The Choices We Make

"What about Christmas then?"

"What about it?"

"Are you planning anything? Will I be included?"

"That depends entirely on you, Louise."

"Mark, if you'd just talk to me!"

His eyes turned to ice as he glared to me, and I knew his body language well enough he was on the verge of exploding. I'd never made my husband angry before the night of that requested. Sure, I'd probably annoyed him constantly about little things, but anger? He'd never even raised his voice for a second in my direction.

"There has been nothing to talk about since the night you made your request and the next night when I was practically forced into agreeing. You made your thoughts and feelings about our marriage perfectly clear, Louise."

"I miss you, Mark. I want my husband with me. I can't remember the last time we did anything together. I can't remember the last time we shared a bed and made love."

"And that's your fault, Louise. I refuse to sleep or be intimate with a wife who wants to share herself with other men."

"But you agreed to this!"

He looked at me and started to chuckle, shaking his head. "You still don't get it, do you? I never wanted any of this. I wanted my wife to stay loyal to me. But noooo, you just had to go out and have your fun. Go and fuck a few other men. By doing that, Louise, you gave up practically all privileges regarding my role within the marriage. It was either agree to the open marriage or have my wife slut it up and go out and cheat on me. Either way, I would have lost in the end."

"I would never have cheated on you, Mark."

"Yes, you would have. You were ever so eager to fuck other guys, I know you had at least one man in mind when making your request. Don't take me for a fool, Louise."

"You're sleeping with other woman too, Mark. Don't make this all about me."

"What's good for the goose is good for the gander. I wasn't going to just mope around at home while you were out fucking anything with a dick." He stepped towards me as his anger flowed. "I know it was your fucking slut friend, Janet, who filled your head with all this bullshit. Kept up to date with her lately? Her husband finally kicked her skank arse to the kerb. Learned quite a bit from him. She was out fucking to her heart's content. He was expected to stay at home, mind the kids, and practically be a cuckold. You know she started to bring men home and fuck them while he was in the house?"

I felt my jaw drop. I'd barely spoken to Janet in months by now, but I'd never expected her to disrespect her own husband in such a manner. All the other friends I'd been out with I hadn't heard from at all. But I also remembered what I was told before all this started, how they'd go out and have fun, while the husbands... My head dropped as I realised Mark had it all figured out, and he'd probably had it figured out from the very start.

"I don't know exactly what they would have said, Louise," he said, the anger in his voice gone, now just void of emotion, "But I can take a few guesses and know I'd hit the mark more often than not. You took the word of a few sluts and, by making your request, you blew up our marriage, our home, and everything that had one made our union so special. And there's no going back to what we once had." He stepped forward again. "Why, Louise? You've never explained why. Was I a bad husband? Was I a bad lover? Did I make you unhappy? If you wanted a divorce..."

"I was bored..."

"Not good enough, Louise. Boredom is no excuse to tell your husband you want to fuck other men. Try again."

I met his eyes, his figure slightly blurry as my eyes filled with tears. The problem was I still couldn't explain it, at least without torching what remained of our marriage. I'd had long enough to figure out I'd made an incredibly selfish request, forced him into an arrangement he didn't like, and I'd taken bad advice from friends who I should have realised didn't have the best of intentions regarding my marriage.

"Because Janet and the girls were out having fun, meeting handsome men, enjoying some carefree sex, acting like they were twenty-one again. And I found it appealing, okay? Every night we went out, they'd fill my head with all the things I could be doing if we had an open marriage. I could meet other men, drink, dance, snog and maybe even fuck them. Janet would talk constantly about all the men with big cocks. Annie would wax lyrical about men who would happily fuck a married woman and never see her again. My head was filled with stories about all the advantages and possibilities."

"And what did they say about the poor little husband who was expected to deal with it?"

I lowered my head again. It was time to be honest with him. "Janet said it was never meant to be a fair arrangement," I whispered, "She said when offered the chance, men would leap at it, believing they'd get all the pussy in the world, but it was the wives who would actually be going out, hooking up with guys, while the men... Well, I'm sure you know by now."

"I never wanted anyone else, Louise," he said sadly, "Until that night, I was a happily married man, in love and devoted to his wife. And I would have done nearly anything to make her happy. But you're request showed a complete disrespect for me as your husband and showed your true thoughts about our marriage."

I sighed to myself. We hadn't had a conversation this long since the night he'd agreed to this arrangement, but I was left thinking this was the death knell of our marriage. I knew there was no coming back now. His love for me was gone, at least in regards for me as his wife.

"What do we do, Mark?"

"Keep this arrangement going until the kids are eighteen. Then we decide what to do."

I knew what he wanted to do, and I burst into tears. What I didn't expect was for his arms to surround me, and that just broke me completely, collapsing against him, my legs almost going out from underneath me, as I held onto him for dear life. I knew he didn't love me, but somewhere in his heart, I guess he still didn't want to see his wife crying. The love may have gone, but I guess the hate had gone as well.

"We'll spend Christmas together, Louise," he finally said, "But I'm now living my own life. Our marriage is pretty much over. You should realise that by now. You're trying to hold onto something that's withered and died over the past year and more."

"And even if I stopped everything?"

"You're a different woman now to the one I married. And I'm definitely not the man you once married, nor am I the same man you made that request of."

"I don't want to lose you, Mark. You're my husband, and no matter what you think, I still love you."

I felt him sigh though, to my delight, he didn't let me go, his hand still gently caressing my back. But he remained silent. Maybe, for the first time in a while, he didn't want to say anything he knew would hurt me. I already knew the truth. He didn't actually need to say anything else. I knew what he was thinking, what he was going to do in the end, and I understood there was likely nothing I could do to stop it. And I couldn't hate him for it.

He finally let me go and stepped back, allowing me space to wipe my eyes. Meeting his eyes, there was no real warmth to them, but he seemed to understand my emotions. "Want to have dinner?" he asked.

I nearly started crying again. We hadn't shared dinner alone together for far too long. I managed a smile as we prepared something simple but filling in rather quick time, finding myself impressed by how good my husband was now in the kitchen. Sitting down to eat, conversation was awkward, and certain topics were definitely off-limits, but after he'd had a couple of beers, we started to reminisce about times past.

"You know, I haven't asked where the kids are?" I finally asked.

"Zara is out with friends. Matthew is at a sleepover with some friends. I was just enjoying a night to myself."

"Oh..."

"It's okay, Louise. I think we needed this conversation tonight."

"Does Zara hate me?"

He shook his head. "No, she's doesn't hate you, Louise. She's daddy's little girl and doesn't like the fact her mother has a boyfriend."

"And what does she think about daddy having a girlfriend?" I retorted. He actually managed a slight grin at that.

"Well, I think she's a little jealous as, if not Emily, she was certainly showered with attention during the first few months."

"Do you love Emily, Mark?"

"You know I love Emily. She's been my best friend most of my life."

"Are you with her now?" I asked quietly.

"No. She's been by my side as a means of support. She won't be with me until we're divorced."

I couldn't stop more tears as I wiped my cheeks. "Do you mean that? A divorce, I mean?"

"Are you really happy in our marriage, Louise? This is the longest conversation we've had in over a year, and the longest we've been in the presence of each other in months."

"I'd give everything up to have things like they were."

"But you can't wind back a clock, Louise. What's done is done."

But he changed the topic, and he invited me to share a drink in what he called his quarters. It was lovingly designed, incredibly warm and it was little wonder the kids loved to spend their time there with him. We shared a bottle of wine, continuing to talk about the past. It was better than talking about the present or the future. When I snuggled into him, and his arm wrapped around me, I rested my head on his chest.

When I woke the next morning and felt a pair of arms around me, I opened my eyes to see my husband was fast asleep. I realised I probably got a little bit drunk, though disappointment hit me when I realised that I wasn't naked and didn't have that tingle between my legs that we'd made love the night before. The thought of having made love to my husband the previous night...

Mark opened his eyes and was surprised to see me for a few seconds. Then he actually smiled at me. "Guess we had a bit to drink last night... Though we're both still clothed so..."

"I don't have that tell-tale sign you made love to me, Mark." Snuggling closer, I asked, "Would you be interested?"

"When did you last have sex?"

"Over a week ago." He raised eyebrows at that. "Not to say I haven't masturbated since I got home." When I felt movement, I couldn't help smiling. "Guess that idea still excites you."

"Never stopped finding you attractive, Louise. You're still a beautiful woman."

"You mean that?"

"Of course. Not going to lie to you about something like that."

Resting a hand on his chest, I met his eyes. "Mark... I know you don't particularly love me, but would you like to fuck your wife? We haven't done anything in over a year. I really miss being with you. I really miss feeling you inside me."

He sighed and pulled me tighter to his body, whispering he was sorry. I whispered back for him to never apologise. I still remembered that part of our arrangement. He'd shut off a part of himself from me, and he could no longer give that part to me. "Thank you for saying I'm still beautiful," I whispered.

Getting up for work, I had to take a moment just to check out his body. He was even more toned than I could remember as he walked around in only his underwear. I had to get up and follow him simply to keep my eyes on him. He turned and smirked as he realised what I was doing. "Never stopped going to the gym, but I spent a lot of time there for a number of months," he explained.

"You're looking very fit, Mark," I said as my eyes just drank him in. What amused me was the fact he started to blush ever so slightly, "I mean, you always kept yourself in good condition, but your girlfriends are very lucky."

"You, um, know... You know about that?"

"I know you're not celibate, Mark. And Zara has told me more than once..."

"Want me to talk to her?"

"No, that's not necessary. I understood why."

He disappeared for a shower before he dressed and had a quick breakfast. As he was leaving, I stopped him and asked if I could have a hug. He lowered his bag and, for the first time in over a year, cuddled me. I held him as tightly as possible, not wanting to let him go. In a way, this was a symbol of the end. A final hug before he left, but I knew one day, we might share a hug for the final time before our marriage ended.

"I love you, Mark," I whispered, resting my head against his firm chest, "I never stopped loving you. Not for a second."

He didn't reply. I guess he didn't want to hurt my feelings so early in the morning. What he did do was lean back and his fingers gently caressed my cheek, and his eyes were soft and warm, the same eyes that I'd seen through our marriage. Kissing my forehead, he let me go, wished me a good day, before he walked out the front door. I followed him to the doorway, watching him get behind the wheel of his ute. I couldn't help myself as I waved, and he tooted the horn once he'd backed out, ready to drive away.

*****

Mark

"You're eighteen now, sweetheart," I told my daughter, "And Matthew is sixteen. I think it's time."

"Are you finally going to divorce her?"

"You don't have to sound so excited about the idea, Zara."

"Daddy, your marriage has been a sham for far too long. And you deserve to be happy with someone who will love you."

"I'll need to let Matthew know. And when your mother is back, I'll sit her down and give her the paperwork. I'd rather it be a joint application, so it goes through quicker without too many delays. Your mother is aware I want a divorce, so hopefully this won't come as too much of a shock."

"Have you told Emily?"

"Yes. She wanted to wait until we were divorced, but we've both waited long enough to be together. I'll discuss with your mother about living arrangements and everything else."

Louise hadn't lied to our son, at least. Ever since she started her relationship with Tom, learning his name from our son, she would spend time with him on his trips, but she was home more often than not when she wasn't away. We managed to spend Christmas together and it was almost a reminder of years gone by. I warned my side of the family to be friendly, while her side of the family seemed to be at least slightly sympathetic towards me.

That one night we shared, where we'd talked for longer than we had in over a year, did help thaw my feelings towards her. I'd go so far as to say we were friends again, but the love and intimacy was gone. But we could be around each other, in the same room, and could easily talk to one another. I knew she still loved me and had hope that perhaps I'd rediscover my love for her. While my feelings were more positive than in recent months, I couldn't love her like I once had.

She arrived home a couple of nights later, and I gave her a couple of days to unwind. I wasn't going to be cruel and slam her with a divorce petition as soon as she was in the door. The hate I'd felt for her in those early months had long ago disappeared. Finding girlfriends of my own even had me understanding her though only to a point. It was Emily that kept me on an even keel most of the time.

Sitting down for dinner as a family one evening, I was pleased that Zara was now being pleasant to her mother. I had a feeling it was due to her knowing what was on a horizon, but she was being genuine enough. As for Matthew, he'd always loved his mother, though I'd also warned him about what was coming. He was upset though understood that it was needed so his mother and I could both move on with our lives.

Once I was left alone with Louise, I asked her to wait at the table as I retrieved the paperwork, placing it in front of her once I'd sat down. She immediately started to cry as she knew what it was without looking at it.

"I can't apologise for doing this, Louise. The only thing that could have perhaps been done differently was to do this after twelve months. But I stayed here because I wanted to be here for the kids, and once I let the hate go, and I had my own life going, I didn't mind sharing the house with you. Neither of us brought lovers back here to soil what was once our bed together, and we've never flaunted our other relationships." I took her hand and squeezed it. "Read over the paperwork and, if you agree, we can submit it as a joint application. Zara is now eighteen so no longer considered a child. Matthew is sixteen. I believe it would be better if he remained living here, in his home, until he's eighteen."

"And what do we do?"

"That's up to you, Louise." I took a deep breath, squeezed her hand, and made sure she was looking into my eyes when I added, "I'm going to be with Emily. Once we're divorced, I'm going to propose to her. I'm more than likely going to move in with her. Regarding this house, you can either buy me out or we can sell it."

"Are you going to stay here?"

"I have no plans to leave yet, Louise. I don't know what your plans are going to be afterwards, but with our children grown, I feel it's time for us both to move on with our own lives."

"I never wanted this, Mark," she whispered, wiping her cheeks with her free hand.

"I know that, Louise. I know you only wanted it to last a little while. But it's still going on, and I've already told the other women I'm involved with that I will be divorcing you and moving on with the woman I'm in love with." I knew those words would hurt, and they did, as Louise cried a little harder. I wasn't heartless and remained holding her hand, which she squeezed tightly. "If it was a year ago, Louise, I'd be saying things to break your heart further and really hurt you. I don't want to do that now. I want to end our marriage on good terms, if that's possible."

"I guess she's going to win in the end," she muttered, "Emily warned me about breaking your heart."

"She's always looked out for my best interests. And I guess you know I've done the same considering how I've handled a couple of her ex-partners."

"Can we... Can we remain friends, Mark?"

"We're friends now, aren't we?" That made her look at me and smile. "We've been closer the past few months than we were in for the twelve months after that request. We're now nearly two years on. Our relationship is nothing like it was, and it was never going to be the same. But we have two kids together and that will always link us."

"When will you move out?"

"I'll agree a date with Emily if you'd like me to move out. If you want me to stay, I will, but you will have to accept that Emily will be visiting, and I won't be hiding our relationship from you any longer."

"Not sure I can handle seeing that," Louise whispered.

"Then I'll go, Louise. It's okay. We've already talked about it and she's excited about having me with her full-time."

"She really loves you, doesn't she?"

"I haven't regretted anything about our relationship until that night, Louise. I fell in love with you, and marrying you was the best day of my life. The birth of our two children will always be equal to that. I still don't regret anything either. I loved you with all my heart for so long."

"And I threw it all away."

"Look over the paperwork. I'll send it back once you've signed it. I'll talk to Emily and agree on a date for me to move out."

Standing up, she stood up too and slammed into my chest. She wasn't crying too much. I hugged her in return, caressing her back. I understood that I'd just broken her heart in return. I knew she'd been living in hope that we could save our marriage. But she was also aware that I'd spoken about divorce more than once.

Heading to my own area of the house that night, I called Emily and let her know that I'd handed the paperwork to Louise. She tried not to sound too excited when asking when I'd be moving in with her. I knew I'd be moving out of the house as Emily owned her house and was eager for me to move in. Leaving the house that I owned to Louise didn't bother me as I knew she'd agree to sell it once Matthew was old enough.