Ultimate Betrayal

She walked up to me and slipped her arms around my waist, "Fetu, please, can we try to fix this? I know it must be painful for you, I know I hurt you but I love you and I know you love me, I know it and feel it in my heart."

I nodded as her lips closed on mine, her head tilted, closing in for a kiss, "Fetu, let me make it up to you, I promise myself to you forever more."

Pushing my hands down, I pushed her away. "You used words like that at our wedding ceremony. They obviously meant nothing then, so they mean nothing now."

She stood her eyes full of tears, I still had questions, "When did you do it?"

She grimaced. "When Sefina and I went to do the shopping, she dropped me at their place and went to finish on her own. Sione was there."

Confused, I grumbled, "So Sefina knew as well? She was in on it?"

She nodded. "It was her idea, she knew how desperate we were for a baby."

"Luce, this is where you are wrong. We weren't desperate for a baby, you were. It was all about you. The getting tested, the mad rush to conceive. The horrible fucking diet, the not having sex for a month, waiting for your fertile time. None of that was my choosing."

She suddenly looked terrified. "Yes it was, you went and got tested, you never complained about the diet."

"I never complained because I could see the urgency in you. I loved you. I was doing it for you. I was prepared to wait, let nature take its course."

"But you were so eager." She sighed. "There was all the fighting, the despondency every month when it never happened." Her eyes glared up at me. "Month after month, I saw the pain in your eyes, you wanted a family. You wanted to be a dad. I know you did."

"Yes, I did, but I wanted it to be ours, and if it didn't happen, then we could adopt."

"No," she screeched. "I saw it, you wanted it as much as me."

"This is ridiculous, Luce. If you thought what you did was an option that I would accept, why didn't you talk to me?"

"Because I knew you would never know. Sione is your brother, the same blood. You were never supposed to know. Sefina and Sione both swore to me they would take the secret to their grave."

"So, you knew I would never accept it, but did it anyway?"

"Fetu, I did it for us, for our family."

"You did it for yourself. Stop trying to make yourself into a martyr."

As the silent gloom embraced us, I asked. "Was it good?"

"What..." she spluttered. "What did you say?"

"The sex, was it good, did you enjoy it?"

"I'm not discussing this, Fetu."

"Talking, this was your idea. You want to talk, then tell me. Did you kiss, or did he just stick it in and fuck you?"

"Fetu, please. I'm not talking about this."

Grabbing her shoulders, I shook her violently. "Was there kissing?"

"Yes," she cried, the sobs wracking her body.

"Did he caress you first, make sure you were wet, ready?"

"Fetu..."

I shook her again. "Yes, we caressed. Yes there was kissing."

"Did you look into his eyes when he came inside you? Were your legs around him, did you orgasm?"

"Fetu, I'm not talking about this. It's not important."

"Maybe not to you, but to me it is everything. Did you enjoy it, was it pleasurable?"

With the tears flowing down her flushed cheeks, she snarled viciously, "I said I'm not talking about it. It meant nothing, it was just sex. All I wanted was his sperm. Nothing else.

"Then why didn't he just masturbate, and you squirt it inside?"

Now she looked really confused. I snapped back. "It's what lesbians do when they want a baby. They get a thing that looks like a turkey baster, insert it and squirt the sperm inside them. No need for sex."

"I didn't even know it was possible," she sighed.

"Yeah right. You spent like twenty hours a week researching everything about conception. That stupid diet, the restrictions on our sex life to three times a month. The best positions to use, didn't matter that I didn't like them. All of that research, and you didn't know? Sorry, but I cry bullshit to that one."

"Fetu, I didn't look into that stuff."

"So this was Sefina's idea?"

She dropped her head into her hands. "Yes, she saw how desperate we were." As the words came out, she said. "Sorry, how desperate I was. You clearly had no desire at all."

"What did she say? "I have a solution, let Sione fuck you?"

Her face broke into an angry scowl. "There's no need for the nasty language. She just said she had an idea, then laid it out for me."

"When she said "Sione would happily fuck you, what did you say?"

"At first I said no, but then he called me, we talked and he allayed my fears. He said you would eventually be grateful. When I thought about it, I could see the sense. We couldn't afford IVF; we barely get by as it is."

"Stop trying to make it sound like you were doing the right thing. What you did signed the death warrant on our marriage. Lucy, you know how much I hate Sione."

She sighed, her bottom lip white where she bit down. "You don't hate him. Yes, you fought all the time, but all brothers do that. Mine are always fighting over who is strongest, fastest, the smartest. It's what brothers do."

"No, Luce, this goes much deeper. I hate him, and you know it. How many times did I ask you to stay away from him? Hundreds, that's how many. I could see he wanted you, he has always been like that. Whatever I had, he wanted."

"Fetu, he is your brother, you love him. He is family."

"No, the moment he climbed between your legs, any connection we ever had was gone. I'm sorry, Luce, you committed the worst crime you could ever think of."

"What about our family?" She sobbed.

That did make me ask, how deep did this betrayal go. "What about Mum and Dad... were they in on it as well?"

"No... god no, they were never supposed to find out. I don't know how they did, I didn't tell them."

Frustration boiled over, and I barked angrily, "Why, for god's sake? Why couldn't you just wait. The doctors said it was possible, we just had to be patient!"

She dropped to her knees in front of me. "I'm sorry, I let my desperation take hold, there was so much pressure from your parents, my parents. It seemed like all we ever talked about, and the fighting between you and me, the constant bickering, the coldness, I just wanted my husband back."

"Yeah, well you certainly went the wrong way about it."

She sobbed "I know, I panicked, I made a mistake. Please, can you forgive me; I did the wrong thing for the right reason."

"No, had it been somebody else, maybe I could possibly try, but... Sione... no you couldn't have picked a worse person if you tried. You not only destroyed our marriage, but our family, as well."

As I walked out to the living room, I said, "I'm not fooling around, Lucy. I want a divorce. Please don't make it more difficult than it really has to be. We are both young, and we can start again."

She said nothing as I walked outside to ring a taxi. I could have taken the car, I paid for it, but I realised they would need it more than me.

If the meeting with my parents was bad, then the one with her parents, well her father and brothers, who waited for me in the car park at work was worse. They didn't come to talk to me; they came to deliver a beating. It was only the security doing a sweep past who caught them before too much blood was spilt; they saved my arse.

As they drove off there were screams of, "We will get you, arsehole, nobody shames our sister, our family."

When Lucy found out what happened she was so shocked she fessed up to her folks. She knew what was coming, which is why she was reluctant to tell them.

Croatian culture, in many ways, is stricter than Samoan culture. Their religious beliefs are so deep that divorce was unthinkable, and infidelity was an absolute no, no.

Their reaction shocked me. I was completely blindsided by it. I expected them to support her, take her under their wing and help. No, their actions were sharp and swift. No discussions, no lectures. They disowned her, cut her out of their lives just like that.

It made me reconsider my actions. She was now alone, even her friends seemed to distance themselves. Yeah, she had a core of close friends, but they were single, worked, had careers.

I felt sorry for her, but the wounds were so deep, and so raw. I couldn't forgive. My Whanau all collected around me, the church, the minister tried to convince me forgiveness was the way forward. If anything, the continued barrage of advice and the constant push for family, well, it drove a big wedge between us, and made me more resolute.

I did some research and filed for divorce online, filled out the paperwork and registered it with the court.

The rest was the difficult bit. The house, what to do with it? Her parents had gifted us the deposit, and if we defaulted, they would lose their investment, as well.

It was tumultuous. Lucy was fierce, she fought tooth and nail. I kept pushing her away. I cancelled all the credit cards. When Lucy found out she flipped, more tears. I changed the car into her name, she flipped.

As I eased away, she realised it was really happening. I think the final realisation was when I cleaned out the rest of my personal belongings.

That was a hard day, because it was by then apparent. We were over.

She cried, tried to talk me around. Got my parents on the phone. I wasn't budging. I was done...

I tried to help. We decided the only fair thing to do about the house was sell it. At least that way we could give her family back the money they loaned us.

*****

The house sold quickly, Lucy moved in with one of her friends. We had made a little money on the sale of the house, which I left for her. She was going to need it.

That was pretty much it. She vanished from my life. She stopped calling, or messaging. She vanished, none of her friends would tell me anything. In their eyes I was the bad guy, fair enough. Thy were entitled to their opinion.

My battle wasn't over completely. About three months after the split, I was contacted by WINZ. The one thing I had forgotten to do was remove my name from Luka's birth certificate. Lucy had apparently applied for a solo mother's benefit. WINZ wanted their ounce of flesh and tried to put a lean on my salary to pay child support.

It was a battle, but with the help of the DNA report and a statement from Lucy, my name was removed as the child's father.

Fast forward a year, and I had managed to move on a little. The pain still hurt, late at night when I lay staring at the ceiling wondering what if... I found a small flat close to work so I could walk to work. I tried to kick start my social life by playing social, seven aside soccer. I even tried a mixed indoor netball team. I didn't really want to go to pubs and clubs. That was never my scene...

I guess everybody goes through the internal questioning, the doubts. Should I have tried harder, should I have forgiven her? They were painful questions. Even after a year, I missed her like crazy. She was my first love and I thought my last love. I planned to live our lives together, and now I was alone again.

Now it was worse, because I had little contact with my family. They considered me the bad guy, as well. When they saw I wasn't going to bow to their pressure, they went cold on me. That hurt, as well. As much as mum annoyed me, I loved her, I missed her moaning and complaining, I missed her telling me what to do, I missed her complaining that I didn't go to church...

Fuck church; if there was a god, I wouldn't feel this pain.

Eighteen months or so after the separation, I got call out of the blue. It was Dad. "Son, your mother has been rushed to hospital, it's serious, and we think it's best if you come home. She wants to see you."

It wasn't a request; it was a royal command and there was no escaping it. Not that I wasn't going to go. We might have been fighting, but she was still my mother.

I jumped on the first available flight and headed home. It gave me time to ruminate. I wasn't sure what to expect. I didn't know if Sione was going to be there. Would he be that stupid? I hoped not. I flew into Wellington about nine thirty at night, and it was even later when I knocked on the door at home.

Dad opened the door and I could see the pain and tension on his face. He welcomed me in with one of his mammoth hugs, but there was no strength, no power. As I walked in, I felt a little urchin jump onto my leg, little hands wrapped around, holding on tightly.

When I glanced down, it was Luka. Older, but still recognisable. I stared around the room and Lucy was standing by the door to the kitchen. "Hello, Fetu, I think Luka wants a cuddle." There was a hint of a smile tugging at her mouth.

"What are you doing here?" I snapped.

Before she could answer, Dad interrupted, "She lives here with us, she is part of our family. We respect our values and we don't cast aside family because they made a mistake." He glared at me angrily. "Your son wants a cuddle."

I unwrapped Luka's arms from my leg as I struggled in. "Where's Mum?" I asked.

He sighed, resignedly. I'm not sure what he expected from me, but my rejection of Luka obviously hurt him."She's still in hospital; they are doing some tests." His eyes filled with tears as he added. "She is not well, Fetu."

I realised that with Lucy and Luka staying there, I couldn't. I got out my phone and did a quick search for a hotel nearby. I found one and was ringing them when Dad snatched the phone from my hand, "What do you think you're doing?"

"Dad, it's obvious. You don't have room here. I'll find a motel or something."

"You will do no such thing. You will stay here, this is your home."

"Where, there aren't enough bedrooms."

He sucked in a deep breath. "We converted the shed into a flat. Lucy and Luka live out there. You can have your old room."

Wow, she must have been there for a while. I could see the deamination in his face. I nodded, and said softly, "Thanks, Dad." I carried my bags up to my room. As I unpacked, Lucy walked in behind me. She smelt so sexy, she looked good, still trim and fit. She looked different, though. I guess you can't afford to go to the salon as often when you're on the benefit.

"How have you been, Fetu?" she asked.

I shrugged. "I'm doing okay. Work is busy. I got a promotion, but that brings extra responsibilities."

She nodded. "Where are you living?"

From there, the conversation drifted into banal day to day stuff, things that acquaintances say.

"Why are you living here?" I asked accusingly.

She shrugged. "I had no choice. My family pretty much disowned me, and I couldn't afford Auckland prices once the house sold. Your parents offered for Luka and me to live here with them."

I laughed. "Oh yeah, that must be fun."

A little smile tugged at her mouth. "It has its moments, but they have been great. They borrowed money to convert the shed into a flat so we could have at least a little privacy. Honestly, I don't know where we would be if it wasn't for them."

I nodded, "Glad it worked out. Are you back at work yet?"

Shaking her head, she mumbled almost ashamedly, "No, not yet. I hope to stick it out for another few months so Luka and I can bond properly. If your mums okay, then she is going to look after him while I work."

"So what's wrong with her?"

She flopped down on my old bed, her face filled with concern. "She had a heart attack. They think they can do a bypass, and if they can, she should be okay, but she's such a big woman that they are afraid to put her under for the op."

Just then, Luka came charging in and jumped into his mother's arms. He gave me a questioning look and held out his arms for a hug. Lucy laughed. "He isn't shy, he loves cuddles."

It was awkward as the little boy held out his arms. In the end Lucy pulled him into a hug and kissed him, "Fetu, you might be hurting, but if that had been one of your nephews you would have cuddled him. Don't blame him or treat him differently."

She walked out her head high, and I lay back on the bed feeling guilty, She was right. It wasn't his fault.

Being here at home, all the old memories came flooding back.

I had a great childhood. Okay, we didn't have a lot of money, but there was lots of love, and family. This house was filled with love. Sometimes, there would be six kids sleeping in this room, which I shared with Sione.

My parents were pillars of the Samoan community. They were both elders in the church. Everybody loved them. They helped settle new families into the area. There was always kai on the table, and beds for them.

Sione, who was three years older than me, was big guy, tall and strong. Me, I was the runt, the exact opposite of him. When we were young, he was my idol, I loved him. He looked after me through the early years at school, made sure I was safe, always walked me home. He was my hero.

That changed at high school. He changed. He was already a fledgling super star on the rugby field. Rugby was like a religion in our house. My father had played when he was younger. All my uncles and cuzzies played. Samoans, maybe because of our warrior heritage, loved the physicality of the game: the hard hits, the stinging tackles; we never shied away from the hard bits. I was never really into it. It wasn't that I was scared, I just never really fitted in. I played half back, because of my size. Sione, with his tall strong build, played as a lock, or blind side flanker. He was the star. He had been targetted at an early age.

He played in all of the age group representative sides. They were grooming him to become a lion. The Wellington Rep team, let me tell you, that was a big deal in little old New Zealand.

I still remember the look of horror on my fathers face the day I came home and said, "I signed up for the school soccer team." He nearly died. I was actually pretty good, but it was never spoken of. When I was selected for the school first eleven, it didn't rate a mention.

When I made the Wellington under sixteen side, I got a well done. It didn't mean they came down to the park and watched me play. Nope, they were to busy fundraising for Sione's rugby team, or watching him. I was the black sheep of the family.

My Dad was a diesel mechanic with the railways. That was a big thing in our community. Dad, had aspirations that I would follow in his footsteps, but it didn't interest me. I liked numbers, and I was good with them. I was in the top ten percent in mathematics.

When I told the family I wanted to go to university, the table went quiet.

"Where on gods earth do you think we would get the money? Do what Sione did. Get an apprenticeship."

Sione, he was the athlete, because he was being groomed to play for the Lions, they organised the apprenticeship. He didn't earn it by getting good grades, he earned it on the rugby field. It pissed me off that my future was being decided by Sione. He was the golden boy, and I just had to follow in his shadow.

That battle lasted for months. My parents were adamant, they couldn't afford it. Luckily, the school guidance counsellor saw my ability, and was pushing equally as hard. He had a meeting with my parents, and explained. There were scholarships and student loans. With my grades, I could easily qualify for a scholarship. He went as far as to find out, through the Samoan community, there were some special grants for academically gifted students.

That was my saving grace. Once they became involved, and my parents heard the word, "gifted." It was a sealed deal. Although it did get hard when I informed them I had chosen Auckland University.

"Why, Fetu? What is wrong with Victoria?"

"Mum, I want to do this on my own. I need to prove to myself I can do it. I can't live here at home forever."

The look on Dad's face was pride. Mum, on the other hand, saw her son leaving home. She fought me the whole way.