All Comments on 'The Sleepover Pt. 01'

It's not the -worst- first submission I've read, but notwithstanding grammatical hiccups it feels frustratingly detached emotionally: everything is described mechanically, and the second-last paragraph is just a sequence of things happening. A lot of amateur stories make the mistake of "telling" the scene, rather than -showing- it: I want to know what the characters are -thinking-, what they're -feeling-, so I can invest myself in their experience.

Thank you everyone. Will be writing more, to get immediate information about my stories follow me. You can also mail me about improvements in fridalay1001@gmail.com

"But so does her ass." -- What does that mean?

Excellent start, look8ng for to #2

Offended, by a sexy, sensual story of love? No …write more good stories, please.