Unrequited Pt. 05

"I wish I knew. Come on."

Emma's voice was thick with emotion, the voice of a child who knows something is wrong but doesn't understand what it is. It broke my heart even more, and I forced myself out of bed and into the shower.

I pulled on the pair of old jeans and loose T-shirt Natalie had packed for me before heading downstairs. My sister was sitting with her feet up on the sofa reading while Emma was watching Peppa Pig.

"Hey, guys."

They both turned towards me when I spoke, and Emma ran to give me a hug. I squeezed her tight.

"I'm sorry Aunt Kayleigh doesn't want to be your friend anymore. We still love you."

"Emma!" Nat's voice was scolding, and Emma's eyes swam with tears.

I had her close "it's okay, sweetie. I still love you, too." I kissed her cheek. There was a noise from the kitchen and I turned towards it.

"Daddy's making grilled cheese and tomato soup. Mommy says you like that."

I smiled. "She's right, I do. Thank you." It had always been what I'd wanted when I was sick as a girl. I guessed this was a kind of sick.

So I spent the weekend with my family. Emma and I put together a puzzle she'd gotten for Christmas. We played school, and I read to her, but every moment I was dreading being back in my apartment alone.

Nat never pushed for details about what had happened. I got the distinct impression she already knew. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out, after all.

Greg ran me home after dinner on Sunday, and suddenly the emptiness was upon me. Once in my apartment I headed directly to my bedroom and pulled on my comfiest pair of pajamas. When I came back out there was a long text from Sally.

Sally - So, got all measured for my alterations, it should be done in a few weeks. Want to go shopping for your dress Saturday? Bring Kayleigh. Can't tell you how happy I am you're dating someone with some fashion sense :P

I tried to type out a reply, starting and stopping several times. In the end I just couldn't handle it, so I tossed my phone onto the coffee table and covered myself with a blanket, letting myself wallow in misery.

It probably goes without saying that I didn't sleep well. My dreams were a jumble from which I'd woken in a cold sweat more than once. I had to drag myself out of bed and into the shower. Work itself was a welcome respite, a few blessed hours where I could think about something other than my train wreck of a life.

I hadn't been home ten minutes Monday night before my phone chimed.

Sally - Hey, never heard back from you about Saturday. Interested?

I closed my eyes, fighting back the urge to scream

Me - I guess so.

Sally - Cool. Do you think Kayleigh will want to come?

Me - I seriously doubt it.

I wondered if I'd be able to get through all Saturday without admitting what had happened.

Sally - Okay, well, Tell her that she's welcome, I'd love to get her opinion on things.

I didn't respond to that, instead just throwing my phone down and climbing under my blanket again, berating myself in my head for the tears that were suddenly rolling down my face. God, it hurt. Just breathing hurt.

My phone chimed again. This time it was Natalie, checking on me. I sent back that I was fine before turning the damn thing off, something I hadn't done in God, forever?

I stared at it, knowing the one person I actually wanted to talk to would never be contacting me again. With that thought the tears came again, and they didn't fully stop until I fell asleep for the night.

It took until Wednesday for the guys I worked with to figure out something was wrong, and when they asked I just told them I'd broken up with my girlfriend. They were like, "bummer. Hey, you see the new *insert random superhero movie* trailer yet? It dropped yesterday." Men. But the advantage of working with a bunch of emotionally stunted pseudo-adolescents was that none of them tried to fix my problems.

My real life, though, well, let's just say I spent all evening Wednesday in dueling text conversations, one with Sally discussing the pros and cons of the florists she was deciding between, and whether or not to hand-make the invitations, and another with Natalie trying to shake me out of my doldrums.

Finally I told them both I had a headache, not a lie, and was going to bed. I think I was in bed by eight every day that week.

I was waiting in my parking lot at eleven Saturday. I'd forced myself out of bed, dreading what was coming. I even put on some makeup to hide how little quality sleep I'd been getting.

"Hey, Bethy!"

I forced a smile as I climbed into Sally's front seat, not looking directly at her while I put my bag on the floorboard and fastened my seatbelt.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Where do you want to get lunch?"

"Indian okay with you? I'm buying." She grinned and popped her eyebrows, but the best I could respond with was a weak smile. "You sure you're alright?"

"Just didn't sleep well. Let's go eat." Sally's chipper mood was being quickly sucked into my black hole of gloom as we drove. She tried to keep the conversation going, talking about their trip over the weekend and the options available from the catering company.

"Luckily the venue has a dedicated catering company, so we don't have to worry about booking. We have a tasting scheduled for next Thursday. A lot of the reviews I've read said their Alfredo's really good, so we're going to try that. I think I like the idea of a non-red sauce based meal.

"Sure, makes sense." I sounded like I didn't care. What was wrong with me? I've always been able to fake it with Sally. Even when what we were talking about was twisting a knife in my gut, I should be able to be engaged.

By the time we ordered at the restaurant I could tell Sally was getting concerned.

"So, you going to tell me what's going on?"

"Nothing is going on. Literally nothing." My voice was angry and beyond bitter, and suddenly there were tears in Sally's eyes.

"Bethy, please."

I snapped. "What? What do you want? I'm here, aren't I?" My eyes were fogged over with tears. "We can go buy a stupid dress so I can be in your wedding and pretend I'm not a pathetic, worthless fuck up." I tried to throw my napkin down, but ended up banging the table with my hand, ensuring everyone in the restaurant who wasn't already staring at me was definitely doing so now.

I looked around, feeling a fresh wash of shame while I fought back tears. "I'm sorry." I stood and made for the exit.

As I pushed through the doors the cold February air rushed over my heated face, and I sat down on a freezing bench. I'd left my coat inside, but I was so numb I didn't care. I spent the next few minutes trying not to dissolve into a weeping mess.

Eventually Sally came out, holding my coat of course. She gave it to me as she sat, me mumbling out a thank you.

"I told them you weren't feeling well. They're going to wrap it up for us to go, and then I'm taking you home."

"I'm sorry."

"I know. Are you going to tell me what's going on?"

"You mean you haven't figured it out yet?" The way she was looking at me said she had, or at least strongly suspected.

"Did something happen with Kayleigh?"

My tongue licked over my dry lips, and I drew a shaky breath as I stared into the gray winter sky. "There is no more Kayleigh. I destroyed it, like I do everything."

"Oh, Bethy. Why didn't you tell me?"

I just shook my head, fearing that if I spoke I might tell the truth. She tried to hug me, but I pulled away.

"Can you tell me what happened?"

Just lie, I guess. I've been lying to Sally for over a decade. Why stop now? "She's moving away. I can't go with her." God, I hated myself.

Sally started to respond, but her phone interrupted her. She glanced down at it. "Foods ready. I'll be right back." As soon as she was gone I stood, walking to her car.

As she drove me home she asked if I'd considered going with Kayleigh, but I blew the question off, staring intently out the window.

When she pulled up to my building Sally looked at me. "Do you want me to come up? We can still have lunch together. You can cry on my shoulder."

I shook my head. Every moment with her was torture, and I wanted it to stop. "I just need to be alone. I'm sorry."

Sally's eyes were hurt. "OK. I'll call you, and when I do, you answer the phone, understood?"

I nodded, forcing a smile. Sally reached into the backseat and handed me my half of the food, and I walked into my building without looking back.

I put my chicken vindaloo directly into the fridge. To say I didn't have an appetite was an understatement. I lay down on the couch, covering myself with a blanket. When I woke up several hours later there was a text from Natalie saying I was expected for Sunday dinner, and if I didn't show up she'd come collect me.

*****

The next two weeks were the same, with me spending as much time as I could alone in my increasingly filthy apartment, while Natalie and Sally tried to cheer me up by taking me places and getting me to do things.

Of course doing things with Sally meant wedding planning, while Nat was hampered by being increasingly pregnant.

The weather started to get warmer as the calendar flipped to March, but my world just seemed to get darker.

It started on a Wednesday. I decided I was going to do something other than cry in my apartment all night, so after work I made myself take my climbing gear over to Upper Limits. I got dressed and made it all the way to one of the medium difficulty walls. I'd just hooked on to the auto belay when I glanced to my right. A young woman was there, one with long, dark hair and lovely, almond shaped eyes. To be fair, she didn't really look like Kayleigh, beyond the fact she was of East Asian descent, but it was enough.

I separated from the belay and almost ran back to the locker room, fighting off tears as I hurriedly packed and made a beeline for the front doors.

I sat in my car for a second before pulling away, tears still stinging my eyes. I should have gone home, or to Natalie's, or anywhere other than what I did, which was drive to Kayleigh's condo. I saw the red and white sign in the yard from half a block away. Two simple words: "For Lease."

She was really gone, gone forever. My one chance at happiness that I had thrown away. I sat outside in my car, crying pathetically until my tears were spent, at least for the moment. I managed to limp home, crawling upstairs and into bed.

I hadn't eaten much of anything all day, and I woke up with a pounding headache. I'm not really prone to them, but this one was vicious. I called my boss, letting him know I wouldn't be in. I popped a few ibuprofen and went back to bed.

I didn't open my eyes again until well after noon. If my headache had let up at all I couldn't tell. What I could tell was that I had sweated through my clothes, and a check of my temperature told me I'd manage to make myself sick. I felt shaky. I dragged myself to the kitchen, pouring a glass of OJ and collapsing onto the couch.

I put on a romantic comedy, Just Like Heaven if I remember right, and I lay there, covered with my blanket, feeling miserable in more ways that I could count.

They just kept coming, happily ever after movies, and I cried at the end of each one. My fever broke overnight, but I still wasn't in any condition to go to work, so I continued my self-destructive marathon.

I hadn't really slept in two nights, and the last symptom of my illness, my headache, was finally fading. If I took a couple more ibuprofen it might go away completely, so I could sleep. I'd been drifting in and out all day, and I definitely preferred being asleep. When I was asleep life didn't hurt. I didn't have to think about helping make invitations with Sally and Annette on Saturday, or trying to keep smiling through another dinner with Natalie and Greg.

I just didn't want to do it anymore. I shook a few pills out into my hand. How many would it take? I kept them coming until I couldn't hold anymore. Tears formed in my eyes. I could just get a big glass of water and keep taking them until the pain stopped. I was so tired of the pain.

Kayleigh had made the pain go away. Even if I knew it would come back, even if it was only temporary, she'd forced it back, and I'd had just a little taste of what it meant to be happy. And now I'd never have that again.

I stared at the pills in my hand. Everyone would be better off. Kayleigh would never know, like she'd care. She shouldn't care. I wasn't worth caring about. Sally wouldn't have a best friend who constantly lied to her. Natalie wouldn't have to worry after her pathetic little sister anymore. Nor would my parents. Everyone's life would be so much easier without the burden of me.

An image swam to the front of my mind. Emma sat in her mothers lap, tears in her uncomprehending eyes. "But why can't Auntie Beth come over anymore?"

Natalie responded, but I didn't understand her, like listening to a Charlie Brown teacher only without the comedic undertones. Her voice was sad and halting as she tried to explain what I'd done.

I looked back down at the pills, suddenly horrified at myself. I turned my hand over, letting its contents clatter and skitter across the counter and onto the floor. I backed away from them like they might reach out and grab me, a primal terror gripping my heart. I didn't even think, knowing only that I couldn't be here, so I threw my phone into my purse and almost ran out the door.

My car steered itself to my sister's, grief and fear battering against me the whole way. By the time I was banging on the back door, tears were running down my cheeks again. Greg's face appeared in the window, his 'protect my family from the crazy person' expression draining away when he saw me.

He pulled the door open. "Beth?"

"Can I come in?" My voice cracked and wavered as I spoke.

"Of course." I stepped up into the house, sobbing at the now very concerned look on my brother-in-law's face. He pushed the door shut against the winter chill. My hand went over my eyes as tears continued to fall, and suddenly there were strong arms around me, and I clung to him as I wept on his broad shoulders.

"Greg? Honey, what is it?" I heard my sister's voice, and I pulled away slightly.

Greg motioned toward the living room. "Come on."

I nodded and followed him, watching my sister's confused physiognomy morph into concern. She was sitting long ways on the couch, feet up and covered with a blanket, her very pregnant belly in evidence. She dropped her book and turned towards me.

"No, don't get up, I..." My voice trailed away as I realized how I looked. I hadn't showered or even brushed my hair for two days. I was only wearing a ratty pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt with no bra. At least I'd had on my hard-soled house slippers when I'd fled my apartment. "Is Emma?" I glanced up the stairs.

My sister nodded, setting her book on the floor next to the sofa. "Come, sit. What's going on?"

I went and sat on the sofa by Natalie. "I, um," I glanced at Greg, who eased out of the room with a promise to heat some water for cocoa.

"Beth."

"I know, I look terrible."

Nat gave me a wry smile, putting a hand on my knee. "Yeah, again, what's going on?"

And I told her. I told her about Kayleigh leaving, and why, how much I hated myself, and finally, through a haze of tears, I told her about the pills, and how scared I was, not just about hurting myself, but of living the rest of my life in constant pain. And I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen my sister cry. But when I finished there were tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Bethany. I doubt I say it enough, but I love you. Mom and Dad love you, and Emma adores you." She took my hands in hers, her voice cracking with emotions like I'd never heard before. "And if you left us it would hurt every day. You would leave a hole in this family that would never, ever heal. Please, please don't."

"I won't. I promise, I just..." I broke down, and Natalie leaned forward to embrace me. I let her hold me for a long moment, until I felt the baby move against me.

"Oh, geez, I'm sorry."

"It's okay, you didn't hurt them."

Greg brought in two steaming mugs of cocoa, complete with whipped cream. I thanked him warmly, taking a sip of mine and getting a little cream on my nose in the process. That made everyone laugh, and Natalie handed me a box of Kleenex.

I took a couple, wiping my nose and eyes before having a good blow. "What do I do, Nat?"

"I can't say, other than you need to start seeing someone."

"Can't say, or won't?"

Natalie looked down into her mug. "Well, you know me, of course I have an opinion. But it isn't my call."

"You mean you're not going to tell me what to do? Who are you, and what have you done with my sister?"

Natalie rolled her eyes and sighed. "I know, right? Maybe it's pregnancy brain. I get all emotional." She reached out and squeezed my hand. "But I think you know what the right answer is." Deep down I knew she was right, but I wasn't able to admit it to myself yet.

We talked about other things, and she showed me the nursery, which was finished. "Less than two weeks." I nodded. Emma had come almost exactly on time, and Natalie was expecting the same for the new arrival, sex still to be determined. "I can't wait to meet them."

"Good." Natalie smiled. "Stay tonight?"

"I will. The weekend if it's okay."

"Of course. I love you."

"Love you, too."

*****

The next morning I was woken by a six-year-old jumping onto my bed.

"Auntie Beth, Auntie Beth! You're here!"

"Yeah." I sat up, and Emma launched into a hug. I rocked her back-and-forth, squeezing her tight. "Good to see you, kiddo."

"Daddy's going to make waffles!"

"That's awesome. I love waffles."

I shooed her out of the room so I could shower and get dressed, and afterwards I felt distinctly more human than I had the night before as I came down the stairs.

I sat down in my customary spot, wondering for a moment what the seating arrangements would be after the new arrival. Greg poured syrup over Emma's waffle while she bounced in her chair.

"So, any plans today?" Natalie held out the plate of sausage links, and I helped myself to a couple.

"Actually, I'm supposed to go over to Sally's at noon. Annette and Tim's mom are going to be there making the invitations."

"Are you going to go?" My sister gave me a significant look, and I met her eyes steadily.

"Yeah, I think so. I'll be okay."

"Come back after? Greg's itching to break out the grill."

"I will." I could hear the concern in her voice, and I didn't want to be alone tonight anymore than she wanted to let me be so.

Being at Sally's was a little bizarre. She obviously had no concept of the existential quandary I was experiencing. I didn't mind, really. After all, I figured it was okay to be wrapped up in your own wedding.

We all ended up sitting around Sally and Tim's big dining room table, sort of assembly line style. I was forbidden from using the glue sticks, stemming from an adhesive incident from high school that Sally gleefully related to everyone present.

"You roped me into that." I pointed at my best friend. "Like I wanted to be on a Valentine's Day dance decoration committee."

"What, not a lesbian thing?" Nancy, Tim's mom, looked at me.

"No, it's just not a Bethany thing." Nancy was, I think, a little titillated at being able to say the word 'lesbian' in a social setting.

Sally looked at me. "I needed you. Besides, you were the only one who could figure out how to work the lighting machines."

Anyway, I was relegated to paper cutter, which I performed admirably while Nancy and Annette told stories about their own weddings. Sally waxed poetic about her plans for her big day. I stayed quiet, mostly, listening to them talk. I could feel the answer to my problem niggling at the back of my mind, but I couldn't put my hands on it.