Unrequited Pt. 05

Afterwards I stopped back by my apartment, taking a moment to clean up the mess I made with the pills before I headed back to Nat and Greg's. I played with Emma, breaking out her new board game I'd bought her for her birthday in February.

I didn't head back to my place until after Emma went to bed Sunday. I got to tuck her in and read her a story. I thought she was asleep, but she whispered to me as I stood up to put the book away.

"I love you, Aunt Beth."

I responded in turn before slipping out the door and down the stairs, eyes stinging.

"Are you going to be OK?"

I nodded at my sister as I slipped on my shoes. "Yeah. Thanks."

"Of course. You're my only sister. I'd do anything for you. You know that right?"

"I do, thanks."

"OK. You're going to call someone tomorrow, right?"

"I will. I promise. Bye."

Back in my apartment I turned on Triple D, watching as Guy Fieri sampled some killer Lebanese food, according to him anyway. Kayleigh'd love to try that place. The despair tried to creep back in, but I pushed it down with effort. I felt better than two days ago, but everything still hurt. I resolved to keep my promise to my sister in the morning.

*****

It was a little after nine when I slipped away from my workstation and into an empty conference room. I kept the lights off and the door shut.

I did a quick search for Calming Waters Mental Health, and tapped on their phone number, a bright female voice answering a moment later. "Calming Waters, this is Jeannie, can I help you?"

"Hi, I'd, ah, like to get a message to Dr. Daniel Cowan?"

"Okay, are you a patient of his?"

"No, I'm a friend, or a friend of a friend, really. I mean, he does know me."

"Okay, what's your name, ma'am?"

To be honest, by the time I hung up I felt like an idiot. I'd managed to say who I was and that I knew Kayleigh O'Malley, but I was incoherent enough that I wasn't sure if I'd hear anything back. By the end of the workday I was convinced nothing would come of it, but around six thirty that evening my phone rang. I didn't recognize the number, but it didn't identify as spam, so I answered.

"Hello?"

"Bethany Hauser?"

"This is."

"Hi, this is Daniel Cowan, returning your call. How are you?"

"Hi, Doctor. Well, I've been better." I fought a losing battle to keep the emotion out of my voice.

"Yeah, I can imagine. What can I do for you, Bethany?"

"Well, I, um, had a bad weekend. I think that I, ah, I should maybe, see someone? A therapist. And, well, you're the only one I know still talking to me, so I wondered if you could recommend someone?"

"Yes, absolutely, but I do want to make sure you're OK. You said you had a bad weekend. Did you try to hurt yourself?" His voice was kind, but stern, wanting the truth so he could help.

"I didn't try, but..." My voice trailed off.

"But you thought about it."

"Yes."

"Does anyone else know?"

"Yeah, my sister. I talked to her. After."

"Okay, good. How do you feel now? Are you thinking about hurting yourself now?"

"No, I'm okay. But I'm scared." My voice cracked a bit.

"I understand. Now, I can recommend several people I trust, but if you're okay with it, I could see you as early as Wednesday, say one o'clock?"

"Is that, I mean, is that okay?"

"It's up to you. We aren't close friends and Kayleigh doesn't work with me anymore, so I'm fine with it if you are."

"Yeah, sure."

"Good." He kept me on the phone a little longer, making me promise that if I felt like hurting myself again I would call his office or my sister, or 911. But when I finally disconnected the call I actually felt hopeful for the first time in forever.

*****

The pretty blonde receptionist smiled up at me as I approached the counter.

"Hi! Can I help you?"

"Hi, I, um, I've got an appointment with Dr. Cowan at one o'clock?"

Her brow crinkled like she was surprised. "Your name?"

"Bethany Hauser."

She tapped at her computer for a moment before her eyes widened in surprise. "Yeah, there it is." She handed me a clipboard with some forms. "Sorry, just, Dr. Cowan doesn't usually see patients on Wednesday afternoons. You must be special."

I smiled shyly. "I don't know about that." I handed over my insurance card and went to sit down.

The forms were straightforward, name, address, emergency contact, and brief medical history. The only thing I hesitated at was the reason for seeking counseling. What do I say? I almost chugged a bottle of ibuprofen Friday? In the end I just put down depression and let it go, turning the forms back in. I tucked my card back into my wallet and sat back down, trying to control my breathing.

Luckily it wasn't two minutes later that the door leading back opened, and Dr. Cowan stepped out. "Bethany?"

I stood and followed him down a beige hallway into a very homey corner office. The window looked out over a pond with a fountain surrounded by a smooth, green lawn. One wall was covered floor to ceiling with bookshelves, all full. There was a comfortable looking sofa and several plush chairs. I sat in one as the doctor took another across from me after closing the door.

He smiled warmly. "You look nervous. Have you ever been in therapy before?"

I shook my head. "No, I..." My voice trailed away.

He held up his hand. "That's okay. Just remember, this is a safe space. Nothing we talk about will ever leave this room. Alright?"

"Okay." I felt my emotions starting to rise. "What do we do now?"

"Well, you told me on the phone you'd thought about hurting yourself. Can you tell me what was going on?"

"Did Kayleigh tell you why we broke up?"

Dr. Cowan shook his head. "All I know is that it happened before she moved. Why don't you tell me why?"

So I talked. Once I started it was like a floodgate opening. It was obvious he'd been telling the truth. Kayleigh hadn't told him much, and he didn't know anything about Sally. He took me back to the beginning, walking me through how Sally and I had met, and how she'd been wrapped up in every seminal moment of my growing up.

"How did realizing you loved her make you feel?"

"Excited, like I wanted to run down the street with my arms out like an airplane, but also terrified. What would she do if she knew? Would I lose her?" He was asking about the day I realized I was in love with Sally, which stood out like a beacon in my life.

"But you've never told her."

"No. I came out to her, but I could tell she didn't feel the same. She never has."

"And now she's getting married."

"Yeah. I feel like I'm losing her. My sister always tells me you can't lose something you never had, but..." I stared down at the floor.

"But you are losing something. Hope."

"Yeah. Never really had much of that, though."

Dr. Cohen smiled kindly. "I think you did. People will believe things to be true if they want them bad enough. I think you wanted there to be a chance so badly."

The truth of that sank home. I'd never really had a chance with Sally. That wasn't her fault, or my fault. It just was.

"Here, Bethany, look at this." He pulled a large pot from the back of his desk. Growing in it was a small tree.

"Is that a bonsai tree?"

"Yes. It's a Chinese Elm, given to me about ten years ago by a friend who cultivates them. I love growing things. I constantly tell Marianne that when I retire we are going to open up a tree and flower nursery. I've always been fascinated by these, ever since I was young. Did you ever see the movie The Karate Kid? The original, with Pat Morita and Ralph Macchio?"

"I think so, yeah."

"There's a scene where Mr. Miyagi is pruning a bonsai, and when Daniel asks him about it he sets him in front of another tree. Daniel asks what to do, so Mr. Miyagi tells him to close his eyes and picture the tree, and only the tree. When Daniel opens his eyes again Mr. Miyagi hands him some pruning tools and says to just make it like the picture."

He looked lovingly at his tree. "Growing bonsai takes discipline, patience, guidance, and pruning. I think the same is true with life."

"So I should just make my life like the picture?"

"Well, the analogy isn't perfect. Unlike the tree, we all have people in our lives with their own desires and free will. But the parallels are there too, grafting, cultivating, and pruning." He stood up. "I want you to think about that this week."

*****

I expected to be emotionally wrung out when I got back to work, but honestly I felt good. I still had my climbing stuff in my car, so I headed to a local spot straight after I got off, and I had a great time, even though I was clearly out of practice. When I got home I put on some classical music, Dvorak's Four Seasons, poured myself some wine and drew a bath. As the bath salts and music relaxed me, I let myself think about what Dr. Cowan had said. What did I want out of my life?

I'd had one single answer to that question since I was fifteen. Sally. I wanted Sally. But that wasn't happening, I mean, I could stare at an apple tree for a century, and it wouldn't grow any pears. But it was still what I wanted, wasn't it?"

I stopped trying to think, just letting my hands roam over my submerged body. As I massaged my breasts I lifted a leg out of the water, placing my foot on the ledge between the tub and the wall. I let my fingers slide down over my belly and begin massaging my clit, allowing myself, for the first time in so long, to just feel good.

*****

It was just after nine on Monday night when it happened. I was just thinking about changing for bed when my phone chimed.

Natalie - Water broke, headed to the hospital. Everything's fine. Let M&D know?

Me - Okay, will do and on my way.

I talked to my Dad, promising to keep him updated. He said they'd be there in the morning, and I hung up and pulled out of my apartment's lot.

I made it to the hospital and followed the signs to labor and delivery. I could hear Emma's voice coming from the waiting room before I even entered.

"Look, I got another one!"

I entered, and Emma was on the floor playing a matching game with a nurse wearing pink scrub bottoms and a white top festooned with baby rattles.

"Hey, kiddo!"

Emma gasped. "Auntie Beth!" She jumped to her feet and ran to me, and I caught her up into a hug, holding her on my hip.

"You ready to be a big sister?"

She nodded. "Uh-huh! Mommy's having the baby!"

"I know! Isn't that exciting?" Emma grinned from ear to ear, and I turned to the nurse. "I've got her from here. Thank you."

"No problem, she's a joy. I'll go check and see if a visit is possible."

I thanked her and sat down with Emma. The nurse was only gone a moment before she poked her head back into the waiting room.

"You guys wanna come with me?"

I stood back up. "Let's go see how your mom is doing." I lifted her onto my hip and followed.

Natalie looked tired, but awake and smiling. "Hi, Sweetheart."

"Hi, Mommy. Is the baby here yet?"

"Not yet sweetie, but they're coming. It may not be 'til morning, though. Do you want Aunt Beth to take you home?"

Her face scrunched up. "No! I want to stay."

Greg smiled. "I had a feeling she was going to say that." He looked at me and pointed to the corner of the room, where a black duffel was sitting on the floor. "Her sleeping bag, pillow, and a few other things are in there if you want to take her out and make her a nest."

"Yeah, sure." Before I could turn to go Natalie bent forward, grasping the bed rails and starting her breathing, her face tight against the pain.

"Mommy?"

I stroked Emma's hair. "It's okay, it's just a contraction. It's very normal. It's your mommy's body getting ready to push the baby out."

Natalie's breathing eased, and she smiled at her daughter. "See, Sweetheart, I'm fine."

"Did it hurt?" There was a tear in Emma's eye.

"Come, sit here." Natalie patted the edge of the hospital bed.

I set Emma down and she clambered up next to her mom. "A little. But it's worth it."

"Did it hurt when you had me?"

"Yes. But then you came out, and I got to hold you. And I'd never felt so good. I'd have done it a hundred times if it meant I got to be your mom."

Mother and daughter embraced, and I sniffed back a tear, turning and grabbing the duffel. Greg spoke softly in my ear.

"She's still only at three centimeters, so it'll be a few hours before she's ready to push. If you can get Emma to sleep, that would be great."

"Roger that, I'll do my best."

I took Emma back to the waiting room, which we had to ourselves. I made up her makeshift bed, and she grabbed a Clifford book from one of the tables. I sat on the floor and read to her until she nodded off.

****

"Beth, hey, wake up, sweetheart."

I forced my eyes open, the face of my dad coming slowly into focus. "Hey, what, I thought..."

Dad smiled. "Your mother couldn't sleep."

"What time is it?"

"Just after five. The baby's here."

Emma stirred. "Grandpa?"

"Hi, baby girl. Guess what? You have a brand new baby brother."

Emma's face lit up. "I'm a big sister!"

Dad grinned. "Yes, you are. Want to come meet him?"

Emma climbed out of her sleeping bag and into her grandfather's arms, rubbing his bald head like always. I followed as he carried her out of the room.

My sister looked a little worse for wear, but she was absolutely beaming as she held her tiny son. Greg stood at her shoulder, a look of awestruck wonder on his face, while my mother fussed with Nat's sheets and hospital gown.

Emma reached for my mom, who took her and held her by Natalie's bedside. My niece looked down at her new brother.

"He's so squishy!"

Everyone laughed as grandma assured her granddaughter that that was normal.

Natalie held him up. "Emma, this is your brother, Ryan David." My dad, David, smiled. Ryan was Greg's father's first name. He'd died when Greg was eight, so no one questioned the choice.

It was a vision, three generations of my family. "Let me get a picture." I pulled out my phone, letting it adjust to the light before hitting the red circle a few times. As I did it suddenly crystallized in my mind what Dr. Cowan had asked me to do.

I'd always thought the thing that I wanted most in this world was Sally. But it wasn't, not really. No, I wanted this. I wanted a wife, and a baby, and a family of my own. And if I was ever going to make my life like that image, I'd have to prune out what was stopping me.

I'd have to cut Sally away.

*****

I stayed at the hospital a few more hours, until just after Greg's mom and stepdad arrived with balloons and stuffed animals in tow. It was nice, being with family, and just letting my subconscious deal with the realization I'd just had.

I went to work as usual, letting the business of the day keep my mind occupied. After that it was back to the hospital, and then out to dinner with my parents. Natalie told us we were to smuggle something back for her, as they weren't releasing her until morning at the earliest, even though everyone was doing well. I finally made it back to my apartment around nine, pulling out my phone to text Sally.

Me - Nat had her baby, Ryan Daniel, 20 inches long 7 lbs. 14 oz. Everyone's healthy.

Sally - That's great! Tell her congrats.

Me - Will do.

I closed the conversation, seeing my texting string with Kayleigh just below. That's whom I really wanted to tell. It just didn't feel real without Kayleigh.

*****

"So, what do you think?"

Dr. Cowan regarded me for a long moment. "Yes."

"So you think I should, that I'm right?"

"I think you think you're right, and I don't disagree."

"It's just, I feel sick about it. None of this is Sally's fault, and she's been such a huge part of my life."

"Breakups are hard."

I chuckled wryly. "We're not breaking up."

"You are." Dr. Cowan leaned forward. "I think so anyway. She's been your primary romantic partner for years, even if she didn't see you that way. And I think your relationship with Kayleigh showed you how lacking that was."

"Yeah, but I feel, well, almost selfish, hurting Sally because I'm so stupid and weak."

"Hey, stop it. You are not those things, and we both know it." He sighed and leaned forward. "Bethany, you are a human being, and you have the right to have needs. And to try to pursue relationships that fill them." He smiled kindly at me. "I'm not saying it won't hurt, but if Sally cares about you as much as you do her, she'll understand"

*****

Despite knowing it was the right thing, it still wasn't easy by any stretch, and I chewed on it for a couple more weeks (and a few more sessions with Dr. Cowan) before I summoned the courage to start the ball rolling. I stared at my screen for over an hour before hitting send.

Me - Hey, do you have some time this weekend? I need to talk.

Sally - Of course. Come for lunch on Sunday? Tim will be golfing, since it's supposed to be nice. Noon?

Me - Sure, see you then.

I groaned. Sunday was four days away. Four long, slow days for my cowardly brain to talk myself out of it.

Saturday was the worst, absolutely interminable. I went out climbing in the morning and took myself to an early movie afterwards. I ended up vacuuming and dusting my whole apartment when I got home, just to give myself something to do. God, I was turning into my mother.

I didn't sleep well at all, as you can imagine, and when I did my dreams were a turbulent mess. I have a clear memory of my clock radio reading three-thirty AM, but I finally managed to nod off after that.

When I woke up it was after nine. It was sunny, and it was going to be a momentous day. All my talks with Dr. Cowan, the admonitions from my sister, my mangled train wreck failure with Kayleigh, every painful moment of longing for Sally had led me to today.

I was oddly calm as I showered and dressed, making myself some eggs and toast. But the nerves crept back as the clock neared noon. Eventually it was time, and I grabbed my purse and headed out the door.

I tried to focus on my breathing as I drove, but my skin was still humming with nervous energy as I pulled into Sally and Tim's driveway.

Sally opened the door as I came up the walk, her bright smile and azure blue eyes shining in the spring sunshine.

I followed her inside, sitting down in one of the chairs in her living room.

"Do you want something to drink?"

I nodded. "Could I get some ice water?"

Sally studied my face for a moment. "Sure. I'll be right back."

She disappeared into the kitchen as I took a few deep breaths. The whir of the ice and water dispenser filled the silence for a moment, and I took a sip from the cool glass when she handed me it, setting it on a coaster when I finished.

"So, what's going on?" Sally had picked up on the gravity of my bearing, and her voice was concerned.

This was it. Now or never. "I'm moving. I'm leaving St. Louis."

Sally's eyes widened, her mouth dropping open slightly. "Why, um, where are you going?"

My voice cracked slightly. "I'm not sure, but somewhere."

"Kansas City?"

"Maybe, I'm going to try. But even if not, somewhere, it just can't be here."

Sally had tears in her eyes. "I don't understand."

I took a deep breath. It was finally time. "Do you remember the day we met?"

Sally nodded. "Of course. When my family moved onto your cul-de-sac."

"I was riding my bike home for dinner. Your house was empty, so I always used it as a shortcut. But that day it wasn't empty. I saw the movers taking in the furniture, and you, sitting on a picnic blanket. You were wearing a pink dress and holding on to your dog. You looked up at me and smiled, and you were the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen." There were tears rolling down my face as I continued.

"I lay in bed that night, and I wasn't even convinced you'd been real. But there you were, knocking on my door the next morning."