And she had found us! She worked the Yosemite gig every summer and then would make her way to Burning Man because Cali made a better jumping off point to reach Nevada than from the East coast where she hailed from.

I couldn't believe our luck and said a silent thank you to the universe while audibly expressing my gratitude to Tara. She was just as stoked as we were to have met us and teamed up for this adventure. I couldn't wait to tell my mom.

We had a considerable amount of work to do to get ready. They call it a city but its heavily reliant on its citizens being entirely self sufficient. With the exception of porta pottys, not much is provided in the way of basic necessity. That means bringing all your own food, water, fuel and shelter. And packing it all back out again when you leave, trash too. We were experienced campers no doubt, but there was a bit of extra care involved in prepping for this adventure.

One major factor to consider is the dust. It gets into absolutely everything, especially during total white out storms where the visibility drops to zero. Its part of the charm and challenge of attending but can ruin your experience if you're not prepared.

Goggles and a mask of some form are a must and a simple tent plopped on the ground simply won't do. The high winds will send the dust right under the rain fly and you'll be sleeping in a pile of silt after one solid gust. What's most common is some form of RV or camper.

Tara would be camping out of her CR-V with Mike so I started to ask around the park if anyone had a camper shell for sale for the back of my truck. I struck gold when an old timer had a lead outside the park on a proper drop-in the bed style camper.

Completely self contained with a sleeping space and small kitchen area, it would be more than perfect. It was older and not in the best shape interior wise but the outside was solid and the seller assured me there were no leaks.

It took 1/2 the money I'd made that summer but I bought it without hesitation. Seller even had a forklift attachment for his front end loader and dropped it right in the bed of my truck, perfect fit. I couldn't believe how this was all coming together and decided to call my mom on the way back to the park.

Her pause when I told her I would see her on the Playa spoke volumes. Her words became slightly more airy and sensual somehow, I knew I was probably reading too much into it but there seemed to be a genuine sense of relief in her voice.