All Comments on 'The Roommate Pt. 06'

Fantastic story, 5 stars. I haven't commented on any of the other chapters, though I've read them all. You have great character development, an intriguing complexity to the character interactions, and incredibly hot sex scenes. Without question the best overall story I've read on literotica.

That said, I have a few minor critiques:

1) Each chapter has several grammatical errors that jarred me out of the story momentarily... in one chapter you used Lexie's name instead of Leah's, for example. POV shifts happen occasionally within a given sentence. Your intent was clear and it's just a momentary thing. There are some spelling errors (very few that I saw) and a bunch of examples of repeated words within a sentence. I recommend you go back over each chapter and read it aloud to yourself. I find that makes these things much easier to identify in my own writing.

2) A "fuzzy" and "foggy" mind is something that you use too often, in my opinion. It's a great description for that feeling of getting lost in the moment but try looking for other descriptors. I think I counted 15 uses of it in a single sex scene (I don't remember which chapter). Like I said, I like the concept and it's a great metaphor for the "lost time" that happens during sex. Maybe throw in "muddled" "addled" "drunk" etc just to break up the commonality of its use. (If you choose not to change anything, it's still excellent writing.)

3) I love and hate your short installments. Maybe that's how your write because you pour a certain amount of yourself into each scene...I don't know. Overall the pacing works when reading it in large blocks like I did, but I think it could get very frustrating, from here on out, waiting for the next chapter. That's great for you as the author, keeping your readers on the hook, so maybe that's your intent. If it is, very well done. :)

4) I need more! (not so much a critique as a statement of how awesome this story has been so far.)

Thank you for sharing this fantastic story... as someone who writes mostly "queer" fiction, I'm really enjoying this and look forward to where you take things with Marie and Lexie.

OMG!!! Thank you so much for the praise! (And the feedback)

1) I'm definitely going through these to pick them up.

2) You're not the first to pick up on that. I have a tool I'm using while editing that helps with that--posting the edits on Literotica isn't as easy as I would like, though

3) It's definitely my intent, so thank you!

4) Haha yes!!!! Well, if you want more, I would definitely check out my bio, because there's a lot more available :)

I hope you continue to enjoy it!