All Comments on 'The Game of Smoke and Desire'

Yes!!! Part 2 please

it is a story that needs to expand and come to and finish

I would like to read more plz

Keep going well done

More please.

You start out saying you bought two cigars. Then it changed to you shared two cigarettes. Then your sister has a cigarette, then yoou are sharing the smoke from a cigar. Be consistent. It really ruins the flow of the story when you don't.

As long as you don’t Lewinsky the cigar, you should go on. Have them smoke naked at midnight. With no touching.

Well done!

Lots of using words somewhat inappropriately until I came to "she was donned in her long nightgown." Your thesaurus has defiled your prose!

. . . "more of a friend than a kin" perhaps than kin . . .

How can Salma keep an eye for you if you are following her up the stairs?

"her retreating figure" Salma is ahead of you, leading you towards the roof.

This is so bizarre that you have drowned yourself with words deeper than your ability.

Oh yes, the cigars, two of them, became cigarettes. In case you didn't know, cigar smoke I'd significantly more dense than the smoke of/from a cigarette.

Your story is sound, your writing is not. Perhaps you could improve your offerings by dumping it down, not a bit, but a lot.

This is, actually, a better than average story suffering due to your style. So I went with a three ( 3 ) rating as it averaged my feelings.

Your story is a good one, worthy of a follow up chapter 2 follow up. I noticed other commentors caught the cigar/cigarette mix-up, but you've tarnished the story by using fifty cent words when a more common word would be just as effective. PLEASE have someone read and edit any of your future stories before you publish them.

thank you all. I appreciate your feedback

Not bad. Although you had a few issues with keeping location (you talked about being on the roof of the house, then changed to an almost dirt-filled area), and the fact that there is a distinct difference between cigars and cigarettes (pick one or the other). Otherwise, I say this is a nice start to a story that leaves a lot of room for a sequel. Will they, won't they, how? Either way, I encourage you to finish this story. can't wait to see the end.