All Comments on 'The Sleepover Pt. 01'

Offended, by a sexy, sensual story of love? No …write more good stories, please.

Excellent start, look8ng for to #2

"But so does her ass." -- What does that mean?

Thank you everyone. Will be writing more, to get immediate information about my stories follow me. You can also mail me about improvements in fridalay1001@gmail.com

It's not the -worst- first submission I've read, but notwithstanding grammatical hiccups it feels frustratingly detached emotionally: everything is described mechanically, and the second-last paragraph is just a sequence of things happening. A lot of amateur stories make the mistake of "telling" the scene, rather than -showing- it: I want to know what the characters are -thinking-, what they're -feeling-, so I can invest myself in their experience.