The Thin Line Between

"Leaving."

"Are you moving out?"

"Obviously."

"Where are you going?"

I just glared at her. "Why the fuck do you care? Why are you even asking?"

I grabbed my backpack and made to walk out my bedroom door for the last time. Charlie stood in my way. "Please talk to me, Matthew," she said quietly.

I laughed. "Talk to you right now? Why now, Charlie? We've barely shared a word in... shit, four, five years. Why are you attempting it right now?"

She started to cry. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean any of it."

I bent down and glared into her eyes. "Too fucking late for sorry now, isn't it?" I growled, "You made your feelings perfectly clear over a number of years. You had our parents wrapped around your little finger our entire fucking lives and did nothing but make my life miserable. All I ever wanted was a normal relationship with my sister. And you threw that back in my face. So fuck you." I stood up straight, towering over her. "Now get the fuck out of my way."

She did the sensible thing of standing aside. Mum and Dad were at the table in the kitchen. They knew what I was doing, and knew that nothing they said or did was going to stop me. I took out my keys and took two off the keyring. "House keys. Front door. Back door."

"Where are you going?" my father asked.

"Somewhere far away from here."

Mum just cried quietly. "Will you stay in contact?"

"No."

"We have your number and email," Mum said quietly.

"You do."

Neither of my parents moved. This was not a happy goodbye. "Look after yourself, son," my father said.

I nodded towards him. "I will."

Dumping my bag in the passenger seat, I wasn't surprised to see my parents and Charlie follow me outside. Mum and Charlie were both crying. My father watched impassively though I knew the old man was probably breaking inside. I didn't look back at them once I'd turned and driven away.

It doesn't always take a week to drive from Sydney to Perth. You could do it in three days if you pushed yourself, though that would take at least two to three drivers. But I wanted to take my time, spending a couple of days in Adelaide before the long trek across the Nullabor. I made sure my car was in perfect condition, and that I had plenty of supplies, before undertaking the drive. It would take two to three days to cross, always remembering to stop and rest every couple of hours, but otherwise, it was a rather long and boring drive.

Upon arriving in Perth, I quickly found the shop I would soon be working in, got to know a few of the staff and signed the contract. I sat down with my future boss to discuss details.

"You know, Matt, you could always join the Navy if this sort of work interests you."

"You think?"

"You're not far away from 19. The perfect age to join, and with your experience already, they'd probably accept you without a problem. You're fairly fit, right?"

"I like to keep myself in shape."

"Something to think about then. We'd love to keep you on for a long time, but not only will you have the fact you've worked with the Navy on your CV, but you'll get to see some of the world at the same time."

"Do you suggest this to all your new starters?"

He nodded. "We do, actually, because we do some work on behalf of them, and have no problem sending them possible recruits."

I spent a year in my new role before I sat down with the boss again and suggested I was interested in joining the Navy. While sorry to see me go, he supported my decision and I quickly sent through my application to join. I was accepted pretty much immediately, passing the physical tests while my experience meant I was eventually given a role that suited me completely.

All in all, I spent ten years serving in the Navy. It was hard work most of the time, but I had the time of my life. I ended up travelling the world, spending time in bases across Asia, America and Europe. Time on a ship was never dull. There was always something to do. Continuous maintenance, while things failed more often than you'd care to realise. I made friendships that would last a lifetime, though we came from all parts of the country.

Through it all, I barely gave those back in Sydney a second thought. I'd changed my number as soon as I'd reached Perth, but I kept the same email address, just in case something disastrous did happen, such as one of my grandparents passing. I received the occasional email from Mum and Charlie, though I read them then deleted them. I said I wasn't going to keep in touch, and I was keeping my word. I felt like a right bastard, as I occasionally typed out a response to let them know that I was at least still alive, but they only ever sat as drafts. I never pressed send.

The occasional girlfriend asked about my family. I told them the truth. They were back in Sydney, I had no contact with them. A few tried to dig further, and they were shut down. None of the relationships lasted too long. I guess they thought I was damaged goods because of the relationship I had with the relatives. I never said anything bad about them. Not even Charlie. I said my parents were good people. My sister was a good person. So I guess they were left thinking I was the problem. In all honesty, I was just as much to blame. Sometimes I knew I was completely to blame. I'd walked out in the end. But it was too late for things to change.

I will be honest. All the anger and bitterness I had felt upon leaving had disappeared rather quickly, once I was out on my own. I wouldn't exactly say I missed them, but I knew I was fooling myself, as I felt incredibly alone at times. I know mates I'd made on the ship had family waiting for them whenever we returned to shore. As for me, I simply got off the boat and returned to the small apartment I kept. At the end of my last tour, I received an honourable discharge and thanks for my service.

Ten years pass quicker than you realise. I was now 30 years old, single, rather good looking, or so I thought whenever I looked in the mirror, as I was tall enough, looked after myself, still had all my brown hair, kept short, with blue eyes and what I'd been told was a masculine face. I know I certainly turned heads as I walked down the street. I'm not being cocky, it was hard to ignore the occasional stare, from females or males.

Expecting to spend a couple of weeks just relaxing, I opened up my email account to find a message from home. The messages from Sydney had diminished over the years, I guess everyone finally giving up trying to get me to respond, but they still sent one around once a month. This one was from Charlie. It simply said 'Please read me'.

Opening the attachment, it was news I had always expected to receive eventually.

Nanna is in a home with late stage Alzheimer's. She won't last more than another couple of days. We're already organising the funeral. I'm not sure if you'll even read this, but we'd all love for you to come home and at least say goodbye. I'd love for you to come home too.

"Love for me to come home?" I wondered aloud.

I figured it was time to bury the hatchet. Mostly because I'd been fooling myself. I was lonely. And I missed my family. Definitely Mum and Dad, but even Charlie, saddened that our relationship was non-existent, knowing it was my fault. I booked a flight home for early the next day, made sure I had a hire car ready to collect and packed a bag. Arriving at the airport the next day, I'll admit I actually felt a little nervous about returning home, unsure of what sort of reception I'd get. Those words were still floating through my head.

'I'd love for you to come home too.'

*****

I parked up the hire car on the side of the road in front of the house. It was exactly as I remembered. Dad kept the front lawn maintained. Mum tended her flower garden. There were three cars in the drive, all rather new. I guessed two were my parents, while the third may have been Charlie's. I got out and collected my bag, walking up the pathway to the front door and knocked.

Mum opened the door and nearly collapsed in surprise. "Oh god," she whispered before she wrapped her arms around me. "Matthew!" she cried and then burst into tears.

"Hello, Mum," I said quietly. She looked up at me and I smiled. Probably the first time she'd seen me smile at her since I was around 13 or 14. That just made her cry a little more. I just closed my eyes and hugged her tightly. Any residual ill-feeling that may have existed in the back of my mind evaporated as soon as I saw her. She was my mother, and I loved her.

I'm not sure how long she hugged me until I heard a cleared throat, looking up to see my father. Mum let me go of me as he stepped forward. "You look different, Matthew."

"It's a long story, sir."

I noticed the look of surprise at 'sir'. "How are you?"

"I'm good."

He held out his hand, which I accepted, before he dragged me forward to embrace me, hand patting me on the back. "Damned good to see you, son." I swear I heard the old man's voice break.

I blinked rapidly. "You too, Dad."

We cleared out throats and stepped back, Mum hugging me again. "It's been way too long," she whispered.

Of course, I felt guilty, knowing I hadn't communicated with them for over ten years. I'd had reasons at the time that, looking back, were rather petty. No, not just petty. Completely and utterly stupid. I'd put up a wall between us that didn't need to be there. Looking back at how I was a teenager, I couldn't help but shake my head. I shouldn't have been angry at my parents. Or, at least, I shouldn't have been angry at them for as long as I was.

"I'm sorry," I said, "I was an idiot. A stupid, hot-tempered, immature idiot."

"Don't, Matthew. It's okay," my father said, "You're here now. That's all that matters."

"At least we know you're alive now!" Mum exclaimed, "And you have to tell us everything you've been up to."

"And Nanna?" I asked, "The last message said..."

Mum sighed. "She's somehow holding on. Would you like to see her for the last time?"

"What about Pop?"

"Soldiering on, as always."

"You want to go see her and say goodbye?" Dad asked. I nodded. "Charlie is there now."

"Oh..."

Mum stepped back and looked at Dad. "Is that a problem?" Dad asked gently.

I shook my head. "No. It's fine." I thumbed outside. "We can go now if you want. We can take my hire car. Guess I'll just need to dump my bag first."

"You can take your old room, Matthew," Mum said. That surprised me, and my face must have shown that. "We always hoped...."

I wandered through the house towards my old room, opening the door to be transported to the past. The double bed had clearly been made up for a potential visit. The walls had been painted, the few posters I had on the walls having disappeared. The closet was empty of clothes; I'd taken everything with me when I'd left. The TV and stereo I had, that I'd left behind, were still in place. But it was obvious that the parents had never planned for this to be anything else.

"We should talk when we get back, Matthew," I heard my father say behind me.

I put my bag on the bed and turned to face him. "Sure thing, Dad. I guess we have a lot of catching up to do."

He met my eyes and nodded. I think he wanted to say something else, but kept it to himself for the time being.

There wasn't a lot of talking on the way to the care home. It wasn't really the time to start sharing our thoughts and feelings about everything. Mum had insisted sitting as shotgun, and the car being an automatic, she spent the entire time holding my hand. After parking up at the care home, the three of us signed in before walking through long, well-lit corridors towards the room. My parents walked in first, hearing Charlie say hello to them, before I walked in a couple of seconds later.

She turned towards me and dropped the plastic cup of water she was holding. "Holy shit," she muttered, "Matthew, is that you?" I nodded, a little speechless myself.

Charlie was... She was just... beautiful. I know I stared at her, jaw hanging open slightly, as her eyes definitely ran up and down my physique. She slowly walked towards me, her eyes drinking me in, before she wrapped her arms around me. I didn't stop her, completing the hug. I racked my mind, wondering when we had last held each other in such a way. "I've missed you," she whispered into my chest. I wasn't sure how tall she was. Maybe 5'6 at most. I felt her breasts press into me. She smelled... wonderful. Blood started to flow south, which surprised the hell out of me.

Ever read those stories of siblings who'd never met that had an attraction to each other, not knowing they were related? That's what I was feeling right now, because still in my mind was the fact I hadn't thought of Charlie as a sister for years.

Mum cleared her throat, breaking up our hug, though I couldn't help notice the smile on her face, and I know I returned it. Then my attention turned to Nanna. Pop was on the opposite side of the bed. He looked old, but still fit as a fiddle. He nodded towards me. "Matthew, good to see you."

"You too, sir," I said, reaching across to shake his rather bony hand. I noticed the surprise on his face, and my fathers. They obviously had no idea why.

I then turned my attention to Nanna. She was awake, though there was next to no life in her eyes. Certainly no indication she recognised me at all. The vibrant, elderly woman I remember from over a decade ago had disappeared. It's not that she didn't look well, though her face was rather gaunt, and it was hard to ignore the machinery around her that probably kept her alive. It was just clear that she was waiting to die.

Pop took hold of her hand and said something that damn near caused me to break down. "I think she's been waiting for you to return, Matthew."

"We all have," Mum said quietly, "Before she started to go, Mum always wondered when you would walk through out door again. At least you're back in time to say goodbye."

We spent at least an hour in the room, not talking much. It wasn't the time or place. Mum and Charlie took turns sitting next to me on the small couch, Mum holding my hand while Charlie wrapped an arm around my waist. Not too difficult, though it would have been harder around my shoulders, considering they were rather broad.

A nurse eventually wandered into the room and politely informed us that visiting hours were over. We all kissed Nanna goodbye, before Pop spoke to the nurse in private. He would stay, as we knew there wasn't long to go now. "Are you sure you don't want us to stay?" Mum asked.

"Go home and be with your son. They will call when it happens. I'll be fine." Pop wasn't one to show emotion. And he wasn't about to fall apart now. From the little I'd heard from them, he'd been watching his wife slowly die over the past five years. He'd long said goodbye to her. Now he was just observing her finally be at peace. I had a feeling Mum, Dad and Charlie felt the same.

"I don't know about you, but I can do with a drink," I stated once the four of us were in my car, "Where's the nearest bottle shop?"

"I can direct, Matthew," Charlie said, my parents in the backseat.

I picked up a bottle of Jack Daniels, while the others grabbed whatever they wanted. We stopped for a take-away lunch on route as well, gathering around the table once back at home, digging into the burgers and chips we'd bought. It was the first time we'd sat down and eaten as a family in over a decade. Mum couldn't stop smiling, while Charlie sat next to me, dragging her chair closer until her arm was rubbing against mine. Once dinner was finished, we sat around in silence for a few minutes, just sipping at our drinks.

"Should we move into the living room and talk, Matthew?" my father finally suggested.

"Sure."

The living room had two couches. Mum and Dad sat on one, I sat on the other with Charlie beside me. Again, she sat as close as possible to me, leaving me a little confused as to why she wanted to be so close to me. She looked me in the eyes and smiled. I returned the gesture, resulting in her just cuddling into my side. My confusion increased as my body started to react again to the presence of a rather attractive woman. It didn't help that I hadn't looked upon the woman next to me as a sister in years.

"So, where have you been, Matthew?" Dad asked.

"You want the long or short version, sir?"

"We have all evening, Matthew. Whatever you want."

"Okay, let's see. The day I left, I spent a week driving all the way to Perth. I'd lined up a job there working on ships."

"We're aware you worked as a mechanic," Mum said, "But you were good at it?

"Yeah, I like to think so. Have some good recommendations from everywhere I've been employed. So I worked there for a year before I joined the Navy."

"You joined the Armed Forces? Served our country?" I nodded, and I met his gaze. I don't think I'd ever seen him so proud of me until that moment. It obviously explained the occasional 'sir'.

"Served for around ten years until just after my 30^th. Been all around the world. Singapore. Los Angeles and San Fran. Ended up in Europe at one stage, working alongside the Royal Navy."

"What rank did you reach?"

"CPO." I noticed three confused looks. "Chief Petty Officer. The only reason I was able to be discharged when I wanted is that there was an adequate replacement on the ship."

"So did they call you 'Chief' like in the movies?" Mum asked, giggling to herself.

I couldn't help smile. "Yes, they did. And serving is nothing like you see in the movies. When you're at sea, it's pretty much non-stop. These ships are the best money can buy, but it's amazing how often something will go wrong. Then again, shore leave could be... ah..." I trailed off, though my father gave me a knowing glance.

"Subs or ships?" Dad wondered.

"Frigates. To be honest, it was lucky Charlie's message arrived when it did. I'd only just arrived back from my last tour."

"So what are your plans now, son?"

I shrugged. "I hadn't given it a lot of thought, to be honest. Take a break, I guess."

"Have a wife or girlfriend?" Charlie wondered.

"No. I'm single."

"Why?"

I shrugged again. "Haven't found the right woman, I guess."

"So no grandkids?" Mum asked.

"No, Mum. Or, at least, none that I'm aware of."

"Matthew!"

I laughed. "Don't worry, Mum. I'm always careful."

We continued to chat until the late afternoon, when Mum said she'd start making some dinner. Charlie disappeared, leaving me with Dad, where we chatted about nothing in particular. Mostly about sports, as despite the time at sea, I always managed to keep up to date with the latest results. I asked about his job. He said he was now counting down until his retirement. Mum had retired early and now just looked after the house. I asked about Charlie, Dad suggesting I should ask her instead of him.

"She missed you, you know," he finally said, "I'm not sure what happened between you two, but she always cared for you. Loved you as an older sister should. She was heartbroken when you just walked out on us."

"Dad..."

"Tell me the truth, son. What happened? What caused you to... hate her, us, for so long?"

I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my thighs, running a hand over my short hair. I sensed movement and looked up to see Charlie enter the room, no doubt intent on hearing what I had to say.

"I remember the exact day. The day you found cigarettes in my room when I was 14 years old." I noticed the looked shared between Dad and Charlie. "They were not fucking mine," I stated softly, keeping the anger out of my tone for the moment, "But you didn't believe a word I said. You never did. From that moment, I let only the bad thoughts consume me. In the end, I couldn't stop even if I wanted to. I was committed, all in, I guess you could say."