All Comments on 'Unleashing Mary's Inner Slut Ch. 03'

You describe John in the 3rd person, then switch to his POV. How? You started by talking ABOUT the 4 people attending, as if you were an invisible eye in the sky describing things. You need to pick a POV and relate the story only from that's person's viewpoint. Yes, you can jump to another but remember, how does the storyline suddenly know another person's thoughts? They can't.

The old Mardi gras action is fodder for many stories but you have to contain your perspective. .

Dear Lenard,

Thanks for your feedback. I got carried away as I writing the story mainly from John’s POV, obviously I relate mostly with him. I’ll submit the story for edit soonest. I appreciate the leg up.

Just dogs fucking in the back yard.

Don't insult dogs by comparison to the human garbage described here. This author obviously has some mental problems to deal with.