The Liberation of Amy

I entered the house as quietly as I could, but encountered Jessica in the entrance to the living room. I knew her better than anyone else on earth and I could tell right away I was in real trouble.

"What in the hell, is going on with this Nanny business without asking me or even telling me what you are up to?"

I didn't say anything yet, I knew better. I learned as a child that I had to let her vent awhile before I spoke so I just put on my contrite look and took it like a man.

"...and how in the hell did you find a nanny who would work for room and board. What kind of nanny would work for just room and board instead of a wages have you gone completely out of your mind. Did you get references and recommendations?"

"Yes, she showed me a whole big envelope full of references and stuff."

" 'SHE showed you?' Oh God, Gordon.those could be fake. Did you at least go through some agency?"

I cringed, "No, she came to me."

"SHE CAME TO YOU? Oh for crying out loud, Gordon, you've been caught up in some kind of scam. She found your name in the obituary and is after your money.

"I don't have any money."

"Well your house then"

"All they would get is a mortgage that is underwater!"

"Well, she's after something! Who is this bimbo anyway? Are you sleeping with her?"

"Wait a minute," I had to answer her now, "that isn't right, you haven't even met her. She isn't a bimbo!"

"I don't think I really want to meet her but if she is going to be in contact with my kids..."

"MY kids," I interrupted

Jess glowered at me, "...YOUR kids, then I better meet the gold digging bitch!

"Quiet she'll hear you" I warned speaking in a half whisper.

"SHE'S HERE?" Screamed Jessica. She was really on a roll now. "Oh my God, Gordon have you lost your mind? What are you thinking? We were doing just fine with the kids, what the hell are you messing things up for?"

Finally I'd had it. I was getting mad and would soon say things that I didn't mean and hurt the only member left of my immediate family.

"LOOK! It is ultimately my responsibility not yours!" I knew that would hurt her feelings. Jess had been great with the kids since Sara had abandoned them and felt like they were hers as well, but I had to set her in her place! "I know you have done a great job helping me but it is time you got on with your life with Ray, he seems like a good man! Amy has tons of references all of which says she's practically a goddam 'Mary Poppins'. 'We are doing just fine,' is that what you said? Jessica, I have been like a raw piece of meat on a hook for almost two years now and I finally have a good break and feel some peace after failing Sara so badly..." and that is where I lost it. I broke down and started crying. I hadn't cried since Mom had died and now the entire misery of the last few years crashed on my head and I couldn't hold it together any longer.

Jessica stood gaping at me for a minute longer then her expression softened and soon tears filled her eyes and she rushed to hold me. I cried a good five minutes, the strain and tension from the last months rending my soul and pouring out into the room.

"Oh Gordy, I'm so sorry. I know it has been tough on you, I have enjoyed being a mommy figure a little too much I guess."

After I had stopped crying, Jess continued to hold me a while longer rubbing my back and gently swaying back and forth.

"I'm okay now." I said finally.

"So she is right outside, right now?"

"Yes, Ray is keeping her company. Are the kids up from nap yet?"

"I think Grace may be awake but Gordy is asleep or was until all the racket." She looked sheepishly at me and smiled a little,

"Let me introduce Amy to you...Ray, you can bring Amy in now." I called out.

The door opened and Amy stepped in. Not until that moment did I consider the effect that she may have on Jess. I had almost forgotten how much she looked like Sara.

"OH, MY GOD!" gasped Jess loudly, she nearly fell over backward, had it not been for Ray who had come to stand by her, she would have. "What the hell Gordy? Who is she?" Jess looked like she had seen a ghost.

"This is Amy James, she is Sara's mother...the children's grandma."

"But Sara doesn't have any family."

"She evidently didn't want anyone to know about me," spoke Amy extending her hand to Jessica. "I think I almost sent Gordon to the hospital when I showed up at his door yesterday." She smiled and glanced at me.

"Sara didn't know about Amy until she was older and then blamed her for giving her up when she was born." I explained.

"Basically," continued Amy, "there is more to the story, but that would be best to leave for another time."

Jessica finally shook Amy's hand, then drew her in and hugged her. Jessica always had a sense about someone's painful past, even when she didn't know the details, I think she must have seen the pain behind Amy's eyes when she talked of Sara.

"I'll get the kids, Gordy come help me, please."

I followed Jess to the kids's bedroom. She stopped in the hallway and turned to me, "My God Gordon she looks so much like Sara, I just about peed my pants, you could have warned me," she whispered.

"I'm sorry, She looks and even sounds like Sara but she is so much more vibrant and animated than Sara ever was. I really like her, I think the kids will too."

Jess looked at me suspiciously, "You aren't starting to fall for her are you? Because that would be a little weird."

"I've only known her for about 24 hours." I replied, I didn't tell her about the hug from earlier today.

"Keep your head on straight, Gordon. She looks young for a grandma!"

"She was repeatedly raped by her step father and had Sara when she was just 14 years old. Then the bastard wouldn't let her keep her baby and left Sara to go through the hell she experienced in her foster homes."

"Oh Jesus!" Jess exclaimed and put her hand over her mouth. She is a Christian so the exclamation wasn't meant as a swear word.

"I think she must be about 36 or 37 but she looks much younger." I conjectured.

"Yes, my immediate impression was that she must be Sara's sister, it was a stunner that she is her mother."

"She wants to have a relationship with her grand kids, Jess, she is willing to live with us and help with feeding and caring for the kids and me. She comes with great references. I've seen them. Give her a chance."

"I don't see that I have a choice. I would like to get to know her better."

"Well, so would I."

"Watch yourself, Gordon, she's not just any woman. She is your deceased wife's mother, as young as she looks, AND she looks so much like Sara that it could be confusing for you. Be careful of your feelings."

I hadn't thought about that. It is a bit confusing. I already have some feelings germinating in me that may be residual feelings for Sara. I would do well to examine them to figure out my own heart. It wasn't just a bit confusing, it was damn well confusing!

We continued into the kid's bedroom and as Jess had predicted Gracie was awake but lying in the bed playing with her dolly "Maggy".

"Hi Daddy," smiled Gracie and raised her arms for me to pick her up. I never refused her, they are so soon too big to hold and soon enough don't want that kind of attention. I picked her up and the best feeling in the world wrapped her little arms around my neck and kissed my cheek. "I missed you, daddy. Are we going home now?"

"Yes, Gracie we'll go home as soon as you give your Auntie Jess a hug and a kiss."

Gordy woke up as we entered the room, and began to whimper. He had felt the upset of the last few days and had been out of sorts. He normally would wake up with a smile and babble only knows what. He had whole conversations in some language I didn't know. Gordy wanted to be held, too. I was still able to pick them both up but it was inevitable that they would soon be too big for such family 'get togethers'. But until I could no longer do it, I was game. I loved when they both cuddled into my neck and laughed when I pinched their chubby little legs.

"I have a new friend that I want you to meet."

"Is it Tracy?" Asked Gracie, in her small voice.

"No, it's not Tracy, Tracy is not a new friend.

Amy stood as I carried my precious baggage into Jess's living room. They were both giggling and talking as we arrived making Amy smile and I noted a tear form in the corner of her eyes. I put Gracie down as she looked up at Amy. Her blue eyes grew in amazement.

"She's mommy but with happy eyes!" She squealed with delight and rushed into Amy's arms and hugged her tightly. Amy had tears running down her cheeks but her smile was full of joy. I had a knot in my throat too.

Gordy wanted down too, but his desire to get close to Amy was tempered by his shyness. He took a couple of steps toward her then whimpered and scooted behind my legs. He grabbed hold of my pant leg and peered around at Amy, who smiled and extended an inviting arm toward him. I had to nudge him a little but at last he extended his little hand out to hers and she gently pulled him into her arms with his sister. Amy was overcome with joy and actually sobbed a little.

I saw Jess wipe her eyes and she slipped her arm around my waste.

"You know, this may work out fine after all," she spoke through her tears. "I'll get their stuff together." Jess began to busy herself packing the kid's extra cloths and bottles into the ubiquitous diaper bag.

Amy reluctantly began to extricate herself from the tight grasp of the two love hungry toddlers.

"Let's go home." She said to Gracie.

"Are you going to live at my house?"

"Yes, I am. Will that be alright with you?"

Gracie looked at her and took her hand. "Um huh, I'll show you my room."

"I'll look at it with you as soon as we get there."

Gracie began to lead Amy toward the front door. I handed her dolly to her and said "Don't forget Maggie." Gracie clutched her dolly in one arm while she led Amy through the front door.

"You better kiss your Auntie Jess," reminded Amy and loosened herself from Gracie's grip.

"Good bye, Aunt Jess, I love you," and she raised her face to receive Jess's kiss. Jess scooped up Gordy and kissed and nuzzled him to his gleeful giggles and laughter. I took my son from Jess's arms to place him in his car seat. He immediately began to fuss. Amy leaned over him after buckling Gracie into her seat and began humming in his ear as she stroked the sides of his head around his ears. Gordon went still as if listening to a lost memory as Amy hummed and caressed him. Soon he was cooing and babbling.

"That was amazing!" I exclaimed, "He's never calmed that quickly!"

Amy just smiled and kissed his forehead. She came around and was about to slide in the seat next to me when she stopped and stepped toward Jess. She spoke a few words I couldn't quite make out then the two women hugged and waved goodbye.

"What did you say to her?" I asked Amy.

"Oh, just woman talk, we're going to be the best of friends."

*******

When we arrived home, I took Gordy as Amy released Gracie who was struggling to learn how to unfasten the seat belt. Inside, Amy went straight to the kitchen and started preparing the dinner she had planned for us while I got the kids in the tub to take a bath. They loved bathing together and played, splashed and laughed. I dried them up and sent them off to play until Amy had dinner ready. I followed Gordy as he toddled into the living room. He had been walking for a little over a week and walked with his arms raised above his head and staggered like a drunken sailor. I plopped myself down in the middle of the floor and my darlings piled on me like a giant that needed to be pinned down, laughing and squealing when I pinched their behinds, toes and knees. We played like that until I was out of breath and as I stood, they glommed onto my legs to ride my feet as I walked away. I could barely lift my leg with Gracie attached which made me sad that soon this special play would be coming to an end.

"Do the giant, Daddy, Do the Giant!" Gracie shrieked.

"Madle glagee dada wongie," squealed Gordy. I didn't understand him but by his laughter I surmised that he too wanted the "Giant".

So I roared my biggest and deepest roar and spoke in as big a voice as I could muster, "FE, FI, FO, FACIE, I'm going to stomp and tickle GRACIE!" With that I reached down and tickled Gracie which caused her to squirm away from my hand on one side and then the other. screaming and laughing the whole time.

"FE, FI, FO (Gordy began to squeal loudly knowing he was next) FORDY, I gonna steal the nose off GORDY!" I pinched his little nose and tickled his neck and under his arms. It was too much for him and he let go, rolling across the floor into Amy's feet.

"My! What a lot of racket! Is anyone here hungry?" Amy exclaimed and began laughing a the site of us. She scooped up Gordy and laughed as he wiggled in her arms. She hugged him close, unable to resist his cherub cheeks and rosy nose and pinched it again softly and stuck her thumb out between her knuckles, "I got your nose!" She cried with her big eyes opened wide in mock amazement.

Gordy put his hand on his nose then reached for Amy's hand.

Amy said, "Oh look, I already have a nose so here I'm going to give this back to you!" And she pinched his nose again.

She stood up straight and put her hands on her hips, "Dinner is ready to eat," she declared and headed toward the dining area. It was obvious we were expected to follow so we got up and followed her into the dining area. I came along side Amy, who looked at me with pride and smiled. It made me feel good that she was proud of me as a Dad and perhaps as a man. Sara had never looked at me with that look, and now it felt good. It warmed my heart that she so honored me, and I wanted her to look at me like that all the time.

"Let me guess where each of you sit." She said as if decoding a great puzzle. "Gordy is easy. He is the only one who gets a high chair. So this one is Gordy's." Amy picked him up and set him in the chair and strapped him in. I'll bet the one next to him on the end is Daddies chair so he can keep a watch on Gordy. Am I right?

"Correct on both so far!" I spoke up.

"Now the next one is harder, I'll bet this one...". She walked over behind the chair on the other side of mine facing Gordy, "is Gracies seat because it is also close to Daddy but on the other side.''

"Where are you going to sit?" shouted Gracie with unbridled excitement to have someone new sit with us for dinner. "Please sit next to me, Please!"

"Alright Gracie, I'll sit next to you!" Amy leaned over and gave Gracie a little kiss on the forehead, "Do we give thanks for our meal?" I cringed. Sara had trained us all to say grace but in her absence from our home, I had let the custom slide. I was just so busy making the food I rarely sat when the kids sat. But now Amy looked expectantly about the table and we all bowed our heads. "Tomorrow Daddy will either lead the prayer or call on someone to pray but for now I'll ask Gracy? Can you pray for us Gracy?

Gracie folded her little hands in front of her face and closed her eyes and in the most sincere angelic voice began:

"Thank you for the World so sweet,

Than you for the food we eat,

Thank you for the birds that sing,

Thank you God for everything.

...and thank you God for Daddy and Mommy."

Then she looked up with pride and smiled at Amy.

I looked intently at my little angel, then at Amy. Amy had tears in her eyes. Neither of us corrected Gracie. We looked at each other and smiled. I felt a little guilty that I didn't clear up the confusion with her but she is just three. She has at this moment, sitting at our table the first real mother she will remember. Sara was a good enough mother during Gracie's infancy but thereafter was a void. She will remember almost nothing about Sara, thankfully, for her memories of her real Mom would not be good ones. So I thought "Let her have this time...there will be time enough later to face the truth." So I said nothing and just smiled at her.

"Thank you, Gracie. Where did you learn that prayer?" asked Amy.

"From Auntie Jess, she said we should always thank God when we eat"

"You are correct, Gracie. We should always thank God."

So the meal went, just like a real family two parents and two kids. I know it wasn't quite a real family, but I, like the kids, was enjoying the tranquility of the whole scene.

The new normal soon became routine, We got the kids up and fed, I got dressed for work, Amy would make a lunch for me and hand it to me at the door. I would give her a friendly hug on the way out and the kids would wave goodbye. I returned home had some play time with the kids, then sat for dinner. Then the kids were sent off to bed. I helped Amy clean up the kitchen and dishes and then retired to the living room for some TV and to read the paper. Amy would either come and sit and talk with me a while or go directly to her room to read. It was a pleasant existence.

Amy was taking on the role of a partner in the home, doing the shopping for food and clothing for the kids. Once she bought a new shirt for me that she thought would look good on me, it did and it became my favorite. She reminded me of bills that needed payment and eventually did some of the payments herself, having me sign the check before she mailed them out. I soon thought of her as an indispensable part of the family.

Amy and I had many conversations along the way, she had many stories of her former positions and the children she cared for. She told of parents that were great to work for and those she couldn't stand.

What she never mentioned was anything about her personal life. I learned of her favorite color: turquoise; her favorite food: pizza; and her favorite movies: anything black and white. I never heard her mention past loves or lovers and she only mentioned her parents that first time I met her. She would get quiet when the subject of Sara came up which wasn't often. I saw to it since it pained her so, therefore I avoided venturing into that bit of her history. I was curious as hell, but it was her personal information and not really my business.

After nearly six months of our lives together, things had stayed relatively normal, we were comfortable in our routine and our respective roles in raising my children. Then there were several things that happened within a few weeks to change everything.

One evening after the kids were in bed asleep and Amy had gone to her bedroom, I crept in to check on my children. I didn't bother to turn on the lights since a small nightlight on the wall illuminated their beds enough to see. I put my hand on Gordy's tummy as he slept and felt his gentle deep breathing, I brushed back his golden locks and kissed his forehead. He had a bruise there like usual. The kid bonked his head on everything...he was at just that table top counter height. Then I went to look at my Gracie. As she slept she reminded me of Amy and I planted a small kiss on her forehead also...then I realized that I had thought of how she reminded me of Amy instead of Sara, it was puzzling.

As I stood there, the light in the adjoining bathroom came on. The door was open about half way allowing me a full view of the small room from the reflection in the mirror. I was more or less hidden in the dark of the kid's room. Amy walked into the bath in a long silk robe of luxuriant turquoise. She seemed to be nude otherwise. She wore her long blond hair down instead of her usual pony tail. It had grown longer since she had moved in and now it fell about her shoulders.

I knew I was wrong to watch her in such a personal moment, I felt like a pervert voyeur but I was mesmerized by her grace and beauty, the easy way she moved and the flow of her hair as she washed her face with some green stuff. Sara had never allowed me to watched her do her beauty regimen so I was fascinated with every aspect.