Unrequited Pt. 04

I sat alone with my thoughts for about ten minutes until a little boy burst through the back door and launched himself into the leaf piles, followed more sedately by Kayleigh's younger sister, Heather, and her husband, Juan. He was a tall, handsome Latino man with dark, intelligent eyes and a warm smile.

Kayleigh brushed leaves off her clothes as she walked up and hugged them both before introducing me. My girlfriend's face scrunched up and looked around. "Where's Isabella?"

Heather smiled and nodded back toward the house. "She needed a change after the ride, so mom grabbed her."

Kayleigh looked up at me, eyes shining. "I want to go see the baby."

Her sister answered. "Fine, but I'm keeping Bethany so I can get to know her." The bargain was struck without my consent or input, and Kayleigh headed inside. Heather, it turned out, was a warm and engaging conversationalist, and I enjoyed our talk, not just because it assured me that not everyone in Kayleigh's family hated me.

Less than twenty minutes later we were all called to dinner, and I marveled at the family sitting around the table. I wondered if it had been hard for Kayleigh, being the only non-white person at my family's table. I'd never been in the minority before, never even been close friends with anyone of color. I wasn't adverse to it, of course, it just hadn't ever happened. I'd always been in the majority.

Sure, we had people of color in school and now at work, but most of the people at my schools and my office were white. But here, there were people of different skin tones and backgrounds, but the energy between them all was so familiar, because they were a family, and it reminded me that regardless of what we look like, where we're from, or what we believe, we're all so much more alike than we are different.

The food, thanks, I think, to Stephen, was incredible. Definitely the best ham I've ever had. On a more serious note, Kayleigh had pulled me aside before dinner and asked me what Molly had said to me.

"It was nothing." The knife twisted in my chest. "Don't worry about it."

"It wasn't nothing, Bethany. You were pale as a ghost." I shook my head, and several other members of her family bustled obliviously into the room. Kayleigh squeezed my hand, "We'll talk later."

I nodded, just to end the conversation.

After dinner I mostly just tried to stay out of the way as Kayleigh's family enjoyed each other's company. Heather and Monica really went out of their way to include me in the conversation. I appreciated that, but generally I stayed quiet.

Eventually nature called. Monica was in the downstairs bathroom with her youngest, so I headed upstairs to use the one near Kayleigh's childhood bedroom, where we were staying.

I heard Kayleigh's voice as I approached, but I couldn't make out what she was saying. The next voice was Molly's, whom I heard clearly.

"What I meant was that I was hoping you'd take some time to evaluate things, instead of jumping directly into the next train wreck."

"Bethany is not a train wreck!"

"Right, just like Patricia, or Grace, or Alexis.

"Stop it." Kayleigh's voice was hurt and weak.

"Why can't you decide what you really want, and find someone who'll actually give it to you, instead of leading with your heart all the time?"

"Well, I'm sorry, I'm not you. I can't just pick out a partner like a can of soup. I need to love the person I'm with."

"I love Sung-Ho. Just because I don't go weak in the knees over him doesn't mean I don't. I didn't marry him because he was handsome or made me feel all 'tingly'." Contempt for the word dripped from her voice. "I married him because he was good, and kind, and trustworthy, and I knew he'd make an excellent husband and father."

"Molly!"

"I know, heresy. And I've been punished with a beautiful home, two wonderful children, and the ability to help my family when they needed me. You know how much money I made the first year I worked for Stephen? None, not one dime. My husband made that possible. And the only thing it 'costs' is letting that good, kind, responsible man enjoy my body once or twice a week. It's a small price to pay for everything he does for me and our family. And I don't have to worry about 'falling out of love' or 'keeping the spark alive' or any other farcical romantic bullshit. And if you had any sense you'd do the same thing."

Molly sighed, and I heard someone sit down on the bed. "Look," Molly's voice softened significantly, "I don't know what's wrong with this girl, what you're trying to fix for her, but I can tell by the look on your face that you do. So think about it. Hard."

Someone stood up, so I ran back to the stairs, making like I was just coming up as I met Molly on the way. She gave me a cold, forced smile as we passed each other. Unfortunately I really did have to pee, but when I finished Kayleigh was still sitting alone in the bedroom.

I poked my head inside. "Hey, you okay?" I don't think I'd ever seen Kayleigh's face so troubled, but she pushed it away and forced out an unconvincing smile.

"Yeah, fine."

"You sure? You don't sound fine." I sat down next to her. She sniffled once and nodded.

"Yeah. Um, can I just?" She put the arms around me, so I did the same. After a moment Kayleigh climbed into my lap. "Hold me?"

So I did, squeezing her tight as she sniffled on my shoulder. I wanted to confess that I'd overheard some of the conversation, but I wasn't sure how she'd react, so I kept it to myself. Looking back I probably should've been up front with her.

Eventually we made our way back down to the rest of the family. Molly remained cool and distant towards me. Instead of feeling insulted, I just felt shame, since, in the dark corners of my mind, I knew her criticism and concerns were absolutely warranted. The way I reacted to Tim yesterday proved it.

The rest of Kayleigh's family was warm and inviting. With all the children the house was a whirlwind of activity, but shortly after eight, there was a flurry of hugs and kisses and suddenly the house was empty, save Sean, June, Kayleigh, and myself.

It gave us all a chance to breathe deep. Sean started a fire, and he and his wife sat in chairs next to each other, reminding me forcibly of the couple from Up. I couldn't help but ask how they had met, and I spent the next several hours listening to a number of the best O'Malley family stories.

When the fire had burned down and my girlfriend had nodded off on my shoulder we all retired to our rooms.

As we climbed under the covers I knew, almost instinctively, that there wouldn't be any amorous activities tonight. Kayleigh definitely had something on her mind.

"Sweetheart? You okay?"

"It's nothing. No biggie. Hold me?"

I opened my arms and my little girlfriend snuggled in, turning into the smaller spoon. We hadn't been honest with each other today, neither of us, and that made my heart hurt. Even as I held her close, I could feel the distance between us.

*****

We stopped for lunch on our way out Sunday, and I looked up at the bright red and blue 'Heart and Seoul' sign outside the parking lot as we pulled in.

We had to wait a few minutes before getting a table, but we were eventually able to sit down.

"Stephen doesn't actually work here often, usually he's at his original location on the south side, where they live."

I nodded to Kayleigh, making sure I got a bit of the white rice with my bite of smoked duck. I've never had that before, and I promised myself it wouldn't be the last time. "This is amazing."

Kayleigh nodded and pointed at my bowl with her fork. "It's actually my brother's take on Bulgogi, one of Korea's national dishes. But he sells a lot more if he just calls it a smoked duck rice bowl."

"I bet." I pushed my fork through my rice. "Does Molly work from this one?"

Kayleigh looked at me strangely "Molly mostly works from home, unless there's a problem. She picks up a few shifts on the weekend when she's needed, but not generally here. Why? Did she say something to you?"

"Not really," I lied. "I just got the feeling she doesn't like me." At least that was true.

Kayleigh sat back, setting down a bone from her short ribs and wiping her mouth. "She doesn't think I should've jumped back into a relationship so soon."

"What do you think?"

She gave me a sad smile. "That I would never have forgiven myself if I hadn't given us a chance."

"I'm glad you gave me that chance."

Kayleigh just nodded and squeezed my hand, and we ate the rest of our meal in silence.

*****

"Oh my God, She really called you a project?"

"Yup, right to my face." I reclined back on my couch, my phone resting on my chest as I listened to Sally's righteous indignation.

"That's terrible! You are not a project! You are an amazing woman, and her sister is lucky to have you. Period."

"More like: 'Comma, despite all your issues'."

Sally made a dismissive noise on her end. "What's a little fear of intimacy among friends?"

"Ha! So that's what you think my problem is? A fear of intimacy?"

"Well, Bethy, you're twenty-eight years old and this is the first relationship you've had that's gone more than two weeks."

As usual, Sally had completely missed the situation. I wasn't afraid of intimacy; I just wanted it from a different source.

"I, we, were doing well, though. Or I thought we were."

"You are! Who cares what her sister thinks?"

"I don't know. I'm worried it'll become one of those self-fulfilling prophecies. You know, you're worried your relationship is in trouble, so you start acting weird, and then 'Boom!' your relationship is in trouble."

"Do you think your relationship is in trouble?"

"I'm worried Kayleigh will think so. There's a reason they're called seeds of doubt. They grow."

"Seeds need fertile soil to grow, so don't give her that. Plan something romantic, for just the two of you."

"Like what?"

Sally harrumphed. "I don't know. She's your girlfriend. It's Christmas time. There's plenty to do. Ooh, okay, there's a community theater production of A Christmas Carol, that's always fun. And someone has to be doing The Nutcracker. Take her out to a nice dinner and a show. Bring her flowers. Show her how much she means to you."

"OK, geez, I get the idea."

"Good. Did she ask you about the other thing?"

"Us living together? No."

"Has she brought it up, even hinted at it?"

"Maybe."

"That's what I thought. You need to think about it. Trust me, Beth, coming home to someone who loves you every night, mmm, it's wonderful."

I sighed, hoping she didn't hear me do it. "All right, I'll think about it. Really, promise, and I probably should go. I haven't talked to Kayleigh all day."

"OK. I'll see you Wednesday. Mexican!"

"Right, I know, bye."

"Bye, Bethy, love you."

I stared at my phone, trying to pull myself the courage to at least text Kayleigh. If I didn't, and she didn't, it would be the first time in well over a month that we hadn't at least texted during the day.

She'd been really quiet on the drive home from Kansas City. When I'd asked her if something was wrong or if she was okay she'd just smile and say that she was fine. We all know that can mean a million things. The way I read it was "I'm not upset, but I have something on my mind I don't want to talk to you about."

I finally bit the bullet and sent her a message.

Me - Hey, how was your day?

Kayleigh - It was good. You?

Me - Fine. First day back's always weird.

Kayleigh - Yeah. Can I see your face?

I smiled at the innocence of it, and I hit the FaceTime icon.

"Hi, sweetheart." There was a tremor in her voice that broke my heart.

"Kayleigh, are you okay?"

"Yeah. I just, I miss you. I'm sorry I was in a bad mood yesterday."

"Hey, I understand, family can do that to anyone."

Kayleigh nodded and sighed. "I wish you were here." I glanced up at the clock; it was just barely past eight. I thought about what Sally had said, something romantic that would tell her we were okay.

"I can make that happen."

Kayleigh's eyes brightened instantly. "Sweetie, you don't have to."

"I know. I'll see you in half an hour."

It felt good, not just seeing her smile as we disconnected, but knowing where I was headed once I finished putting together a work outfit for tomorrow. Maybe Sally was right, and I should think about cohabitation. I mean, that was the next step, right?

I could hear Patches mewling at the door before I even rang the bell, and it opened swiftly afterwards. I held out the carrier I was grasping, with two small Blizzards from DQ: Mint Oreo for her, M&M for me.

"Ooh, my hero!" Kayleigh grinned and grabbed the ice cream. She was wearing pink PJs under a light blue robe. No make up, she'd clearly been getting ready for bed when we'd talked.

I kicked off my shoes and followed her to the sofa, where she handed me my treat and its accompanying red spoon as I sat down. Patches jumped up behind my head and nuzzled into my hair while I scratched her behind the ears.

We maneuvered until Kayleigh was leaning back against me. I kissed her on the head. "Comfy?"

"Mmm, cold ice cream, warm girlfriend. Yep."

The normal, happy cadence in her voice was back in evidence, which made me relax somewhat.

"I'm just glad you're feeling better."

"Worried about me?"

Actually I was worried about us, but I didn't want to bring that up. "Maybe a little." I kissed her on the back of the head. "Girlfriend's prerogative."

"I'm okay."

"Good. So, I was thinking, since it's officially Christmas time, we might go do something Christmassy together."

"Like what?"

I repeated Sally's suggestions, not indicating where they'd come from, and Kayleigh's eyes lit up when I mentioned The Nutcracker.

"Ooh, That one, definitely! I haven't seen it since I was a girl. My grandma took me a few times."

"OK, The Nutcracker it is."

Kayleigh turned to look at me. "You won't hate it?"

"No." I twirled her hair a little. "I actually took ballet for a year or so when I was a kid."

Kayleigh's face split into an adorable grin. "Seriously?"

"Yup. I was spectacularly bad at it, so it didn't last long. But I like dancing, or at least watching people who are good at it dance."

"Mmm, Patricia hated it, she just refused to go with me. She called it trite and antifeminist. I mean, I guess I can see her point, but I can't help it. I loved it."

"Well, I will take you proudly."

We finished our ice cream as we looked at dates, settling on Friday the 16th and ordering tickets.

"Actually, I got an invite to a party today for the day after that. It's a friend from grad school. I was hoping you'd go with me."

"Sure, of course." There was something about the tone of her voice. "Why? Is there an issue?"

"Well, she's sort of a former girlfriend."

"Sort of?"

Kayleigh sighed. "We dated. Or, hooked up a few times, at least. She never wanted anything more than that."

"Stupid girl. I don't know how anyone could pass you up."

"Thanks, sweetie. She played the field a lot with girls, but she only seriously dated men. She and her husband live down in Soulard. We're both originally from KC so we always had a connection. She always invites me to her Christmas party, but I haven't gone in a bit."

Something in her tone of voice made me suspicious of the reason why. "Was that another thing Patricia hated doing?"

"Ha, so much. She could be a little possessive, and the fact that Alexis and I..." Kayleigh's voice drifted off, leaving the obvious unsaid.

"Why were you with Patricia again?" I tried to use a jovial, joking voice, but I'm not sure I succeeded.

Kayleigh squirmed. "She was so closed off to everyone. At first I was just stunned and honored she let me in at all. By the time I realized there were places she'd never let me in, well, I guess I was just throwing good money after bad."

I didn't say anything more, just holding my lover close as my mind grappled with what she'd said. I understood more of what Molly had been worried about now, as the parallels between Patricia and myself were apparent. I told myself I wasn't Patricia over and over, but by the time we fell asleep I still didn't believe it.

*****

"What do you guys think?" I turned around in the mirror.

"You look amazing, really, Bethy, just wow." Sally's voice was dancing. Tim just nodded, his eyes thoughtful and sincere.

"It looks great, Beth. That color's really good on you."

"Thanks." I studied myself in the full-length tri-panel mirror. I have to admit it was odd, seeing myself in this. But I thought it looked good.

Sally walked up next to me "I can't remember the last time I saw you in a dress, Bethy."

"It was Nat's wedding, I think." Actually, I was positive. I wasn't opposed to dresses, and I usually liked the floaty, girly feeling I got when I wore them. It was just, next to Sally, trying to be pretty and feminine seemed impossible.

But last weekend Kayleigh had asked me why I never wore dresses or shorts. I'd been very naked at the time, and she'd been kissing slowly up my legs, bemoaning the fact I never showed them off. So I figured I'd surprise her for the ballet on Friday.

The dress I was wearing was a deep, forest green, my favorite color, with a high-necked halter top that deemphasized my chest a touch and a high-low skirt showing plenty of leg. The interior of the pleated bottom half was a rich burgundy, giving a perfect contrast to the shiny exterior, and drawing the eye down. I really thought it looked good.

"I think this is the one."

Sally and Tim both nodded. As soon as I'd mentioned to Sally I was thinking about wearing a dress, she'd insisted on taking me shopping. That was par for the course, but I hadn't expected the pair of them. I thought it might be awkward, but Tim was complementary and involved, giving honest, thoughtful opinions that went beyond 'it looks nice'. I sighed inwardly. Sally really did have a good one.

I changed back into my jeans and sweater, carrying the dress to the sales counter.

Sally put her hand on my arm. "Do you still have those dangling emerald earrings? The yellow gold ones?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"Check when you get home. So," Sally let a wicked grin spread across her face, "I finally got my best friend to voluntarily wear a dress. I feel like celebrating."

Tim smiled at her. "How?"

Sally took one of his hands in both of hers, scrunching her head down between her shoulders, eyes wide and generally trying to look as adorable as possible. "I want cheesecake."

Tim laughed and shook his head. "OK, Cheesecake Factory it is."

"Yay!" Sally kissed him on the cheek, going up on one tiptoe while her other leg popped up into the air. She hugged him, eyes closing, as I felt that familiar knife twist in my belly. God, I have a wonderful girlfriend. Wasn't this horrible feeling ever going to go away?

"Beth," Tim looked at me, one arm around his girlfriend, "you gonna come with?"

"Yeah, sure."

We had a nice dinner, and I indulged in the Oreo Dream Cheesecake. I figured I'd earned it by not vomiting at the vile cuteness on the other side of the table. Eventually, as the waiter took our payments, Sally excused herself to the ladies room.

As soon as she was out of sight Tim leaned across the table with his phone. "So, what do you think of these?" He brought up a Pinterest page on his phone, showing several different bridal sets.

My eyes locked in on one in particular immediately. It had a one-carat, round cut stone in the middle, ringed with tiny sapphires, and outside that another concentric ring of small diamonds. Lines of diamonds and sapphires ran down the twisting infinity band on either side. It was gorgeous, classically beautiful, but modern, just like my friend. If my mind were capable of that level of imagination, it's what would have been in the box for every fantasy proposal I'd ever envisioned giving Sally.