The Sectret Love of the Other Man

There was a sliver of uncertainty, Angelika was always up and down. Just like when she was first leading him on at work; she was black and white...black and white. Any time he learnt more about her personality, it inversely caused Adam to understand even less of her. She was a paradox: the more he learned the less he knew. He did not know if her not coming tomorrow meant everything ended or whether their little meetings and phone calls, would continue. For some people this would give them hope; for Adam, the ambiguity only served to kill him more. He knew that with Angelika, uncertainty, was always bad and like a small skiff caught in a storm, he had to ride it out or sink and drown.

The weekend for Adam was immemorable and abstract. The room around him faded and drooped from existence, the corpse of reality left behind an endless black expanse... which went on and on. Meals didn't matter, drink didn't matter, sleep didn't matter; it was as if he was metamorphosing from a human to an unrecognisable creature. Inside of him a fire of fury battled a vacuum of emptiness and sadness. Caught in the middle of this battle, his conscious mind simply surrendered in the war and waited until more peaceful times. It reverted to subconscious actions, he survived purely by instinct and, once it passed, remembered little. Come Monday only his deep commitment to work pulled him slightly higher, giving his conscious mind enough effort to fight back. Now he wanted revenge, he could never outright hurt her... but he could be cruel and to him being cruel to Angelika was the most brutal act he could commit.

He went into work on Monday and dragged himself through his daily jobs: at 10 o'clock he went into his morning meeting (updating key stakeholders with boring figures and statistics). At 11, after the meeting, he then gathered his team and relayed information to them, from the meeting prior. The rest of the day was spent in other meetings with the sales team, one to ones with his team and updating his superiors, he'd deal with complaints and he spoke with regional managers. This was all standard, what wasn't was his treatment of Angelika.

Throughout the day, he passed on boring and awkward tasks to her. Over the months he'd worked with her he'd learnt what she didn't like to do, before he protected her, not giving them to her to protect his Peach. Now he didn't care, he wanted her to drown in a flood of jobs. He got her to do sales report, minor things that added on top of her already stressful job; he wanted her to snap. He craved seeing her in the same position as he was. However, his little digs could never equate to her actions.

Over time he slowly forgave her. As the darkness in his life faded, as time: the ultimate healer got him through it. As weeks ended and began, he did not forget what she did, it simply didn't play on his mind as much as it did before. He still craved her, he still needed her and as he forgot the hate and belittled it in his mind, he was more open to the idea of talking to her. He once again started to think how he could talk to her and how he could get through to her again. For the first week when she messaged him, he would give her one-word responses; the closest he came to telling her to fuck off. By the third or fourth week, he once again needed her and wanted to talk to her... sharing things with her.

At work they started all over again, as if they'd just met all over again, they'd touch each other's hands while passing things to each other. Whilst talking, Angelika would stand close to him and he'd stand close to her, penetrating each other's personal space. She'd walk past his desk and run her finger down his back, from his neck all the way down. It tickled him and teased him, sending thunder through his body. His body would vibrate from his heart to his balls, everything was involved: lust and love. These times only added to his uncertainty, he knew they would: I need her more than ever, but I can't win. Just as he had predicted, he'd learnt more: she will come back even after she says she won't, yet he knew even less: then when did she run off the first time? Did she convince herself that her and Damien could make it work?

He went home every night and thought about all of the little moves she made, they would text... but not like before. Rather than him teasing her or genuinely asking about her day, everything seemed formal and rehearsed:

"How was work?" he would ask.

"Same as usual."

"That's good, or not."

"I do not mind."

Adam had never had such a robotic conversation with her, or anyone in his life, and she was a robotic talker at times. It confused him more, he had lost his confidence -- his spark. Before he would make outrageous sexual advances, saying he "wanted to suck her clit." Now he didn't dare, in case it scared her off. So, he put up with these conversations, which only confused him. She would have a lifeless conversation but then would touch him and make subtle moves in person.

For another few weeks this went on, until it was almost two months since their fateful date, when he'd been deep inside of her. He kept on playing this game, going one step forward and two steps back. She would stare at him longingly and he'd stare back, he'd message and then she'd ignore him and then not make eye contact at all. He wanted this limbo, this purgatory to end... he'd force it. If his love for her wasn't enough to push her into his arms, maybe a conflict between Damien and her would. Damien made a fool of himself enough, Adam had been overrun with stories of how he cared more about his video games than her and how he could snap and get nasty if she protested.

At work he'd place his hand on the small of her back as she showed him things, Damien would walk by or look up from his desk. It filled him with pleasure; he won either way, at first, Damien either hurt or Angelika was driven towards him (he didn't even think he could fuck them both over and himself). Deciding to push it even more, he messaged her, the day before her birthday. There's a chance he might see it as well, he sadistically laughed at the thought. He messaged her out of the blue, late in the evening, when he knew they were both at home.

"If you keep running your finger down my back like that, you're going to be punished. You know what buttons to press, don't you?"

She quickly replied, Adam was slightly disappointed somewhat that Damien wasn't the one to read it. "You know how to press my buttons as well, do you not? Tell me what gets me going!". She demanded, knowing he would answer.

"When I bite your neck, when I half smile, when I pull you in for a kiss, when I play with your hair and when I rub my fingers through your palm and up your fingertips any chance I get. I think that sums it up."

This chat went on for hours and hours, until eventually she called it off. Little did Adam know that Damien had read the messages and was putting plans together of his own and Angelika was fighting her battles behind the scenes. Adam slept soundly after his happy little chat with her.

That night Angelika was in the kitchen preparing dinner for Damien, herself, and her parents; who were over from Germany, for her birthday. Suddenly her often disinterested husband stormed in shouting and yelling, he'd read through her messages without her knowing. Further violating her trust.

"What the fuck are you doing with this guy? He's your boss! He wants to punish you! Into to that sort of shit are you? You're fucked up!" He let everything out and clearly had a lot of questions.

"No Damien! We just joke and chat!"

"Bullshit! You've.... You've slept with him haven't you" he looked deflated and heartbroken, their vow to be with each till death didn't last long.

"No." she whimpered, a stuck record.

Their backwards and forwards, the repetition was never endless and torturous until she broke: "ok! I did. Damien... I am sorry, he just manipulated me."

"Say it! Stop with the lies, shifting the blame, except what you've done." he forced.

"Ok, I had sex with him once, just one time. He teased me at work, he made me need him! Are you happy now!"

Damien stared empty, waiting for more. Although it cut him, he needed to hear it. He needed to know exactly what she had done, he needed to know if he could forgive her and move on.

"But I was not joking about giving our relationship a better go, I had sex before all of that and we can still work through this rough patch. Let us get through my birthday, then we will talk. Please my parents do not need to hear it, I am not that type of person."

Damien was frozen, processing everything, he nodded, and they went about their night as if everything was alright. The charade continued, without speaking a word about Angelika's affair, they got ready for bed and slept. It was as if they both lived in a fantasy world. However, deep down the couple knew that the next day they both had work and they'd see Adam. Then it would become harder and harder to ignore and more words would have to be spoken.

Before work, the next day, Adam got himself ready, as per usual his morning routine was mundane, but his world was suddenly chattered like a mirror, by a somewhat vague message from Angelika: "Damien knows." Those two words caused his heart to sink, it was something he had always wanted, yet had never prepared for. In his dream world he thought Damien would find out then fade from existence, Angelika would fly to his and they would have a baby, then live happily ever after. When he did find out, Adam was shocked out how deluded he had been.

Out of nowhere he was worried about Damien making a scene, Adam knew if someone did that to him, he would really fuck them over, Would Damien try it? The young man didn't know how he felt about a verbal or physical conflict with him, he knew he could win either, in the moment. Yet, the aftermath and suffering it would bring on Angelika, he did not want that for her.His drive to work was an anxious one, without even being in the same room as them, the tension grew. He pulled up and took a deep breath, he felt more unsure than his first day and his work was now alien to him all over again. It seemed his life was becoming a constant repeat, first with his relationship, now with his career. He was living a cyclical existence.

His world further spiralled out of control, towards the ground, but not because of a punch in the face from Damien or from Angelika telling him to fuck off: but because of the nothingness. Damien did nothing and she did nothing, it was as if it hadn't happened. He wanted someone to say something, to kill his uncertainty, but nobody did. He became more stressed and worried, yet nobody alleviated his problem. He tried to get an answer from his Peach, he starred at her, but she avoided his gaze, like acknowledging him made her affair real. Damien tried even harder to not see him, at was if not looking at him meant he didn't need to confront him. They are both insane. This was killing him, and he needed to talk to someone.

At lunch he went to Marc, his close friend, who did the same job as Angelika.

"Marc..." his eyes said a lot more than any of his words could.

He could tell something was wrong with his close friend. "Mate, you look fucked, sit down."

Adam fell into the seat opposite him, his shoulders dropped and rolled forward. "I need to tell you something, but it stays between us..."

Marc's eyes confirmed everything, and the slight flick of his hand said yes, so Adam continued "I've been sleeping with a married woman and..."

"Fuck!" Marc cut off; he knew "I fucking knew it! Angelika?"

Adam looked stunned, Angelika wouldn't tell, would she? She definitely wouldn't tell Marc, but maybe she's gossiped to one of her friends and it's got around. He just looked back at his pal, waiting for more, not wanting to give anything away.

"Your phone would go off; you'd send a message and then hers would go off. The way you look at each other, I knew it. Plus, she's always all over you."

Adam nodded, confirming his suspicions. Marc realised he had been so caught up in proving he was right that he'd cut Adam off before he could fully explain what had occurred to put him in that state. Even though he had millions of questions of how it had happened, when it had happened and many more, he knew Adam had something to get off his chest and so he apologised for interrupting and let Adam begin again.

"I've been seeing Angelika; we've fucked and some other little things and.... Damien's found out. He read through our conversation last night. I said I was going to punish her, and we hint at lots of other things."

"Fuck me mate, I'm surprised he hasn't smashed your fucking teeth in yet. I guessed you were doing something, but... I've got lots of questions to ask."

"Go for it... I've got lots to tell and I need someone to listen."

Marc asked when the first time they had done something was, when they first had sex, how much he liked her, what she was like in bed, if Damien had said something, and that was the most important question for Adam. It let him tell Marc every little thing.

"That's the thing that bothers me, I was worried about him kicking off, about her getting upset and crying. The scene. But he hasn't don't anything, I'd kill someone if they did that to me, but he doesn't see me. I passed his desk, and he had a blank expression; he didn't acknowledge me in anyway. She's the same, she's ignored me. It's like we're complete strangers. Am I that meaningless to the pair of them? Fuck me! I was afraid of something bad happening, but this is fucking worse. I want him to at least mention it or threaten me. This is unnerving... you get me Marc?"

"I do bud, but I honestly don't get it. I'm here to talk, but I'd be fucked trying to explain any of that."

Lunch ended, Adam felt relieved for talking to Marc, he'd finally told someone in detail. But he was weighed down by the fact that it had only just begun. That was a turning point in the trio's life: Damien, Adam, and Angelika, they'd never be the same again. He knew his life would forever be the weeks before and the weeks after. That scared him, the ambiguity of the situation. The day could still end in a brawl.

The rest of the day was hellishly torturous, his mind struggled to function while heaving the heavy burden of what had happened. No matter how many times he told himself that he didn't make her, he could not stop himself feeling sickened when he caught a glimpse of her eyes. Usually colourful and vibrant, they were grey and lifeless. She had lost a part of herself and he knew it. The clock ticked and ticked until 5 when the day was over and finally, he escaped. He sped home, as if wanting to outrun his problems, as if he could drive so fast, they didn't exist... but he couldn't and they never left him all the way.

Herr abenteuer

The grass is always greener on the other side, or so it goes. People always have it easier than you in their world. This was at least the thoughts of Angelika and Adam; the pair were obsessed with idea that the other had it easier in the situation. For Angelika, her picture-perfect idea of a middle-class life had been burnt to ashes. For Adam he was been played for a fool, the love he craved constantly pushing him back into the corner. Yet the fault was partly hers and partly his, but really nobodies. Life pushes you into a certain direction and sometimes it seems like you are a soul adrift in a storm, nobody can change the direction.

For Angelika she had returned home after the first day both satisfied and disappointed, but satisfaction is just the absence of disappointment and is far from happiness. She had hoped for a scene, deep down, for Damien to become a real man and defend himself or Adam to 'come to her rescue'. Her 'fairy tale-esque' fantasy did not play out. At home, their arguments continued but she knew they would continue to work on it.

Adam returned home to a dead empty house, the kind of emptiness that almost seems loud because of how obvious and stunning it is. My life is a mess. He ripped his shirt off and fell onto his sofa, turning over so he faced the back, immersing himself in the dark. In his life he had experienced lots of hardships, women had lied and robbed him of happiness before, but this was different. He wanted to hate her, wanted to not need her, but he couldn't. he wished something had happened, rethinking the day, imagining scenarios where he beat Damien and Angelika saw him as a hero. But they were just absurd dreams, and he knew it.

For Angelika her and Damien 'working on it' meant her taking blame for their marriage breaking down; ignoring the fact that he had pushed her into another man's arms because of his cold and boring persona. Gone had the man she had first met that had pursued her endlessly with a burning passion. In the pair's discussion Damien would list off things he thought she could do. Anytime she tried to mention something he could do, he gave her a look, the look that said she didn't have the right. So, she held her tongue. But thoughts began to develop, why? WHY!? She Knew she had a man prepared to build an empire for her and give her everything, yet she waited on the beck and call of Damien. Maybe I should pursue Adam. Although, there were always the thoughts of fear too: But what will my parents think and my sister too, no it would be wrong to throw away what I have.

Back at work Adam would put on his façade, hiding his low stagnant state behind his usual confident and charismatic self. It wasn't that he was lying or faking intentionally, it was a defence mechanism. Because of his elevated, albeit false confidence, he was persistent with Angelika. He pressed her about their meetings, so she could get her promotion, always asked her to help him and always pushed the boundaries.

His existence was recurrent. Once again, their subtle flirting began, touching hands, dropping lines about what they had done with each other and trying to spend more time together. The only difference this time was Angelika was nervous, before she had been headstrong about doing these things, now she was cautious. Adam knew he needed to question her and find a solution; he wasn't happy with her constantly looking over her shoulder. Because as much as he wanted her and would do anything to get her, the young man also needed her to feel safe. He hated for her or any woman to feel threatened.

In one of their meetings, that now only lasted 30 minutes due to Damien, he brought it up.

"We can't go on together... like this.... I know your worried about Damien. Help me help you."

"Maybe... I love speaking to you, but at work he watches us... and at home he reads my messages. He knows all of your social media names."

"I can make a new one, a new snapchat, then I can message you and all of the messages will get automatically deleted. He wouldn't know."

"That is good, that is a good idea, we will have to set one up now, I want to talk to you tonight... always. I love hearing from you, even if at times, you do not feel like I do."

And with that Herr Abenteuer was born, Mr Adventure in her mother tongue, from the fatherland. After all, he always wanted an adventure and she wanted it too, an adventure with him.

That night was consumed with messages between the pair, and Adam's confidence once again rose and rose. He was, as Angelika was, more cautious than before. He still loved her, but he was afraid of her running for the third time. She really is like heroin. The high of her was unattainable the rest of the time, he couldn't possibly do anything else to match it. Yet the come down, was also incomparable to anything else. He loved her, but wished she'd fully leave or commit. He couldn't say no to the drug, but every nerve screamed for him to take them off of the rollercoaster of abuse. But she did come... and like a junkie to a needle he pursued, eyes wide.