The Long and Winding Road

I didn't realize how tightly I was gripping the steering wheel until Jazabel put her hand on mine and I saw how white my knuckles were. Gently squeezing my white knuckles, causing me to loosen my grip as I turned to look at her, she softly reassured me, "It's alright, Dad. We can do this. We can be the family we always should have been." Looking into her eyes, I nodded my ascent to this. And with a deep, loud breath, I opened my door and got out of the car. Before I could take a step towards the blue house, Jazabel was at my side and holding my hand. "The dinning room is just inside the door on the left side. You go in first and hide in there while me and mom talk. When the time is right, I'll bring you out and we'll deal with the freakout that is inevitably in our future."

Not trusting my voice right just then, I nodded and we walked across the street and up to the house. Walking up the porch steps I felt my heart rate increase, and my breathing become shallower. Jazabel squeezed my hand in reassurance as I silently opened the door. Not bothering to take my shoes off, I ran as quietly and quickly as I could into the dinning room as Kadie's voice rang from the other room and set my heart aflutter once again.

"Please, tell me that's you, Jazabel," she called out. I could hear the pain in her voice and it caused tears to form in my eyes. I held them back, not trusting myself to be quiet as I would definitely being crying more tonight.

"It's me, Mom. Stay in the kitchen, I'm coming to you." Footsteps and the sound of a chair being pushed away from the table. And then nothing but relieved crying. It took all my mental strength to not go to them and add whatever comfort I could. But after about a minute, Jazabel continued to speak, "I'm sorry about how I reacted, Mom. And I know it's not pleasant, but I need you to answer some questions for me about this whole thing, if you can."

Judging by the sounds of chairs being maneuvered, I figured that Kadie'd agreed and the two of them had sat at the table. With a deep breath, Kadie asked, "Ok, what do you want to know?"

"My father, Henry Doodlez or whatever his real name is, does he know about me?"

There was a long pause and I could see in mind Kadie trying to summon the courage to answer this question. Finally after what seemed an eternity but was probably only a minute or two, Kadie answered, "I don't know how to respond to that question."

"What do you mean 'you don't know how to respond to that'? It's a fairly simple question?" Jazabel asked and I thought I could hear an edge of anger in her voice.

"Let me explain," Kadie said. With a sniffle and an anguished breath, she continued, "I don't know who raped me. I was asleep and it was dark out and he constantly was punching me. I tried to fight and scream for help but he overpowered me and the constant blows to my head left me quite unaware of my surroundings. He left me unconscious with a serious concussion and I didn't even get any medical treatment until late the next morning when my parents came to wake me up. I've fought with myself about finding out who did this to me over the years, but have always chickened out.

"We lived in a small town; your grandparents only moved houses, not towns. Within a couple days the whole town knew what had happened to me, until my ex-boyfriend Kyle came to see me and demanded to know who did this to me. In a bout of anger and fear that I've regretted every single day, I accused him. And when he didn't deny it, I felt the worst fear at being right. Kyle was arrested, but wouldn't speak to anybody for nearly two months until he talked to me in private. By then I knew I was pregnant; and it took him all of five seconds looking at me to figure that out himself. And that was when he confessed to being my rapist.

"I know Kyle didn't rape me. I knew it in my bones the minute I saw how angry he was at how my rapist had beaten me. We loved each other, and although he'd broken my heart the year before, I still loved him. I still love him." That made my heart skip a beat and I copied Jazabel by giving a small fist pump upon hearing it, barely keeping myself from shouting joyously. Kadie continued to elaborate everything to her daughter, "Henry Doodlez, was a pen name Kyle wanted to use when he published his stories. Everything I told you about your father, about Henry Doodlez, is really about Kyle. The only thing about him that I didn't tell you truthfully was that he's alive, and he's probably out of prison now.

"I never told Kyle anything about you. Unless others told him, all he knows is that I kept you; he doesn't even know if you're a boy or a girl. I visited him twice in prison over the years and he gave no indication that he knew anything about you. So in that sense, the man I raised you to see as your father does know about you, in a sense.

"As for my rapist." Kadie paused as she presumably tried to muster the courage to say this. "As for your...biological father, I don't know. I don't know who he is, or if he knows anything about you. Since Kyle was arrested and confessed, people stopped looking; and despite my knowing the truth that Kyle was innocent, I was too scared of the knowledge to have my rapist found. I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear, but that's the truth. I'm so sorry baby!"

Kadie broke into tears as she finished and I heard Jazabel rushing to comfort her mother. It was a few long moments before they both seemed to calm down. "Is it alright if I ask you more questions, Mom?"

"You can ask them, but if I can't answer them, I'll let you know."

Another pause as Jazabel seemed to be trying to steady her breathing. "Why-Why did you decide to keep me? Don't get me wrong, I love and admire you all the more for doing so, but...I'm a constant reminder of a traumatic and painful set of memories for you. Why would you subject yourself to constant daily reminders of something like that? Most anyone would have gotten an abortion the moment they found out they were pregnant from rape; the ones that didn't would have given that child up for adoption-especially since you were barely out of high school. So why did you decide to keep me, given all the hardships that lay ahead of you because of me and all that I represent to you?"

This was a question that I'd often wondered myself. I knew that Kadie was very much a pro-life person, but even the most steadfast of people in that camp would ask the same question of her. "That's another question that isn't answered so easily." Heaving a sigh, Kadie requested, "Please don't judge me for this."

"Mom, I love you. You are literally the bravest woman I've ever met simply by being willing to relive this all so that I can have some answers and closure. Nothing you say will change that. Nothing!" Jazabel reassured.

"Thank you, sweetheart," Kadie said as she patted Jazabel's hand that I assumed had reached out to comfort her mother. With another deep breath, Kadie answered Jazabel's question, "I don't believe in abortion. Never have, never will. I think it's a crime for women to give up the life that grows inside of them when there are many people out in the world that can't conceive. That being said, I greatly considered that mortal sin when I learned that my rape had resulted in me being pregnant. It's not an enviable position to be in, and I don't dare to criticize other women's choices when they're in that position.

"By the time that I went to confront Kyle, I had already made up my mind about at least giving birth to you. I had every intention of giving you up for adoption, making sure to inform your would-be parents about the truth of your conception. But then I talked to Kyle...and everything changed.

"Per his own recommendation, he was restrained more thoroughly than Hannibal Lecter, and I had the police pump the room full of the smell of peanut butter and wore a set of earrings that I knew he hated because their jingling drove him crazy. And he laughed because he knew that I was weaponizing these petty annoyances against him. He told me he loved me and that he'd been in love with me for nearly half of our relationship. It was the same for me, but I never told him this because I was still mad that he hadn't even denied the fact that he raped me to this point. He tried to apologize for ever giving me cause to think him so cruel, before admitting that he had fantasized about raping me in the past. Or at least, raping me as we engaged in a roleplay. He admitted that he may even be capable of raping me for real, but claimed that he'd never brutalize me as my attacker had.

"I think hearing him admit that he may be capable of raping me drove me insane for a moment. Here was the man that I'd loved for as long as I'd known him and been in love with since I could remember knowing what that type of love is, and he was saying that he could rape me. In that moment the image that I'd held on to of our idyllic future shattered into a million pieces. And as I tried to put the pieces back together I made a few mental connections that combined that fantasy future with my nightmare present.

"Kyle and I loved each other, always had and always would. I was a good girl, and would never allow another man to touch me but him, so therefore the child growing in me had to be his. But he'd hurt me, and admitted to being able to hurt me more, which all but confirmed for me that he had in fact raped me. And as my distraught mind made those connections, my love for you swelled and I knew I had to keep you and raise you to be the child me and Kyle had always wanted. That instinct surged within me again, when Kyle threw himself under the bus and said he'd confess to my rape so that you'd have a father to hate whenever the time came to reveal the truth.

"As I watched them wheel him away to take his false confession, I made a vow to myself. I would keep you and raise you as his child, and that would be my punishment, my penance, my own prison to equal the one Kyle had just subjected himself to. That's a terrible thing to say about my own daughter, and I'm sorry that that is the answer to your question. I'll understand if you never want to see me again for saying that."

A chair scraped against the floor as I assumed Kadie tried to get up, but Jazabel's words seemed to stop her. "I'm not mad, Mom. Living all this couldn't have been easy. And I know that I haven't always made things easy, what with wanting to know every little detail about my father. But I could never hate you, because despite everything, you raised me and loved me the best you could. I won't lie though, and saying that one of your first thoughts about me after deciding to keep me was comparing me to a prison sentence isn't hurtful, but the fact that you've been a great mom has more than made up for that." Jazabel gave a laugh here seemingly to convey that all was good, but that just made Kadie give an audible sob. "Like I said, I love you, Mom," Jazabel reiterated once Kadie seemed to have calmed down. "Just one more question and then I have a bit of a confession for you."

"Hm?"

"You're not going to like it, but I think you'll be happy about it," Jaz replied to the unasked question from her mother. "But before that...have you seen Kyle since the trial?"

"Yes," Kadie said simply. "I visited him in prison twice, years ago. In the interest of being fully honest, I'll tell you that we had sex those two times. I know that I've always preached to you that you should be married before having sex, but even I can't deny that I have needs and that being with someone you love is better than one night stands. As I said, Kyle and I love each other, and that is all that has ever really mattered between us. You can call me a hypocrite if you want, but please just don't dismiss what I tried to teach you."

"Don't worry Mom, I'm not going to go sleeping all over town just because you didn't practice what you preached; unlike you, I am a good girl." Her laughter that followed showed that Jazabel was making a joke, but it seemed that Kadie took her at her word, as Jazabel quickly clarified, "I'm joking, Mom. I promise that when I have sex for the first time, it'll be with someone I love." Kadie clearly nodded at this, judging by her affirmative grunts. "But now I need to confess something."

There was a silence as I assumed each of them was waiting for the other to speak first. After about 30 seconds that felt more like 30 minutes, Kadie asked, "What is it, sweetheart? I can't exactly be getting mad at you right now, so just spill."

Heaving a deep breath of her own, Jazabel said, "When I left earlier, I was really mad. I'm sorry that I got upset and left before you could explain everything, but learning that I wasn't a love child and instead a child of rape kinda threw me for a loop. I walked around for twenty minutes before I decided that I just wanted to forget the whole thing. So I decided to call a cab and headed to The Muddy. I walked in and ordered their strongest stuff, hoping my lack of experience with alcohol would help me get drunk quicker so that I could forget everything."

"They served you?! You aren't even old enough to drink, Jazabel!" Kadie interrupted in a very motherly fashion.

"That's not really the point I'm trying to make Mom," Jaz said in an effort to get the conversation back on track. "The point is that I found a partner in misery while there."

"Are you ok, honey? They didn't hurt you, did they?"

"I'm fine, Mom. Nothing happened. We talked and he helped me sort out my emotions about all this. Although, he did say that I was sexy and that I reminded him of his ex; even when I said he could spank me, he was a little appalled that I'd suggest such a thing."

"This isn't making me feel any better about whatever it is you're trying to tell me, Jazabel," Kadie said in a slightly annoyed voice, voicing an opinion that I shared and I knew what Jazabel was going to say.

"I'm trying to let you know that I was safe, even when I tried to put myself in danger, Mom. This man saw that I was upset and immediately tried to comfort me, and fought off any temptation he felt towards me because he knew that would be taking advantage of me in an emotional state." Truthfully, that aspect had never occurred to me as I'd been focused on not being tempted by the daughter of my ex, but that made me sound better than the truth, so I made a note to myself to not contradict this.

"As we talked, we realized that we had a six degrees of separation situation. He definitely figured out who I was before I did the same. He was also the one that said who he was first, breaking the game of verbal cat and mouse that we were playing as we danced around the issue of knowing who we really were."

"I take it that this person is who this confession is really about, so just tell me who they were," Kadie said.

Taking this as my cue, I stepped through the door that separated the kitchen and dinning room and saw the two of them sitting at a longer table than what I figured the two of them would need. Jazabel had a smile on her face while Kadie's was one of surprise. "She ran into me, Kadie-bear."

Kadie got up and walked to me with a hesitance like I was a loved one long thought dead finally come home (which in a sense, I guess I was). When she finally reached me, she raised a shaking hand to my face. Leaning into her touch, I felt a sharp pain as she clawed her fingers and scratched my cheek. The next thing I knew she was sobbing as she beat my chest, forcing me to back up against the fridge. "No! NO! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE AND STAY AWAY FROM ME AND MY DAUGHTER! YOU RAPIST! GET OUT!" Her screaming at me died, when I put my arms around her and rocked her gently side to side.

"Shh, shh, Kadie-bear," I cooed to her gently as she trembled in my embrace. "I'm here to fulfil my promise and love you until my last breath, and no force on God's green Earth is going to keep me away and make me break my vow to you once again. By covenants of faith, oaths of blood and bonds of love, I swear I am never going to leave your side again."

It was at my final words that Kadie finally stilled. Her arms wrapped around me as she sunk herself deeper into my embrace as she hugged me back. We held each other for what was the shortest eternity that I could ever remember experiencing. But what came next lasted longer than the time for the universe's heat death to happen five times over. Lifting her head, Kadie removed her hands from around my body and brought them to my face as she pulled me into a kiss that left every kiss we'd ever shared so far in the dust that the oldest fossils were comparatively newborns. I had to finally pull my lips away so that I could breathe. It wasn't until a minute later that we were able to catch our breaths and Kadie looked me in the eyes so deeply that I swear I saw the reflection of my soul in her beautiful green eyes. "I love you, Kyle," she whispered as she closed her eyes and rested her forehead against my own.

Gently kissing her for a second, I saw her eyes open as I closed my own. "I've never loved anyone else besides you."

At the sound of sniffling, I opened my eyes, expecting it to be Kadie. But when I saw her turned to face the table behind her, I saw Jazabel with tears in her eyes. Truthfully, I'd forgotten that she was there, so swept up in my reunion with Kadie. Before either of us could ask her what was wrong, Jazabel smiled as she looked at us. "I know it doesn't really compare to your own desires, but you don't know how long I've wanted to see my parents whole and together once again. Considering I thought that it was impossible, I'm in Heaven."

Reaching out to her daughter, Kadie beckoned Jazabel to come and join us as our reunion turned from a lover's reunion to a family reunion. I don't think my heart had felt that whole since before I'd thrown my relationship with Kadie away for that school project all those years ago. With these two women in my arms and their hearts and arms embracing me so completely is where I belonged, now and forever. We stayed in that three-way embrace just holding each other tight for at least five minutes.

When Jazabel finally pulled herself out, both her mother and I looked at her with slight confusion. "I know that we all want me to stay, but I'm going to go over to Kimmie's house for the night. You need a night to yourselves, and the sooner you get it out of the way, the sooner we can be a family again. So, until noonish tomorrow, the house is yours. Give me the keys, Dad; I'm borrowing your car."

Wanting to argue but knowing that she was right, I pulled out my car keys and handed them to her. "Just to Kim's and back in the afternoon. No joyrides just yet. We've got lots of quality time to make up for, young lady, and I want to ensure that we get a head start on that," I said in my best TV dad voice.

Giggling at how over the top I was being, Jazabel kissed my cheek. "Don't worry Daddy; I'm a good Christian girl, remember?"

"Jazabel," I warned at her calling me 'Daddy'.

"I'm just joking, Dad. But part of that quality time tomorrow can be spent punishing me; you know, to make you feel like a real dad." The smile she was giving me at this did little to alleviate the frown that was slowly forming on my face.

"Just go, before you get in more trouble."

With another kiss to both my and Kadie's cheeks, Jazabel called out as she made her way to the door, "Love you guys. Don't be afraid to have too much fun! Make sure you break at least one piece of furniture." The gall of that girl. I'd be laughing if I didn't have to now set an example for her and be a parent. I could see the look on Kadie's face was what I knew should be on mine as well and I quickly tried to mirror it.

Once the door was closed, Kadie turned to look at me. "What are you giving me that look for, she's your daughter?"