The Sectret Love of the Other Man

But, as per usual, business called, and his regular morning meetings pulled Adam away. The hours without her flew, however, because he spent the entire time daydreaming about her. However, he was about to have another reminder about how certainty was something he couldn't have around Angelika.

After he left the meeting, she was different, at first, he barely picked up on it. But as the minutes passed he began to consciously focus on figuring her out. she walked past me and didn't say anything, then she's sat in her chair and hasn't moved a muscle since. I'm probably wrong but I should say something. He thought to himself. He stepped up from his chair, yet he never made it over to her. Shit. He was called into a last-minute meeting about something and nothing. This conversation would have to wait.

The next meeting did not go as quick as the first, because instead of sweet dreams, it was time for a living nightmare. Time crept slowly. Their relationship was like running down a corridor and never getting to the end. Now was the time for overthinking: Maybe it's nothing, but she never changes like that unless something has happened and it's always with Damien. Fuck me! I pray to God she's not gonna get back with him, no... no, she won't. so what? Maybe he's said something else, maybe he's threatened her. But he doesn't have the balls. For every thought he has as to what might have gone down, he had an argument to disprove it, he would just have to wait and see.

As soon as he was out of sight from his boss he ran back to his desk, or rather, her desk. She wasn't there. She wasn't there. His heart raced; it had suddenly got a lot worse. She was not due to finish, which meant she'd left early. She never left early, which meant something had happened. He went into one of the spare meeting rooms so he could call her in private, he didn't want to give anyone things to chat about behind his back, or hers. Adam pulled his phone out to call her: blocked, whatsApp: blocked, Instagram: blocked. Without a single word to him she had amputated him from her life.

He had one last option, short of driving to her house and hoping she was at home, his works phone. It was a saving grace, one that he hoped she had forgotten about in her haste. It began to ring, then went through. The fury on the other side answered: "No. I will not do it, I do not want to speak to you, you bastard."

Adam was taken aback: "What? Angelika what the fuck are you talking about?"

"You know what you have done."

"Well, I clearly don't, tell me what's happened, and we can sort it out together."

"Do not lie to me."

"Well, I must have forgotten what I've done, so why don't you remind me?"

"You told Damien about me staying at yours last night!"

"Oh yeah that makes perfect sense. Why the fuck would I do that? More importantly, why do you think I've done that?"

"Damien messaged me, he was not happy, he has found out about me been at your apartment. You must have told someone, and they have told him. You have been showing off."

"Angelika listen to me, I swear on my mother's life; I never, I never told anybody. I was too busy enjoying having you there. Please, believe me. Let's meet up."

"No."

With that she hung up on him and, as he found out after calling her back on his work phone, she had learnt her lesson and blocked that too. He no longer existed to her. Yet he couldn't get over the fact that Damien had found out, it didn't sit right with him. How did he know?

Adam did not know where Damien's parents lived, but he knew they didn't live close to Adam; Angelika would never have risked meeting Adam in public if they did. So that ruled out Damien or his parents having seen her or her car. Maybe somebody else had, then gossiped to Damien, but Adam didn't work with anyone in the area and knew his apartment was away from prying eyes. Then it clicked, her iPad. He remembered about the tracking apps for your devices, Damien could have suspected that she'd run to Adam and would check on where she was through her iPad. The little bastard tracked her, that sneaky fucking rat.

For the first time in their brief encounters, he called a relationship, he was afraid. Before he'd been pissed off about things, angry and betrayed but never afraid. He'd felt worried about never seeing her, but he never felt true fear. This was because he'd never had her like he just had, every time before he knew she'd just go home to him and he'd go home to his loneliness. This time, he had no idea, he'd been faced with a future with her and it looked good, then it fell apart just in front of him; he could do nothing about it. That's what made him afraid, like floating in the middle of the ocean, he was a slave to what was around him and had no control. In short: he began to panic.

The next day Adam went into work. He walked into an alien planet, the first day he'd walked in, his head was held high and he was confident that nothing could sway him. This day was not like this, his head was rolled forwards and he wanted to avoid her. Yet even avoiding her seemingly wouldn't be enough, every soul stared into his and judged. It was strange to him, eyes were almost undecipherable, he could not describe what it was about them. But just like seeing love in someone's eyes or hate, you know it's there. That was what almost everyone's eyes were filled with, judgement. That made him afraid again, suddenly it wasn't just behind closed doors, it was at his work. Whether he accepted it or not, people knew.

Spotting her at her desk, he froze; not because of the fear that filled him before, but because he had to think about how to deal with her. His first thought was to be cruel and shout, embarrass her in front of people she cared about so much. But he decided not to, as much as she had hurt him, he didn't have the energy.

Every eye that stared at him weighed him down, it weighed his conscious down and that weight almost felt physical, he felt weak. She ignored him, for once he was grateful for that, but when she disappeared, he got worried. These worries birthed questions, that soon were answered; like many things not knowing is better.

He got a texted from Marc. "Adam, Angelika is asking some weird questions mate."

Every single question she could possibly asked him rushed through his head. "Like what?"

"Well, she's asking what I know about you two, about your affair and Damien."

"What did you say?"

"I'm not that dumb, I told her I didn't know what she meant, then asked her if she'd been having one. She didn't answer."

After this, things got even worse, the manager who'd taken over from Adrian (Karen) called him in for a harsh conversation. She'd come over and quietly asked him to come to her office at 12, he knew that meant he was about to get told off in an hours' time.

He walked into her office, she sat on the edge of her desk and looked down at some papers, pretending to be occupied with something else. Karen looked up from the papers to him, once again, she pretended to be surprised by his presence; he saw right through her act.

"Adam, we need to talk..."

"Go on." Adam did not want to give anything away.

"Well, I know you know about Angelika and Damien. Of course, you do, you caused it, didn't you?"

Adam didn't respond, she'd really caught him with that one. He didn't expect that from her. And he could sense her hostility and wanted to keep away from an argument.

She saw his silence and decided to explain herself. "I had a conversation with Angelika, if someone (Damien) doesn't come in because he's fallen out with his partner, we want to know why. She has told me about the pair of you."

Adam was stunned, he always thought he was at good figuring people out and everything about Angelika indicated she would not do something like that. She had just cut him off because Damien had found out, she clearly cared more about her own self-image than happiness. Hell, when Damien had found out, she cared more about him telling her parents than what he'd say. This all meant something didn't add up to Adam, so he decided to play it safe and not say anything that could be held against him, he needed to figure out what Karen knew about.

"Right...." He looked up at her, waiting.

Karen knew he would wait all day, if that's what it took to get a response from her, she didn't have all day and didn't have any illusions to maintain.

"We know; and by we, I mean I know. We know that you've been having an affair, albeit it a softcore one."

That caught Adam a bit off guard, his eyes darted up, then back down.

"Softcore? I don't..."

"I mean that you haven't, well... you know had sex as such. She told us you'd met up and kissed and hinted that maybe you'd done something else, something a little bit more risqué."

That little bitch. Adam was shocked with how easily Angelika had lied to Karen, though it shouldn't have been a surprise since he'd seen her lie to Damien every time, she said she loved him. She forgot to mention how I fucked her, I'll keep this act up, for now."Well, I really don't know what to say about the whole thing."

"Funny, you normally have something to say about everything." Her tone was far from jovial, she definitely meant it to spite him and put him in his place.

Adam could sense she was trying to belittle him and was not going to put up with it.

"Look, she's told you. With all due respect, all I'd be doing is affirming her points and it would waste my time and yours. So, I'm sure you have something to say and I'm waiting to hear it."

She sighed and sat down behind her desk to fully illustrate the shift in tone.

"Alright then, I'll cut the chit chat and get to the meat of it for you. We have a couple of problems Adam, now, don't interrupt me to tell me how you thought about this, I'm gonna say it regardless of if you thought about it or not."

Adam didn't know where to place himself he felt like a schoolboy being told off.

"Ok... go for it."

"Firstly, there's a clear conflict of interests." Karen pulled a piece of paper from a draw in her desk. "Angelika always gets her bonus; how do we know that's not because she's.... in your favour." She put the piece of paper down. "let's continue, aside from the potential financial implications of your actions, there are other professional ones. And it doesn't finish there, because even if you weren't seeing her, everyone has their favourite. It's about integrity, professional integrity; frankly, I thought you were better than this Adam. You allowed your petty feelings to dictate your actions, but you've always preached facts. You've betrayed the company and all you co-workers."

Adam wanted to say, "Fuck the company", but he didn't, instead he thought, then replied appropriately.

"Look, there's no need to question my integrity, I did my job while having a... a relationship with her." Just mentioning it hurt him, since she'd run from him.

Karen could sense he was getting defensive, she was smart enough to know if she wanted to get something from him, she should probably play nice, nicer than she had been. Plus, she felt a little bit guilty for the guy, she could emphasise with the guy, she'd feel like shit if it happened to her, knowing now that their relationship had also broken down.

"Look Adam, I'm not trying to villainise you. If there's anything you need, you can come to me. I'm just trying to get you to think about the professional implications of what you've done, I don't know what this means for your career moving forwards. That isn't a threat, just a fact."

If the floor could have opened up and swallowed him away and have eaten him away, he would have let it. He felt detached from his body, almost like he was seeing the entire thing from third person. It was then that every little piece suddenly collided together and formed one picture. This man wasn't just facing losing his lover (or the woman he loved), but losing his job, his car and the future prospects of a career. Not only this, but he had nobody, every set of eyes was fixed on him, damning him for his actions. He was faced with a future of no release, a future of problems and few options of how to escape. He had no words.

"Listen Adam, go back to your desk. I could go on for hours about what you've done, but; between you and me, I'm not the last person you'll be speaking to today."

That was daunting to Adam, that day so far was crushing him.

"Karen, I know you are friends with Damien and you probably hate me, but whatever happens today, please can I have tomorrow off, if I still have a job."

She nodded. "I don't hate you Adam, you've just made my job even more hard. But of course, take tomorrow, I'll sort that for you."

Adam left her office and headed to the bathroom, not the one next to the main room with his desk, but the smaller one further away. He smashed through the door and collapsed against the sink, grabbing hold of the sides. He began to hyperventilate, he was scared. What happens now? His breathing took away from his thoughts, he was mindless. His eyes flooded with tears. Adam broke down for at least five minutes before he began to compose himself. That five minutes though, five minutes of panic, seemed to last an hour. He knew he had a job to do, he splashed his face with water, wiped it down and went back to his desk.

Karen hadn't lied, within half an hour of getting to his desk, Matt brady (some little office snob) came snivelling over and told him to come to a meeting. Adam wasn't surprised, it was a repeat of what happened with Karen. Almost line for line. It served only to wear the man down. It served only to strengthen his resolve about what he needed to do, he needed to get away.

He walked over to his desk, ignoring all the judgemental fucks. He had a clear task to do. He pulled out his phone charger, his spare change, notes Angelika left him, a stapler and other boring office equipment. He placed it all into his backpack, to take with him. This was not because he was quitting, or because he was leaving; he just didn't want some poor stooge to have to clean his desk out after the fact, after he did what needed to be done.

Adam left work, with the backpack, with no intentions of ever going back. An incredible amount of motivation and discipline can come from hatred and sadness, or just pure despair. Things were quickly adding up in his life, stacked against less of a desire to go on. He was heading for disaster and he didn't care.

He sat down in his car and melted into his seat, his eyes were colourless and plain. His shoulders drooped and he slid down the chair. He waited for the motivation of despair to pick him up and send him marching to his fate. He knew deep down that sitting in the car wouldn't get him home, so he finally drove. Although, he didn't process any of the drive, to him it was like he'd teleported back home; his body had gone into autopilot.

Back in his castle, the walls did nothing to protect him from the outside world, every eye was still on him and he was so isolated. This time, he didn't collapse on the sofa, or the bed, he just slid down with his back to the wall, tucking his head between his knees. His eyes began to well up and he sobbed, he began to hyperventilate as his world became pure chaos and emotion. That was it, he knew now that his fate wasn't quitting and moving, it was more decisive.

The next day he went into his top drawer and pulled three boxes of painkillers out, he stuffed them into his jacket pocket and left. He had only two last tasks to do to sign off from this world, that was leaving a message for his mom and one for Angelika, then locking the door. Forever leaving that place.

The first note to Angelika read:

"To Peach,

I'll spare the bullshit, you know what's happened by now and I'm not gonna go over it. What's important to me, is that I leave this world, leave existence, with everything sorted. I won't waste your time with things that you already know, I'll tell you what you might not know.

This wasn't your fault, you hurt me, you hurt me bad. I'd be lying if I said I never laid up crying about you and feeling about an inch tall. But I'm a big enough boy that I can get through things. Fuck me, I've had a lot of shit and I'm still here, or was. The problem for me was every little thing kept adding up. I went into work and saw people staring at me, I was no longer a man, but just flesh to be looked down upon. Then my managers, people I considered friends spoke down to me like shit. As I write this, I'm probably gonna lose my job, my car and maybe more. My freedom? My career? My happiness?

I wish I could talk to someone, but... Who was I to confide in? Who am I to confide in? I had hidden you just as you had hidden me. So, it left me with a prison of my own creation, abandoned and alone. Please learn from that, don't cut yourself off.

I've gotta say, I'm sorry for this part, but I need someone to know. I'll be at the wind turbine we went to, you know where I mean. Please help them find me, I don't want my mom to have to suffer through a mauled son, as well as a dead one. The turbine we sat at, on that magical day.

All that is left now is for me to wish you the best, I really mean it. I want you to be happy, even if it's with another guy or in another world, but I couldn't see that it would kill me inside even more. I'm sorry for ruining your life, I never wanted that, maybe I was too short sighted. So please, live your life and stop been chained by the assholes in your life, run free and do your thing. Keep being peachy and smile lots.

- Herr Abenteuer."

The next note to his mother read:

"Mumsy,

I honestly don't know where to begin, I'm sorry. That's the most important thing, the words don't prove it, but please, please know that I mean it more than anything. It's just that right now, I can't keep fighting, I wish I was as strong as you. I know you'll be strong enough to keep on going, I'm proud of that. It's probably one of the only things I'm proud of right now.

So many things have happened that I haven't told you about, I wish I had, but... I couldn't. I really don't know why, maybe because I was ashamed or because others made me keep the dirty secret. If you haven't guessed, or found out, I've been seeing Angelika, who I work with. I've had sex with her, I've had her stay over and I loved her. But she ran and now I'm the villain, the bad guy in everyone's eyes. On a night I crave one thing and she might as well be on the other side of the planet.

I loved her Mom, I want her now, but I can't have her. I face losing everything I've worked for since I was 16. Imagine that, a life's work been taken away. I don't want you to feel sorry for me, I'd just hate for you to think I was selfish to leave you and everyone else in this position.

Please don't hate Angelika, she completes me when she's here. If she left and nothing else had of come, this wouldn't have happened, unfortunately we live in a world of bureaucratic assholes, as you know. We also live in a world of judgemental pricks, and it's all proved too much. I don't think I can go on, if I did, I'd be no good to anybody.

So please, don't give up like me, look after everybody else and do what I couldn't do. Keep your head up and tell everyone else what needs to be told. I love you and even death won't take that love.

- Adam."

Key in the door locked, that was all it took to sign away his life, all that was left was to sign away living. He drove to the spot at the reservoir, his safe spot he'd visited with Angelika. There was something almost poetically ironic about him being at his lowest at the same place he'd being at his highest just days before.