Unrequited Pt. 05

Sally smiled. "I know, I made you show me around the neighborhood."

"I spent every second I could with you. It took me years to work it out, but I think I was in love with you from that very first day."

I forced myself not to look away as understanding finally dawned on Sally's face. She covered her mouth with her hand. "Oh, Bethy."

"And I can't do it anymore." I broke down sobbing. "I'm sorry. Kayleigh, I lost her."

"Because of me?"

"Yes. No, because of me. Because I couldn't love her like she deserved, and she was right. I failed her. She loved me so much, tried so hard, and I refused to do the same." I broke down, and Sally was suddenly at my side, holding me as I wept.

"I miss her, Sal. I miss her so much. I was happy, the only time ever, and I destroyed it, waiting for something that'll never happen."

"So you think, if we don't see each other..."

"It doesn't matter, maybe she'll give me another chance or maybe not. But I want someone to love me, and I need to be able to love her back, with everything I am. And," I let out a shaky breath, "I don't think I can do that with you in my life."

Sally's lip quivered, tears streaking down her cheeks. "I am so sorry, Bethy. I'd never hurt you."

I grabbed her hands. "This is not your fault. You've never done anything but be the best friend anyone ever had. This is on me. It's selfish; it feels that way, anyway. But I want to be happy, a chance at it, at least."

"That's all I've ever wanted for you." Her voice shook.

"I know." I told her about my dark night, and I could see the fear and shame on her face for not realizing how badly I'd been struggling.

"I'm sorry, I should've seen, should've..."

I cut her off. "You couldn't have known. Besides, I've had a lot of practice hiding how I really feel around you. And I'm doing better now." I told her about meeting with Dr. Cowan.

Sally forced out a smile. "Well, I guess I need a new maid of honor."

I shook my head. "No, you don't. I'll admit, I've dreaded watching you get married for as long as I can remember. It terrified me, the thought you'd make those promises to someone else. But it doesn't anymore. It's like, I have to let go, let go of you, of everything. Seems like a good place." Tears spilled down my face. "And Tim is a good man. He'll make you happy, and I want that for you, so much."

I broke down, and Sally pulled me into a hug as she did the same. We held each other for a long time, weeping. Eventually we separated, and Sally's lovely soprano voice was heavy with emotion.

"Are you sure, Bethy? You don't have to, the wedding, I mean."

"Yes, I'm sure, if you'll let me."

She nodded, wiping her face. "God, Bethy, I feel like a part of my heart is being ripped out, but if this is what you need, okay. I can't bear to think I'm the one making you unhappy."

We talked for several more hours, me reassuring her over and over that she'd done nothing wrong, that it wasn't her fault she was straight anymore than it was mine for being gay.

We talked through old memories, romantic disasters on both sides of the aisle, and there was a decent amount of laughter as we did. It was the first time I could remember where I was able to truly be myself around Sally. My secret was out, and I didn't have to hide anymore.

I was also aware that this would be one of the last times Sally and I would ever talk like this. It felt almost like reading the last chapter of a novel, preparing to say goodbye to characters that had become like family.

There were tears in my eyes as I drove away from Sally's home. I headed directly to Natalie's, where I told her everything I'd decided. Her reaction was exactly what I'd have predicted, stoic and pragmatic, but completely supportive. She did get a little weepy when we hugged it out afterwards, so good to be reminded she's human.

I turned in my notice at work on Monday, listing my last day as the Thursday before Sally's wedding. When my boss asked why I just told him I had to go see about a girl. I knew he'd get the movie reference, and he smiled and nodded, promising me an excellent reference.

The Saturday before the wedding Greg, Natalie, and my parents helped me load everything from my apartment into a POD, which seemed the sanest thing to do given my unsettled future.

"Here, sweetheart." My dad handed me a small, unsealed envelope. I left the flap and looked inside, seeing a check for several thousand dollars.

"Dad! I can't take this."

"Yes, you can. Moving is expensive, and what if it takes you a little time to find a good job? I'll feel better if you have it."

"I do have some savings, you know."

Dad shrugged. "Best not to touch that if you don't have to."

My shoulders slumped, and I smiled in resignation. "Thanks, Daddy."

He pulled me into a hug. "I love you, kiddo, but you're still my little girl. And I'm proud of you."

I let him hold me. "Proud of me for quitting my job and tearing off on some wild goose chase?"

Dad chuckled. "I'm proud of you for following your heart, for daring to try to be happy. No matter what happens you're going to be okay. I know it."

I let him hold me for a moment before we all headed back to Natalie's for pizza. They were letting me stay with them for my last week in town, so I threw my big suitcase in my car to take over before sealing up the POD and heading out.

*****

The day of Sally's wedding dawned clear and bright. A groan sounded from next to me, along with movement that shook me awake.

"Oh, god, one too many."

I laughed. "Please, you'd had one too many by ten o'clock."

"Yeah, well, I'm not as young as I used to be." Annette stretched under the covers. "Thanks for letting me stay in here. I'm too old to couch surf. I hope it wasn't too awkward."

"It's fine. I can keep my hands to myself. I'm a big girl."

"Mmm, I was more worried I'd forget you weren't my husband, and, well..." She laughed once. "At least now I can say I've slept with a lesbian." She groaned again, covering her eyes. "I need a shower. And aspirin."

She climbed out from under the sheets and headed out to the guest bathroom. I let myself admire her figure for a moment. Two kids hadn't done anything to ruin it, and her husband was a lucky guy.

The bachelorette party had been reasonably tame, at least until Officer Marcos had arrived. I hadn't watched much of his performance, mostly just rolling my eyes at the hooting and hollering that was going on from the others. I'd let Annette plan everything, figuring she'd be better at that sort of thing than I was, and she had seemed eager to do it.

The non-bridesmaid participants had headed out around one, and I, who'd only had two drinks all night, had been tasked with making sure everyone who'd driven was fit to drive home. I was glad for the reason to stay sober. Me getting overly emotional, like I had a tendency to do when I drank, this last night around Sally was a horrifically bad idea.

I pushed the covers off and swung my feet onto the floor, standing gingerly before heading outside. The guest bathroom door was closed, and I could hear the shower running, so I headed down the hall, where someone was moving around in the kitchen.

"Hey, Beth."

I smiled at Sally, who was standing at the stove in her terry cloth robe. She was stirring some scrambled eggs while the smell of bacon emanated from the oven.

Sally pointed to her left. "I have English muffins if you want one. This will be ready in a few minutes."

I pulled apart one of the muffins she'd indicated and dropped it in the toaster. "You know it's your wedding day, right? You shouldn't have to cook."

"I don't mind. Couldn't sleep. It's weird being in the bed all alone."

"Well, I'm sure Tim will make up for that tonight."

Sally smiled and blushed, going back to stirring the eggs. When she pulled the pan of bacon from the oven it summoned the other girls like magic.

We had hair appointments at nine-thirty, followed by makeup and nails, and by a little after noon I was singing 'I Feel Pretty' from West Side Story out loud like a goof as we piled into cars to head to the church.

There was a great deal of laughter and sharing of stories while we dressed. I didn't contribute much. My own dress was relatively simple, so I was able to get it on quickly, leaving plenty of time to help Sally into her wedding gown.

I stood back to admire her. She was breathtaking, a fairytale come to life. The dress fit perfectly, emphasizing her lovely figure and classic beauty. The cute little girl I'd met that day long ago had transformed into a stunning woman. I was proud of her, but I wanted Kayleigh. It felt so wrong not sharing this with her.

There was a knock from the hall, so I pushed that thought away as the door opened and Sally's father entered.

"Hi, Daddy."

"Oh, my sweet girl." He teared up for a second, before letting everyone know that Tim and his groomsmen were here, and everything was on schedule. It seemed only a heartbeat later we were lining up outside the sanctuary as Pachelbel's Canon in D Major played from inside.

Suddenly it was my turn, and I walked slowly down the aisle like we'd practiced at the rehearsal. Brian, the best man, was waiting for me at the end, and I gently supported myself on his elbow as I stepped up onto the stage. I found my spot, marked with a little piece of tape, and the doors closed for a moment as the music changed to Wagner's traditional Wedding March.

Tim and the minister entered. I saw Tim take a deep breath, and then the doors opened. Sally and her father walked forward, the congregation rising as one. Sally was beaming, a look of pure unabashed joy on her face as she gazed at her soon to be husband. Out of the corner of my eye I watched a tear roll down Tim's face as the love of his life walked towards him, the most perfect smile stretching across his features.

When she reached the front her dad placed Sally's hand in Tim's, and he took it reverently. Sally handed me her bouquet, and I stepped down to straighten her train.

"Dearly beloved..." The minister began, and flashes of my life with Sally chased themselves through my brain. I had dreaded this moment almost since the day I met her, and now it was happening five feet in front of me.

Did it hurt? Yeah, I'd be lying if I said it didn't. But it also felt like letting go, like turning a page. And as the woman I'd loved for more than a decade made her promises to someone else, I didn't feel like I was dying. I felt like, maybe, just maybe there was a chance that I could finally be free.

"And now may I present, for the first time, Mr. and Mrs. Timothy and Sally Harding!" I clapped as best I could, holding the flowers, as a tumult went up from the audience. It was done.

I endured the meticulous photographic torture that comes after every wedding, and I sat next to Sally as we had dinner, and I watched the happy couple have their first dance.

The DJ called the wedding party out to the floor, and I danced with Brian for half a song before Amber cut in. I didn't venture back out until Tim offered me his hand a little while later. He took me in hold, moving to the beat of the music. "So, Sally told me everything."

"I hope you're not angry."

"No." He looked over at his wife, who was dancing with her new father-in-law. "How can I blame someone for falling in love with her? I'm just stunned and honored she chose me."

"You deserve her, Tim. I've never seen her so happy."

"Thank you. I'll take care of her. You have my word."

"I know you will."

When the time came I helped Sally change out of her dress so she could put on the clothes she'd wear to the hotel, before flying out to Jamaica tomorrow.

I went out and stood by the car until they made their exit, with people shouting and blowing bubbles as the happy couple raced through the crowd. The bouquet was tossed, Amber snagging it with a significant look at Brian.

Sally reached the car door, putting her hand on the handle, but before she opened it she turned, finding me just a few feet away. She stepped forward, tears spilling from both our eyes. We embraced, my emotions a whirlwind inside me.

"I love you, Bethy."

"I love you, too. Promise me you'll be happy."

"I will." She looked deep in my eyes. "You do the same. Now," Sally leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek. "Go get her."

I nodded vigorously. Sally stepped back, climbed into the car, and she was gone.

I let the crowd sweep me along back inside, and the music started again. I found a seat as the party continued. I'd wondered how I would feel at this moment. Would I cry, or scream? Instead I just felt numb. But one thing was for sure, the world hadn't ended.

I listened to the music, watched as people danced. I felt the air go in and out of my lungs. The sun was going to come up tomorrow, and the day after that.

The party continued for another hour before starting to dwindle, and I helped Brian, Amber, Annette, and her husband load the wedding gifts into Annette's minivan, so she and her husband could run them over to Tim and Sally's. I headed out, back to Natalie's.

I did my best to be quiet as a mouse when I headed upstairs. I washed off my makeup and dressed for bed, using the toilet before heading back to my room. When I entered, the digital clock on the nightstand read eleven fifty-nine, and I watched as it tipped over to midnight. The day I've been dreading since high school was over. A new day had started, and it was up to me what I made of it. I knew what I planned to do. But however it turned out, it was likely to be the most important day of my life.

*****

Kansas City rose out of the hills in front of me as I approached on I-70. I was trying to work it out in my head again. I had no idea where Kayleigh was, and I was terrified to just call or text. What if I were just met with silence?

I had to talk to her in person. I couldn't say what needed to be said over the phone. I need to see her, and for her to see me. If nothing else, just to say I was sorry.

There's no way I could find my way back to her parents' house, and I didn't want to scare anyone. I could find out where she worked, but that felt like crossing a line. Besides, it was Sunday, so she wouldn't be there anyway. Her brother's restaurant though, that was Google-able and public. It seemed like solid logic until I pulled into the parking lot. It was packed, including a number of people who were waiting outside.

I parked, taking a deep breath. Did I think this was going to be easy? I was shaking a little as I headed in. The hostess was a pretty young woman who smiled at me as I approached.

"How many?"

I swallowed. "Actually, I'm looking for the owner, Stephen O'Malley? Would he happen to be here?"

The girl's face looked troubled, so I added quickly, "I'm a friend, sort of."

"Um," she glanced around nervously, probably looking for her manager, and I felt bad for putting her on the spot like this, but that lasted only a moment.

"What are you doing here?"

My blood froze in my veins, as I turned to face the speaker. Kayleigh had said Molly rarely worked at the restaurant. I guess I'm just lucky, since there was no one on earth less likely to help me. But I'd come too far to go running off.

"I'm trying to find Kayleigh."

Molly stood, hands on hips, wearing a black, button-down shirt embroidered with the 'Heart and Seoul' logo on the breast. Her light brown eyes were icy cold, and I had to consciously make myself not wither from her gaze.

"She's not here."

"Do you know where I could find her, Molly? I just want to talk to her, one time."

"I think you should go. As you can see, we're very busy."

The anger and contempt in her voice were palpable, and I knew I wasn't going to get anywhere, so I just nodded and left. I sat down on an empty bench outside, contemplating my next move. I pulled up Kayleigh's contact, thinking I just had to try. My finger was hovering over the icon when someone sat down next to me.

"Hey."

"Stephen, hi." To say I was stunned would have been an understatement.

"Saw you talking to Molly. She throw you out?"

I nodded.

"She would. So, why are you here?" His version of the question was far kinder, so I told him.

"I just need to talk to her in person, I have some things to tell her." I stared off into the distance. "Apologies to make."

"Gonna try to get her back?"

"If she'll have me, but I'm not, like, gonna go stalker girl on her. If she tells me to leave, I'll leave."

Stephen sighed. "You know, when she got home without you she was hurting bad. I've never seen her broken up about a girl like she was about you, even relationships that lasted a lot longer. Here." He handed me a slip of paper. "Don't tell her where you got that."

I glanced at the paper, which contained an address. "Thank you!" I threw my arms around his neck.

"You're welcome." His voice got serious as he returned my hug. "Do not make me regret this."

"I won't, I promise."

The address led me into a row of condos, similar to the ones Kayleigh had lived in before. When I reached the number on the paper I could see a light on in the window, so I parked on the street. She was home, I could tell, something about the energy of the place. I could feel her.

I tried not to hyperventilate as I approached the door. I stood there for a moment, finger hovering by the doorbell. Just have to press it.

"Meow!" I pulled my finger away as I heard it from just inside. "Meow!" Scratching was evident, and I heard Kayleigh's voice.

"Patches? What are you doing, girl? Is..." The sound cut off, and I heard the deadbolt release, and the door swung open.

"What are you doing here?" It was the third time in an hour I've been asked that question. Molly's had been hard and angry, Stephen's kind and compassionate. Kayleigh though, there was no hiding the pain and hurt in her voice.

"I wanted to talk to you."

She crossed her arms. "Fine. Talk." She looked so small, almost sunken, with none of the light and energy I was used to, and I knew I'd caused that.

I'd rehearsed this conversation a hundred times in the past weeks, but here, looking at her, I struggled to get words out.

"I, um, I'm leaving St. Louis. Moving away."

"To where?" Her expression didn't change.

"I don't know yet. But I can't be there anymore." I took a breath. "I told Sally everything, that we couldn't be friends anymore, that I had to go. That it'd cost me you, that I'd cost me you. And I miss you, I miss you so badly. It hurts so much inside, Kayleigh. And I am so, so sorry I wasn't stronger."

I was weeping, tears running freely down my face as the words tumbled out. Kayleigh's expression twisted in pain, but she stepped aside. "All right, come in, let's talk."

I stepped inside, sitting down on the familiar sofa. Patches immediately jumped up next to me, and I scratched her neck, instantly feeling a little better. Kayleigh sat on the other end of the couch.

"So you left Sally because you think that's what I wanted?"

"No. I didn't do it for you. I did it for me. Because I want to be happy. Like you made me happy. You were the first person to ever love me, and I wanted to love you back, so much. But I didn't know how, I didn't know how to let go. But once you left, it was so obvious. I want to love someone who loves me back. I want to choose someone who chooses me. Being chosen, it means everything." I forced myself to meet her eyes.

"If you let me, I swear I'll choose you, choose us, every day, every minute, from now on. And I'm not settling. You are the best thing that's ever happened to me, the only one I want. But if you say no, I'll understand. I'll go, you won't ever see me again." I manage a laugh through my tears. "I remember the day we met, you told me you don't fix people. Well, I can't say I'm not still broken, but you saved me. And if I ever love anyone again I'll know it was only possible because of you."