TIG OLE' BITTIES

"Does Jackie know she's uh, a franchise player?"

"Hell no, you crazy?! You think my wife went ham on me when I served her those papers; fucking Jackie would be on some old Kill Bill shit if she ever got out of the matrix." I was laughing so hard my stomach was starting to hurt.

Uncle Eddie was good at making you forget about your problems.

"So which shitty relative are you dropping me off with for the rest of the week if not forever?"

"None." I perked up.

"Well why are we down here in your hometown then?"

"Hey Rob, you got a bad deal and there's no doubt I believed you from the start. I've known you long enough to know when you're lying which is a shame on your mom, my sister; so that being said, why would I leave you with our people if you my boy, huh? I'm gonna leave you stashed away with one of my bench players."

"One of your girlfriends?!"

"Miss Minnie, used to be a thing back in the day and we just sort of parted ways. Actually I boned out on her when I started trucking cause she was uh, being extra."

"Being extra?"

"Wanting to get married, have kids and thangs like pretty much." I cringed worried that I might be getting involved in a situation out of circumstance.

"Uncle Eddie, I wouldn't have minded hitting the road with you for a week. I uhm, mean we can still kick it together, just us guys. I don't need a babysitter." He was way ahead of me chortling as he hit a familiar offramp leading into the small shanty town home to my mother's side of the family.

"Chill, you know I wouldn't leave you no place dangerous; besides don't you have a few friends down here too?"

"That was like ten years ago!"

"What about that Arnold boy; wasn't you two homies to the end or something?"

"Ten years ago uncle!!" I reiterated.

"No time like the present to get reacquainted."

"Miss Minnie!!" I countered.

"Look just chill out and enjoy yourself for week Rob; if I didn't give a shit about you, I'd be dropping you off with your Uncle Leroy. You wanna sit up in his house for a week?!!"

"No sir."

"Miss Minnie then." We both knew I didn't want to spend a week with my other uncle the last remaining family member living in this shanty town.

He'd sort of inherited my grandmother's house after she moved out of the country with a veritable platoon of his various illegitimate kids following within weeks of moving in there. I'd never got along with many of his brood almost committing a felony assault on one after a bit of rough play at a local park in the area. Uncle Ed didn't fancy returning to pick me up from a blood soaked ranch house the result of a black inbred version of the Hunger Games.

"What's she like, Miss Minnie?"

"You'll definitely like her; although she got a lot of fucking mouth and sass, don't get it twisted because I'm giving her a stipend to host you for the week while I do a few runs. Gotta keep my bread looking right or the ladies become free agents."

Uncle Ed made this cupping motion with his hands referring to the woman in question having huge tits, but I didn't say anything one way or the other. We were talking about somebody in his age group after all.

"Ah shit what's this?" I looked ahead on the narrow road we were traversed bordered on both sides by these deep open sewage ditches full of various weeds.

The smell was so pungent and stifling, you were able to detect it nasally through closed windows.

There was a large Cadillac Escalade parked in the road large enough that we wouldn't be able to pass without smashing into it. I glanced out of my window noticing a female standing on the driver's side of the vehicle. She appeared to be talking with whoever was behind the wheel.

Uncle Ed slowed to a stop confident the other driver would turn into a driveway or pull off. We drifted to a stop close enough that both of us were able to see the woman more clearly.

"Well would you look at that Rob; you might just have yourself a fine spring break after all."

The female was this dark skinned woman in a collared lumberjack halter and some homemade daisy duke shorts. She was serious of the slim and stacked variety with a big bust visible even to us at a distance. Her feet were bare and she was casually leaning against the car in deep conversation.

It became apparent the driver of that escalade wasn't moving any time soon evidenced by her posture and his blaring radio. We were undated by "I Mean It" by G Easy watching the woman talk and laugh. Uncle Ed got frustrated when we witness her reach into the car coming up with a cigarette or joint taking a hit before passing it back. He hit his horn out of nowhere making me flinch.

"Settle down and keep your eyes on that car up there; if you see any movement from the opposite side, let me know."

"Yes sir." The woman glanced in our direction and made a motion for us to go around the escalade. There was no way that was happening without us going into a ditch or destroying the driver's side of the other vehicle. Uncle Ed hit the horn again resulting in the female straightening up glaring at us.

"Damn, look at all that right there Rob; she look like the hottest free agent around these parts. I might have to give her a tryout for the team." This woman was seriously stacked giving Deana some razor sharp competition.

We could see her jiggly cleavage from the cab of my uncle's truck. The front of her daisy dukes were opened revealing a peek at some white panties. She made the gesture again prompting Uncle Ed to roll his window down.

"WE CAN'T MAKE IT WITHOUT HITTING A DITCH MISS!! COULD YOU GUYS HELP US OUT!! MY TRUCK IS TOO BIG!!" He yelled an explanation half leaning out of his window as she took another long drag on what I now knew to be a joint.

"WELL HIT THAT DITCH NIGGA!!" She yelled back about to turn her butt in our direction as we exchanged glances.

"CAN'T DO THAT MISS!!" Uncle Ed shouted back prompting this woman to stop in her tracks looking over her shoulder like we'd disrespected her in some way. On cue all of the doors opened as three thuggish looking men stepped out onto the blackened road.

The driver was some skinny ass dude heavily tattooed with a wealth of gold chains about his neck and other visible urban trinkets adorning his body. I shifted in my seat but Uncle Ed steadied me with his hand, suddenly brandishing a 357 magnum in the other.

"Uncle?"

"Chill Rob, depending on what happens next I'm dumping with this weapon or driving my truck through these niggas shit on to the next county over. If that happens, we'll just hash it out in Maplewood and keep it a buck."

The woman turned finding all of the guys standing there as I noticed one just out of view at the back of their ride, He was obviously the guy that was gonna shoot if things went sideways. It looked like they were having a short terse conversation, then she walked forward into our high beams giving me a shock.

"Niecy?"

"WHAT BOY?!!" Uncle Ed had already cocked the hammer back on his weapon ready to fire at the slightest movement.

"I think I know her."

"BULLSHIT!" The driver was slowly advancing behind her as I noticed the guy at the escalade duck out of view. I had a very slim chance of avoiding a backroad shootout. Uncle Ed was of the "shoot first, call your lawyer later from another country" variety.

"NIECY!!" I yelled from my open window at the top of my lungs causing my uncle to thump me in the bicep.

Illuminated by our high beams, she cocked her head to the side hands on her hips brow furrowed at being addressed. The driver, her assumed boyfriend snatched at her arm only to have his hand slapped away as she took a timid step or two forward further into the light visually confirming that I did in fact know her.

"WHO THAT THERE A CALLING ON ME?!!"

"IT'S ROBERT, MY GRANNY USED TO LIVE DOWN THE STREET FROM YOU GUYS!! YOU'RE NIECY BELLE, RIGHT?!! YOU GOT A BROTHER NAMED ARNOLD, AIN'T THAT RIGHT?!! YOUR MOM HAD THAT ACCIDENT AT THE CAN FACTORY OFF FIFTH AND MAIN OVER THERE NEAR LITTLE ROCK, RIGHT?!!"

"YOU RIGHT, AND YOU SAY YOUR NAME ROBERT, IS THAT THERE RIGHT?!!" Niecy yelled back shielding her eyes from the glare of my uncle's high beams.

"UHM, YES MA'AM!!" I hollered back making sure to keep an eye on the guy hovering at the back of that escalade.

His head magically reappeared when I shouted Niecy's name out loud looking over at the driving who was obviously irritated waving him off. The others looked similarly compromised by my actions along with my Uncle Ed.

"MIGHT I BE ABLE TO APPROACH THAT THERE TRUCK OF YOURS WITHOUT ANY SORT OF RETALIATION?" It seemed Niecy was aware of the optics and the potential for a bit of backroad violence at nine in the evening.

"Tell her to come over on your side and if shit gets sketchy, grab that bitch through the window." Ed advised.

"Huh?" I was shocked at his assertion.

"Do what I say boy or we dead if it go down." He continued whispering still brandishing that hand cannon.

"COME OVER ON MY SIDE NIECY SO WE CAN TALK!!" Her boyfriend seemed concerned snatching at her again. We watched them have a mini-argument before she trudged over to my side of the truck. He edged over towards my side but kept his distance while leaving an opening for his own point man to shoot if things got sketchy.

"ALRIGHT I'M COMING OVER!!" She called out.

I hadn't seen her since we were kids but her face still remained essentially the same while she'd blossomed into a backwoods beauty staked to the gills with some impressive knockers and a tight slim thick figure. She was definitely a queen on these dirty unfinished roads top of the hill in this shanty town.

Facially speaking Niecy reminded me of this actress named Skye P. Marshall, but that body was all hers, awe inspiring. Niecy cautiously approached but then through things to the wind climbing up level with my window while Ed hid his gun but kept it at the ready.

"Uhm, hey." Niecy climbed up on the top step steadying herself with an arm on my open window giving both of us the once over peering at Ed for a few seconds then pointedly at my face. She wasn't openly aggressive looking staring at me in discerning fashion.

"You Robert, uhm used to hang out with my dumbass lil brotha Arnold, right boy?!! And uh, you used to hang around down there that park tossing rocks at them there cars right?"

"Yeah, got in trouble too."

"YEAH THAT'S RIGHT; GOT YOUR TAIL SWITCHED BY YOUR MOMS SOMETHING SERIOUS!! AND UH, YOU DONE RUN MY BORTHER'S BIKE INTO THAT DITCH THAT ONE TIME TOO!! LITTLE ASS ROBERT BOY!!" Her memory returned in dramatic fashion hopefully diffusing the situation, but Uncle Ed remained tense gun still hidden but at the ready.

"That's me Niecy; uhm you look great too."

"You just got yourself a bit of height but you still looking all goofy; probably still trying to get a sniff of my drawers too." I facepalmed as my uncle finally cracked a smile followed by a sustained chortle.

"LOOKS LIKE SHE DO KNOW YOU ROB!" He laughed still keeping his eyes on her associates who were in a holding pattern.

"Caught this boy messing with my panties on that there clothesline probably was gonna pull his thang with'em too. That was like nine ten years ago, had to kick his tail a bit for being extra bout thangs. Now lookit you with some height and everything, but you'll always be a shortie to me." Niecy was about five years my senior age wise putting her a twenty three years of age.

"Looks like she does know you Rob." Uncle Ed commented.

"They fell off the line okay." I was in full cringe mode paying the price for playing peacemaker.

"That there butt kicking you took; I should've let you have my panties so you could have your little bitty pecker dreams and everything."

"They fell off the line Niecy."

"Sure they did even though they was some clothespins holding them up there too, huh boy? You should've seen him rolling around on the ground after I kicked them baby nuts of his too." Niecy was getting a little too casual going down memory lane as I noticed my uncle visibly relax still chortling.

"Damn boy." He commented.

"Arnold's gonna be right happy to see you if he can get his dusty tail outta his stanky fat girlfriend. Maybe she can introduce you to a few chubbies so you kin lose your cherry while you visiting too."

There was nowhere for me to look trapped between Niecy and my Uncle Ed obviously enjoying the narrative. I leaned on the window where her elbow wasn't touching rubbing the back of my scalp noticing her generous cleavage almost spilling into the truck cab.

"HEY, YOU JUST GON UP AND DISRESPECT ME LIKE THAT RIGHT HERE NOW?!! "

Niecy's apparent boyfriend wasn't having it not one bit. Her eyes went wide with a hint of abject fear reading across her face for a second. Uncle Ed got on point noticing two of the guys flanking Niecy's boyfriend closer to the front of his Mack Truck.

"AIN'T DISRESPECTING YOU NONE GLENDALE, THIS JUST FAM IS ALL!!" He didn't look satisfied with her answer lurching forward a step as we both heard the safety click on my uncle's weapon.

"OH YEAH?!!"

"HOLD IT UP RIGHT NOW, I'M COMING DOWN BABY!! THEY JUST TRYING TO GET ON THEIR WAY ROUND HERE!!" Niecy hopped down from the truck running into the high beams noticeably putting herself between us and her boyfriend Glendale. He wrapped an arm around her shoulder in abject ownership glaring at both of us in the cab.

"ALRIGHT YOU BOYS GON GET IT UP OUTTA MY SPACE!! THIS HERE MY BLOCK SO YOU DISMISSED AND ALL!!" His fist was balled up around the back of Niecy's bicep as they slowly disappeared from direct view. One of the other guys got into the driver's side pulling the escalade into an unfinished driveway.

"Glendale." Uncle Ed commented as we slowly began to tool past the group.

"Yup." I commented looking in the side mirror on my door finding the "happy couple" making out in the middle of the road.

From my vantage point, Glendale's hands were all over Niecy's rounded butt squeezing it like Charmin. I wasn't impressed or intimidated knowing my uncle would've given them a collective "Come To Jesus" moment if they tried any overt thuggery.

"Boy you better watch yourself with that girl, cause her nigga is all kinds of stupid."

"Way ahead of you Uncle Ed."

"He ain't gonna be happy until he locked up taking back shots from his cellmate, if he lives that long." My uncle commented as Niecy and friends disappeared in that side mirror with distance.

I settled down as we hit another right tooling half a block further as a dangerous looking intersection came into view. The sewage ditches in this section of road were especially deep enough to swallow or topple a Mack Truck like the one we were sitting in as Uncle Ed gave me an encouraging wink.

Once we cleared the corner making a precarious hard right things seemed to get a lot more civilized looking despite the lack of sidewalks. I noticed a lot of homes on big tracks of land surrounded by these high fences.

I slumped down when we came to this sort of dilapidated one story home in a serious state of disrepair. There was a partial unfinished high picket fence on either side of this house made with uneven planks and some barbed wire.

There were big sections of brown dirt near the ditches at the front of the property but unkempt foliage and grass inward bordering the home. I noticed a classic dog house also in a state of disrepair feeling increasingly apprehensive as Uncle Ed horrified me by pulling into the dirt road driveway.

"Hey Uncle, you know it's cool if you want me to hang out with you for the rest of the week; uh, I don't mind hitting the road with you sir. Come on man, don't drop me off here, please!"

"Hey cut the shit out; I told you everything was gonna be cool, right?"

"Come on, this shit look like that motherfucking guy from those SAW movies live here! Did mom take out insurance on me or something; you trying to get your cut of that dead bread uncle!" He started laughing his ass off as we pulled to a stop ignoring my concerns.

"You gonna be okay, well uh, if you don't get out of pocket." He chuckled, then laughed even more when my eyes went wide.

"UNCLE ED!!"

"Would you get a grip boy; stay right here while I go inside." I noticed him still brandishing his weapon as he turned off the engine; I wasn't put at ease when he hesitated staring at my face before taking his keys.

I watched my uncle standing there at the front of his truck with his weapon in one hand and a phone in the other. It looked like he was trying to contact Ms. Minnie beforehand as he started creeping towards the darkened house.

I was getting some serious horror movie vibes watching my portly guardian take in the situation moving right past the front of the house with the intent of looking in the window.

The window was just a bit higher prompting my uncle to press against the side of the dilapidated track home at an angle. Someone appeared out of nowhere brandishing a shotgun which was quickly pressed into the small of his back.

"WATCH OUT!!" His hands were already in the air with the weapon in his right hand exposed. I fumbled with the door intent of running to his aid even if it meant getting a blast of hot lead as well.

"SETTLE DOWN, IT'S COOL!!" Uncle Ed yelled as he was disarmed, hands still up.

"Yeah you settle down boy, this between us." Ms. Minnie hissed partially hidden behind Uncle Ed as she directed him facing me."

"YEAH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT ROB!!" Uncle Ed was the only one smiling between the three of us as she nudged him in the back with the business end of her shotgun.

"So you had the damn nerve to run off halfway across the country with my fucking magnum; was you even gonna bring it back Eddie?!!"

"WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M DOING RIGHT NOW?!"

"You trying to saddle me with your love child; that's what I've been a thinking all damn day!"

I raised a brow at her assessment of my uncle who did have a veritable brood of children all paid for with checks or cash app keeping everybody involved honest for the courts. My uncle's penchant for "interesting" women often resulted in some sort of craziness every year or so as far as the rest of the family knew.

"Come on now Miss Minnie; I ain't trying to foist no kid on you, besides he's eighteen and can take care of himself. I just need you to give him a place to lay his head for a week! We talked about this Miss Minnie!!"

"YOU TALKING BUT YOU AIN'T AH PAYING!!" She thumped him again, but my uncle chuckled using one of his pointer fingers motioning in a downward gesture.

"I got it Miss Minnie!" This portly looking woman cautiously reached into his left pocket drawing out a wad of cash. She awkwardly used the one hand trying to gauge the amount.

"Hey Eddie, remember that last movie you took me to see when you were in town a long while ago?"

"Yeah." His hands were still up.

"What was the name of that fucking movie?"

"X-Men, why Miss Minnie?"

"If my money funny right here; you gonna be like that bald fella in that there wheelchair nigga." I cringed cupping the side of my head as images of Patrick Stewart filled my head. Miss Minnie kept a watchful eye in my direction as she finished counting the wad of cash.

"Miss Minnie, come on!" Uncle Ed begged off.

"NOW YOU COME ON HERE AND TELL THAT BOY HE BETTER NOT STEP ONE BIG TOE ON MY PROPERTY OR I'M GONNA BLOW IT OFF!!"

"Really Miss Minnie?"

"GET MOVING!!" Miss Minnie started marching my uncle towards her house as I considered my options, one of which involved me bum rushing her with the hope that me or my uncle could take her down before she got off more than one blast.

"HEY ROB IT'S COOL, GIVE ME A MINUTE OR TWO!!"

"YOU GON NEED MORE THAN A FUCKING MINUTE OR I'M BLASTING FOR REALS!!" Miss Minnie interjected as I facepalmed realizing what was about to happen.