The Voice in the Dark Ch. 04

"We have been worried about you, Jess. We called Lucy but she was just as perplexed as we were. Then Justin messaged us wanting to know if we could convince you to talk to him, and when we told him we haven't heard from you in a while he was worried too. Your mother then packed our bags and we got on the first available flight."

I stay silent, as I know that Steve's soft gentle tone is in preparation for my mother's screaming.

"It's not like you, Jess! You don't just vanish! If I hadn't found you sleeping in that room I would have got the police involved. I haven't slept in days. Why are you doing this to me?"

Still, I say nothing. <i What can I say? i> I bow my head and my eyes focus on my tea and toast.

"Look at me when I'm talking to you, Jess." I look down in defiance and slowly nibble at my toast as my mum sighs in frustration.

"Steve. What am I going to do with her? She's completely unmanageable."

I bite my tongue until I feel I am about to draw blood, and I breathe through the anger as best I can.

"Now Ellen, she is a twenty-six year old woman. Not a child," Steve says to her calmly.

And it's at this point that I hold back no longer.

"Ellen Aston Lucas, I haven't been in touch because I am annoyed at you," I say, matching her condescending tone, "Have you forgotten our last argument over the phone? You know, where you took the word of my ex-boyfriend more seriously than your daughter's? I have been dealing with a broken heart, stressing about my best friend, and to top it all off: I might be losing my job any day now. Is that enough of an explanation of why I might have been MIA?'

The floodgates have opened, and I can no longer stop it.

"Steve, while I appreciate everything you have done for me and my mum, I don't need you to stick up for me. You're not my father. I'm a grown woman. It's your responsibility to manage your wife. So for the love of god, get her under control."

I regret the words almost as soon as they come out of my mouth but I just can't help myself. The look from my mum is incredulous and she is about to open her mouth to say something but I cut her off.

"No! For once in your life, shut up and listen," I can feel the anger boiling up inside me. Years of repressed rage is finally coming to the surface, and it will not be ignored.

"When are you going to realise that not everything is about you? That I may have other things in my life to take care of, or that I can't make you the centre of my world anymore? Ya know, I spent all of my teens missing out on so much to look after you. I didn't get to experience any of what other kids had back then. I know you lost your husband, but I LOST MY FATHER! I never got to grieve properly. Everything was always about you! And it still is! Then when someone else came along to make you their world I no longer mattered, unless it was to criticise my life choices!"

"Jess, that's enough! What's gotten into you?"

"No. I will NOT be silenced, Ellen. You have gotten away with not listening for long enough. You need to listen to me now. How dare you think that you can come over here and tell me that my breakup was my fault. Or that I am not justified in needing time away from everything. It's my life. NOT YOURS. And just so you know: The real reason Justin ended things with me is because he blamed me for his book rejection! There, how do you like your perfect future son-in-law now?"

My mum is rooted to the spot and Steve is leaning against the worktop with a stunned look as everything comes out. My mum's hard, determined look slowly crumbles and her mouth drops open. I don't know how long I continue with my tirade, but the next thing I know I have collapsed to the floor in hard, racking sobs that take all the energy out of me. I wonder in the back of my mind just how much more crying I am capable of doing until I break. Until I become numb.

I wrap my arms protectively around myself as my sobs overtake me, but then soft, comforting arms envelope me and wrap a blanket around me. My eyes remain closed but I can feel my mother hold me closer than she has in a long time, cooing and shushing me as she allows me to get out what I am feeling. She holds me close and I wrap my arms around her too, feeling the power of her maternal love.

"There, there, Jess. Don't cry, Sweetheart. We'll get through this. I promise. Mama is here."

I sob my heart out into her white blazer and although I hate to think how it might be messing up her perfect appearance, she is doing what she should have done years ago. She doesn't shed one tear and her maternal strength is exactly what I need.

When I finally calm down enough to talk, she says: "You're right Sweetheart. It wasn't fair for me to rely so much on you after your father died. You were all I had back then, and I guess I just couldn't be the mother you needed. We both lost a lot, but you shouldn't have had to be the parent. Things got better after a while, then I found Steve, and I... I suppose I never really stopped to think about the fact that you aren't a child anymore, did I? I just wish you had talked to me more, even if you thought I didn't want to hear it. You know I love you, right?"

I burst into tears again and hug her even closer to me, "I love you too, Mama."

We hold each other close, and I realise that this is the most I have told my mother in years. Lucy and all my close friends back home were always the ones I turned to when I needed comforting. And I am surprised at how emotionally mature my mum is at this moment. Despite how much she drives me mad sometimes, I know she has only ever been governed by the best of intentions.

It feels like we have been holding each other and crying for an eternity when Steve helps both me and my mother up from the floor and we go sit in the living room. He then goes back to make some coffee and leaves us alone as we talk more calmly.

"So, when are you going to see Lucy?" She says with a calm and soothing tone. "She's worried about you. She was a wreck when I saw her this morning"

I know there are things I can never tell her, but I keep to the truth as best I can.

"We finally realised that we aren't perfect and make mistakes. It was over something silly really. I guess I just needed a night away from her."

I can tell she isn't convinced but she doesn't push, and I am glad. We have a long way to go, and all her transgressions against me, and mine against her can't be undone just like that, but this is a good first step.

I tell her a little bit of the truth, "She is scared of ruining a new relationship with someone, and she's very much a Mistress of Self-Sabotage. It's like she can't quite bring herself to be happy, and I was angry at her for that."

"You know, your dad always used to say: <i If life were simple, we would never have any fun." i>

We both laugh and I take comfort in the rare moments that she talks about my dad. Steve, to my knowledge, has never been uncomfortable with hearing about him, but I suppose it's hard for her, and I hold her close in hopes that this means she will talk about him as often as she is able to.

Steve then comes back into the room with the tray of coffee and tea as well as some nice biscuits they brought back from the UK. I rejoice at seeing <i Bourbon Biscuits i>, <i Custard Creams i> and <i Jaffa Cakes i> piled high on a plate. My mum squeezes my hand and excuses herself momentarily to go to the bathroom.

While Steve busies himself with the tea, I can't help but feel a wave of guilt wash over me for what I said. He loves my mum and I can't fault him for loving her and looking after the daughter that comes with her.

"I'm sorry for what I said, Steve. You didn't deserve that. I didn't mean..."

He interrupts me and says "I know I am not your dad, Jess, and I am not trying to be. But that doesn't mean I don't care about you. I love your mum, and she loves you. I want to make her happy. If we can understand where the other is coming from, I hope we can at least be friends. Can we try and be that?"

I nod, fully acknowledging that I am here because of his generosity. My mum is safe, loved and cared for, and I can't think of any reason to resent him. So I get up and give him a hug for the very first time since he married my mum. A real hug. He's hesitant at first, but then he returns it and the strength of his arms reminds me of how my dad used to hold me close as a little girl.

"Thank you, Steve. For everything," I say, not quite sure what else to say. Luckily, Steve doesn't feel the need to push for further explanations and we continue to hug for a while. And from the corner of my eye, I see my mum come into the room and beam with happiness.

<HR ***>

I text Lucy explaining that I will be home the next day, just as Steve answers the door to a delivery man and gets out the plates in time for dinner and mum sets up a movie on <i Netflix i>.

It feels strange as we have never done this before, but I am glad that we are taking the steps to make it happen. To feel like we can do something as a family. Because that's what we are, and we have to start somewhere. We aren't the perfect family, but show me the perfect one, why don't you?

We spent the day doing odds and ends and even going out for a walk together around central park, just to pass the time. We didn't say much after our talk this morning, and I was glad. There was a lot that simply didn't need to be said, but there was a lot that I needed to process. As I walked through the park with my mind on other things, I was glad to see my mum lovingly holding hands with Steve and I thought about Lucy and Ricardo, and how much I would love to see them being happy like this. I even remembered moments between me and Justin without feeling resentful of what came after. It made me feel warm inside that I could forget all my troubles for a while.

As we watch the movie and enjoy the amazing Chinese takeaway, I feel at peace for the first time in over a week. Whilst I wouldn't trade the life I have built here, I want to enjoy my home and my family a little more. I always found excuses not to go back in the past couple of years I have been here, except at Christmas when I had to come home to a world full of people, places and routines that were foreign to me. My mother would cook a beautiful dinner with all their friends and I would be counting down the days until I could head back to New York.

My mum and I still have a lot to learn about each other and I need to learn to balance my need for independence with the love of my family. Not an easy task, even for people who don't have such a complicated Mother/Daughter relationship as we do. But I love my mum and I don't want to lose her, despite how much she drives me crazy sometimes.

Steve nearly fell asleep in the chair three times, not surprising given the jetlag, and made his excuses sometime later. I stay up on the balcony staring at the bright lights of the city below, and to my surprise, mum comes onto the balcony with a blanket that she wraps around us both despite the humidity and sits beside me not saying anything.

"Mum..." I say, not knowing what to say

She gives a slight murmur of acknowledgement, in understanding of how unprepared I am for this moment. Not once taking her eyes off the skyline.

We sit for another moment or two in silence and I want to say something else, but she then takes my hand and says:

"I am sorry I wasn't on your side about Justin, Sweetheart. I just wanted you to be as happy as I am with Steve. Justin seemed so sweet and caring, and I honestly thought that he'd be around for the long-term, but I should have listened to you. I truly do mean it when I say I am sorry." She grabs my hand tighter and I kiss the top of her head.

"It wasn't all his fault," I say in sad resignation, "I knew that I wasn't always the best partner, and I did think many times that I had driven him away, but... "

My mum suddenly interrupts with a passion I haven't heard used in my defence for a long time, "Drive him away? Honey, you can never drive away the right man. He would stay and fight for you every day. Just you wait, he is out there for you somewhere."

"What if...?" I suddenly say, with every intention of saying what I need to, but I can't get the words out.

"What is it, Love?"

I pause a little longer, and look into her eyes which are baby blue, like mine, and my mouth closes again. She doesn't say anything, although it's clear she wants to and I really try and get it out.

"What if... I never find that person? What if there isn't a person for me out there?"

"There's someone out there for everyone, Darling. You just haven't found them yet."

I don't comment on this and instead stare at the Skyline again, not quite sure how to put into words how that sounds to me.

She pauses and attempts to open her mouth a couple of times before she finally blurts out: "I know this may not make sense to you, Jess. But I like to think Steve coming into my life is your Dad's way of looking after me when he can't be here himself."

I see her wipe away a tear in the corner of her eye, and I smile with compassion. After having lost so much, I suppose she needs that comforting idea to get out of bed in the morning. She is a strong woman, and has really worked hard to change her life and be happy again, especially with a child to raise. She tried her best, and I can't hold her growth against her but I am just not sure how this would fit into my life.

I know Lucy and I would never be more than friends, given our sexual attraction doesn't necessarily translate to a long-term relationship, but I still can't picture her not being in my life, or my bed for that matter. No matter how mad at her I am. Then, my thoughts are taken to another voice I hear late at night and I can't help but sigh longingly.

"Penny for your thoughts, Darling" and I hold her close.

"I am thinking that I may have to go to bed soon. I'll need a clear head if I am going to sort things out. Thanks Mum, talking to you has been exactly what I need. "

She sighs and I know she wants to push further, but instead she says: "Well, Steve and I are here until next Saturday when we fly home. We have to start somewhere, don't we?"

As I prepare for bed, I can't help but feel a lot calmer, more focused and I am thankful that my mum made the long journey here to check if I was okay. I can't say that I have come to rely on her yet, but I am at least happy to know that she can prove me wrong sometimes.

As I finish brushing my teeth, I suddenly feel an urge to look at my phone. I have studiously ignored it for hours to get my head on straight, but I feel ready to face my problems in a way I wasn't this morning or yesterday. <i What a difference a day makes. i>

I see Lucy hasn't responded to my texts from earlier and I guess that's understandable but I see a text that I thought I could just ignore and then all of it would eventually just fade into the background. My stomach twists in sad recognition of what needs to be done once and for all as I get ready to go out again.

<HR ***>

I spy him from across the room as I enter our favourite little cafe near Central Park. I used to come here with him early in the mornings when we first started seeing each other and my mind is flooded with memories of all the good times we shared. Every stolen kiss, every afternoon coffee, every secret touch under the table that spoke of such intense pleasures that would happen later.

I smile fondly at the memories, and remember to think of this moment with just as much kindness to myself, and him, in the future. Though he's still every bit as handsome, he's very different to me now.

"Hey, thanks for agreeing to meet me," Justin says, looking like he has barely slept for days. He has two takeaway coffee cups, no doubt tea for me, and a couple of beautifully made bagels that smell divine but right now are making me feel sick.

"I need to get out what I am here to say once and for all, Justin. If you give me a few minutes to say what I need to, I would appreciate it."

He nods and then listens as I say what I have wanted to say for a long time.

"Justin. I am sorry. I should have listened to you more instead of trying to fix things, and expect it all to just go away if I tried hard enough. You couldn't be a good partner to me, and I accept that. I also knew that, on some level, I couldn't have helped no matter what I did. That was your problem to solve."

Justin looks at me as if he isn't quite sure what to do or say next.

"The way you left was awful, and lying to me about the real reason was a shitty thing to do. You know how much you hurt me, and I am not ashamed to say that I feel better in some way knowing that you felt guilty about how you treated me. Now, I am just at the point where I don't want to hate you for what you did anymore. What's done is done."

He listens intently, leaning on his elbows and clenching his jaw in anticipation.

"But... I can't really come back from how you treated me. I thought I could trust you, but lying to me about what was really going on, no matter the reason, isn't the way to have a relationship. Whatever happens in the future, I think we need to forgive each other and find a way to be happy again. I ask that you respect that."

He waits until he is sure I have finished and then takes a sip from his coffee before speaking.

"Jess. I..."

I know he is trying to think of the right words to say to me. Every argument we ever had, big or small, could always be fixed by him saying the right things, and I want so badly for that to be the case now. But I know there's nothing he could say to make this right. <i Isn't it funny how redundant words can become? i>

We stare at each other intently, not quite sure how to move forward, until he finally says:

"You're right, Jess. I hope that we can at least think of each other fondly in the future."

I nod, knowing that's all I can give right now. I look at his beautiful face, his strong hands, his sad expression, how his back is hunched over. It's like we have finally let go of a weight that has been anchoring both of us down, and now that he is free of it, he knows it will take a long time to stand up right again.

When it's finally time to leave, I stand up with more conviction than I have felt in days and I smile at him. I move over to the other side of the table and hold his face in my hands as I kiss him one more time. He tastes of sweet cinnamon and mint, as well as his own unique flavour. His skin is soft under my fingertips and I commit this moment to memory as we part and I bite my lip to stop myself from crying.

As painful as this is, it's necessary. I want to build myself back up again after so much pain, and I know that the best is yet to come.

"Jess... I"

I put a finger to his lips and stare into his eyes as I say:

"Go do what makes you happy. You deserve it"

He holds my face and stares into my eyes sadly before he says, "You'll always be special to me, Jess."

He then releases me and I walk to the door quickly. I want to get out before I start blubbering and I don't allow myself to look back.

As I walk along the streets of NYC, the tears are blurring my vision as I allow myself one more time to mourn my loss. Even if it is for the best, it doesn't make it any less painful. I honestly wish him the best of luck in his life, whatever that means for him.

Luckily, the coffee shop is only a few streets away from Steve's apartment and I note that I have only been gone for about an hour, enough so that I hope that my mum won't come looking for me. I sigh with relief, but also knowing that was only the first step in making things right in my world again.