TIG OLE' BITTIES

"HEY MAN?!!" Someone called out to me from the opposite side of the residential street. It was semi-busy the first week of spring break filled with groups of kids milling about. Someone had been yelling at me for a minute as I strolled drinking a cheap soda.

"HUH, WHAT?!!" I looked in the direction of the person yelling finding some tall lanky kid across the street towering over a few of his peers which including a few rough looking girls as well. All of them looked no older than fourteen or fifteen. They were partially obscured by a few parked cars on the opposite side of that street.

"YOU WON!!"

"WON WHAT?!!" I yelled back annoyed shrugging arms open.

"THE WET T-SHIRT CONTEST NIGGA!!" Several water balloons came flying through the air before I even had time to react striking my torso and one of my legs. A single balloon exploded off my temple as their laughter echoed.

"What the fuck?" I smelled my hand realizing some if not all of those balloons were filled with piss as the kids started running off laughing. A few feet away some couple was standing there busting up at my predicament along with a mailman.

I saw red.

"COME HERE YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!" I took off running across the street drenched and smelling of urine trying to catch anybody, but the juvenile rogues scattered disappearing between the row houses leaving that lanky kid.

We ended up in an epic chase which ended when the adrenaline fueled punk outdistanced me hitting an immediate right at the end of block. I caught up just in time to see the asshole running into a three story apartment building that had a huge group of gangbangers loitering out front.

That was a wrap. I had no clue what apartment he lived in and the phalanx of ten or more criminal looking guys presented a problem I didn't want in the least. So I was obliged to walk the four or more blocks back to my house after leaving it due to irritation from my siblings.

One of my sister's friends was tying the knot and she had been pegged as a bridesmaid along with a cousin and one of their mutual friends. From the moment they arrived several shopping bags in tow already screaming and fighting, my home had become a no fly zone. I'd gone down to the store for a drink I didn't need and secured a movie from a rare Redbox vending machine in the hood.

I was worried that my odorous state would invite more ridicule from my peers hoping my mother wasn't home from a half day of work yet. This wedding was supposed to be a mini-royal affair because the groom's family was supposedly loaded to the gills. We were invited as part of the brides side of things so because of that, the modest two story duplex I lived in became ground zero.

I wanted to go despite the chaos in my home because I honestly wanted to see how rich people lived. The whole thing was taking place on the far north side of town at some estate. I was already thinking of the pics I would post on my social media.

"I'm home!" I yelled opening the door with the key hung around my neck. No one answered which was a boon to me because I didn't have to explain myself or why I reeked of urine.

I hit the stairs up to the second floor of my house where the kid's rooms were situated. My parents idea for this was that we wouldn't be able to sneak out without them catching us because they would hear us coming down the stairs. Their bedroom was on the first floor and this never stopped my sister from catting out on multiple occasions.

The one time I'd attempted sneaking out to a school function, I'd been busted with my hand on the door handle by my ever vigilant mother. Instead of going out that weekend I was relegated to hard labor which included the painting of my sister's room who was suspicious by her absence, catting out again. Mom played it off.

"What the fuck?" I mumbled finding crap all over the corridor in the form of discarded boxes of various sizes along with some clutter from the closet at the end of the corridor. No one was getting hitched in this house, but the curse of Bridezilla was readily apparent.

Thankfully my room remained undisturbed and clean to a fault. I was particular about my things and worked hard to keep my snooping mother at bay. These days my parents were divorced with my dad working halfway across the world on an oil rig. Mom was always running him down especially after he'd remarried getting hitched with this south Asian he met during a divorce vacation after getting shafted in the courts.

This made me his unintentional proxy in the house which was wholly matriarchal at this point. The guest bedroom was being shared by my cousin and her friend. I got a glimpse inside finding the interior looked like the aftermath of a black Friday shopping spree.

"I'm probably gonna have to clean that shit up." I mumbled under my breath stripping down to my boxers walking to the bathroom with a baggie containing all of my toiletries.

My mother insisted we keep our towels and everything in our rooms leaving the racks inside the bathroom bare due to a donnybrook I had with my older sister after she used up all the available linen. Sometimes I felt like a second class citizen in my own home because mom mostly looked the other way whenever my sister was out of pocket.

"Huh?" There was music lightly wafting from behind the half opened bathroom door, Skeelo's "I Wish" to be exact.

I inched forward taking a peek through the cracked door finding the bathroom occupied presently.

Deana the aforementioned friend of my cousin was standing in front of the bathroom mirror staring at her reflection obviously enjoying the view. The gods above seemed to be answering my prayers because I'd always had sort of a crush on this twenty something since we met at a cookout.

Of course she never gave me the time of day thinking of me as some goofy kid despite our two year age gap.

"Oh my, damn."

Visually speaking imagine a young Nia long a shade or two darker with pretty much the body of this porn star Maserati XXX on the slightly leaner side of the spectrum. Yeah, I was instantly smitten and she liked to have fun making me do whatever she wished when visiting. Along with those looks, I was a willing acolyte because of the melons sitting Majestically on her chest.

Deana was topless wearing a skimpy pair of white sheer lacy panties that left nothing to the imagination.

More importantly like I mentioned before, Deana was topless. I was getting way more than I'd ever hoped for in a life time of dreaming about those boobs since we'd met at that cookout. She'd always had a prominent set of knockers but kept them under wraps for the most part under threat of corporal punishment by the severely strict grandmother she lived with after being bounced out of her parent's house. Now she was half naked in my bathroom.

I found myself thanking the little shits who'd hit me with a barrage of piss filled water balloons.

It had been a few months since we last met but I never forgot that spaghetti strap tank and shorts she wore which garnered more attention from the male contingent of that backyard than myself. It literally looked as if her offerings would snap those thin straps and give everybody a treat but it never happened.

Deana was almost swarmed by men old and young alike until her little clique including my cousin and sister had to cut out for greener pastures. I was snatched away during this and nearly given a concussion by purse from a portly aunt and later got that work put in by my mother for "embarrassing her" out in public for acting "mannish"; I hated that word.

Now here Deana was in my bathroom giving me what I'd karmically earned after that ordeal and another where I was unceremoniously pantsed by a college aged romantic suitor when she was all of seventeen years of age. Never mind the ten minute scuffle that followed with me pummeling that fool who was unaware of my boxing lessons from an early age.

My reward for entertaining her and the girls was a double pinch to my cheeks and a fucking pat on the head. Later on my sister told me they were already hooking up before that shit even happened. I got clowned for so long after that I ended up playing it off before bringing a casual girl I was seeing around the house to shut up my hecklers.

Her she was in my bathroom arms outstretched above her head doing some sort of sensual striptease like dance swaying her hips to the music snapping her fingers. Her knockers were full, sloping, and spectacular in a side view with large darkened areolas and prominent nips begging to be suckled.

FYI, I have a really extreme breast fetish that I haven't really been able to indulge since finding an old dirty book containing scores of these women at the cusp of puberty.

It just stuck over the years and I found myself mostly chasing girls that fit this aesthetic much to the chagrin of my first sort of girlfriend. I'm a bit gifted downstairs and her perky B-Cups weren't much of a fit, tit fucking wise to be honest.

I'd scratched that particular sexual quirk a few times most notably using the jiggly 36DD tits of some fat broad from school although she was a shrewd business woman taking it out in trade for a serious pound out of her box until she was left lying before I was allowed to get her boobs to my satisfaction.

Now the source of that quirk was standing a foot away enjoying some alone time in narcissistic fashion. Deana was rocking the shoulder length curls with one side shaved down close perfectly faded. There were these shaved in double lines an inch of her left ear which had what looked like a sole sparkling diamond earring inset. This was my ideal as evidence by the tent I was sporting downstairs.

Her rich chocolate skin tone added to everything making her full sloping melons and coffee darkened nipples fill my mouth with copious amounts of saliva. She was rather slim in the middle, but her butt was round, compact, and tight as fuck begging to be stuffed.

Deana was actually mouthing the words to the song getting her groove on in private. I figured she was getting ready for a date or something, probably going out clubbing with my sister and cousin. Then it dawned on me that she might be preparing for the bachelorette party with images of her hooking up with some male stripper filling my addled mind.

"Fuck." I mouthed under my breath getting a visual high.

Her butt looked incredible in those skimpy lace panties bopping and twerking a bit as she danced. Deana suddenly bent at the waist making those panties ride deep enough in her crack they disappeared. She had a perfect thigh gap calling out to me in the worst way but that was out of the question as I suddenly found her looking directly at me. She was still bent over at a ninety degree angle.

"What the fuck?" She had this soft breezy sounding voice that caught you off guard no matter what she was doing. Before I had time to react she was standing in the door looking at me standing there in my underwear.

"UHM, SHIT, UH FUCK I WAS, UH I DIDN'T THINK ANYBODY WAS HERE!!" I stammered like all the prior times we'd had the briefest of conversations. Deana was about five seven in height while I was a good head and a half taller.

"What you think you doing Robert?" She was smiling and it wasn't lost on me that she hadn't bothered to cover up letting it all hang out.

"I UH, WAS GONNA USE THE BATHROOM; I MEAN UH, NOT THE TOILET BUT THE SHOWER!!" I hated myself for not being able to control my nervousness around her. Having Deana standing there right in front of me topless and grinning had me about to spazz out, possibly faint. She looked down at her own huge knockers then up at my face amused.

"Like what you see Robert, huh? You like my titties right, nigga?" Her tone was playful, but I was making an ass of myself standing in front of Deana shaking like a gimp.

Before I could answer, due to my height I noticed something peculiar on top of the bathroom sink. There was a little mirror resting there with three white lines and a half. My mouth was hanging open as I noticed a rolled up dollar bill in her hand propped up on the door. There was the reason for the lack of shame in her game.

Deana was doing blow in the bathroom.

"HEY DEANA GIRL I HEARD YOU WASN'T FEELING UP TO A TRIP DOWNTOWN TO THE MALL SO I BROUGHT YOU SOME MEDICINE!!" Suddenly were both interrupted by the unmistakable screech of my mother's voice halfway up the stairwell. Deana's face went static devoid of color, almost ashen in retrospect.

Before I even knew it Deana's palm shot out delivering the mother of all pancake slaps to the side of my head.

I went over like a ton of bricks damn near head first in the corridor.

It felt like somebody hit me in the head with a fucking cobblestone or something. My mother appeared at the end of the corridor standing there with two plastic bags, one from a local takeout joint getting the full Monty of her eighteen year old son sprawled out in his boxers. To make matters worse, my not so little head decided it was time for an impromptu family reunion.

"STOP MESSING WITH ME YOU FUCKING PERVERT, YOU BETTER LEAVE ME ALONE!!"

Deana ended the false accusation was a sustained scream queen screech that would've made Jaime Lee Curtis proud. This scream ended with the loud slamming of that bathroom door in THX quality sound.

Mom's bags hit the floor in dramatic fashion.

"ROBERT!!!!"

**********************************************************************************************************

"WAKE YOUR ASS UP!!" I stirred finding still myself in the front cab of my Uncle Eddie's Mack truck. We were still out in open road and I had no idea how close we were to my current destination instantly brooding.

"Huh!"

"You're supposed to be keeping me company Rob; are you gonna sleep the whole trip?" I was exhausted from the long journey from the city that started several hours earlier in the middle of the night.

My uncle Eddie from my mother's side of the family was presently ferrying me across country to live for a week or more in sentenced exile. I'd been framed perfectly by Deana who I now knew to be an undercover hype. Things nearly got medieval after I was "caught" trying to get "mannish" with the lying bitch who played the victim role to perfection hiding out in her room. For all I knew, she probably even finished off her stash of blow.

"Wanna talk about it?"

"Nope."

"Come on Rob, you know how stupid it was trying to get a piece in your mother's house? Do you have any idea how lucky you were the police weren't involved? Did sis beat on that ass so much you got a concussion?"

"Damn near, she was so mad she was hitting everything in that hallway upstairs, even put a crack in the wall with my body. She tried to push a dresser in front of my door talking about how I was losing my mind attacking family and everything!! Calling the police would've been a mercy considering the beating and verbal nukes I endured."

"What did you expect?"

"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING UNCLE EDDIE!!" He just chuckled while I vented wishing I could give Deana's smug ass a motherfucking two piece for lying on me despite how socially out of pocket and criminal that course of action would be. I was made to feel like a pariah and sequestered to my room before being shoved out of the house in the middle of the night with my uncle.

"Sure you didn't boy; I seen that girl around and I get it, she's hot. I know how it is when you're all young and shit, that libido just blowing up like a nuke in your pocket. These are different times and its just not feasible to listen to that little head Rob."

"I did nothing, I'm innocent." He was shaking his head in time with each of my denials.

"Hey man, you wanna end up like Bill Cosby?"

"Yeah."

"WHAT?!!"

"Worth 400 million dollars, yeah."

"You know what I mean boy; this kind of a thing can follow you around for life if you ain't careful." I didn't reply just staring through the windshield as I replayed my demonization and expulsion from the family home for the whole of spring break uncertain of what waiting beyond the next five days.

I barely had opportunity to plead my case as my mother resorted to talking to me through a closed door before my uncle showed up. He was solid, a rock and cool head in the family suggesting that he take me along on a run. Our first stop was a fast food place. I didn't even have to tell him I hadn't really eaten that day.

He was a veteran of two failed marriages with one of his wives currently serving some serious time behind bars on a weapons charge that involved shooting up his old truck. Insurance money was good for it, as demonstrated by the badass upgrade we were currently riding in on this excursion.

"Are we halfway at least?"

"More than boy, I kind of floored it out of the city and only made one stop at the weigh-in a few hours before I decided to wake you up. So, you like them big titties, don't you?"

"Aw come on Uncle Ed; I feel bad enough as it is about everything."

"I 've seen the girl boy, and I'm just saying, it's understandable."

"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!"

"Accusations aside, they were spectacular, weren't they?" I glanced over finding my uncle watching me whimsically. He gave me a nudge and a wink making us both laugh out loud for a while as we tooled down the highway.

"Yeah they were, so fucking spectacular!" I admitted as we continued laughing.

My uncle wasn't actually accusing me of anything, just looking for war stories as we traded anecdotes about our sexual pasts. He was busting up about my story of being in a forced love triangle with the small chested girl I was dating and the aforementioned opportunistic fat girl rocking some DD-cups and tragically not much else. I got a little antsy three hours later realizing what was amiss.

"Hey, tell me you're not taking me down there; I mean grandma's gone so why are you dropping me down south?"

"Yeah I miss your grandma too, but she's much happier living in Mexico; Tulum is a good fit for her and she even got herself a boyfriend too." I facepalmed getting the visual of my grandmother living south of the border after accidentally scoring big in crypto currency on her first foray.

"Too much information!"

"Old people have needs too, especially women Rob; their sexual desires just escalate while ours decline over time naturally and due to excessive bitching and nagging."

"Still too much info and I bet you wouldn't say that shit in front of your wife."

"Yes I would, she's in jail." We started busting up again.

My uncle was a big portly brother who favored a cross between Cedric the Entertainer and a really jowly version of Meek Mill with a head full of locks. His fashion sense was also equally skewed towards Afrocentric short sets for the most parts outside of winter. Despite our family history, he was part of my father's inner circle of friends despite my mother's constant running down of him years after the divorce.

"I thought she was in jail for shooting up your old truck?"

"She was shooting up my shit because she got served; and she shot at that nigga too. Made him dance like MC Hammer before she got around to popping off on my ride."

"I didn't know you were still married to that woman, what about Jackie? Ain't you married to her?" I spoke of my uncle's current life partner, this chubby sister who always seemed to be perpetually smiling.

"No, that's my girlfriend, a girlfriend anyway. "I raised a brow at his answer.

"Uncle Eddie?"

"What, come on Rob, you know I always say keep things fast and loose until its time to make that final trip home. I treat my ladies good, but we keep it a buck. So it's sort of like being a team owner in the NBA, you understand boy? Everybody's part of the team and there ain't no fucking I in team, right? Jackie's like a franchise player."