Two By Four Marriage Therapy

"Archer, fortunately for you, I can't do what I want for our kids with you in jail. Oh, I would like for you to be a prisoner. But I want you to be MY prisoner. After what I've done, I wondered what might motivate you to stay so we can raise our kids together. How about I threaten to send you to jail? Do you know the statute of limitations is for kidnapping? Do I want you to think of that every day before you go to work? If you think you're going to be a free man, it will be a gift from me from now on.

"I won't do that. I want you here because you want to be here. I want you here to see if I have really changed or not. I want to see us become a family again. I will do my part. If I ever fail again, you will not have to kick me out. I will leave of my own accord. My past actions are sufficient justification for you to leave me. I am begging for one more chance. Will you give it to me?"

"Blair, I thought that if my trick worked, we might be able make a deal to stay together. Assuming I'm not in jail, I'll give you the school year to prove you've changed your attitude towards your family and that I can trust you again as far as being with other men. At the end of the school year, the kids and I might take a break to give us time away from you for each of us to decide if we want to stay a family or not. And yes, before you ask, we will probably go back to Arizona."

"So Archer, your 'lady friend' has agreed to wait until then to see if you are returning? You two must have gotten along really well."

"No, we made no promises to each other. If she tells me she still wants us to come, the kids and I will go and spend some time with her and her kids again. We enjoyed each other's company, but our time together was too short to make any serious decisions. Heck, she may well find someone else by next summer. She is an attractive, desirable woman."

"Archer, I'm finding it hard to believe you'll really give me a chance knowing your dream lady may be waiting for you."

"Tough. That's the deal. Take it or leave it."

"I'll take it if it means we will be living together again. If you want, we can put it in writing? Instead of a notary, maybe we can seal it with an exchange of bodily fluids. I have missed being with you so much."

"I think it will be some time before I can do that."

"Why?"

"For one, it will take some time to get out the rust and cobwebs that must be in my balls from not having sex all this time."

"I'll just use grease instead of petroleum jelly for my lubricant then."

"Secondly, I came back expecting hellfire and brimstone from you. I was ready to be done with you even if it meant I would not be with my kids. I was ready to go to jail and prepare for a life without you and the kids for a long time. That's how much you hurt me. I had convinced myself that the reports of you changing your attitude was contingent on me not being here. You developed a toxic pattern of interaction with me before I drugged you. It's hard for me to believe you won't go back to your same old bitching and slutty ways."

"You're right. I cannot argue with your reasoning. But you said it was hard for you to believe I have changed. You didn't say it was impossible for you to believe it. You should not trust me until I have proven it to you. But I can't prove it to you if you won't give me the chance. I will take the nine months. I would rather start the time with you and I in one bedroom, but if you want to wait on that I will. In fact, I'll do almost anything for another chance.

"Archer, going to the asylum, jail, and being alone and financially strapped presented a harsh, harsh method to teach me the lesson I needed to learn. Even in my darkest times the last couple of months, there was a belief that you and the kids would return. I promised God and myself I would not screw up my family again if I were given the chance. Let's take it slowly but let's give it an honest effort, both of us. Please."

"Blair, I will still need a few days to think about this, but the deal is making better sense to me. Is there anything else you would want as part of the deal?"

"Just one thing I ask of you: If you see me returning to my old ways, use a real 2 x 4. It would hurt me less."

The District Attorney's office had no desire to take the time, effort and money to charge Archer with any crimes. They were willing to accept it as a domestic dispute where both parties were currently satisfied with the outcome.

EPILOGUE

In the nine months that followed, the kids went to school, Blair and Archer went to work, and the family healed slowly. After three months, Archer and Blair had had sex several times and the master bedroom officially became the bedroom for both. There were regular discussions after the kids' bedtime when Blair and Archer talked about scheduling, kids' activities, and how each other was feeling about the marriage. Archer admitted that he was impressed with her change in attitude. He did not tell her that he had paid a private investigator for a random check on her activities with other men, but nothing bothersome turned up in that regard.

Regardless of how impressed Archer was in the change in Blair's attitude, he still had a 'grass is greener' feeling about Leslie, his lady friend in Arizona. He didn't want to give up the chance for a newer woman with promise even if the woman he had lived with had improved considerably.

As summer approached, Archer told Blair that she had done just about everything he had expected to make him consider staying together. He did, however, still intend to go to Arizona with the kids for the summer. He felt he owed it to Leslie to see if they had a future. His lady friend had confirmed she wanted him and the kids to come back.

Blair had trouble not feeling that the nine months she had tried to win her husband back may have been a cruel ruse on his part. She tried not to show her disappointment in case things he returned because Arizona didn't work out. Blair was remarkably composed at her family's leaving -- until the car was out of sight. She immediately buckled into a fetal position on the living room floor and started sobbing. She had no idea if that was the end of her marriage or not, but that was her fear.

Leslie greeted Archer and his kids with open arms and long kisses. To Archer, she looked even more gorgeous than he had remembered. The sex was even better than he had imagined, and he had imagined sex with her many nights while in bed with Blair. In just a few days, bedroom assignments and chore duties were decided among the newly merged families and incorporated into the daily routine. Archer and Leslie acted like an old married couple in record time. At first, Archer was pleased at the comfort of the situation. He was able to work from his computer in his new home and Leslie continued to go to her 9 to 5 job. Archer watched over the kids when they weren't in a day camp situation.

Somewhere in the third week or so, Archer started getting flashbacks: Leslie told him instead of asking him to dry the clothes and put the laundry in the person's bed. He was ordered to change the sheets and make the bed in their room. The phrase, "Since you don't work in an office . . ." started creeping into her dialogues with Archer. She assumed he had the time to do more household chores. He offered to hire a part-time maid if she was not satisfied with how well he kept the house. Leslie fired back with, "Yeah, I bet you would like me to leave you alone with another woman while I'm gone." Although she immediately apologized, it wounded Archer.

Although most things were going well, Archer could not stop feeling uneasy. How had such a sexually charged, good-looking female been able to be celibate for nine months as she claimed. He found out by accident. Archer ran into one of her co-workers on a Friday afternoon. He asked if she had taken off work. That's when he found out that neither Leslie nor anyone else in her office work Friday afternoons, yet she came home at regular time every Friday as if it was another full workday. One Friday afternoon was all it took for his private investigator to provide audio and photographic evidence. Leslie's boss had started the policy of Friday afternoons off specifically so that he and Leslie could have four hours of uninterrupted sex every week. His wife did not know either.

One Friday evening, Leslie returned home to a note that told her where her kids were. Archer and his kids had left. All he left her was a picture of Leslie with her boss taking her doggy style. He neglected to tell her that he had sent pictures to the boss' wife also. He figured she would find out pretty quickly anyway.

Archer did not call Blair in advance of his arrival. He wanted the time driving to help him formulate how he was going to explain how his lady had not turned out to be the better alternative after all. His hope was that Blair would be forgiving and accept them back. He was prepared to apologize and eat some crow. Blair must have been really pissed at being asked to wait for him while he played house with his girlfriend. That was rotten of him to treat her as he had, and he knew it now.

The house was dark when they pulled into the driveway. Blair's car was there, and the hood was cold even though it was mid-afternoon on a workday. He was afraid she might be sick. Then he saw that the mail was spilling out of the mailbox. He unlocked the front door and they piled in pulling their luggage behind. They shouted for Blair, but there was no response. He went upstairs and saw that everything seemed in order, but there was a slight covering of dust that Blair normally would have not allowed. The refrigerator was almost bare. The food that was left had mold on it. He began to worry.

Vicki had seen them arrive and quickly came over. Before Archer could ask her about Blair, she interrupted saying, "Archer, you might want to send the kids to watch TV."

After he did so, he asked, trembling, "Vicki, you're scaring the hell out of me. Where is Blair?"

"Archer, when you left for Arizona, she went into a severe depression. She did nothing but work, sit and look at old pictures, and wait for any communication from you. She started losing weight almost to the point of anorexia. We, including her doctor, was afraid she might harm herself. She agreed to go volunteering for treatment but only if we would not call you. She kept saying you had something you had to do without her interfering. She almost attacked me when I said I was going to call anyway." Vicki paused herself as her emotions got out of control.

"Vicki, where is Blair?"

"Farmdale. She just started treatment last week. We were going to call you tomorrow despite her protest. Archer, what are you going to do?"

Archer thought for a long time then responded, "Vicki, does your husband have a 2 x 4 wooden post in his workshop?"

"I guess so. Why?"

"I think it's time I give myself some marriage therapy."