The Sectret Love of the Other Man

The reservoir was perfect for many reasons, it ticked all of the boxes. It was isolated enough that his death would be hassle free, that been nobody would see him while doing it. But the reservoir and wind turbines were visited often enough that he wouldn't be left to rot or be picked at by every fox and rat that passed by. It was also his special place; he'd told Angelika how much they relaxed him, and he wanted that to carry over him over to his death.

He laid on the metal stairs, that week before he'd shared with the woman, he could see himself spending his life with, not just spending, but giving. He sat no afraid now, he had no tears, he'd left that behind; at home. He simply stared over the heather and dry-stone walls, focusing on nothing. He slipped his hand into his pocket and popped the pills. He didn't want to die in pain, so he first took a couple to take the edge off and tire himself out. once this kicked is he had one last job, before he popped the rest and left into a sleep of bliss.

The only thing he was still afraid of was he didn't want anybody to suffer more than they already would, so he decided to have an 'insurance policy'. Not only would his last message to her say, but he'd message her in the last way possible to ensure he was found. He emailed her, the only thing he wasn't blocked on, saying:

"I've tried to fight, I've tried to just ignore everything, but nothing's gonna save me now. I am at the safe spot I told you about. Please make sure they find me here; I've left a note with more for you."

With that he set out to take some more, he popped another 8 or so, trying to slip out of awareness as much as possible before taking them all. Little did he know that things were in motion to save him from himself.

It wasn't the first call he'd got; a couple of family members had tried (news clearly spread fast), but this call he answered. That was because it was an unknown number and the mystery appealed to him, he wanted to speak to someone before he slipped away. As if the conversation with someone he didn't know or care about would make it easier for him.

"Yes!" he was tired of playing nice.

"Adam?" the female voice sounded posh and formal, yet it was one he didn't know.

"Hm." he had no energy for pleasantries.

"We've had a call that you're not doing so well. We just want to make sure that is not true and if it is, we want to help you as much as we can."

"Not so well? No, I guess not." He sniggered a little bit, yet he felt no actual humour, it was just a reflex.

"Well, we need to check up on you and make sure you're doing ok and you're not gonna do something that could really hurt you or devastate the people around you. You wouldn't want that, would you?"

Adam had thought about this already and was tired of it, in his mind every reason to stop breathing (since he'd already considered his actual life to be over) outweighed any reason he might have to stay. He was also in no position to answer nonsense questions, so he said nothing; hoping ignoring it would make it go away.

Getting desperate to hold the conversation and to get answers, she cut to the chase: "Why don't you tell me where you are for starters? Then we can talk from there."

Even though she couldn't see him, he still rolled his eyes. Does she think I'm a fucking idiot?

"I don't want to speak to you, I want to be alone."

"Come on Adam, please stay on the line. I know you know, I have to do a job, but it's more than that for me. I recently left my boyfriend and... it was painful. I remember thinking about doing things like you're about to do."

He thought for a second, he could tell her to fuck off, but he wanted to be kind enough.

"Well, that's great."

"Adam, come on think about your family. Think about your mom, you're close, aren't you? Think about Angelika. That must be enough to at least keep you chatting with me."

"It's funny, that's almost enough to make me stop chatting with you."

The conversation went backwards and forwards, as she tried to sympathise and emphasise with him and he denied her the chance. When suddenly he was surrounded by police and paramedics, almost like they had managed to sneak up on him. They took him away from his deathbed and gave him a chance to once again live, but first he had to except his metaphorical death. The man he was the week before was gone, he'd changed his relationship with his family, his lover and himself.

The Pay-out

"So, how long were you a manager? Not this job, just, how long have you been in a managing position?" Tom asked, Adam's therapist.

Adam thought about it for a second, working through a mental timeline of his jobs.

"Probably about six years, yeah, 6 years."

Tom nodded, then flipped through his notes, he continued, "You left home at 16. So that's over a decade alone, well, a decade where you're in control. Right?"

"Yeah, I've always sorted my self out and done my own thing, so moving out young made sense. Among other things."

"Now, think about this carefully because I'm wrong every now and then. But would you say that you've been in a position of control for most of your life and that you've grown to find that you're only comfortable when in control?"

"Well, I think most people crave control."

"C'mon Adam, you know that's not an answer. Do you only feel comfortable when in control?"

Adam looked down, thinking away, before shooting his head back up and making eye contact with Tom, "Yes, I'd say so."

Tom once again looked back on the notes from their two previous sessions, before starting again, "So why does a guy who's needs control get into a position of such vulnerability?"

Adam thought, "I guess I underestimated it."

"Humour me Adam, let's pretend we're talking about another guy... Steve. He's got into a relationship with someone who's committed elsewhere, yet he needs control. Why would he do that?"

Adam sighed, he knew what Tom was doing, "Tom, can we not. I'll be straight up with you, I thought I could control her, it was a challenge. It's only human to take on a challenge, isn't it?"

"I guess it is. Moving on from that, do you think you had such a turn because you didn't have the control you thought you had? Because you'd convinced yourself you could keep her, but she was too unpredictable?"

"She sat there in my living room; she came to me when her husband ran off like the bitch he is. So yes, I suppose you could say I thought she was mine."

"Is she the first woman who you thought was yours, but wasn't?"

Adam sniggered: "Of course not. I fucking wish."

"So, before you've had people who you thought were yours and weren't, but this time pushed you too far, why?"

"It's like you said, I suppose, control. Before I always could go to work, to friends; now they're all against me. I haven't just lost control of her, but of everything else."

Adam scribbled some more notes down and left the whole topic of control. The Session went on for a little while longer, but the pair moved away from the topic of Angelika and focused on other, less important things. This was third time Adam met with Tom; so far, they'd gone over the beginning of their relationship, Adam's dark turn and everything from his childhood to his mates. Adam had been sent on to Tom only a week ago, by one of the mental health nurses who first attended to him that evening.

That week had been hell for Adam. After being found at the reservoir, he had been taken into an ambulance. He was lucky. He hadn't taken enough pills to reach the lethal amount, since they'd found him quicker than he'd hoped, that meant he didn't have to have his stomach pumped or be taken to hospital. Back at his apartment, he was met with police and a mental health nurse. They caught him up with what they knew and explained what would happen with him. They also explained how they'd got rid of the notes he'd left, as to not cause more pain.

The next three days, he spent at his mom's, she wanted to make sure he was as comfortable and as safe as possible. He couldn't remember much else; in fact, he couldn't remember the ambulance ride or the stay at his mom's. Whether it was the large amount of drugs or just him repressing the memories, it didn't matter; that was in the past.

Looking forward: Adam had no plans to talk to Angelika, she'd caused him such pain and he didn't think she deserved any reassurances from him. He wanted to go back to work within the week. Work had been very accommodating, they allowed him to time that he wanted and assured him that he could work from home for as long as he needed. His work was vital to him living, it was one thing that seemed unaltered, it didn't pity him, it still needed doing and it provided some stability.

That next week Adam was busy doing nothing; busy sleeping and resting up, with occasional work in-between, he knew he had to go back to reality, but then it wasn't needed. As the days ticked away, he got more comfortable with the idea of going back to life, of being resurrected. He hadn't heard anything from her, something which would normally kill him, now breathed life into him. He also hadn't been let go from work, which made him feel confident that his career wasn't in pieces. He'd spoken with Tom a lot and knew that no matter what, he could have someone to talk to. So, he prepared himself, little by little, until it came to the penultimate night, were he had no idea where the next day would take him.

That night he did not sleep, his entire body was drenched in a cold sweat, worrying about going back. If he came close to sleep, he was cursed with fantasies, cursed with dreams of his life falling apart. When his alarm clock finally went off, it was a gift to him. He could finally pull himself up and fall back into his routine, getting ready for work like nothing had changed.

In the office he was met by Karen, who he'd last seen in person the day before his dark turn. She stood there with two other managers (Gail from HR and Nicola), that Adam usually spent his days with. There were basic pleasantries, handshakes, and hellos, before the act was dropped and they pulled him in a meeting room. He knew those four walls would be where he spent the rest of the day, while he was told off like a child.

They all took their seats, with the trio on one side of the table and Adam on the other side.

Gail broke the silence, "Firstly Adam, I'd like to say I speak on behalf of the entire company and everyone here when I say we want to express our deepest condolences for you. I'd also like to say, we're glad that you're pulling through and could make it here today."

Gail glanced at Karen and Nicola, both of whom nodded and agreed with her, pretending to care just like she did. Adam didn't have the energy to play the game and just nodded to show his appreciation.

It was then Nicola's turn to 'read' her lines. "Adam, I'd like to also say that we don't want you to feel this is a personal attack, everything said in this meeting is to ensure that all parties come out of this in the most favourable position and we don't intend to offend, we only intend to bring you up to speed with the companies views and what needs to happen." He hated how they danced around him now, like he couldn't handle the slightest insult.

She turned to Karen, who finally set the ball rolling. "Well, if everyone's ready, we can get started on the whole thing."

Gail then took over: "Adam, your position in this company is vital for the overall function, you're an essential piece in getting jobs down. You're also hard to replace, a respected figure. But, with the respect you have and the power, comes certain conditions. You're expected to be an outstanding employee, who acts more professional than your underlings. What you've done has shown us that you can't be trusted to work within the confines of these conditions, by having an affair with Angelika you've.... For lack of a better term, you've spat in our faces. Now people look down upon you, you're no longer a figure of authority, you've diminished your own ability to adequately do your job. I'm sure you can imagine that this puts us in a very difficult position."

Nicola interjected: "Let's not forgot you're not the only one who's been effected. Both Damien and Angelika have been put into very awkward positions, both socially and professionally. As a manager you are expected to put more thought into your actions than Angelika is, therefore, you can be expected to bear more of the brunt. Also, you've made a lot of jobs for us that otherwise wouldn't exist."

Karen took over: "To summarise Adam: you've damaged your relationships with your team, you've damaged your ability to work, you've prevented Damien and Angelika from doing their jobs and performing in the future. Then you have made work for management we shouldn't have to do. You've added dozens of hours of work onto schedule and created and lot of questions."

It went back to Gail. "The questions we have to answer are: What is your role within the company moving on? What is Angelika's? How do we accommodate Damien? Then all the questions that come from moving you or them."

Karen finally allowed Adam a chance to speak. "So, Adam, tell us, what would you do in our position? What position could you see yourself being in?"

Adam thought, his immediate thought was that Damien would be fired and Angelika would be made his personal assistant, or even for things to go back to how they were. He knew he couldn't say that, he knew that it wouldn't float. So, he answered properly: "Look, all I want it a clear answer. I'm not proud of what I've done, but I also refuse to be ashamed of following my feelings. So, I'll perfectly understand if you want to let me go or move me to a different team, I won't make a fuss. All I want is honesty."

The trio nodded and looked at each other as if they're were communicating without speaking, before Nicola looked back: "Well that's really good Adam, we're glad to hear that you're prepared to deal with this calmly. So, we've decided that right now, there is too much for us to deal with and too much pressure on you. So, you're to be suspended with pay for the next week, while we deal with things. Rest assured this isn't an end to your future with us, you'll definitely be back. We just feel, as I'm sure you do, that the situation is a bit too heated to just fix overnight."

That gave Adam hope, he knew that something like that would be the best situation he could hope for at that point in time. He'd happily take another week off to sort himself out, he just hoped that when he came back it wasn't all a lie. That's what he was most afraid of, that Nicola, Karen and Gail would lie to keep him happy for now.

"Look guys, I'm happy with that, I think another week will do me good. But please don't lie to keep my happy, I understand that someone is gonna lose out here and like you said... as a manager I take more responsibility than everybody else."

Karen shook her head, "You have my word that we'll work through this, even if that means you working from home for a month or moving teams. There will definitely be an option other than leaving for you. For now, that's all I think."

The trio smiled and said their goodbyes to Adam, who returned to his desk and slid into his chair to have a minute to truly process everything and think things out. He knew that nothing else would be gained from hanging around and he could still feel the eyes burning into the back of his head, casting their silent judgements. Adam grabbed the few things he brought in for the day and once again left the office feeling unfulfilled.

That week he spent at home trying hard to not worry about the next meeting on Monday and what his future would be. Even a pay cut would still make his life harder and being demoted would kill him; especially since he'd heard through the grapevine that Angelika was getting transferred but was keeping her wage, meaning she was earning over £5000 pounds more than everyone else. Why does she deserve to be rewarded? Why do I deserve to be punished? Even though he was occasionally resentful, he still cared for her and needed her, he thought about trying to get through to her. However, he'd managed to get blocked on every single medium he had to contact her. He could get another phone, he knew that much, but he thought that would be overstepping. So, he left her in his fantasies and continued relaxing, waiting for his final judgement day.

That Monday was a mirror image of the last one; Karen, Gail and Nicola met him at his desk and pulled him into the same meeting room. Something was off though, he could tell. Their eyes never met his, as if they were ashamed of something and their arms didn't move. Their hellos were also very brief and they were eager to get him into the meeting room. He'd managed to keep any anxieties at bay because of their assurances he'd keep his job, suddenly they seemed less concrete. He fought to control his breathing, a mixture of panic and anger rising in him about what could, what would happen in that room.

Once again, the trio sat across from him and waited for him to take his seat, still they looked at the table; Nicola's eyes seemed to dart around from side to side. Karen wasted no time, there were no condolences this time, only a rush to get to the meat of it.

"Adam...." She sighed. "Adam... I may have been slightly misleading last time we spoke and so I have to inform you..." She took another breath. "...inform you that you're no longer needed here, that your to be let go.... Immediately."

Adam was furious, his brow dropped into a glare and he clenched his fists beneath the table, he was getting pissed off with their bullshit games: "So you just outright lied to me, I'm to take all of the blame for this aren't I? You have rewarded her with a pay rise and to compensate I lose my job, maybe even my career. I refuse to take this laying down."

Karen continued, the others were seemingly frozen in their silence, "You can't be trusted Adam, you just can't, your relationship with us is beyond repair. As far as Angelika goes, that's not your concern."

"So that's it? You just throw me away; your promises mean nothing.... I wouldn't be surprised if I got a call tomorrow telling me you'd change your mind again."

"Well.... Not exactly Adam, that is not all, there's more to it, than you losing your job. We are prepared to offer you a deal, in return for leaving without hassle and signing a non-disclosure agreement about this mess. I'm sure you can imagine how this would reflect and head office doesn't want it to, get out."

"A deal? A good deal would be keeping my job."

"£12,000. That is what you'll get, a £12,000 payment with an immediate termination of your current contract. I hope that this is enough to ease some of your concerns."

"I'm still not happy, who's fighting for me? Any of you?" Nobody responded. "No, all you've done is decide everything about me without hearing anything from me. I want my job, not a pay-out and I want more of a chance. You've given her enough of one."

The trio knew they weren't getting anywhere and giving Adam some time might be the best option. "Ok Adam, if you are not happy with that, I can go to my superiors and push your case. I can't promise anything."

"Thank you, that's all I want."

"Well, if you'd like to return to your desk we'll come and get you in an hour or so."

Adam didn't exist; to everyone else it seemed he was a name and actions. He was Adam who enabled an affair, that disgraced the company. He wasn't a person, that's why it was so easy for him to be left alone at his desk, expected to twiddle his thumbs and not make any problems while his fate was decided without any representation. No matter how much he wanted to explode, he knew that while there was a slither of hope that he'd keep his job, or at this point get it back, he'd play nice. He'd been betrayed by everyone, Angelika had cast him out, his work friends had cast him out and now his managers were about to do the same. It seemed any ground he'd gained back, any happiness or confidence, was slowly being pulled back from his ever-weakening grasp. The first hour ticked away, he watched it on the clock with nothing else to do, then the second, coming to the third Gail approached him without her usual partners.