Unrequited Pt. 05

"I should..." I looked into the next room, my eyes searching for Sally, but Kayleigh shook her head.

"You don't need to see her right now. We'll send her a text that you weren't feeling well."

Kayleigh was right, of course. I couldn't congratulate Sally as a blubbering mess. I sat in the passenger seat as Kayleigh drove us back to my place. I saw other celebrations, people singing and kissing. All looking forward to a great new year. All I could feel was misery and hatred, the latter aimed at myself for being so weak and stupid.

We arrived at my building, and I followed Kayleigh inside in a daze. She led me up the steps, getting me into my bedroom after locking up.

She helped me undress, pulling back the blankets and sheets once I was nude. I climbed into bed. "Are you going to go?" My voice was miserable, fully expecting the answer to be yes.

"No." I almost started crying again as she undid the buttons and unzipped her dress, allowing it to fall to the floor. She had no bra, and was now only wearing a pair of white panties, which she quickly shimmied off before joining me in bed.

"Kayleigh..."

"You've had a hard night, let me take care of you."

Before I could protest she rolled me out of my back and kissed me, long and deep. I returned it with desperation. It felt so good, a single, perfect oasis in the world otherwise filled with pain and misery. Her mouth left mine, moving to my ear, making me sigh with pleasure. She whispered softly to me. "Remember, I love you." Her lips moved down to my neck.

Why was she doing this? She should be screaming at me, packing her things, telling me to never call her again, not caressing my breasts with her small hands, taking a nipple into her mouth as she did.

I didn't deserve it, but I couldn't stop her. A condemned woman savoring her last meal. So I let her worship my breasts for several minutes before she went lower, and I held the sheets in a death grip as her tongue slid through my cleft.

She brought me expertly to the edge, holding me there for an age before tipping me ever so gently into the ecstasy beyond. As each orgasm subsided I was scared it would be the last, and waited to be swept away again, until, inevitably, it was the end.

There were tears running down my cheeks as Kayleigh climbed back into my arms. My heart was full and equal measure of love and shame. "Kayleigh, why?"

"Shush." She put a finger over my lips. "Are you relaxed? Feel good?"

I nodded, unable to find any words.

"Good, I love you. Now get some sleep."

I choked back a sob, pulling her close as she rearranged the blankets and snuggled in tight.

*****

The next morning I made bacon and eggs, and Kayleigh and I watched the Rose Parade together. By the time Sally called that afternoon I was, well, I wouldn't say good, but I wasn't teetering on a cliff anymore. We sent her and Tim the video Kayleigh had shot, which was, indeed, better than mine.

Sally formally asked me to be her maid of honor, talking about how she didn't want a long engagement and giving me a rundown of the announcement calls with both her and Tim's parents, who were all overjoyed, of course.

Kayleigh spent the afternoon getting her CV ready to send over to Dr. Hatfield. I forced myself to stay chipper and positive when she asked my advice about wording and other things.

She also talked a lot about her favorite things about Kansas City, and what she was looking forward to most when she was back in Kansas City.

"I'll take you to a few of the better BBQ places, like Q39, SLAP's, and Jack Stack, so you can see how Heart and Seoul stands up. And I can't wait to take my nieces and nephews to the zoo. I always loved the zoo when I was a kid.

She talked like I was going to be included in these adventures, but I knew the truth. Even if we survived her leaving, it wouldn't make it much longer. There would be a few awkward months until hopefully she met someone new and better.

"Oh, it's getting late. I need to go home and feed Patches. Do you want to come with?"

I shook my head. "I need to do a few things around here tonight. Call you tomorrow?"

Hurt flashed in her eyes. "Oh, okay, sure. I love you."

"I love you, too." And I did, truly, and the feel of her lips on mine made me want to reconsider my decision, but in the end I let her go. I made myself start a load of laundry and do the dishes, but I ended up on the couch, not really watching some cooking show on TV, feeling my life spiral into despair.

*****

"May 14th? Isn't that really fast?"

Sally shrugged, sipping her sprite. "Yeah, but I told you I don't want a long engagement. I just want to get it done. I already feel like his wife, Bethy, I just want it to be real." Sally absentmindedly played with the ring on her finger, her eyes far away.

"So, Mom and Annette are coming over on Saturday and we're going to go look at dresses. Tim's mom Nancy will be there. Come too? You could bring Kayleigh. My maid of honor has to help me look for a dress. It's on the official duties list." The playful command in her voice made me smile.

It had been just over three weeks since the proposal, and the hunt for a date and venue had been paramount on Sally's mind since then.

"Can you even get a dress made in four months?"

"I'm just going to buy off the rack. I'm not that picky." That was true, at least. The concept of Sally as a bridezilla was laughable to anyone who knew her. As I was thinking that, Sally's eyes brightened and looked past me. "They're here."

I turned as I saw Kayleigh and Tim coming towards us. Kayleigh motioned over her shoulder. "Look what I found in the parking lot."

Tim laughed, setting down his bowling bag and kissing his fiancée. I did the same with Kayleigh. "Hey, Sweetie."

"Hi. I gotta go get shoes. Not all of us are professionals." She gave Tim a mischievous look before heading up to the counter.

Tim sat down and opened his bag, pulling out his white bowling shoes and starting to change. "Do you guys have balls?"

I smirked at him. "No, we're women." Sally giggled while Tim flushed. "That's not what I meant, and you know it."

I pointed to the ball return, where my green and Sally's pink bowling balls were waiting. Kayleigh returned a moment later, holding a purple twelve-pound ball, and a pair of ugly red and brown shoes.

"What were you guys talking about?"

I answered. "Sally's insanity that they want to put a wedding together in four months."

Kayleigh's eyes bugged out. "Four months?"

Sally nodded as Tim took her hand. "It's happening, whether we can put it together or not. I just put the deposit down."

"And Tim's mom's friend Linda, she's a retired seamstress. She did alterations her whole life, and she's already volunteered to help. So we just have to deal with food, and a cake, and flowers, and probably a hundred other things. But we'll figure it out. It'll be fun."

We laughed as Kayleigh entered our names into the lane computer.

"All right, Timothy, you're up first. Let's see the master in action."

"I haven't bowled in a year, so give me a break." Kayleigh continued to trash talk him a little as he approached the lane. His ball, which had a lot more curve than I could ever muster, came in a little late, leaving the four pin standing.

As he lined up his spare I sat back. Sally probably could pull off a nice wedding in four months, if anyone could. She had a knack for breaking complex tasks into bite-size pieces without getting overwhelmed by the details. Whenever I'd had a big project in college, she was the one who helped me divvy it up.

After three games of bowling, several sodas, and an extra large, super greasy pepperoni pizza, Kayleigh and I headed back to her condo. I flopped down on the couch, letting Patches crawl into my lap.

"So, I have to go dress shopping with Sally on Saturday. She invited you to come if you want."

Kayleigh snorted. "No, thanks. I'll think of something to be busy with."

"Are you sure? You could meet Tim and Sally's moms."

"What are they like?"

I shrugged. "I don't know Tim's mom, but Sally's is relentlessly sweet and beautiful like her. Sally's like, a carbon copy of her, just a little taller."

"I could come just to watch and see if they get along. Do a little impromptu in-law counseling."

"Sally says they've met a few times and they get along fine, so you wouldn't have much to do." I looked over at Kayleigh, who was walking back in with two cups of decaf. I reached up and took the one she offered me. "You really don't want to go?"

Kayleigh sat on the chair by the sofa, instead of next to me. "I don't want to spend all afternoon watching you be miserable because Sally is trying on wedding gowns." She sighed and picked up the remote. "Let's just watch the next episode of Stranger Things. We'll talk about it later."

"Okay." As she started the show, the distance between us was palpable. I wondered to myself who gets control of the Netflix account in a break up? That thought soured my mood considerably, even as we made our way to bed. We didn't make love, but she did let me hold her as she fell asleep. I forced my thoughts away, reminding myself how precious few opportunities to do this I have left.

*****

Dress shopping went like you'd expect, as I endured watching Sally try on dress after dress. I thought she looked beautiful in nearly all of them, and just as Kayleigh had predicted, my mood was plummeting as we left the second dress shop on our way to a third.

In the end we ended up back at the second shop. "I really think this is it." Sally turned in the mirrors, looking radiant in the layered A-line gown. It sported an illusion neckline, with a sweetheart contour underneath, along with lacy, three-quarter sleeves.

The women around me nodded and gushed, as I thought away a tear. I've been picturing Sally in a wedding dress since I was fifteen, and she was every bit as beautiful as I imagined. But she wouldn't be walking towards me wearing it.

Sally pressed on her tummy. "It's a little tight, though." She smiled sweetly at the sales woman. "Do you have it in a six?"

"Let me check." She started tapping on her tablet. "I don't have a six in stock, but I can have one here from the warehouse by the weekend."

"OK. I want it." Sally gave a little hop of girlish glee, clapping her hands together in front of her mouth.

Her mother was bleary-eyed. "Honey, you look just beautiful." Annette and her mother, Nancy, echoed the sentiment, and I couldn't disagree.

I managed to keep a civil demeanor until the party broke up, but by the time I got home I was completely numb. I was profoundly glad Kayleigh hadn't been there today. She would've left me for sure. Right there on the spot. I didn't call her, and she didn't try to contact me either until Sunday.

Neither of us brought it up when we did talk Sunday, and a snowy January gave way into a gray, depressing February. Sally was going through her checklist with a vengeance, and on Friday morning I got a text.

Sally - my dress is here, but Tim and I have a cake tasting after work. Any chance you could pick it up? I was hoping to take it up to Nancy's friend when we go Saturday. Please?

Me - Sure.

Sally - Thanks! Love you!

She had several heart emoji's. I saw it and brought up Kayleigh's text string. I was supposed to be having dinner at her condo tonight, so I texted her the info asking if we could just do takeout at my apartment.

Kayleigh - Sure, see you then.

The bridal shop was jumping, and it took me almost half an hour before I could pry someone loose to get Sally's dress. I unzipped the garment bag enough to see that it seemed like the correct gown before heading home.

Kayleigh was already there with my baked ziti and Italian sausage when I arrived, and I went into the bedroom and lay the dress on my bed.

Kayleigh and I had dinner as the air seemed to grow thicker and thicker. Something was off, and I didn't know what. We were watching TV when my phone dinged.

Sally - God, that took forever. Headed over now.

Me - Okay.

"Sally's on her way."

"Fine."

Ten minutes later there was a knock on the door, and I let in a grinning Sally. I nodded toward my room. "It's on my bed."

She waved at Kayleigh as she ran past me and through the door. I figured she'd just grab it and go, but instead she closed the door and I heard her rustling around.

Kayleigh looked at me, bemused. "Is she trying it on?" I shrugged, and a minute later the question was answered. "Bethy! Can you help me?"

I hopped up and ran in, and sure enough Sally had the gown on. "Help me with the buttons?" She turned away from me, and I started doing up the soft round buttons that closed the patterned, lace back. When I finished she twisted her hips, swirling the skirt around her legs. She looked at me, eyes shining.

"Well?"

I shrugged. "It looks good."

"Yeah." Sally looked down at the dress. "It's a little long, and the waist can be brought in a skosh, but it fits better than the four. What do you think?" Her eyes raised to the door.

I looked over, where Kayleigh was standing in the hall. "It's beautiful, Sally. Really." I heard a note of sadness in her voice.

"Thank you." Sally took one last look at herself in my mirror. "Okay, I've got to get it off, Tim is waiting for me in the car."

I undid the buttons before gently helping her with the delicate lace sleeves. Once it was off I carefully stowed it back in the garment bag while Sally dressed.

"So, for bridesmaids dresses, we're doing whatever. Colors are pink to purple, as it's going to be a spring wedding, so anything appropriate for that is fine."

I opened my mouth and spread my hands. Sally sighed. "Fine. I will take you shopping, and we'll get something nice that you can wear again. Okay, sorry, I gotta go. Bye!" Sally kissed me on the cheek. "Thanks so much for doing this." I heard her say goodbye to Kayleigh as she left, while I stared stupidly at the door.

"The answer's 'No' isn't it?"

I was confused at the non sequitur. "What?" I turn to look at Kayleigh. I've never seen her face like it was now, and suddenly I was terrified to my core.

"It's 'no'. The answer to my question." The look of determination and misery on her face didn't waver.

"What question?"

"Charles Hatfield called today. He formally offered me the job. More money, a piece of business, near my family." I wanted to congratulate her, but from her tone I knew she wasn't finished. "That's what tonight was supposed to be. I was going to make you dinner, and ask you to come with me." A tear rolled down her cheek.

"Kayleigh," I reached for her, but she pulled away, revulsion flashing across her face. She raised her hand in a way that said, "Stay back", so I recoiled into a chair.

"And you're going to say no, and it isn't because of your job, or your sister, or niece. It's because of her." Kayleigh pointed at the door. She stared at me for a second, daring me to deny it. And I couldn't.

Kayleigh bit her lip and stared up at the ceiling for a second. "God, I am so fucking stupid. Molly was right. I spent four damn years in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable woman, and when I finally get out, what do I do? I immediately fall in love with someone who is absolutely incapable of ever loving me back!"

I don't know how I managed to answer. "I do love you." My voice was miserable and pathetic, and I think I just made her angrier.

"Not enough! I thought maybe, she's getting married, she's choosing someone else, but you won't ever, will you? I thought if I loved you enough maybe, just maybe you'd choose me." Kayleigh stood, grabbing her bag. I tried to stand, but Kayleigh stopped me with an open hand. "Don't, I'm done."

My mouth hung open as I felt my heart start to crack apart. I watched, my mind desperately gibbering at me to say something, to do anything as Kayleigh pulled her bag over her shoulder and walked to the door. Her hand went to the knob and she paused, turning towards me, her face warped with pain.

I tried to say something, anything that might stop the nightmare descending on me, but I couldn't. Instead I stared back stupidly as her eyes hardened with resolve. The door opened and closed, and she was gone.

I felt sick to my stomach. I sat there for a minute, my mind trying to make sense of what had just happened. It took everything I had not to vomit. I finally moved, jumping up and running to my window, just in time to see Kayleigh's car drive away.

My whole body was numb. The one, shining light in my pathetic existence was gone, and she was right to go. I wasn't worthy of her. I'd never been worthy. She deserved so much more than the miserable, broken wreck of a human being standing here.

I tried to sit, but I missed the couch and ended up on the floor. My phone was sitting on the coffee table, Sally's text still showing on the screen. The tiny circle with her face caused my heart to twist in pain, so I picked it up and cleared it. The thought of talking to Sally right now made me physically ill. Instead I found myself swiping over to my favorites and pressing a different icon.

"Hey, Beth. I'm just getting ready to read Emma her bedtime story. Can I call you back in half an hour?"

"Kayleigh left me." I'm not sure how I got the words out. My voice was haunted and empty, I almost didn't recognize it. If I'd been able to think straight it would've terrified me. It obviously had that effect on my sister.

There was a deafening silence on the other end for a few seconds. "Oh, sweetie. Greg! Greg!" He shouted back in the distance, and I heard them talking for a hurried moment.

"Okay, Beth? Are you at your apartment?"

"Uh-huh.".

"Good. Stay there. I'm coming." The concern in her voice made my eyes burn. The phone disconnected and I leaned back against my sofa. I wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn't come. My brain felt numb, refusing to comprehend what had just happened, as my body ached with real, physical pain.

I stared out the window into the darkness, wondering if the sun would ever come up again. Dark, horrible thoughts chased themselves through my head until suddenly the door to my apartment opened and my now very pregnant sister burst through.

I looked up at her face, shining with empathy and concern. She knelt down next to me as the damn holding back my tears broke, and I collapsed on her shoulder as she held me, great heaving sobs wracking my body.

I don't know how long I spent like that before I quieted, looking down at her distended belly.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have made you come."

Her face was stern but kind. "You didn't make me do anything. And I'm pregnant, not infirm." She managed to get to her feet, holding out her hand. "Come on, I'm taking you home."

I didn't even try to argue, letting her pull me to my feet and lead me into my bedroom. I sat on the bed sniffling as Natalie pulled out my travel bag and packed up a few changes of clothes.

As she zipped up the bag she finally spoke again. "I will let you carry this downstairs though." I chuckled once, which made her smile.

I sat in the passenger seat, watching the street lamps flicker past as she drove. I'd known this was coming. Kayleigh had been the briefest taste of happiness, a hint of what could've been. But it was gone, and the future seemed as black as the starless urban sky.

*****

I woke up the next morning without the slightest desire to do so. Even the smell of coffee and bacon wafting up from downstairs couldn't get me out from under the comforter.

It was almost noon before I heard voices at the door.

"Is Auntie Beth okay, mommy?"

"She's very sad honey. We need to leave her be until she decides to come out. Alright?"

"Okay. Will it be a long time?"