The Sectret Love of the Other Man

On his first day, of the four he was staying there, she was perfect with him. When they worked together, he had her daily routine planned out in his mind, he knew the times she was free for them to have a meeting, he knew when she could text, and he knew when she was too busy for either -- which was rarely. He memorised her diary just as well as she did. Adam hadn't forgotten; that meant he knew if she was messing him around with her replies. On day one, if he messaged her, she would reply within minutes. She was happy to learn about how much he was enjoying the very city she'd lived in when she was younger, the attractions she'd visited when she was a kid seemed to fill her with nostalgia. Everything was perfect, but it wasn't to last.

By day two her responses were taking longer, never less than ten minutes; maybe she is busy at work, sometimes there are hectic days. He tried to ease his mind, but the length of time it took her to reply wasn't the only thing that seemed off, it was how she responded. Angelika loved to draw replies out and explain things as much as possible, using big words. Today she didn't. Her replies went from: "That is exactly what I think about Munich when I think about it now. I absolutely loved how spectacular it was when I was younger, we will have to go some time xx." To: "That is good". Still, Adam thought it could be because she was busy. But she said she wasn't and her replies were still poor when she finished work. Something was wrong and he knew it. She was killing his vacation, but he tried to remain hopeful. He believed that it was just his own insecurities and that his 'gut' feeling was wrong; or at least he had deluded himself to believe that, deep down he still felt the same. That night he and his best friend went out to some of the old beerhalls and enjoyed the night life. Jack didn't know that Adam was drowning his sorrows, or sorrows to come.

By day 3 he decided to stay in bed, he told Jack it was because he was hungover and needed to sleep after staying up all night; none of his friend's taunts or insults could drag him out of his bed. He stayed there wrapped up, in his pit, thinking about Angelika and everything he could have done wrong, or something she could have done; he found an excuse to counter every point. This only left him stunned and even more perplexed than he was before, which only brought him more sadness.

Jack had started to get a little suspicious, every hour or so he'd venture from his room or the bar downstairs to check on him. He'd bang on the door, shouting for his friend:

"Oi, Nobhead get up now."

Adam just repeated the same excuse over and over, dismissing his friend. When Jack asked if something was wrong, he simply said no and told him to playfully "Fuck off". The six months without Angelika had been a period of self-growth for Adam, now he was regressing back into his usual obsessive state and he was lying to his best friend, because of her. What is she doing to me?

To rub salt in the proverbial wound, her replies were worse than her short and dismissive ones; why? Because they didn't exist, he messaged her once when he woke up. Wishing her a fantastic day where everything she did went perfect and telling her she was the most beautiful woman he had ever set eyes on. He meant it all. When she didn't reply, he messaged again about 2 hours later, some small conversation starter. It went on and on.

He got no reply until early on the fourth day of his holiday, it was around 6 in the morning -- she'd have just woke up. It was a small reply with an excuse about meetings and phone calls, because one of the company's biggest clients had several unexpected problems. Then when she got home, she was too tired and just passed out in bed. He couldn't take not knowing what tomorrow held for him, so he finally told her bluntly, over a phone call.

"Angelika, I know I said before and you denied it, but I've got to say it again. If you don't want to be with me, go. I'll let you go without a fight. Not because I don't love you, but because you're too rare to be trapped by a man you don't want. I won't be Damien. All I ask is that you're honest and leave my key, so I can at least get in."

"Adam, what is going on? Why do you think that?"

"Come on Angelika, bullshit about meetings and phone calls. Been too busy to even reply when you first woke up. You've been cold and ignoring me. Why?"

"Adam...I...I"

"What?"

"I would not lie to you, you know I would never."

"Do I? Because you've never once lied to anyone, especially me?"

"Adam stop. You are hurting my feelings. If you want me to go, I will, but stop pushing me away. I love you."

Suddenly Adam felt like the asshole, it had all turned on him, he'd been so caught up in how he felt, he'd forgotten about how he might be making her feel. Here he was barraging the woman he loved, not even considering the consequences, until now.

"Angelika, I'm so fucking sorry. I'm just missing you and I'm so stressed out. Please, please forgive me."

"Adam, it is fine. I miss you too, do not forgot we get to see each other tomorrow morning."

With that reassurance from her, feeling like the bad guy, he was able to venture out and enjoy the day. But it wasn't the day he was enjoying; it was the thought of seeing his Peach in a few hours. He needed her, he needed her to live. Without her he saw only emptiness, it was like he couldn't plan his life without her by his side. It was just a mental abyss.

It was no surprise that Adam dreamt of her that night or daydreamed of her in the airport. She was all he could think about. He knew that someone wouldn't lie the day before; if she was going to go, she'd be gone. He'd been wrong, now he could trust her and as soon as he saw her: he'd have no doubt in her ever again. He was like a kid before Christmas, it was the best day of his year so far. Getting to see her, not just seeing her, but her being his. When he was with her everything was perfect, or at least seemed it. He could express himself, have deep conversations. Learning about her had become a great passion. He was wired on her.

As the plane came to land, he was the first off and the first to get his bag. He said he goodbyes to Jack and then ran to his car and sped home, in the dark early hours of the morning. She was working that day and so he wanted to get back as soon as possible to enjoy her as much as possible. The drive took 45 minutes, but high on Angelika: felt like 5. He got back to his and saw her car. He exploded inside, every single nerve ending fired in an amalgamation of pleasure. She's stayed for me. I had no reason to not believe her. I want her.

He rang the doorbell and waited for he, he expected her to take awhile since she was staying and would probably be asleep. But he was wrong, the light in the stairwell (which he could see through the glass in the door) switched on almost immediately. She must not be able to sleep, she's just as excited as me. He projected his thoughts onto her. But he felt a little more cynical after he saw her, she was fully dressed, usually she'd be in her pyjamas. She was supposed to be in bed, asleep or at least trying to sleep. She opened the door and before he could even come inside, she'd turned back and ran up the stairs. Fuck.

He followed her up to the top floor and to his apartment before she finally acknowledged his existence. Imagine waiting days to see someone you love, craving the sweet release that their company gives you only to be left more frustrated. Her hug was cold, it was as if she were a stranger, he'd hugged for the sake of it. There was no love, there was no relaxation, it only left so much more to desire. Like hugging a stone pillar; cold and lifeless.

He once again noticed she was fully dressed, in jeans, a t-shirt and her usual socks. Plus, the tv was on, which meant she hadn't gone to bed. Angelika wasn't the type to pull an all-nighter, he knew she wouldn't stay up to wait for him. He still thought nothing of it, so he jokingly asked:

"Are you going somewhere?" with a half laugh to illustrate his point.

She looked at him dead serious, with her cold lifeless gaze she employed any time she needed to be truly harsh or maybe that was her default look and everything else was an act. Her response was not a joke.

"Adam. I just cannot."

Tears rushed to his eyes instantaneously, he still couldn't fully understand "What? Angelika, please tell me you're not saying what I think you're saying."

"I just can not do it. I have just come out of one long relationship and I really do not have the strength to do this."

"But...no....no." his head started to spin, he felt like he was going to throw up. "You said you were gonna stay, no matter what. You told me yesterday."

"I wanted you to have a good holiday. Try and see it from my point of view, I am not ready."

"No! it's fine to ruin my life then? To fuck me up by lying over and over and lying, making me think I'd remembered things wrong; gaslighting me? Making me think I've misinterpreted things and read things wrong? And you messaged me remember? I was fucking happy."

"I do not want to hurt you, and I did message you. I was wrong. Please."

He slumped against the chair arm:

"Fuck off Angelika. Go!"

She walked out of the door, she'd played her little game and had had enough of her toy. He was left all by himself, his ship had sunk, and he was drowning in the freezing water. That was him abandoned again.

* * * * *

This book is fictional. Any likenesses to any real people or organisations are simply coincidences.

Copyright Alexander D Kendrew 2020

This book could not have been written, published or shared without the valuable input of many friends and family members. I cannot name you all but an extra special thanks needs to go to the following people:

Billy Turner -- I'm dyslexic and that isn't the best condition to have as an author so without billy's help I couldn't have edited this book into the somewhat brilliant story it is today.

Danielle Hayes from 'Designed by D' who created the art work for the book and its promotion. My dear sister and my brilliant graphic designer.

Samantha Newton -- my Mumsy whom is forbidden from reading this book but is the solid wooden legs to my table. She's my rock, my teacher and my advisor.

Edition 3 -- 24.01.2021

This book has been printed in a large format to help people with dyslexia easier enjoy the story.